[DISC]How much does not being in a relationship affects you and how do you cope?

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Post by OneTrueGuest on Wed Jan 21, 2015 5:14 pm

Ooh! Can it be one of those new Red Velvet Oreos?? I'm not in the States and can't try one Sad .

And yes, we've been dating for over a year now and it's been going very well. I think a couple things that made it work out was yes, that I knew I needed to wait, but also knowing that he was totally okay with waiting was a big deal. It says a lot about his personality.

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Post by TheRoux on Wed Jan 21, 2015 6:51 pm

OneTrueGuest wrote:Ooh! Can it be one of those new Red Velvet Oreos?? I'm not in the States and can't try one Sad .

First time hearing about these, but I found someone who's got her own recipe of Red Velvet Oreos... and it simply looks delicious
http://www.somethingswanky.com/red-velvet-oreos/

About the waiting, I think lots of people out there (and in here) would be willing to wait if it meant having a shot at a cool relationship. (leaving out all the "I only want you for your lady parts" douches and the "I'll wait for you so promise to sleep with me later" nice guys). Hell, with my first girlfriend (met online), we've been chatting for a month before we decided to exchange numbers. Then we talked for another month before we decided to meet, and it took another month or two before our first sexy time. Our relationship lasted two years, which is more than I can say for most of the other guys around me at that time. Fortune favors the patient I say...

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Post by Guest on Wed Jan 21, 2015 11:02 pm

I think I've dug myself into a mental hole, now that I think about this, when it comes to relationships.

For so long I never really considered it a thing that could be possible for me that it's hard to really even imagine. Well, in a positive context anyway. Sometimes I'll get glimmers of loneliness, which work and other things can distract me from. But they pass pretty quickly. The relationships I can imagine myself in aren't good ones. For either myself or [insert random woman here].

I think what's weirdest about it is how decidedly assured I am of relationships not being a thing that would enter into my life. I'm not bitter, I'm not angry, I'm not sad. Just "Well, that's that. It's how things work. Part of being a nerd." (that latter part was bred during high school and hasn't left, despite being clearly false)

I don't know how I'm supposed to react because of that.

But I'm here, of course, so if whatever happens happens, I have some idea of what to do.

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Post by StrangePanda on Thu Jan 22, 2015 1:12 am

MapWater wrote:
For so long I never really considered it a thing that could be possible for me that it's hard to really even imagine.

I second this so much. I mean I know what it means to be in a relationship because I have friends who are with someone and I already watched their relationships to start and to dissolve so it's not some mysterious thing for me. Howerer, I actually can't imagine it can happen to me. I guess when you spend so many years being single without having any experience, relationships become these Things That Happen To Others.
I don't really have a way to cope with this, I guess I'm just so used to this sadness that it became a background heartache. It's here but it's bearable. However, I do have bursts of really depressing feelings when it's my birthday or Valentine's Day.... Ways to remember that time goes away and I'm still unloveable.

Something that can help me to disconnect from sad feels is reading. When I have a particularly good sci-fi book on my hands, I spend hours and hours in these amazing non-existent worlds so I don't really have a place in my head to think about something else.

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Post by Guest on Thu Jan 22, 2015 2:05 am

StrangePanda wrote:I second this so much. I mean I know what it means to be in a relationship because I have friends who are with someone and I already watched their relationships to start and to dissolve so it's not some mysterious thing for me. Howerer, I actually can't imagine it can happen to me. I guess when you spend so many years being single without having any experience, relationships become these Things That Happen To Others.

Same when it comes to friends. I've seen relationships come and go, with my best friend not having much luck when it comes to decency of partners.

But, like you, there's a disconnect - it happens to them because they aren't me, or something along those lines. It's hard to fully describe.

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Post by TheRoux on Thu Jan 22, 2015 3:35 pm

MapWater wrote:  
StrangePanda wrote: I second this so much. I mean I know what it means to be in a relationship because I have friends who are with someone and I already watched their relationships to start and to dissolve so it's not some mysterious thing for me. Howerer, I actually can't imagine it can happen to me. I guess when you spend so many years being single without having any experience, relationships become these Things That Happen To Others.


Same when it comes to friends. I've seen relationships come and go, with my best friend not having much luck when it comes to decency of partners.

But, like you, there's a disconnect - it happens to them because they aren't me, or something along those lines. It's hard to fully describe.

Yeah, I feel ya... it's also been the same for me... until I got lucky I guess... Everytime, it took me by surprise... I was like: "What!!?? Really? Is it really happenning!?? No way!! I can't believe it!!! Really!!???" I wish I could say that I I found the SECRET or that I knew exactly what I was doing but no... it felt like a gratuitous and random act of generosity from The Flying Spaghetti Monster...


But at the same time, I hate to have this feeling that it's a random thing. Once you've got something going, it's going to take skill to keep it running (or kill it if it looks toxic), but meeting people that are in your dating pool feels just way too random (I hate the numbers game)... And for some of us, meeting people is tirering and time consuming... So considering all the things I do (activities, school, work, etc) I'm left with little time to just go out and meet people... I mean, as an introvert, I would have to sacrifice either my alone (recharge) time or some other activity that I do and love just to go out and practice having awkward conversations (cold approaches) with people that will eventually shut me down... And at the same time I tell myself that when I finish school, I'll have more time to myself, therefore more time to "hunt" (to be honest, I kinda hate that word too, but it just feels too much like hunting), but I think I might just looking for excuses...

People will say that you can meet people by doing activities that you love and or already do, and yes I believe it is a possibility, but what if the activities you're looking for are not in your favor: I play DnD, my area: sausage fest. I play boardgames: sausage fest, engineering school: sausage fest, work: sausage fest (or no girls around my age which is mid to late 20s), in my department at least, and I don't see myself strolling in the HR department with a big "look at me, I'm available" shirt.


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Post by Guest on Thu Jan 22, 2015 4:03 pm

TheRoux wrote:
But at the same time, I hate to have this feeling that it's a random thing. Once you've got something going, it's going to take skill to keep it running (or kill it if it looks toxic), but meeting people that are in your dating pool feels just way too random (I hate the numbers game)... And for some of us, meeting people is tirering and time consuming... So considering all the things I do (activities, school, work, etc) I'm left with little time to just go out and meet people... I mean, as an introvert, I would have to sacrifice either my alone (recharge) time or some other activity that I do and love just to go out and practice having awkward conversations (cold approaches) with people that will eventually shut me down... And at the same time I tell myself that when I finish school, I'll have more time to myself, therefore more time to "hunt" (to be honest, I kinda hate that word too, but it just feels too much like hunting), but I think I might just looking for excuses...

People will say that you can meet people by doing activities that you love and or already do, and yes I believe it is a possibility, but what if the activities you're looking for are not in your favor: I play DnD, my area: sausage fest. I play boardgames: sausage fest, engineering school: sausage fest, work: sausage fest (or no girls around my age which is mid to late 20s), in my department at least, and I don't see myself strolling in the HD department with a big "look at me, I'm available" shirt.

Same boat as meeee! Those are also my excuses, but I'm willing to admit that I'm afraid of the rejection adding to the fact that I won't approach anyone because of said fear. So, I'd be wasting my time in a joint I can't stand with awful music I hate, drinks that are overpriced, literal smoke and mirrors, enough strobe lights to give me epilepsy and a crowd I don't vibe with. -shrug-

However, if I did go to meet people that aren't bars or clubs, the places I know of and enjoy are also where mostly couples and families go do stuff. HOW IRONIC! Laughing

And I've been to those same activities you listed too and I can confirm, absolute sausagefest. I know they're out there, I just can't find them. Then it's a question if they'll even like me huehuehue

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Post by WJMorris3 on Thu Jan 22, 2015 5:11 pm

I've been told by my best friends that I shouldn't be dating because I don't offer the most essential thing to a relationship. Apparently love and devotion are not the most essential thing (because I'm certainly capable of those!)

But still I look, and still I'm rejected, so I have to wonder if my friends are right.

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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Jan 22, 2015 5:29 pm

WJMorris3 wrote:I've been told by my best friends that I shouldn't be dating because I don't offer the most essential thing to a relationship. Apparently love and devotion are not the most essential thing (because I'm certainly capable of those!)

But still I look, and still I'm rejected, so I have to wonder if my friends are right.

QFT.
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Post by TheRoux on Thu Jan 22, 2015 5:31 pm

WJMorris3 wrote:I've been told by my best friends that I shouldn't be dating because I don't offer the most essential thing to a relationship. Apparently love and devotion are not the most essential thing (because I'm certainly capable of those!)

What are those essential things you're friend is talking about? What does he think you're missing?

Because I'd say that while Love and Devotion (let's say Dedication instead... devotion seems too much like blind faith and worship... it's a pretty one-sided situation, while dedication means you have the patience and willingness to work hard to see "it" through... you'll love someone and you'll be devoted to someone, but you'll be dedicated to your relationship with someone)... so while these two things are important, they're not the only things you'll need.

- Boundries, compromises, openness of mind, respect, understanding... these are just a few things coming off the top of my head right now... After that, every relationship, like people will be unique.

Some people will need someone who's financially stable, some other needs emotional stability. While someone will look for partners to spice up their life a little, others will want help to "settle down". One will look for someone who likes the same things they like, and the other will want to be introduced to new things...

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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Jan 22, 2015 5:48 pm

What it is for me is that "enthusiastic consent" has a fundamentally different meaning for me than it seems to for most. I believe, based on my feelings about "squishes", that I would be very enthusiastic about doing things that make my partner happy. There's stuff I might not be comfortable doing, or doing a lot of regularly, but making another person happy generally makes me happy, and the rest is open for negotiation and compromise. In theory, doesn't seem too bad. In practice, I don't put enough value on sex/kissing/physical acts of affection to initiate. I don't want things like that quite as powerfully as others seem to. I like touching, being touched, etc., might even enjoy kissing/sex/whatever. Orgasms are certainly pleasant enough. But I don't crave it the same way I sometimes crave emotional intimacy and so won't go too far out of my way to get it. And of course this also means I cannot give a partner the opportunity of making me "happy" the same way, which is understandably as important to others as it is to myself.

And yeah, boundaries and compromises and everything are definitely important facets of this as well. The thing is my boundaries and the things I would compromise on are not larger or smaller in cardinal magnitude than those of normal humans. They're just different, and that's evidently a problem.

I suspect one of the reasons you'll find more ace women in relationships than ace men is that the old-timey shitty expectations of women as "givers" and men as pursuers, women as needing to get partnered up and make babies and men as providers and breadwinners, and basically all other artifacts of sexism, tend to mean that an otherwise-average ace woman doesn't have to put as much excitement behind her "yeah sure" as an ace man needs behind his "wanna go out?" (At least when it comes to cold approach.) It's obviously really awful that women are expected to "lie back and think of England", but in my somewhat specific case it isn't such a terrible thing to be allowed.


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Post by WJMorris3 on Thu Jan 22, 2015 6:01 pm

TheRoux wrote:
WJMorris3 wrote:I've been told by my best friends that I shouldn't be dating because I don't offer the most essential thing to a relationship. Apparently love and devotion are not the most essential thing (because I'm certainly capable of those!)

What are those essential things you're friend is talking about? What does he think you're missing?

I'm open about my asexuality and many people can't seem to grok that people might want love without having sex.

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Post by TheRoux on Thu Jan 22, 2015 6:19 pm

Well, DNL said it often: Sexuality level/craving/desire is a spectrum... Between you and another 6 billion people... there's bound to be at least someone you're compatible with...

This also goes with compromises, I had a sex buddy once, but she didn't have a strong libido... with her last boyfriend, she said they were having sex once a month and that's pretty much what she expected of me... while I expected maybe once every 1-2 weeks? And so I adapted to her rhythm while she accepted to stay for the night (she prefers to sleep in her own bed...)
I haven't been with (or personally known) someone who has opendly declared themselves asexual so I couldn't talk about that specific situation... but I'm optimist it'll work out in the end...

And most importantly... there is more than one way to make people happy... but for that to work... communication, communication, communication!!!

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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Jan 22, 2015 6:35 pm

I have not the time nor the patience nor the inclination to meet each of the six billion people on the planet. If in my entire life there are only six hundred people I get to know well enough to know whether I'd want to date them, it will have been a Herculean effort. Subtract off of that number the likely percentage of men, lesbians, partnered women, etc. and how many remain? How many of those are going to like me?

This goes for non-asexuals as well, obviously; the point I'm trying to make is that everyone's dating pool is in reality several orders of magnitude smaller than the global population, and it is possible to whittle down that pool until it is entirely vacant.
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Post by The Wisp on Thu Jan 22, 2015 7:35 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:What it is for me is that "enthusiastic consent" has a fundamentally different meaning for me than it seems to for most.

I don't think it is about consent. It seems to be it is about mutuality, wanting to feel desired, giving the same to your partner. Maybe that's what you meant and you were using different language, though.
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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Jan 22, 2015 8:01 pm

The Wisp wrote:
nearly_takuan wrote:What it is for me is that "enthusiastic consent" has a fundamentally different meaning for me than it seems to for most.

I don't think it is about consent. It seems to be it is about mutuality, wanting to feel desired, giving the same to your partner. Maybe that's what you meant and you were using different language, though.

Yeah, not the consent part so much as the enthusiasm. I might consent enthusiastically to sex, but I have no reason to push for it except I suppose that some people want to be pushed, and having to ask to be pushed maybe takes a little of the fun out of it (though I also think that it just hasn't occurred to a lot of people). But it's not even really "sex" in the sense of intercourse, it's sexual desire and all the rest of the physical stuff that comes with that. It's just between asexuality and my other various neuroses, I inevitably get kind of hesitant about entering someone else's space without some very clear signage from them about where it's okay to do so—which means when I manage to do it anyway it comes off wrong because...well, it isn't me at all. Clear signage happens pretty frequently when it comes to Platonic friendships, but people treat it as practically taboo in the realm of romance and courtship, which is...really dumb. Sorry, but it is.
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Post by Guest on Thu Jan 22, 2015 8:13 pm

TheRoux wrote:
MapWater wrote:  
StrangePanda wrote: I second this so much. I mean I know what it means to be in a relationship because I have friends who are with someone and I already watched their relationships to start and to dissolve so it's not some mysterious thing for me. Howerer, I actually can't imagine it can happen to me. I guess when you spend so many years being single without having any experience, relationships become these Things That Happen To Others.


Same when it comes to friends. I've seen relationships come and go, with my best friend not having much luck when it comes to decency of partners.

But, like you, there's a disconnect - it happens to them because they aren't me, or something along those lines. It's hard to fully describe.

Yeah, I feel ya... it's also been the same for me... until I got lucky I guess... Everytime, it took me by surprise... I was like: "What!!?? Really? Is it really happenning!?? No way!! I can't believe it!!! Really!!???" I wish I could say that I I found the SECRET or that I knew exactly what I was doing but no... it felt like a gratuitous and random act of generosity from The Flying Spaghetti Monster...

Dat noodly appendage!

I hear too many people prattle on about 'the secrets' to dating that I just block it out. Every smart arse seems to think they have 'the secret' and they are generously sharing it when it's typically a bunch of vague bollocks. Be more confident! Be more outgoing! Be more [quality commonly associated with extroverts #45]! Ugh.

TheRoux wrote:But at the same time, I hate to have this feeling that it's a random thing. Once you've got something going, it's going to take skill to keep it running (or kill it if it looks toxic), but meeting people that are in your dating pool feels just way too random (I hate the numbers game)... And for some of us, meeting people is tirering and time consuming... So considering all the things I do (activities, school, work, etc) I'm left with little time to just go out and meet people... I mean, as an introvert, I would have to sacrifice either my alone (recharge) time or some other activity that I do and love just to go out and practice having awkward conversations (cold approaches) with people that will eventually shut me down... And at the same time I tell myself that when I finish school, I'll have more time to myself, therefore more time to "hunt" (to be honest, I kinda hate that word too, but it just feels too much like hunting), but I think I might just looking for excuses...

All of this. Especially the introvert part. I think it's probably another coping method against loneliness when it strikes, because I just imagine having to spend what little free time I have to myself right now with someone else and I just balk. Makes me feel like a selfish dick sometimes, but it sure as hell wipes that loneliness out of my head at the same time.

I have to be dragged out the house to meet friends sometimes, going out to possibly meet a woman who may actually find me at the very least not horrible so I can maybe work up the courage to ask her out again seems like a waste of time I don't feel I have enough of already.

TheRoux wrote:People will say that you can meet people by doing activities that you love and or already do, and yes I believe it is a possibility, but what if the activities you're looking for are not in your favor: I play DnD, my area: sausage fest. I play boardgames: sausage fest, engineering school: sausage fest, work: sausage fest (or no girls around my age which is mid to late 20s), in my department at least, and I don't see myself strolling in the HR department with a big "look at me, I'm available" shirt.

Tell me about it - I went to a music equipment tradeshow last year being the dumb audiophile I am and there was a grand total of about ten (probably ten to twenty) women in attendance who weren't at booths selling things. This is in comparison to the many, many men. Hundreds of men. Hell, the fact there's so few women there would put me off even talking to one of them for the sake pleasantries - they probably got enough skeevy mofos trying to hit on them, I don't need to add to that. I'm also hardly going to bother the women selling things for obvious reasons.

Damn my insular bloody hobbies. Razz

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Post by Jayce on Thu Jan 22, 2015 8:27 pm

The Mikey wrote:
TheRoux wrote:
People will say that you can meet people by doing activities that you love and or already do, and yes I believe it is a possibility, but what if the activities you're looking for are not in your favor: I play DnD, my area: sausage fest. I play boardgames: sausage fest, engineering school: sausage fest, work: sausage fest (or no girls around my age which is mid to late 20s), in my department at least, and I don't see myself strolling in the HD department with a big "look at me, I'm available" shirt.


And I've been to those same activities you listed too and I can confirm, absolute sausagefest.

You guys are forgetting something important. People know people. Those whatever "sausage fests" you described sounds like you were just trying there to enjoy your hobby while at the same time meet women that you might like. Kind of sounds like you didn't bother much with making friends with other men. What about the guys around there? Have you tried befriending some of the ones that you like? What if those guys know single women that might want to date you? What if you became good friends with them, you go on cool adventures/outings with them and/or their friends, and thus you'll socialise more and you might just happen to meet more women?

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Post by nearly_takuan on Fri Jan 23, 2015 1:31 pm

Wow. Did not know what today's Ask was going to be about when I wrote that other stuff yesterday. But yeah, LW1 pretty thoroughly described one of the worries I have beyond "successfully" asking people out, and then DNL wrote out basically the explanation I was thinking of as the fourth thing on his list of the three types of men.
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Post by Herr R on Sat Jan 24, 2015 1:38 am

Welp, considering that ever since I realized that I got to the age of 21 without ever so much as having ever had a girlfriend or a date (although the concept of dating as we know it is a relatively recent thing in my culture, so I don't know how people meet their SOs in such cultures) and have spent the last 15 or so years basically preoccupied with that thought alone, I say it has affected me a great deal.

Now I'm at the stage where I hate being human. If I could be rid of all of my emotions, then I will have no need for them to be reciprocated or worry about being alone. I could just live life as a mindless drone. It's either that, or hope I die soon. But apparently, wishing for either of those things is apparently "wrong".

How do I cope with it? Well I can only hope that I get scheduled to work on Valentine's Day. Otherwise, unless I'm having a relatively good day (i.e. I'm out and about), I promise myself that I'm not going to have a breakdown if I feel myself that I'm about to. Or I desperately try and fill the void with anger at whatever pet issues and enemies I may have (my annoying housemates, my heavy work schedule, SJW's, etc.)

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Post by Guest on Sat Jan 24, 2015 4:15 am

Jayce wrote:
You guys are forgetting something important. People know people. Those whatever "sausage fests" you described sounds like you were just trying there to enjoy your hobby while at the same time meet women that you might like. Kind of sounds like you didn't bother much with making friends with other men. What about the guys around there? Have you tried befriending some of the ones that you like? What if those guys know single women that might want to date you? What if you became good friends with them, you go on cool adventures/outings with them and/or their friends, and thus you'll socialise more and you might just happen to meet more women?

I hope to meet women there, but I'll be honest I'm just kidding myself at that point. Even if more women played or went to some of the stuff I liked, I feel like I'd be playing to the old adage of creepy nerd likes to hit on anyone female. No thanks, I don't want to come across as that kind of dude. I'd rather shut my face up. In addition to my own fear of rejections, etc. Plus, it seems rather dishonest of me to be going to those kind of events with that preconceived notion/intention. And yeah, I have made friends with some of them, sure I don't chill with them as much as I'd like, or know them as well as I'd like but I'm certainly friends with them.

Here's the kicker, a lot of those dudes that run the games... someway, somehow, they're all married or engaged or have a girlfriend already. Or are new parents in one fellow's instance. Do you really think they're gonna take time out of their busy schedules to introduce me to their single female friends? Or may have single female friends? I don't really think so. And they're also like... 35+.

Otherwise, I'll go mostly to chill and play new games. On occassion, I'll take my little brother with me and I don't want to hit on girls while he's around either and that makes me rather uncomfortable.

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Post by readertorider on Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:24 am

Oh, hugs to you (if you want them), Herr R (and anyone else who would like hugs). My usual Valentines Day plans are 1)give chocolate to all friends in sight and 2) read a romance novel.The latter has occasionally been traumatic for all involved, but I feel like it suites the idealized, overly commercial, holiday spirit very well and I just like celebrating things.

MapWater wrote:
TheRoux wrote:But at the same time, I hate to have this feeling that it's a random thing. Once you've got something going, it's going to take skill to keep it running (or kill it if it looks toxic), but meeting people that are in your dating pool feels just way too random (I hate the numbers game)... And for some of us, meeting people is tirering and time consuming... So considering all the things I do (activities, school, work, etc) I'm left with little time to just go out and meet people... I mean, as an introvert, I would have to sacrifice either my alone (recharge) time or some other activity that I do and love just to go out and practice having awkward conversations (cold approaches) with people that will eventually shut me down... And at the same time I tell myself that when I finish school, I'll have more time to myself, therefore more time to "hunt" (to be honest, I kinda hate that word too, but it just feels too much like hunting), but I think I might just looking for excuses...
All of this. Especially the introvert part. I think it's probably another coping method against loneliness when it strikes, because I just imagine having to spend what little free time I have to myself right now with someone else and I just balk[emphasis mine]. Makes me feel like a selfish dick sometimes, but it sure as hell wipes that loneliness out of my head at the same time.

I definitely do this--I think it's part of what makes me a happily single person. When I was dating someone the anticipation/excitement of the date would help it hold its own against "Books! Sleep! Guest Lecture! New Knitting Pattern! Friends sending me spreadsheets of terrible drink creations! My time is mine!" feelings, but afterwards having that free time back was pretty glorious. I don't really feel selfish about it either--my dating someone doesn't magically make anyone's life any better and it takes time away from volunteering activities.

Another thing that really helps me be happy with my singleness is that the two Aunts who I'm closest to and family members say I resemble are single for as long as I've been alive (and probably well before that) and well liked and interesting people. If I don't find someone that trail is blazed and there's a different sort of fun times at the end of it.

And lastly, I still have a sense that I'm not finished enough for dating if that makes any sense. My employment is temporary, my local and college friends are scattered, and I want the time to experiment as an adult--how much money do I need in savings to be comfortable? Is joining a rock gym a productive way for me to exercise? How much do I actually care about sports? Do I want to try and travel to keep up with now long distance friends? How (and what) do I like to cook when I'm only feeding myself? I think once I have the answers to these questions I'll be a better relationship partner because I'll know what sort of compromises I can happily make.

This isn't to say that I don't want a relationship (have a crush on a close friend that I'm not sure how or if to pursue) and every now and then I'll catch a glimpse of someone's lips or leg or a whiff of cologne and think 'yes, sex, I want that', but now's not the best time, and if it never happens because it didn't happen in this period of my life, I'm fine with that.

Sorry that this got so long, and sorry if I'm being tone deaf, but I've been thinking about romantic relationships lately, and writing this has helped clarify my thoughts.
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Post by Guest on Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:33 am

The Mikey wrote:
Jayce wrote:
You guys are forgetting something important. People know people. Those whatever "sausage fests" you described sounds like you were just trying there to enjoy your hobby while at the same time meet women that you might like. Kind of sounds like you didn't bother much with making friends with other men. What about the guys around there? Have you tried befriending some of the ones that you like? What if those guys know single women that might want to date you? What if you became good friends with them, you go on cool adventures/outings with them and/or their friends, and thus you'll socialise more and you might just happen to meet more women?

I hope to meet women there, but I'll be honest I'm just kidding myself at that point. Even if more women played or went to some of the stuff I liked, I feel like I'd be playing to the old adage of creepy nerd likes to hit on anyone female. No thanks, I don't want to come across as that kind of dude. I'd rather shut my face up. In addition to my own fear of rejections, etc. Plus, it seems rather dishonest of me to be going to those kind of events with that preconceived notion/intention. And yeah, I have made friends with some of them, sure I don't chill with them as much as I'd like, or know them as well as I'd like but I'm certainly friends with them.

Pretty much this, just different activities! Razz

readertorider wrote:This isn't to say that I don't want a relationship (have a crush on a close friend that I'm not sure how or if to pursue) and every now and then I'll catch a glimpse of someone's lips or leg or a whiff of cologne and think 'yes, sex, I want that', but now's not the best time, and if it never happens because it didn't happen in this period of my life, I'm fine with that.

...Also this.

But I feel like, outside my living situation and not having a drivers license, I'm at the point where I would be expected to find someone. That said, I'm not.

A side note, tangentially related: does anyone have others bring up your single-ness? Because I hear it happen a lot to people I know online but it's only ever happened once to me.

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Post by readertorider on Sat Jan 24, 2015 11:00 am

MapWater wrote:A side note, tangentially related: does anyone have others bring up your single-ness? Because I hear it happen a lot to people I know online but it's only ever happened once to me.

My extended family will do it in a casual "What about you ___, have a boyfriend yet?" at the yearly or so family reunion, but they mean it in the same way they've asked me about work or my classes or the clubs I run. And last family reunion my older cousin's love life had everyone pretty distracted from my own Smile

Close girlfriends have asked me about it, because they want to know what's going on in my life and talk about their own boyfriends and the kid possibility and other major life choices. I like these questions, they help me solidify my own thinking and hear my friend's opinions and good friends usually understand eachother pretty well anyway.
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Post by nearly_takuan on Sat Jan 24, 2015 2:05 pm

Herr R wrote:How do I cope with it? Well I can only hope that I get scheduled to work on Valentine's Day. Otherwise, unless I'm having a relatively good day (i.e. I'm out and about), I promise myself that I'm not going to have a breakdown if I feel myself that I'm about to. Or I desperately try and fill the void with anger at whatever pet issues and enemies I may have (my annoying housemates, my heavy work schedule, SJW's, etc.)

Huh. I'm on the other side of this—I hated previous years when I had to work on Valentine's Day, because it meant I was walking around the city and riding the buses and trains after work, and seeing all the people ten years younger than me or thirty years older, carrying flowers and chocolates and things. Plus, you know. PDA.

This year I'm glad it's on a Saturday and I don't have to go to work. If there's work to do anyway I'll do it from home. I'll eat all my meals at home, watch Netflix and play games at home, stay the hell away from Facebook, sleep long hours on both ends of the day, and probably come out of that with way fewer ego-bruises than previous years.

readertorider wrote:
MapWater wrote:A side note, tangentially related: does anyone have others bring up your single-ness? Because I hear it happen a lot to people I know online but it's only ever happened once to me.

My extended family will do it in a casual "What about you ___, have a boyfriend yet?" at the yearly or so family reunion, but they mean it in the same way they've asked me about work or my classes or the clubs I run. And last family reunion my older cousin's love life had everyone pretty distracted from my own Smile

My family does this too, though it's more than once a year. And I agree the spirit they intend it in is supposed to be like asking me about my job or whatever, but I still pretty much hate it. For that matter I hated being asked so much about whether I had a job yet, because I felt obligated to present myself as eternally optimistic and confident in my skills, but since I at least have some reason to be somewhat confident in my skills I always found the "where's your girlfriend" stuff harder to deal with.
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