Dating while kinky

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Post by Guest on Fri Jan 16, 2015 1:10 pm

The article on DNL Prime today got me thinking about kink and how we handle it, but I didn't want to derail the conversation over there with a general talk about kink and dating, so I figured I'd bring it here.

How do people handle their kinks while dating?

As a data point, I am what I would call moderately kinky -- I don't really need anything beyond meat-and-potatoes sex to enjoy myself, but I get off a lot more profoundly with moderate BDSM play, strongly oriented on the D/s axis. I am also VERY into roleplaying, mostly along the D/s or B/D axes.

But I find it very hard to know how to broach these subjects, or WHEN, in a dating context. They're not really central to my life, and I'm not really comfortable putting them out there publicly (as in, for instance, a dating profile). When I start fooling around with someone, it tends to begin very kink-free, which is cool and fine. But at what point do you start to ask, "Hey, how would you feel about me putting on a tearaway princess costume while you dress up as the evil sorcerer?" And how do you do it without pressuring your partner, especially when it's something that's really not a dealbreaker for you?

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Post by TheRoux on Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:11 pm

ElizaJane wrote:But at what point do you start to ask, "Hey, how would you feel about me putting on a tearaway princess costume while you dress up as the evil sorcerer?" And how do you do it without pressuring your partner, especially when it's something that's really not a dealbreaker for you?

I wouldn't go through I question like that (at first), because it seems to me like we're asking our partner to do something for us which might feel pressuring. Instead, I would start by dropping it in a conversation about our various experiences and what we like. In between "I like position X and other stuff", it would probably go like this:

"You know, I used to have sex while wearing a Panda Costume, and I kinda liked it." Or: "I've always liked having a dominant role in sex, with a bit of BDSM play..."

which could be followed by:

"If you want, we could try it together some time..."

I think this way, you take the pressure away AND you let your partner know what you like. Give him the opportunity to ask you to try first (best case scenario), as this would be quite telling about how how he listen's to you and how open he is on his own volition. If after this he still does not engage in it, then you can try to talk about it more openly. Having told him about it before gave him time to think about it and prepare himself for when you'll feel ready to ask him about it.

Does it make sense to you?

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Post by reboot on Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:53 pm

I might approach it without bringing past partners/experience into it because it can sound like subtle criticism. I would try the, "You know what I think would be super hot?" or "I have always fantasized about trying X" or "You know what would really turn me on?"
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Post by OneTrueGuest on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:00 pm

I think direct communication is usually the best.  But if you're testing the waters in the first few dates I recommend discussing the subject more abstractly.  A great way into discussing it is to talk about 50 SHADES.  First of all if you agree it's a terrible book (soon to be terrible film) then you'll know the dude has good taste (apologies to any fans Smile ).  But you can then also discuss how problematic the BDSM is in it, and that there's nothing wrong with kink but it needs to be done in healthy consensual way and as you discuss this in the abstract you can gauge how much the other person agrees with you, how familiar they are with the world of BDSM in general, and then if you feel comfortable that he gets it and likes it and isn't judgmental or doesn't think it's some excuse to live out his fantasy of hurting women in general . . . then you can say something like, "Because in my personal experience . . ."  and go from there.  You can even make fun of elements like, "They think that's sexy role playing?  They clearly never played Princess and the Sorcerer!"

So yeah, that's my advice on how to bring it up when you are only a few dates into getting to know each other.

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Post by eselle28 on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:02 pm

The issue of referencing past partners can be a tricky one. I tend to use, "Every now and then I like to..." type phrasing, which I hope emphasizes that it isn't a must-have request for me. I don't know if I could use the hypothetical future phrasing in an honest way, since I think it carries a suggestion that I've never done the thing in question before and that it would be a first time experience for both of us.

Occasionally, I also test the waters a bit by trying the lightest of verbal roleplay, seeing if my partner seems into it, and backing off quickly if he doesn't seem to be. I suspect that's not going to work for all kinks or all roles, though.
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Post by eselle28 on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:05 pm

OneTrueGuest wrote:I think direct communication is usually the best.  But if you're testing the waters in the first few dates I recommend discussing the subject more abstractly.  A great way into discussing it is to talk about 50 SHADES.  First of all if you agree it's a terrible book (soon to be terrible film) then you'll know the dude has good taste (apologies to any fans Smile ).  But you can then also discuss how problematic the BDSM is in it, and that there's nothing wrong with kink but it needs to be done in healthy consensual way and as you discuss this in the abstract you can gauge how much the other person agrees with you, how familiar they are with the world of BDSM in general, and then if you feel comfortable that he gets it and likes it and isn't judgmental or doesn't think it's some excuse to live out his fantasy of hurting women in general . . . then you can say something like, "Because in my personal experience . . ."  and go from there.  You can even make fun of elements like, "They think that's sexy role playing?  They clearly never played Princess and the Sorcerer!"

So yeah, that's my advice on how to bring it up when you are only a few dates into getting to know each other.

I think that's a great way to discuss BDSM where the man is dominant and the woman is submissive! I'm not sure it works quite as well for people who like BDSM in other combinations, because I think it could pretty easily confuse people about what a person is actually looking for, and I suspect it's not that great of an entry point into discussing other sorts of kinks.
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Post by Gentleman Johnny on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:07 pm

You can also lead into thins like this from the early stages. "I know what I like and I'm not afraid to take charge" or "I really like a man/woman who knows what they like and isn't afraid to take charge". I'm not sure that universally used as D/S code but it strikes me as a pretty good hint.

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Post by OneTrueGuest on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:08 pm

Well actually it could work because you could get to the place of, "And isn't it frustrating that we don't see more female doms, male subs in mainstream media? I know that's something I'd really want to see."

But at any rate, I was responding very specifically to what Eliza was requesting, obviously for other kinks and other situations you need other ways in. I still think there are media references for them all. Also, for BDSM maleD/FemaleS - SECRETARY is a great film to also analyse and discuss. It's just not quite as well known as 50 SHADES.

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Post by reboot on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:09 pm

eselle28 wrote:The issue of referencing past partners can be a tricky one. I tend to use, "Every now and then I like to..." type phrasing, which I hope emphasizes that it isn't a must-have request for me. I don't know if I could use the hypothetical future phrasing in an honest way, since I think it carries a suggestion that I've never done the thing in question before and that it would be a first time experience for both of us.

Occasionally, I also test the waters a bit by trying the lightest of verbal roleplay, seeing if my partner seems into it, and backing off quickly if he doesn't seem to be. I suspect that's not going to work for all kinks or all roles, though.

Yeah, I was thinking of the future phrasing for something you had not done but wanted to but how I wrote it did not show that. I like the testing of waters thing, for the right kinks. Manual restraint of hands/wrists or blindfolds can also be used to test waters if that is in your realm.
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Post by OneTrueGuest on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:10 pm

GJ - that's great if you are already in a sexy kind of conversation, but sometimes in those initial dates, being the person who is willing to take the conversation into that place can be risky.  Especially as a woman because we have to be extra careful. Even more so if you are a woman sub. It's almost more important to test if a guy has an understanding of boundaries and respect, than if he likes it rough. So many guys pretend to be all into BDSM when really they are just into hurting women. So a woman just saying, "I like it when a man takes charge" with a guy who's a bit of a misogynist douche could end up with someone who after is "But I thought you said you liked it when a man takes charge!"

But of course if you're in a really flirty place already then there is a lot more room to say the kinds of things you're suggesting.

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Post by Gentleman Johnny on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:19 pm

OTG, true and I was thinking more OLD profiles or once things were already headed in a sexy direction. I guess in terms of "when", there's no point in discussing it before sex is on the table, especially if you;re someone who can be satisfied without.

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Post by Autumnflame on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:45 pm

Generally, I've been pretty straightforward about it. (But I'm admittedly also fairly vanilla, aside from a penchant for groups - which in some circles is kind of a unicorny thing anyway - so it's not usually a difficult conversation.) I give it a time or two of one-on-one vanilla sex, with whatever comes up, then in postcoital cuddling-and-talking time I'll ask what they're into. Most of the time they're polite enough to ask back, but if not then I go ahead and volunteer my own, and gauge their reaction.
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Post by LadyIkaros on Sat Jan 17, 2015 2:08 pm

Seconding the suggestion of post coital cuddle talk: It's a good time for "So that was nice; what do you like that we haven't tried? What are your fantasies/what are mine?" Firstly you're already in an intimate sort of frame, and secondly you're probably not dating 17-year-old boys anymore, so recuperating time being what it is makes it clear that there's no pressure to perform right now. You two are just discussing fun ideas for future possible activities.
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Post by Suika on Sat Jan 17, 2015 3:35 pm

You also have to take into mind the possibility of being judged for certain kinks. Many people won't really look at you the same way after being exposed to some of your turn-ons, even if they otherwise are quite open-minded folks.
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Post by Guest on Fri Jan 23, 2015 11:41 am

I really like all the advice here! I don't have a lot to say in response to individual answers, but I appreciate the time people took to respond.

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