Advice for a twenty-something lady in struggle

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Post by StrangePanda on Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:26 pm

Alright, dear nerdloungers, I want to thank you ALL for your support   cheers
I've been thinking about what I can do to put in practice what you wrote for me. Soooo here we go, my resolutions:

1. I asked to join a student club in my university, they accepted me so far, and I'll go to their meeting this week. (I'm so so anxious, I hope they'll not find me too weird or awkward arghfjsbcjfk)

2. I'll make an effort to plan the night before what I'll be wearing  the next day. As I'm a very lazy ass, I usually hit the sneeze button like 10 times so I usually don't have time to choose my outfit). And I want to be a little bit more adventurous in my style. I often feel awkward when I'm wearing something cute / interesting and I want to fight these thoughts.

3. Oh gods, this is difficult but I'll try my best at not being way too subtle in my flirting. I don't know but I have to fight my fear of showing when I like someone.

4. I'll take Jayce's advice when I'm feeling intimidated by a cutie and pretend they are here eating packaged potato chips with a fork  Razz

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Post by nearly_takuan on Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:32 pm

StrangePanda wrote:I don't know but I have to fight my fear of showing when I like someone.

When you put it that way, it's no wonder they don't know if you like them or not! Laughing
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Post by StrangePanda on Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:40 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:
StrangePanda wrote:I don't know but I have to fight my fear of showing when I like someone.

When you put it that way, it's no wonder they don't know if you like them or not! Laughing

Well, I've been thinking why my flirting is so subtle and why, when you think about it, it seems more like a friendly behavior rather than a romantical. I think the truth is I'm afraid to show my interest because I can't imagine them liking me. So it's like a defense mechanism for rejection. *rolling in the deep*

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Post by The Wisp on Tue Jan 20, 2015 1:24 am

Those all sound like great idea! Good luck, StrangePanda, I'm rooting for you!

Don't be too hard on yourself if you find these things difficult at first, change is hard.
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Post by Guest on Tue Jan 20, 2015 2:09 am

StrangePanda wrote:Alright, dear nerdloungers, I want to thank you ALL for your support   cheers
I've been thinking about what I can do to put in practice what you wrote for me. Soooo here we go, my resolutions:

1. I asked to join a student club in my university, they accepted me so far, and I'll go to their meeting this week. (I'm so so anxious, I hope they'll not find me too weird or awkward arghfjsbcjfk)

Hey, it'll be cool. You're probably not as weird or awkward as you think you are. So, I think you'll be fine in a regular social setting. What's the club about if you don't mind me asking?

StrangePanda wrote:
2. I'll make an effort to plan the night before what I'll be wearing  the next day. As I'm a very lazy ass, I usually hit the sneeze button like 10 times so I usually don't have time to choose my outfit). And I want to be a little bit more adventurous in my style. I often feel awkward when I'm wearing something cute / interesting and I want to fight these thoughts.

Not a bad idea, I've done that a few times. Works pretty well when you wanna save time or if you know for a fact you're gonna forget what to wear. Razz

StrangePanda wrote:
3. Oh gods, this is difficult but I'll try my best at not being way too subtle in my flirting. I don't know but I have to fight my fear of showing when I like someone.

4. I'll take Jayce's advice when I'm feeling intimidated by a cutie and pretend they are here eating packaged potato chips with a fork  Razz

I would say don't be afraid of showing it, but rather own it, if you're attracted to someone, go for it. :3 Then again, I'm not sure what you define as flirting, or what you do to flirt seeing as how I'm as dense as an igneous rock and don't know when someone is flirting with me. Nor am I 100% sure if and when I'm flirting. D:

As for Jayce's advice? Hehehehe, that's funny. Gave me a good chuckle.

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Post by Herr R on Tue Jan 20, 2015 2:43 am

Seriously, good luck. Also, if you decide to go for the big, beautiful and tall lace and leather goddess look, I know girl about your height who is also on the chubby side and she rocks the look quite well!

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Post by ChrissyOrig on Tue Jan 20, 2015 11:02 am

StrangePanda wrote:I think the truth is I'm afraid to show my interest because I can't imagine them liking me. So it's like a defense mechanism for rejection.

Yesterday I read a quote from the actress Natalie Dormer (can't find it to link, though). Talking about auditions, she said that she changed the way she approached them. Instead of focusing on a fear or rejection, she framed it like this: They (producers/directors/etc.) need someone, they WANT to find the solution, so now I focus on showing that I'm the SOLUTION.

So, that could apply to other things, like job interviews or even just meeting potential friends or romantic interests. Just something to bear in mind.

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Post by StrangePanda on Thu Jan 22, 2015 12:30 am

Sorry to not answer more quickly, these were a couple of busy days. But I'm proud to say I did something I wanted to do waaaay too long: I joined a student club AND went to my first meeting! It's a student association related to student life and events on campus. I like that I can do something useful there (it will look good on my resume too Razz ) and socialize at the same occasion. I don't know if I'll always have enough time for that but we'll see. I can always quit if it becomes too much.
But the most important is that I was really nervous, almost run away when I was in front of their door and was feeling way too awkward, BUT I did go anyway cheers  I don't know what they think of me yet, I hope I was not too weird.
Maybe it's not much, but as a person with social anxiety, I think it's a big step for me.

ChrissyOrig wrote:
Yesterday I read a quote from the actress Natalie Dormer (can't find it to link, though). Talking about auditions, she said that she changed the way she approached them. Instead of focusing on a fear or rejection, she framed it like this: They (producers/directors/etc.) need someone, they WANT to find the solution, so now I focus on showing that I'm the SOLUTION.

So, that could apply to other things, like job interviews or even just meeting potential friends or romantic interests. Just something to bear in mind.

Yes, I saw this quote in GIFs somewhere on Internet too! I don't know if it can apply to romantic stuff, though. Do people really need me in their life? Maybe for someone who is lonely too but for someone who already has lots of friends and potential girlfriends? I don't know...

The Mikey wrote:
I would say don't be afraid of showing it, but rather own it, if you're attracted to someone, go for it. :3 Then again, I'm not sure what you define as flirting, or what you do to flirt seeing as how I'm as dense as an igneous rock and don't know when someone is flirting with me. Nor am I 100% sure if and when I'm flirting. D:

Well, you see, I think when someone is flirting it shows in their eyes. That's why I was surprised when people here on forum  told me I flirt way too subtle because for me it's clear when a person has shiny eyes, smiles a lot, steals way too much glances, tries to be physically close to their crush and generally has this hopeful-playful look in their eyes, that's because they like this person.


The Wisp wrote:Those all sound like great idea! Good luck, StrangePanda, I'm rooting for you!

Thanks, Wisp Grin

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Post by The Wisp on Thu Jan 22, 2015 1:01 am

Good job going to the club! I know how hard it is to do new things like that as a socially anxious person myself.

Well, you see, I think when someone is flirting it shows in their eyes. That's why I was surprised when people here on forum told me I flirt way too subtle because for me it's clear when a person has shiny eyes, smiles a lot, steals way too much glances, tries to be physically close to their crush and generally has this hopeful-playful look in their eyes, that's because they like this person.

Well, I think this is one of those things that is much easier to see as an outside observer than when you are in the situation. When the person is (or isn't) flirting with you, the stakes are higher so you doubt yourself much more.
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Post by OneTrueGuest on Thu Jan 22, 2015 2:02 am

As someone who is terrible at knowing if anyone is ever into her, let me say that short of someone asking me out I simply refuse to believe anyone is interested. I've told my story elsewhere here, but I had enough bad experiences assuming someone was into me and then asking them out only to be embarrassed and rejected, that I just stopped assuming I had the capacity to tell that someone was into me. I think a lot of guys are similar, and in fact unless you are flirting in kind of a movie way (a lot of sexual innuendo, pouty lips etc) they just don't think it's flirting. I honestly think film and maybe other more X rated movies as well have given the impression to a lot of guys that flirting is big and bold and red lipped and sassy, and anything else is not flirting. Plus don't forget a lot of guys, especially nerdy guys, assume it's super easy to be a woman and any woman can get any guy so if she was really into a guy she would just be really really obvious about it. They forget that women can be neurotic, shy, awkward and not so good with social graces too. I mean, have you read the conversations here about whether or not a girl is into a guy and the analysis? I'm not dissing the analysis, I join in and quite honestly I don't know the answer most of the time because, as I said above, I too suck at knowing if someone's flirting.

This is why (though others here have fervently disagreed with me) I'm all for a simple, "Wanna go on a date?" It's to the point, there is no confusion of intentions, and bye bye speculation. I understand though that that is extremely scary and vulnerable and not an easy thing to do at all (I honestly can't remember the last time I asked someone out myself). But I do think it makes life SO much more straightforward.

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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Jan 22, 2015 2:09 am

OneTrueGuest wrote:As someone who is terrible at knowing if anyone is ever into her, let me say that short of someone asking me out I simply refuse to believe anyone is interested.  I've told my story elsewhere here, but I had enough bad experiences assuming someone was into me and then asking them out only to be embarrassed and rejected, that I just stopped assuming I had the capacity to tell that someone was into me.  I think a lot of guys are similar, and in fact unless you are flirting in kind of a movie way (a lot of sexual innuendo, pouty lips etc) they just don't think it's flirting.  I honestly think film and maybe other more X rated movies as well have given the impression to a lot of guys that flirting is big and bold and red lipped and sassy, and anything else is not flirting.  Plus don't forget a lot of guys, especially nerdy guys, assume it's super easy to be a woman and any woman can get any guy so if she was really into a guy she would just be really really obvious about it.  They forget that women can be neurotic, shy, awkward and not so good with social graces too.  I mean, have you read the conversations here about whether or not a girl is into a guy and the analysis?  I'm not dissing the analysis, I join in and quite honestly I don't know the answer most of the time because, as I said above, I too suck at knowing if someone's flirting.  

This is why (though others here have fervently disagreed with me) I'm all for a simple, "Wanna go on a date?"  It's to the point, there is no confusion of intentions, and bye bye speculation.  I understand though that that is extremely scary and vulnerable and not an easy thing to do at all (I honestly can't remember the last time I asked someone out myself).  But I do think it makes life SO much more straightforward.  

Seconding all this. Plausible Deniability is the root of all frustrations Razz . Same goes for the person on the other end of the interaction: "Hey, wanna go out some time?" "No." "Okay." (There, now we know she's not interested.)
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Post by Caffeinated on Thu Jan 22, 2015 2:16 am

StrangePanda wrote:
ChrissyOrig wrote:
Yesterday I read a quote from the actress Natalie Dormer (can't find it to link, though). Talking about auditions, she said that she changed the way she approached them. Instead of focusing on a fear or rejection, she framed it like this: They (producers/directors/etc.) need someone, they WANT to find the solution, so now I focus on showing that I'm the SOLUTION.

So, that could apply to other things, like job interviews or even just meeting potential friends or romantic interests. Just something to bear in mind.

Yes, I saw this quote in GIFs somewhere on Internet too! I don't know if it can apply to romantic stuff, though. Do people really need me in their life? Maybe for someone who is lonely too but for someone who already has lots of friends and potential girlfriends? I don't know...

When I was a kid, my mom gave me advice about making friends in a new place. She said when you go in, look around for someone who is sitting alone and go talk to them. And that's what I've always done. So when you say that maybe people don't need you in their life unless they're lonely too, well, I mean, yeah. Find the lonely people and make friends with them.
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Post by Jayce on Thu Jan 22, 2015 5:55 am

StrangePanda wrote: But I'm proud to say I did something I wanted to do waaaay too long: I joined a student club AND went to my first meeting! It's a student association related to student life and events on campus. I like that I can do something useful there (it will look good on my resume too Razz ) and socialize at the same occasion. I don't know if I'll always have enough time for that but we'll see. I can always quit if it becomes too much.
But the most important is that I was really nervous, almost run away when I was in front of their door and was feeling way too awkward, BUT I did go anyway cheers  I don't know what they think of me yet, I hope I was not too weird.
Maybe it's not much, but as a person with social anxiety, I think it's a big step for me.

Well, you see, I think when someone is flirting it shows in their eyes. That's why I was surprised when people here on forum  told me I flirt way too subtle because for me it's clear when a person has shiny eyes, smiles a lot, steals way too much glances, tries to be physically close to their crush and generally has this hopeful-playful look in their eyes, that's because they like this person.

Sounds pretty good so far. Way to go! You took the first step!

What counts as flirting for someone can also seem platonic to someone else unless the way you flirted was extremely overt, for example a couple of days ago I flirted with someone, when they said they loved Disney princess movies, I ask them if they liked Frozen, she told me she liked it but Tangled was her favourite. I gently stroked her lovely blonde hair with my fingers a bit and said "hey if you grew your hair a bit longer, you could totally be like Rapunzel. And you already look like a princess. To me, I was flirting, but to someone else it can just be a friend complimenting another friend, talking about Tangled and dressing up.


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Post by KMR on Thu Jan 22, 2015 11:19 am

OneTrueGuest wrote:As someone who is terrible at knowing if anyone is ever into her, let me say that short of someone asking me out I simply refuse to believe anyone is interested.  I've told my story elsewhere here, but I had enough bad experiences assuming someone was into me and then asking them out only to be embarrassed and rejected, that I just stopped assuming I had the capacity to tell that someone was into me.  I think a lot of guys are similar, and in fact unless you are flirting in kind of a movie way (a lot of sexual innuendo, pouty lips etc) they just don't think it's flirting.  I honestly think film and maybe other more X rated movies as well have given the impression to a lot of guys that flirting is big and bold and red lipped and sassy, and anything else is not flirting.  Plus don't forget a lot of guys, especially nerdy guys, assume it's super easy to be a woman and any woman can get any guy so if she was really into a guy she would just be really really obvious about it.  They forget that women can be neurotic, shy, awkward and not so good with social graces too.  I mean, have you read the conversations here about whether or not a girl is into a guy and the analysis?  I'm not dissing the analysis, I join in and quite honestly I don't know the answer most of the time because, as I said above, I too suck at knowing if someone's flirting.  

This is why (though others here have fervently disagreed with me) I'm all for a simple, "Wanna go on a date?"  It's to the point, there is no confusion of intentions, and bye bye speculation.  I understand though that that is extremely scary and vulnerable and not an easy thing to do at all (I honestly can't remember the last time I asked someone out myself).  But I do think it makes life SO much more straightforward.  

Also going to second this. Not counting online dating, where it's automatically assumed that anyone you talk to is at least considering dating you, the few times I've had a crush on a guy or he had a crush on me, I could never differentiate between whether his actions toward me were friendly or something more until either he asked me out or I got up the courage to confess my feelings and ask him out. In the case where I'd have a crush on a guy, I'd end up analyzing his actions but never being able to draw a conclusion about whether this was friendly behavior or romantic intent, leading me to either be paralyzed into inaction or getting sick of the uncertainty and just asking him about it. In the case where the guy would have a crush on me, I would never realize he was interested in anything other than friendship until he'd explicitly ask me out. At which point, I'd think back on it, and in hindsight, it would seem so obvious that he was interested.

The spectrum of friendly behavior overlaps with the spectrum of flirty behavior, and when it does, it gets really hard to differentiate the two. Plus, our cognitive biases play a role in our perceptions here. Your flirty behavior is obvious to you because you already KNOW you're flirting. The guys you're flirting with can only guess that's what you might be doing, if they're even aware of it, so their interpretations of your signals are going to be much more uncertain and they might decide, "Nah, there's no way she'd be into me. I must be misreading things."
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