The New Me

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The New Me Empty The New Me

Post by Guest on Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:43 pm

Hello folks,

So for my new year's resolution, I decided to be more open to people, to try to let out negative energy in a more constructive way, and to be the kind of person people want to be around.

I don't know if I've succeeded at this so far, but I'd personally like to thank the forum for tolerating me as long as you have, and I hope to have many meaningful experiences with you guys in the future.

OK I'm done. You know I'm bad at being sentimental. Get out of here, you hippies. I want to be better. SHut up.

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The New Me Empty Re: The New Me

Post by Gentleman Johnny on Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:46 pm

You're welcome. Also, well done.

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Post by reboot on Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:50 pm

Glides wrote:...
OK I'm done. You know I'm bad at being sentimental. Get out of here, you hippies. I want to be better. SHut up.

Darn, and I was just going to call together a feeling circle and then sing Kumbaya Smile
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Post by OneTrueGuest on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:04 pm

I know I said I was done responding to you Glides, but how can I be done when you write such a post??  This makes me SO happy you have no idea.  I am so excited for you and your new goals. I think they are wonderful.  If I can add one more to maybe think about, though you absolutely do not need to do this at all if it's just one thing too many, think about attempting to make the lives of others around you happier too.  What can you do to bring as much positivity into the world in your own unique wry way.  

Also be kind to yourself.  Like with all NY Resolutions, you will falter, you'll have bad days.  But think of it like how people have to think about dieting.  Just because you caved and ate a cupcake doesn't mean you don't go right back to dieting the next day.  If you do something you feel goes against these resolutions don't think, "Well there you go!  I screwed up!  I guess that's that then."  Think: "Well I screwed up.  Oh well, I'll do better tomorrow."  

Good luck Glides, I'm so so so so excited for you!!

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Post by Werel on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:55 pm

You're welcome, you little shit. Razz
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Post by eselle28 on Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:59 pm

Glad to hear, Glides.
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Post by UristMcBunny on Fri Jan 16, 2015 5:41 pm

Reading this actually made me feel a little bit heart-full. Good for you, dude. In the sincerest way.

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Post by BasedBuzzed on Fri Jan 16, 2015 7:52 pm

You already are all of those things, but more is always good. Also realize that this is a process which was well underway in 2014. You are a continuum.

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The New Me Empty Re: The New Me

Post by Enail on Fri Jan 16, 2015 9:32 pm

I've gotta say, I'm not sure you are bad at being sentimental - if you're not careful, that feeling circle and Kumbaya-ing Reboot mentioned might just happen spontaneously from the sheer awww-ness of that post Razz    

Like this--> Lovestruck  Sun  cheers


Anyway, sounds like a good resolution, let us know how we can help. You know we're rooting for you!
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Post by kleenestar on Sun Jan 18, 2015 8:45 pm

Badass. Let us know if we can help you figure out concrete ways to put your intentions into practice.
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The New Me Empty Re: The New Me

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 19, 2015 3:18 am

What keeps getting in the way of progress is having a mental breakdown on a whim.

And of course, having no confidence at all. Repeatedly apologizing to a girl for doing nothing wrong is not an attractive trait, folks. Apologizing for trying to be attractive to that person is worse. Turning into an awkward fuck around said person is even worse.

Needless to say, I scared off another girl, and it's because I suddenly reverted back to my real self, a fucking doormat. Doormat might be sensitive and emotional, but he's too sensitive and emotional. He's like Philip Seymour Hoffman from Synecdoche New York except not a genius. Quite hard to build self-confidence when all of it is wrapped around not being you.

I mean, hey, the mask is an arrogant prick, but that's because the alternative is far far worse.

I know this is negative ranting, which means I've failed my resolution already, as I always do, every year. I just can't like myself. I have a mental block in place.

I mean, is literally weeping and not knowing why you're weeping attractive? Is it attractive to repeatedly punch yourself in the face to stop yourself from weeping and then weep more because it hurts attractive? Would you want to go to bed with a man who does that? My self-hatred radiates out of me like a fucking nuclear explosion. The message girls get is "love me because I can't love for myself." I want to use them all to fill the hole inside. And why would they want to be my plaything, my band-aid? They've got their own shit to deal with, what the fuck do they need me for?

God, no wonder they all find me repulsive. I'm simply not good enough for any woman. And when one of them lowers their standards, I scare them off.

It's all over, folks. The jerkbrain won. Evil wins. Hitler wins. I can't fight it anymore. I'm not strong enough to fight it. I give in. I give up.

Nobody loves me. And there's no person on this planet stupid enough to love me. I have no impact or affect on any other human being. I'm just here. My parents don't love me. My family doesn't love me. They think they do, but they're forcing themselves to care. I am a useless cog at a useless low-paying job that could replace me with any old high schooler in a heartbeat. I'm thousands of dollars in debt at a school that will get me nowhere.

I mean, I can't even describe myself to someone anymore. I'm nothing but what I'm pretending to be. And even the act isn't enough, people still find me dull and useless. And who can blame them? Who can blame those on the forum that are about sick and fucking tired of my complaining? That's all I do now. Complain complain complain.

I wish someone could love me. I wish someone could be attracted to me. I wish I knew what that really felt like. No one has ever loved me in any context, and admittedly, I don't love anyone either. I just feel nothing. It's one big fat nothing. All I see is nothing nothing nothing. In these moments, when everything is at its worst, I just stop feeling. I stop caring. If the world ended tomorrow, I wouldn't care.

And all you'll say is the opposite of everything I've just said, and you don't say it to be rude or condescending, you believe that you believe it, because you see the good in everything. You see good in me where there is none, because when there's no good you gotta subconsciously pretend.

Good fucking riddance and good bye. I can't take this shit anymore. I'm not strong enough.

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Post by gaboz on Mon Jan 19, 2015 5:32 am

Glides, DONT EVER FUCKING GIVE UP. I just one weekend you went from somewhat postive outlook to total meltdown.

You scared another girl because you went out of your comfort zone en got scared. goddammit man cant you see that you already made some posite changes? It takes time, no shortcuts, for this. You actually got 2 girls in a couple of months who were interested in you, so you are doing something right? Take some time off and just do some fun stuff. We love to see you happy.

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Post by Gman on Mon Jan 19, 2015 8:53 am

Glides, please be careful and please be kind to yourself. I don't think that you messed up your new year's resolution and that you should give up, you just fell down the rabbit hole again and that happens to EVERYONE (and that, my friend is an actual universal truth). 

So please, just stay safe and be kind to yourself. I'm really rooting for you, because despite your endless claim that no one gives two shits about you, that simply isn't true. Because I do care about the things that you write down here. The reason for that is because a lot of the times I also feel the things you feel and can relate to them (at varying intensities from your experiences, but still).

So please remember that I do see you - as an online friend of mine (mainly due to physical constraints) :-)

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Post by Enail on Mon Jan 19, 2015 1:37 pm

Glides wrote:What keeps getting in the way of progress is having a mental breakdown on a whim.

That's very tough - though I think calling it a whim is doing yourself a disservice, because that doesn't sound like the kind of thing a person does on purpose. If your emotions are getting overwhelming and you're overloaded, of course dealing with that on the immediate level is going to come first and working on the kind of progress you want to be making takes a back seat. That's okay, that's as it should be. That's doing progress right.

Glides wrote:I know this is negative ranting, which means I've failed my resolution already, as I always do, every year.

Nope. Wrong. First: your resolution was to try to let out negative energy in a more constructive way. What you set yourself was - smartly - not a "never do X or you lose" goal, it was a "keep working on this" goal. If it was so easy that just making the resolution would be enough to guarantee you'd do it perfectly all the time, that'd hardly be a resolution worth making. If you really meant to keep this resolution, you need to keep working on it. It's going to be difficult. Sometimes you'll fall down on it. Accept that and keep working on getting up again faster.

Second: There's a bit of a relative element to this, too. Ranting might not be the absolute most constructive way to let out negative energy, but it's hardly the worst, either. Free-writing about your feelings is a pretty common suggestion for healthy things to do with your feelings; writing to a forum isn't quite the same, but it's not that far removed. Ranting to us is an infinitely better thing to be doing with your feelings than hurting yourself, for example, so you need to be giving yourself at least partial credit for choosing healthier things over less healthy ones. If you're not going to give yourself credit for what you're doing, you're making it harder to keep it up.

Glides wrote:I mean, is literally weeping and not knowing why you're weeping attractive? Is it attractive to repeatedly punch yourself in the face to stop yourself from weeping and then weep more because it hurts attractive? Would you want to go to bed with a man who does that? My self-hatred radiates out of me like a fucking nuclear explosion. The message girls get is "love me because I can't love for myself." I want to use them all to fill the hole inside. And why would they want to be my plaything, my band-aid? They've got their own shit to deal with, what the fuck do they need me for?

God, no wonder they all find me repulsive. I'm simply not good enough for any woman. And when one of them lowers their standards, I scare them off.

You are putting two things together that don't belong together. You've got the self-awareness of your issues going on, which is great, but you're taking that and using it as another stick to hit yourself with.  Yes, you're right that being a band-aid is not an appealing offer. No, that doesn't mean you're not good enough for any woman. You know there is one message you're sending out that is likely to turn people off, but that doesn't mean that there aren't other things about you that are desirable and appealing. So, you need to find ways to tone down that message so people can see the rest of you.

It's all over, folks. The jerkbrain won. Evil wins. Hitler wins. I can't fight it anymore. I'm not strong enough to fight it. I give in. I give up.

It's okay. Take a break. You don't have to fight every moment. Just keep yourself safe and rest up, and take up the fight again when you're ready. You can do this.  

Nobody loves me. And there's no person on this planet stupid enough to love me. I have no impact or affect on any other human being. I'm just here. My parents don't love me. My family doesn't love me. They think they do, but they're forcing themselves to care. I am a useless cog at a useless low-paying job that could replace me with any old high schooler in a heartbeat. I'm thousands of dollars in debt at a school that will get me nowhere.

I mean, I can't even describe myself to someone anymore. I'm nothing but what I'm pretending to be. And even the act isn't enough, people still find me dull and useless. And who can blame them? Who can blame those on the forum that are about sick and fucking tired of my complaining? That's all I do now. Complain complain complain.

I wish someone could love me. I wish someone could be attracted to me. I wish I knew what that really felt like. No one has ever loved me in any context, and admittedly, I don't love anyone either. I just feel nothing. It's one big fat nothing. All I see is nothing nothing nothing. In these moments, when everything is at its worst, I just stop feeling. I stop caring. If the world ended tomorrow, I wouldn't care.

You know this is your jerkbrain talking, right? If you're not up to trying to fight it down right now, that's okay, but keep reminding yourself that it is lying to you.


And all you'll say is the opposite of everything I've just said, and you don't say it to be rude or condescending, you believe that you believe it, because you see the good in everything. You see good in me where there is none, because when there's no good you gotta subconsciously pretend.

Still no. Razz I don't see good in everything. I don't like everyone. You're better than you think you are.


Good fucking riddance and good bye. I can't take this shit anymore. I'm not strong enough.

Glides, you are doing such a great job, even if you can't see it or acknowledge it. You're feeling bad right now, that doesn't mean you've failed or that you're not strong enough. You can't just decide 'next year I'll be perfect' and not struggle anymore, there are going to be ups and downs, and that is okay. This is not a failure. You are not a failure.

When you can't keep fighting your jerkbrain, when it's too much to push your comfort zone, just keep yourself safe. That's the only thing you need to do. Everything else can wait until the storm passes. We'll still be here.
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Post by UristMcBunny on Mon Jan 19, 2015 2:20 pm

Okay, some really important things to keep in mind here. Enail has already said it really well, but I'm going to say it as well.

The first, and most important thing of all.

Stumbling, struggling or having a day when it all goes wrong is not failure. It does not mean you failed your resolution or your goals. This isn't an exam, or a quick-fire elimination style TV quiz. This is a process. And what it will look like isn't a straight upward curve of increasing success.

You will have days when you feel like you can do all of it. And you will have days when everything is too hard and things don't go as planned and when your mental health and energy levels and spoons are simply insufficient to the task of doing what you want to do. Success here is not determined by you never having a bad day again. It is determined by you accepting that the bad days will come, learning to see them as temporary states, and continuing to get back up each time you fall, falling less often and less severely over time.

If I'd treated my first relapse as evidence that I'd "failed" at trying to beat SI-addiction, I'd still be doing it daily now. That doesn't mean I never struggle, or feel the urge, or fall of the wagon. The same with my living situation. Deciding to get out of squalor didn't mean never being messy again. And sometimes we still backslide a bit. But that's okay. You're okay. You haven't failed, and you are not a failure for finding this hard.

Every bad moment is a learning opportunity - to identify your triggers and consider the effectiveness of new potential coping mechanisms. But not right this second, while you're in crisis mode. Later, when you've had time to recover from this moment, you can put yourself in a safe physical and mental space and look over the specifics of what happened and look for ways to learn from it. But for now, just do the best you can to be good to yourself.

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Post by Caffeinated on Mon Jan 19, 2015 2:54 pm

Aw, Glides, it sucks to hurt so much. I wish I could just give you a hug.
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The New Me Empty Re: The New Me

Post by nearly_takuan on Mon Jan 19, 2015 3:33 pm

Okay, so you backslid. You also feel bad about having backslid, and while that does not make up for anything or make it okay if you hurt people through that process, it does mean you are one conscience removed from being a Terrible Person. And the overall way you tend to handle these things tells me you're sufficiently introspective to figure out most of your own problems. In other words, the obstacle is not a lack of basic goodness or a lack of intelligence, but something that is unfortunately tied up in your emotional state. Good news is that's arguably more likely to ever be corrected than being a very stupid psychopath. Bad news is of course that it still isn't easy.

I have lately been writing down my worst thoughts on regular paper, as a way of weaning off a "whine anonymously online" habit. As Enail pointed out, writing out your thoughts can be helpful in the short run even if it isn't constructive, so you might try something like this too if you find you still need to rant sometimes but are starting to feel too embarrassed about doing it here.

Meanwhile, you can also try to turn "I am frustrated with this problem" statements into "how do I work around this problem" questions if you are still wanting to do something constructive. This can at times be a very tall order, so don't worry about it if harm reduction is the most you can try for a while. I'm just pitching ideas.
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Post by Guest on Mon Jan 19, 2015 3:39 pm

I know I said I wasn't going to respond, but I just had a thought, and the thought is scaring me a bit, and I need to address it because I'm honestly not sure what to do about the thought.

So I woke up, and I made myself promise I wouldn't go on here to read the responses, and I did anyway, and I thought about what people have said about me attempting to perform a role in society of someone who is much more macho than he actually is, and the obsession with having sex.

So suddenly another thought occurred to me, and it was random, and the question was "have you ever gotten an erection in response to a sexual stimulus?" and the answer was "once."

And then I decided to think about whether or not the idea of me receiving sexual acts was arousing. And the answer was "never." And normally I'd just attribute it to "oh it's because I'm ugly" and the usual jerkbrain talk. But this morning I was so tired that for once I didn't go there, and thought about it objectively.

Next question: "does the idea of watching people engage in sexual acts arouse you?" Still no.

And I just went through the mental list of every possible configuration and asked myself, and the answer was always no.

And then I suddenly changed the context of my question: "Have you ever been attracted to another human being?"

Yes.

And then a random one: "How many of them would you kiss on the mouth?"

Thinking seriously: maybe like three? And the kiss I was thinking of wasn't like a ravenous make-out kinda thing, it just looked kind of tender, and I've had that kind of kiss a couple times in my life, and I found that to be far more enjoyable than any sexual act I've ever been a part of.

I mean, I feel a breast, and it feels like breast. And I certainly don't have any problem with feeling a breast, you know, but it's not like "WHOA MAMA" stimulation or anything like that.

And the few times that I have kissed girls, it felt like mouth. In the best cases, it wasn't unpleasant or anything, kinda wet, but it felt like mouth. Like there was nothing else.

Next question: "out of those women, how many of them would you hold?"

Same answer, like three or so. I wouldn't really have an issue holding any of the others, but it would just be body. It would be flesh against flesh, and it would feel mildly nice, and that's it. I don't really have any response to it, sexually or otherwise.

And then one more question, and this is the one that freaked me out: "have you ever wanted to have sex with someone for a mutually pleasurable experience before?"

No.

Every time I've ever talked about sex, I've talked about it in terms of the social status it gives you. I want the high-fives, I want the girl to be in awe of my skill, it's basically held up as the one thing I have to do to prove that everyone who ever said I was ugly and stupid and that no one would want me was all wrong, that someone wanted me after all, and best of all, they had good judgment in wanting me.

Old song in my middle school: "nobody loves me, everybody hates me, what's my name? GLIDESSSSSSS"

My real name, mind you.

And my next question: "I'm not a heterosexual, am I?"

No.

"Am I gay?"

No.

"Am I bi?"

But I've only ever been sexually attracted to one guy in my entire life, and I don't think that's enough to qualify. And that guy looked unbelievably feminine. That's another story for another day.

"Am I a trannie?"

I mean, I identify as a man, even though there's feminine aspects to me. I enjoy men's clothing, I hate makeup. If I was a woman, I'd be a really butch woman.

"Am I asexual?"

Maybe I'm one of those? I'm definitely not aromantic since obviously I've been attracted to women before. I mean, the one time I had something close to actual sex, I didn't enjoy it one bit even though I was attracted to the person in question. Either she was terrible or maybe that's the way it is with everyone.

"Am I just repressing myself sexually, and have somehow repressed all sexual desire?"

I have no idea.

I just don't know, I keep searching for a label to put myself in and I don't really fit any of them.

I'm really fucking confused. And i honestly thought I was done with that middle school angsty crap.

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The New Me Empty Re: The New Me

Post by nearly_takuan on Mon Jan 19, 2015 4:06 pm

I mean. Why not? Join usss! Grin

There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity; at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so.

I mean, I'm still confused too. But so far almost everything I've seen in the AVEN community has been pretty supportive of anyone who feels like using the label. It gets hard to feel bad about potential appropriation when everyone around you is just saying, "nah, go ahead and try it out if it helps you explore your own identity."

Of course, regardless of what the best word for your identity ends up being (as if we ever get to know), you've brought up several much more concrete issues to work with. One is that you now recognize some of the more problematic ways you've been thinking about (and consequently treating) women and now have some new ideas about where those thoughts might be coming from. You might therefore find new ways of trying to change those attitudes, or have questions about that process.

Another is that, as you've known all along, your current friend group is what it is—for better or worse—and you've been projecting a certain self-image toward them. You will undoubtedly be anxious about the consequences of changing course now: what if the things you're learning about yourself aren't things they approve of? I think it is a fairly safe bet that some of your friends will surprise you, and others will...not. These, too, are problems you might constructively ask for advice on.
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Post by The Wisp on Mon Jan 19, 2015 4:34 pm

Hey Glides, I'm glad you're introspecting, I think that's a good thing. It's good that you can admit the confusion to yourself. It's brave.
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The New Me Empty Re: The New Me

Post by UristMcBunny on Mon Jan 19, 2015 5:14 pm

I know too little about asexuality to be able to offer advice re: determining whether the label, or others such as grey-a or demisexual, fit for you or not. But I would encourage you to try to be open to exploring any possibilities. There's no harm in a little bit of introspection, and there's nothing wrong with being uncertain and confused about these things. There's so much pressure around sex and sexuality it's no surprise many people do not come to a solid identity until later in life.

Hell, I'm 30 and my stance has, for a few years now, been to basically shrug, make non-committal hand-wavey motions and, when pushed, just say I'm queer and leave it at that.

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The New Me Empty Re: The New Me

Post by Enail on Mon Jan 19, 2015 6:02 pm

No one is ever done with angsty middle school crap. Razz

But I think it's good that you're thinking about it and giving yourself room for the answer to be different what you expected. Questioning is fine. Not knowing is fine. Knowing is fine, too, whatever you turn out to know about your sexuality, be it asexual or heterosexual-but-not-so-much-on-the-sex-part-right-now-maybe-later or non-committal hand-wavey motions.

If a label makes you feel more like you're "allowed" to want what you want right now, or if it makes you feel more a part of a community you have common ground with on sexuality, or if it gives you a useful shorthand for explaining complex things, or if it just feels like it fits, that's good. But a label is only good if it helps you, so don't pressure yourself to figure it out or define yourself immediately and permanently - let whatever label follow what you want, what works for you.

(BTW, I know you were talking about it in a "possible identity" way rather than meaning it as a slur, but "tranny" is a word that a lot of trans people find hurtful, so please be careful how you use it here.)
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Post by Gentleman Johnny on Mon Jan 19, 2015 9:42 pm

OK, so you're not talking suicide, Boggle still says it better than me.

The New Me Tumblr_mh841y4giX1rr4zq1o1_1280
The New Me Tumblr_mh841y4giX1rr4zq1o2_1280

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Post by Guest on Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:00 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:I mean. Why not? Join usss! Grin

There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity; at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so.

I mean, I'm still confused too. But so far almost everything I've seen in the AVEN community has been pretty supportive of anyone who feels like using the label. It gets hard to feel bad about potential appropriation when everyone around you is just saying, "nah, go ahead and try it out if it helps you explore your own identity."

The thing that got my attention is how asexuals are not bothered by their lack of sexual attraction, and I know it bothers me. The hell does that make me then? Werel says "demisexual," I dunno. I'm not interested in Tumblr labels, I just want to find whatever's wrong with me in the core and get rid of it for good.

Unfortunately, it might be the same thought process that leads people to try and "cure" gay people. It might be one of those things I can't change, and then I'm stuck like whatever I am forever. All I know for sure is that something is wrong with me sexually.

Of course, regardless of what the best word for your identity ends up being (as if we ever get to know), you've brought up several much more concrete issues to work with. One is that you now recognize some of the more problematic ways you've been thinking about (and consequently treating) women and now have some new ideas about where those thoughts might be coming from. You might therefore find new ways of trying to change those attitudes, or have questions about that process.

Another is that, as you've known all along, your current friend group is what it is—for better or worse—and you've been projecting a certain self-image toward them. You will undoubtedly be anxious about the consequences of changing course now: what if the things you're learning about yourself aren't things they approve of? I think it is a fairly safe bet that some of your friends will surprise you, and others will...not. These, too, are problems you might constructively ask for advice on.

I mean, is asexuality/whatever the fuck I am something you "come out of the closet" about? Do I really need to? No, I'm not a macho macho redblooded beer guzzling American southern man, who's always ready for a roll in the hay and uses pure animal force to get what he wants. I've been trying to be that guy for years and it's not me. I'm doing a lot to be the person people will like, since the real guy isn't what they want. The real guy is a fucking shy little nerd, who pretends that he doesn't have a perfect memory of the filmographies of his favorite directors, the US presidents (accidentally revealing my knowledge of the presidents is why I'm so unpopular at work) and the first 150 Pokemon. It's not a brag unless it gets your beak wet. If it's not athletic or musical, people will give no fucks here. He's horrible at any competitive video game, doesn't watch a lot of TV shows...see what I mean?

Actually, what's making me angriest is that everyone else is allowed to be as shitty and terrible as they want and have everything work out for them (hyperbole) and I have to work my ass off to be "allowed" to be a normal person. It's how I feel, like only I have to run the marathon. I feel incredibly isolated and inferior to every other person I know (including you guys). And I said I feel that horrible, so yay "progress." Either way, I'd like this to be the most constructive rant I've ever had.

Enail wrote:No one is ever done with angsty middle school crap. Razz  

But I think it's good that you're thinking about it and giving yourself room for the answer to be different what you expected. Questioning is fine. Not knowing is fine. Knowing is fine, too, whatever you turn out to know about your sexuality, be it asexual or heterosexual-but-not-so-much-on-the-sex-part-right-now-maybe-later or non-committal hand-wavey motions.

If a label makes you feel more like you're "allowed" to want what you want right now, or if it makes you feel more a part of a community you have common ground with on sexuality, or if it gives you a useful shorthand for explaining complex things, or if it just feels like it fits, that's good. But a label is only good if it helps you, so don't pressure yourself to figure it out or define yourself immediately and permanently - let whatever label follow what you want, what works for you.

(BTW, I know you were talking about it in a "possible identity" way rather than meaning it as a slur, but "tranny" is a word that a lot of trans people find hurtful, so please be careful how you use it here.)

I mean, I just want to have a label because unless you're bisexual, having a smaller label tends to make shit far more difficult to work out. I mean, I'm already horrendously bad with women (which people still assume can be easily fixed, and just get confused whenever I mess up a cold approach. I never make good first impressions on anyone I meet), the last thing I need is a fucked up libido or whatever is up with me to just make things worse. I mean, I'm really fucking lonely, alright? I'm bitter and burned out and I'm about to be twenty. I actually don't know anyone else my age as secretly nihilistic as me. After breakups, I've heard people say "it's OK, there's always another girl." For them, maybe. For them. Me, I'm finding out that I'm a little too good at killing any attraction for myself that might already exist. I let the Real Glides, the Doormat out, and they run.

I don't know how to flirt, I don't know how to approach, nothing the Doc recommends works for me. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Just approach her! OK, Doc.

"Hi."

*immediately turns and runs off*

I can't even enjoy the hypothetical idea of dating since the idea of me in a romantic context leads to what you already know as me fucking everything up. I panic so much over the pressure of having to sexually satisfy someone that I guarantee that they'll never want me again.

"So you want to kill yourself because you're incapable of having anything work out for you romantically?"

Well, that's the main reason. But then I'll just have people saying that it's not a big deal. I'm just not compatible with people. In general. In any context. I don't fit.

My life is one giant Catch 22, Enail.

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Post by Enail on Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:47 pm

Glides wrote:
The thing that got my attention is how asexuals are not bothered by their lack of sexual attraction, and I know it bothers me. The hell does that make me then? Werel says "demisexual," I dunno. I'm not interested in Tumblr labels, I just want to find whatever's wrong with me in the core and get rid of it for good.

Unfortunately, it might be the same thought process that leads people to try and "cure" gay people. It might be one of those things I can't change, and then I'm stuck like whatever I am forever. All I know for sure is that something is wrong with me sexually.

I am not an expert, so hopefully someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I'd imagine some asexual people do feel like something's wrong with them because it doesn't match what society is telling them they're supposed to be like, the same way that you could say gay people aren't tormented by being attracted to people of the same sex - but someone gay who's een told it's wrong to be gay might be troubled by it anyway.

Maybe there's something going on with you that's "wrong" in the sense of not healthy (physically or emotionally) or distressing to you, something that you'll want to work on sorting out. Or maybe there's nothing wrong with you other than believing there's something wrong with you for not feeling (or not feeling much or feeling but not wanting to act on) sexual attraction. Maybe there's something to sort out and you're asexual/demisexual/something else. Those are different things. You don't have to be sexual to be okay.


I mean, is asexuality/whatever the fuck I am something you "come out of the closet" about? Do I really need to? No, I'm not a macho macho redblooded beer guzzling American southern man, who's always ready for a roll in the hay and uses pure animal force to get what he wants. I've been trying to be that guy for years and it's not me. I'm doing a lot to be the person people will like, since the real guy isn't what they want. The real guy is a fucking shy little nerd, who pretends that he doesn't have a perfect memory of the filmographies of his favorite directors, the US presidents (accidentally revealing my knowledge of the presidents is why I'm so unpopular at work) and the first 150 Pokemon. It's not a brag unless it gets your beak wet. If it's not athletic or musical, people will give no fucks here. He's horrible at any competitive video game, doesn't watch a lot of TV shows...see what I mean?

Where you are now is not where you have to be always. There are places, or at least places within places, where shy little nerds who've memorized filmographies and US presidents and Pokemon are people people might like. There are also places, or places within places, where not being always ready for a roll in the hay is considered a perfectly fine way to be. But you don't have to come out as anything you don't want to - you don't even have to identify as anything you don't want to.


Actually, what's making me angriest is that everyone else is allowed to be as shitty and terrible as they want and have everything work out for them (hyperbole) and I have to work my ass off to be "allowed" to be a normal person. It's how I feel, like only I have to run the marathon. I feel incredibly isolated and inferior to every other person I know (including you guys). And I said I feel that horrible, so yay "progress." Either way, I'd like this to be the most constructive rant I've ever had.

Yay progress! Razz  I do mean it unironically, and would like to add to your recognition that feeling inferior doesn't mean you are inferior by saying: you are not inferior. Sorry you feel so isolated, though.


I mean, I just want to have a label because unless you're bisexual, having a smaller label tends to make shit far more difficult to work out. I mean, I'm already horrendously bad with women (which people still assume can be easily fixed, and just get confused whenever I mess up a cold approach. I never make good first impressions on anyone I meet), the last thing I need is a fucked up libido or whatever is up with me to just make things worse. I mean, I'm really fucking lonely, alright? I'm bitter and burned out and I'm about to be twenty. I actually don't know anyone else my age as secretly nihilistic as me. After breakups, I've heard people say "it's OK, there's always another girl." For them, maybe. For them. Me, I'm finding out that I'm a little too good at killing any attraction for myself that might already exist. I let the Real Glides, the Doormat out, and they run.

Yeah, a smaller label can make things more difficult in a lot of ways (even for bisexual people - they might have a larger pool of people to potentially be attracted to, but there are other ways a label can be difficult). But sometimes it can make things easier too. For me, it made things a lot easier when I picked up the label "gay," (even though there are things it made harder too) because it meant that I wasn't just really bad at being straight (I am really bad at being straight, though Razz), which made it easier to start sorting out what I did want romantically and sexually, and figuring out how to go about it. I wasn't getting tangled up by trying to figure out how do I hetero?  

You talk a lot about sabotaging it when people are attracted to you; it's not unreasonable to think that some of that might be because there are aspects of that attraction that you don't want, or aren't sure you want, or don't want right now.  Knowing what you do want and giving yourself permission to not want what you don't want, might take away some of that need to sabotage the stuff you do want.

"So you want to kill yourself because you're incapable of having anything work out for you romantically?"

Well, that's the main reason. But then I'll just have people saying that it's not a big deal. I'm just not compatible with people. In general. In any context. I don't fit.

My life is one giant Catch 22, Enail.

You're in an area where the dominant culture doesn't suit you. Something you want desperately is tangled up with some things you're not sure you want at all, and plus you have strong feelings about the whole idea of wanting or not wanting them. Those are two things that make it really hard to find a good fit, to find people you're compatible with and connect with them in ways that feel right for you. They are both things that you can change in time.
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