Nerd Parenting

Page 2 of 2 Previous  1, 2

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by Guest on Fri Mar 06, 2015 2:10 pm

Caffeinated wrote:It's such a tricky thing, the gender stuff with little kids. Before I was a parent, I thought it would be simpler than it feels now. But when one of my little boys seems to be more interested in something coded "girl", I get a little uncomfortable. I don't go and say no you can't play with that it's for girls, because I do think that would be shitty. But I worry, what if he says/does/wears/whatever "girl" things and gets teased or bullied for it? I never anticipated the fear and protectiveness that this stuff would bring up in me, and it makes it weirder and harder than I expected.

Oh, this, SO MUCH.

I like to do crafty things, and one of my favorite things is fabric paint on T-shirts for me and my kids. A little over a year ago, they picked out their own shirts, then chose stencils and paints from my collection.

As a result, my then-4-year-old son wound up with a too-big-for-him pink shirt with glittery blue and green butterflies all over it.

He LOVES this shirt, still. He wants to wear it everywhere.

It looks like a pink dress. With glittery butterflies.

I try really hard to not be uncomfortable, or to squirm, but I can't quite help it. I do let him wear it, though.

He also really loves anything that was his big sister's, especially her old clothes. She likes to hand down her nightgowns when she's done with them, and I let him wear them at night, but I do draw the line at her old Christmas dresses, when he decides he wants to wear them to church. It may be gender-role oppressiveness, but the issue is that he doesn't understand the consequences of his choice. If at 12, my son tells me he wants to wear dresses, we'll talk about it, and make a decision. But right now... it's really, really a hard line to walk.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by Guest on Fri Mar 06, 2015 2:22 pm

[Redacted by EJ]


Last edited by ElizaJane on Fri May 29, 2015 2:58 pm; edited 1 time in total

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by Wondering on Fri Mar 06, 2015 2:37 pm

reboot wrote:Not a parent, but maybe when they are old enough that they ask why boys cannot like princesses or what ladylike is, give them a 101 talk about how some people have stupid* ideas about what boys and girls can do.

* You might want to reconsider using "stupid" as it can result in the children telling people that they are stupid, if my niece and nephew are anything to go by. But then again, having a 5 year old tell someone they are stupid, sexist and think old is pretty amusing

My problem with this is that I'm worried she's not going to ask what "ladylike" means because she'll already have been told by her grandparents and great aunts and other cultural influences. If she asked, that would be great. It would generally mean she hadn't fully internalized it. (And yeah, totally agree on the "stupid.")

One of the big problems is that my family thinks they're all about boys and girls doing and liking the same things. Equality. And generally, they are. But what they don't and won't recognize is how harmful behavioral norms are and how that frequently that ends up limiting what girls can do and like.


ElizaJane wrote:Can you counter it with more gender-friendly language, still in the mode of banter?

Them: "Oh, Baby. That's not very ladylike."
You: "She's prepping for locker-room culture in her first NFL start."

It's funny and non-confrontational, but counters the assumptions.

Maybe. I wouldn't want to say something like that, though. NFL = men, and I don't like the idea that men can do those things and women can't. I did have a rejoinder to the plumber who was over the other day, though, and was making those sorts of stereotypical comments to my husband about him needing a shotgun when Baby gets older. And I said, "She's my daughter. She'll have her own shotgun." Not that that's actually my philosophy, but it did literally give him pause and I could see him thinking about it. Of course, the plumber is not a constant influence on the baby's life. My reaction when relatives say it is anger because a) it's stupid, and b) I've told them not to. So my brain isn't thinking in rejoinders at that point.

Caffeinated wrote:It's such a tricky thing, the gender stuff with little kids. Before I was a parent, I thought it would be simpler than it feels now. But when one of my little boys seems to be more interested in something coded "girl", I get a little uncomfortable. I don't go and say no you can't play with that it's for girls, because I do think that would be shitty. But I worry, what if he says/does/wears/whatever "girl" things and gets teased or bullied for it? I never anticipated the fear and protectiveness that this stuff would bring up in me, and it makes it weirder and harder than I expected.

I agree it's really hard. And I'm surprised by the things that give me pause. Like, I generally dress my baby in gender neutral clothes (although all the stores call them boy clothes). And when I do, I think of her as a baby. But when I dress her in girl clothes, I think of her as a girl. It's really weird, and it makes me cranky at myself sometimes. Like when I notice I'm referring to all her not-coded-female toys as "he." Grrr.

Wondering

Posts : 1114
Reputation : 435
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by choys on Thu Apr 16, 2015 4:52 pm

Hi all, not a parent, but a very happy auntie. Lovestruck

As the nerdy-aunt, I have mad visions of dressing my niece and nephews up as chibi versions of popular characters. I made my best friend's 2-yo son a Hawkeye costume. I am on a mission to get my sister to agree to letting me make my 3-yo niece a Chun-Li costume. I fully intend to indoctrinate them into all things nerdy and fun as they get older. XD

choys

Posts : 14
Reputation : 2
Join date : 2015-04-15

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by kleenestar on Fri Apr 17, 2015 4:46 pm

My solution to the similar* problem I'm having is to respond with enthusiasm.

"Oh that's not very ladylike!"

"Yeah! That's right! Good job baby! Demolish the patriarchy!"

* Similar problem: I'm already getting comments from family about how big my baby is, including "jokes" about putting her on a diet. My response is on the order of, "I'm so happy that she's a big healthy baby! You know our pediatrician says that's why she sleeps through the night. Good job baby." The irony is that she is so tall she is actually a very well-proportioned baby. Some people just cannot handle that I'm proud my baby girl is enormous in all dimensions - they would be beaming and delighted if she were a boy.
avatar
kleenestar

Posts : 289
Reputation : 204
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by PintsizeBro on Fri Apr 17, 2015 6:58 pm

Not a parent, so take this with a grain of salt, but my own thought when a well-meaning relative tells a baby (!) that burping isn't ladylike is, "She's not a lady. She's a child."

Eliza, what an adorable kid! I'm impressed to see a smile at bedtime. I sympathize with your concerns. It's got to be a hard line to walk, you want him to be himself, but you don't want him to get hurt.

PintsizeBro

Posts : 307
Reputation : 233
Join date : 2015-02-13

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by choys on Fri Apr 17, 2015 7:11 pm

Oh, man, kleenestar, I feel your pain. My niece was 20-lbs at 5 months and has continued to exceed expectations in terms of her size. But like your baby, she is completely proportional, just big for her age. Currently, she is 3 but consistently gets mistaken for being about 5 instead. My parents get on my sister to put my niece on a diet all the time. Both my sister and I have to constantly push back pointing out that it's more important that she's healthy and active, which she is. She went straight from sitting to running, and hasn't stopped since.

Things I do when my parents bring up my niece's weight:
- Tell them they're being ridiculous, she's a baby.
- Interrupt them when I first hear them start, usually with laughter to again point out they are being ridiculous.
- Tell them they're going to give my niece a complex. For something ridiculous.
- Let my sister know she is not alone and I have both her and my niece's backs.

All to varying success. At this point, i don't think they yet fully understand *why* they're being ridiculous, but at least they know not to bring it up when skyping with my niece. I regulate that pretty firmly.

It's extra frustrating because I know they're not doing it to be mean, but because they actually do care and *think* that they're showing care and concern. Facepalm

choys

Posts : 14
Reputation : 2
Join date : 2015-04-15

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by reboot on Fri Apr 17, 2015 7:17 pm

Yea physics. Body shaming before they have fully transitioned to solid foods Sad
avatar
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by choys on Fri Apr 17, 2015 8:16 pm

ElizaJane wrote:
Caffeinated wrote:It's such a tricky thing, the gender stuff with little kids. Before I was a parent, I thought it would be simpler than it feels now. But when one of my little boys seems to be more interested in something coded "girl", I get a little uncomfortable. I don't go and say no you can't play with that it's for girls, because I do think that would be shitty. But I worry, what if he says/does/wears/whatever "girl" things and gets teased or bullied for it? I never anticipated the fear and protectiveness that this stuff would bring up in me, and it makes it weirder and harder than I expected.

Oh, this, SO MUCH.

I like to do crafty things, and one of my favorite things is fabric paint on T-shirts for me and my kids.  A little over a year ago, they picked out their own shirts, then chose stencils and paints from my collection.

As a result, my then-4-year-old son wound up with a too-big-for-him pink shirt with glittery blue and green butterflies all over it.

He LOVES this shirt, still.  He wants to wear it everywhere.

It looks like a pink dress.  With glittery butterflies.

I try really hard to not be uncomfortable, or to squirm, but I can't quite help it.  I do let him wear it, though.

He also really loves anything that was his big sister's, especially her old clothes.  She likes to hand down her nightgowns when she's done with them, and I let him wear them at night, but I do draw the line at her old Christmas dresses, when he decides he wants to wear them to church.  It may be gender-role oppressiveness, but the issue is that he doesn't understand the consequences of his choice.  If at 12, my son tells me he wants to wear dresses, we'll talk about it, and make a decision.  But right now... it's really, really a hard line to walk.

First, your kid is adorable. Look at how happy he is! Smile

Second, I feel like you are balancing things pretty well in letting him express himself freely within safe spaces, while still protecting him in the larger world. I think the only thing you can do is take it on a case-by-case basis. Hopefully, by the time he is 12, we'll have moved to being more accepting of personal style and expression across gender lines.

On a slightly lighter note. My best friend's 2 1/2-yo son has always shown an interest in our shoes, probably because they are so much more colorful and shiny than his and his dad's. He likes to put on our sandals and heels and totter about. The other day, we were shopping for spring sandals and he had mighty loud opinions on which ones we should get. :LOL:

choys

Posts : 14
Reputation : 2
Join date : 2015-04-15

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by Wondering on Fri Oct 02, 2015 9:52 pm

I have a potty-mouth. My kid is 14 months old, and I have thus far been completely unsuccessful in curbing my profanity. I have no idea what to do.

And the funny thing is, I never swore as a kid or teen or early adult. Not until I went to grad school. I need to figure out how to get back to that.

_________________
-Nevertheless, she persisted

Wondering

Posts : 1114
Reputation : 435
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by Raindancing on Sat Oct 03, 2015 2:55 pm

Wondering wrote:I have a potty-mouth. My kid is 14 months old, and I have thus far been completely unsuccessful in curbing my profanity. I have no idea what to do.

And the funny thing is, I never swore as a kid or teen or early adult. Not until I went to grad school. I need to figure out how to get back to that.

What worked for me was picking replacements. I use "crumbs!" and if I've already said an f-sound, "fart!"

avatar
Raindancing

Posts : 21
Reputation : 6
Join date : 2014-10-13

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by Wondering on Sun Oct 04, 2015 1:03 am

That's worked in some situations, so it's been better than nothing, at least.

But I'm a person who's usually thinking three sentences ahead of what my mouth is actually saying, and so I often don't even notice I've said something bad until too late. I really need to work on noticing first, I think.

_________________
-Nevertheless, she persisted

Wondering

Posts : 1114
Reputation : 435
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Nerd Parenting

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 2 of 2 Previous  1, 2

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum