Re: The New Me

[Caffeinated]

Aw, Glides, it sucks to hurt so much. I wish I could just give you a hug.

[nearly_takuan]

Okay, so you backslid. You also feel bad about having backslid, and while that does not make up for anything or make it okay if you hurt people through that process, it does mean you are one conscience removed from being a Terrible Person. And the overall way you tend to handle these things tells me you're sufficiently introspective to figure out most of your own problems. In other words, the obstacle is not a lack of basic goodness or a lack of intelligence, but something that is unfortunately tied up in your emotional state. Good news is that's arguably more likely to ever be corrected than being a very stupid psychopath. Bad news is of course that it still isn't easy.

I have lately been writing down my worst thoughts on regular paper, as a way of weaning off a "whine anonymously online" habit. As Enail pointed out, writing out your thoughts can be helpful in the short run even if it isn't constructive, so you might try something like this too if you find you still need to rant sometimes but are starting to feel too embarrassed about doing it here.

Meanwhile, you can also try to turn "I am frustrated with this problem" statements into "how do I work around this problem" questions if you are still wanting to do something constructive. This can at times be a very tall order, so don't worry about it if harm reduction is the most you can try for a while. I'm just pitching ideas.

[Guest]

I know I said I wasn't going to respond, but I just had a thought, and the thought is scaring me a bit, and I need to address it because I'm honestly not sure what to do about the thought.

So I woke up, and I made myself promise I wouldn't go on here to read the responses, and I did anyway, and I thought about what people have said about me attempting to perform a role in society of someone who is much more macho than he actually is, and the obsession with having sex.

So suddenly another thought occurred to me, and it was random, and the question was "have you ever gotten an erection in response to a sexual stimulus?" and the answer was "once."

And then I decided to think about whether or not the idea of me receiving sexual acts was arousing. And the answer was "never." And normally I'd just attribute it to "oh it's because I'm ugly" and the usual jerkbrain talk. But this morning I was so tired that for once I didn't go there, and thought about it objectively.

Next question: "does the idea of watching people engage in sexual acts arouse you?" Still no.

And I just went through the mental list of every possible configuration and asked myself, and the answer was always no.

And then I suddenly changed the context of my question: "Have you ever been attracted to another human being?"

Yes.

And then a random one: "How many of them would you kiss on the mouth?"

Thinking seriously: maybe like three? And the kiss I was thinking of wasn't like a ravenous make-out kinda thing, it just looked kind of tender, and I've had that kind of kiss a couple times in my life, and I found that to be far more enjoyable than any sexual act I've ever been a part of.

I mean, I feel a breast, and it feels like breast. And I certainly don't have any problem with feeling a breast, you know, but it's not like "WHOA MAMA" stimulation or anything like that.

And the few times that I have kissed girls, it felt like mouth. In the best cases, it wasn't unpleasant or anything, kinda wet, but it felt like mouth. Like there was nothing else.

Next question: "out of those women, how many of them would you hold?"

Same answer, like three or so. I wouldn't really have an issue holding any of the others, but it would just be body. It would be flesh against flesh, and it would feel mildly nice, and that's it. I don't really have any response to it, sexually or otherwise.

And then one more question, and this is the one that freaked me out: "have you ever wanted to have sex with someone for a mutually pleasurable experience before?"

No.

Every time I've ever talked about sex, I've talked about it in terms of the social status it gives you. I want the high-fives, I want the girl to be in awe of my skill, it's basically held up as the one thing I have to do to prove that everyone who ever said I was ugly and stupid and that no one would want me was all wrong, that someone wanted me after all, and best of all, they had good judgment in wanting me.

Old song in my middle school: "nobody loves me, everybody hates me, what's my name? GLIDESSSSSSS"

My real name, mind you.

And my next question: "I'm not a heterosexual, am I?"

No.

"Am I gay?"

No.

"Am I bi?"

But I've only ever been sexually attracted to one guy in my entire life, and I don't think that's enough to qualify. And that guy looked unbelievably feminine. That's another story for another day.

"Am I a trannie?"

I mean, I identify as a man, even though there's feminine aspects to me. I enjoy men's clothing, I hate makeup. If I was a woman, I'd be a really butch woman.

"Am I asexual?"

Maybe I'm one of those? I'm definitely not aromantic since obviously I've been attracted to women before. I mean, the one time I had something close to actual sex, I didn't enjoy it one bit even though I was attracted to the person in question. Either she was terrible or maybe that's the way it is with everyone.

"Am I just repressing myself sexually, and have somehow repressed all sexual desire?"

I have no idea.

I just don't know, I keep searching for a label to put myself in and I don't really fit any of them.

I'm really fucking confused. And i honestly thought I was done with that middle school angsty crap.

[nearly_takuan]

I mean. Why not? Join usss!

There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity; at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so.

I mean, I'm still confused too. But so far almost everything I've seen in the AVEN community has been pretty supportive of anyone who feels like using the label. It gets hard to feel bad about potential appropriation when everyone around you is just saying, "nah, go ahead and try it out if it helps you explore your own identity."

Of course, regardless of what the best word for your identity ends up being (as if we ever get to know), you've brought up several much more concrete issues to work with. One is that you now recognize some of the more problematic ways you've been thinking about (and consequently treating) women and now have some new ideas about where those thoughts might be coming from. You might therefore find new ways of trying to change those attitudes, or have questions about that process.

Another is that, as you've known all along, your current friend group is what it is—for better or worse—and you've been projecting a certain self-image toward them. You will undoubtedly be anxious about the consequences of changing course now: what if the things you're learning about yourself aren't things they approve of? I think it is a fairly safe bet that some of your friends will surprise you, and others will...not. These, too, are problems you might constructively ask for advice on.

[The Wisp]

Hey Glides, I'm glad you're introspecting, I think that's a good thing. It's good that you can admit the confusion to yourself. It's brave.

[UristMcBunny]

I know too little about asexuality to be able to offer advice re: determining whether the label, or others such as grey-a or demisexual, fit for you or not. But I would encourage you to try to be open to exploring any possibilities. There's no harm in a little bit of introspection, and there's nothing wrong with being uncertain and confused about these things. There's so much pressure around sex and sexuality it's no surprise many people do not come to a solid identity until later in life.

Hell, I'm 30 and my stance has, for a few years now, been to basically shrug, make non-committal hand-wavey motions and, when pushed, just say I'm queer and leave it at that.

[Enail]

No one is ever done with angsty middle school crap.

But I think it's good that you're thinking about it and giving yourself room for the answer to be different what you expected. Questioning is fine. Not knowing is fine. Knowing is fine, too, whatever you turn out to know about your sexuality, be it asexual or heterosexual-but-not-so-much-on-the-sex-part-right-now-maybe-later or non-committal hand-wavey motions.

If a label makes you feel more like you're "allowed" to want what you want right now, or if it makes you feel more a part of a community you have common ground with on sexuality, or if it gives you a useful shorthand for explaining complex things, or if it just feels like it fits, that's good. But a label is only good if it helps you, so don't pressure yourself to figure it out or define yourself immediately and permanently - let whatever label follow what you want, what works for you.

(BTW, I know you were talking about it in a "possible identity" way rather than meaning it as a slur, but "tranny" is a word that a lot of trans people find hurtful, so please be careful how you use it here.)

[Gentleman Johnny]

OK, so you're not talking suicide, Boggle still says it better than me.

[Guest]

I mean. Why not? Join usss!

There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity; at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so.

I mean, I'm still confused too. But so far almost everything I've seen in the AVEN community has been pretty supportive of anyone who feels like using the label. It gets hard to feel bad about potential appropriation when everyone around you is just saying, "nah, go ahead and try it out if it helps you explore your own identity."

The thing that got my attention is how asexuals are not bothered by their lack of sexual attraction, and I know it bothers me. The hell does that make me then? Werel says "demisexual," I dunno. I'm not interested in Tumblr labels, I just want to find whatever's wrong with me in the core and get rid of it for good.

Unfortunately, it might be the same thought process that leads people to try and "cure" gay people. It might be one of those things I can't change, and then I'm stuck like whatever I am forever. All I know for sure is that something is wrong with me sexually.

Of course, regardless of what the best word for your identity ends up being (as if we ever get to know), you've brought up several much more concrete issues to work with. One is that you now recognize some of the more problematic ways you've been thinking about (and consequently treating) women and now have some new ideas about where those thoughts might be coming from. You might therefore find new ways of trying to change those attitudes, or have questions about that process.

Another is that, as you've known all along, your current friend group is what it is—for better or worse—and you've been projecting a certain self-image toward them. You will undoubtedly be anxious about the consequences of changing course now: what if the things you're learning about yourself aren't things they approve of? I think it is a fairly safe bet that some of your friends will surprise you, and others will...not. These, too, are problems you might constructively ask for advice on.

I mean, is asexuality/whatever the fuck I am something you "come out of the closet" about? Do I really need to? No, I'm not a macho macho redblooded beer guzzling American southern man, who's always ready for a roll in the hay and uses pure animal force to get what he wants. I've been trying to be that guy for years and it's not me. I'm doing a lot to be the person people will like, since the real guy isn't what they want. The real guy is a fucking shy little nerd, who pretends that he doesn't have a perfect memory of the filmographies of his favorite directors, the US presidents (accidentally revealing my knowledge of the presidents is why I'm so unpopular at work) and the first 150 Pokemon. It's not a brag unless it gets your beak wet. If it's not athletic or musical, people will give no fucks here. He's horrible at any competitive video game, doesn't watch a lot of TV shows...see what I mean?

Actually, what's making me angriest is that everyone else is allowed to be as shitty and terrible as they want and have everything work out for them (hyperbole) and I have to work my ass off to be "allowed" to be a normal person. It's how I feel, like only I have to run the marathon. I feel incredibly isolated and inferior to every other person I know (including you guys). And I said I feel that horrible, so yay "progress." Either way, I'd like this to be the most constructive rant I've ever had.

No one is ever done with angsty middle school crap.  

But I think it's good that you're thinking about it and giving yourself room for the answer to be different what you expected. Questioning is fine. Not knowing is fine. Knowing is fine, too, whatever you turn out to know about your sexuality, be it asexual or heterosexual-but-not-so-much-on-the-sex-part-right-now-maybe-later or non-committal hand-wavey motions.

If a label makes you feel more like you're "allowed" to want what you want right now, or if it makes you feel more a part of a community you have common ground with on sexuality, or if it gives you a useful shorthand for explaining complex things, or if it just feels like it fits, that's good. But a label is only good if it helps you, so don't pressure yourself to figure it out or define yourself immediately and permanently - let whatever label follow what you want, what works for you.

(BTW, I know you were talking about it in a "possible identity" way rather than meaning it as a slur, but "tranny" is a word that a lot of trans people find hurtful, so please be careful how you use it here.)

I mean, I just want to have a label because unless you're bisexual, having a smaller label tends to make shit far more difficult to work out. I mean, I'm already horrendously bad with women (which people still assume can be easily fixed, and just get confused whenever I mess up a cold approach. I never make good first impressions on anyone I meet), the last thing I need is a fucked up libido or whatever is up with me to just make things worse. I mean, I'm really fucking lonely, alright? I'm bitter and burned out and I'm about to be twenty. I actually don't know anyone else my age as secretly nihilistic as me. After breakups, I've heard people say "it's OK, there's always another girl." For them, maybe. For them. Me, I'm finding out that I'm a little too good at killing any attraction for myself that might already exist. I let the Real Glides, the Doormat out, and they run.

I don't know how to flirt, I don't know how to approach, nothing the Doc recommends works for me. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Just approach her! OK, Doc.

"Hi."

*immediately turns and runs off*

I can't even enjoy the hypothetical idea of dating since the idea of me in a romantic context leads to what you already know as me fucking everything up. I panic so much over the pressure of having to sexually satisfy someone that I guarantee that they'll never want me again.

"So you want to kill yourself because you're incapable of having anything work out for you romantically?"

Well, that's the main reason. But then I'll just have people saying that it's not a big deal. I'm just not compatible with people. In general. In any context. I don't fit.

My life is one giant Catch 22, Enail.

[Enail]

The thing that got my attention is how asexuals are not bothered by their lack of sexual attraction, and I know it bothers me. The hell does that make me then? Werel says "demisexual," I dunno. I'm not interested in Tumblr labels, I just want to find whatever's wrong with me in the core and get rid of it for good.

Unfortunately, it might be the same thought process that leads people to try and "cure" gay people. It might be one of those things I can't change, and then I'm stuck like whatever I am forever. All I know for sure is that something is wrong with me sexually.

I am not an expert, so hopefully someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I'd imagine some asexual people do feel like something's wrong with them because it doesn't match what society is telling them they're supposed to be like, the same way that you could say gay people aren't tormented by being attracted to people of the same sex - but someone gay who's een told it's wrong to be gay might be troubled by it anyway.

Maybe there's something going on with you that's "wrong" in the sense of not healthy (physically or emotionally) or distressing to you, something that you'll want to work on sorting out. Or maybe there's nothing wrong with you other than believing there's something wrong with you for not feeling (or not feeling much or feeling but not wanting to act on) sexual attraction. Maybe there's something to sort out and you're asexual/demisexual/something else. Those are different things. You don't have to be sexual to be okay.

I mean, is asexuality/whatever the fuck I am something you "come out of the closet" about? Do I really need to? No, I'm not a macho macho redblooded beer guzzling American southern man, who's always ready for a roll in the hay and uses pure animal force to get what he wants. I've been trying to be that guy for years and it's not me. I'm doing a lot to be the person people will like, since the real guy isn't what they want. The real guy is a fucking shy little nerd, who pretends that he doesn't have a perfect memory of the filmographies of his favorite directors, the US presidents (accidentally revealing my knowledge of the presidents is why I'm so unpopular at work) and the first 150 Pokemon. It's not a brag unless it gets your beak wet. If it's not athletic or musical, people will give no fucks here. He's horrible at any competitive video game, doesn't watch a lot of TV shows...see what I mean?

Where you are now is not where you have to be always. There are places, or at least places within places, where shy little nerds who've memorized filmographies and US presidents and Pokemon are people people might like. There are also places, or places within places, where not being always ready for a roll in the hay is considered a perfectly fine way to be. But you don't have to come out as anything you don't want to - you don't even have to identify as anything you don't want to.

Actually, what's making me angriest is that everyone else is allowed to be as shitty and terrible as they want and have everything work out for them (hyperbole) and I have to work my ass off to be "allowed" to be a normal person. It's how I feel, like only I have to run the marathon. I feel incredibly isolated and inferior to every other person I know (including you guys). And I said I feel that horrible, so yay "progress." Either way, I'd like this to be the most constructive rant I've ever had.

Yay progress!  I do mean it unironically, and would like to add to your recognition that feeling inferior doesn't mean you are inferior by saying: you are not inferior. Sorry you feel so isolated, though.

I mean, I just want to have a label because unless you're bisexual, having a smaller label tends to make shit far more difficult to work out. I mean, I'm already horrendously bad with women (which people still assume can be easily fixed, and just get confused whenever I mess up a cold approach. I never make good first impressions on anyone I meet), the last thing I need is a fucked up libido or whatever is up with me to just make things worse. I mean, I'm really fucking lonely, alright? I'm bitter and burned out and I'm about to be twenty. I actually don't know anyone else my age as secretly nihilistic as me. After breakups, I've heard people say "it's OK, there's always another girl." For them, maybe. For them. Me, I'm finding out that I'm a little too good at killing any attraction for myself that might already exist. I let the Real Glides, the Doormat out, and they run.

Yeah, a smaller label can make things more difficult in a lot of ways (even for bisexual people - they might have a larger pool of people to potentially be attracted to, but there are other ways a label can be difficult). But sometimes it can make things easier too. For me, it made things a lot easier when I picked up the label "gay," (even though there are things it made harder too) because it meant that I wasn't just really bad at being straight (I am really bad at being straight, though ), which made it easier to start sorting out what I did want romantically and sexually, and figuring out how to go about it. I wasn't getting tangled up by trying to figure out how do I hetero?  

You talk a lot about sabotaging it when people are attracted to you; it's not unreasonable to think that some of that might be because there are aspects of that attraction that you don't want, or aren't sure you want, or don't want right now.  Knowing what you do want and giving yourself permission to not want what you don't want, might take away some of that need to sabotage the stuff you do want.

"So you want to kill yourself because you're incapable of having anything work out for you romantically?"

Well, that's the main reason. But then I'll just have people saying that it's not a big deal. I'm just not compatible with people. In general. In any context. I don't fit.

My life is one giant Catch 22, Enail.

You're in an area where the dominant culture doesn't suit you. Something you want desperately is tangled up with some things you're not sure you want at all, and plus you have strong feelings about the whole idea of wanting or not wanting them. Those are two things that make it really hard to find a good fit, to find people you're compatible with and connect with them in ways that feel right for you. They are both things that you can change in time.

[nearly_takuan]

The thing that got my attention is how asexuals are not bothered by their lack of sexual attraction, and I know it bothers me. The hell does that make me then? Werel says "demisexual," I dunno. I'm not interested in Tumblr labels, I just want to find whatever's wrong with me in the core and get rid of it for good.

Unfortunately, it might be the same thought process that leads people to try and "cure" gay people. It might be one of those things I can't change, and then I'm stuck like whatever I am forever. All I know for sure is that something is wrong with me sexually.

Well I mean...since you've been reading at least some of what I've been writing, I assume you're aware I have some of those same thoughts.

I am not an expert, so hopefully someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I'd imagine some asexual people do feel like something's wrong with them because it doesn't match what society is telling them they're supposed to be like, the same way that you could say gay people aren't tormented by being attracted to people of the same sex - but someone gay who's been told it's wrong to be gay might be troubled by it anyway.

Maybe there's something going on with you that's "wrong" in the sense of not healthy (physically or emotionally) or distressing to you, something that you'll want to work on sorting out. Or maybe there's nothing wrong with you other than believing there's something wrong with you for not feeling (or not feeling much or feeling but not wanting to act on) sexual attraction. Maybe there's something to sort out and you're asexual/demisexual/something else. Those are different things. You don't have to be sexual to be okay.

And this. This all sounds completely accurate to me.

But I think before we get too far into talking about what sexual identities you might or might not identify with, it might serve you best to work with what you know for sure, because there's plenty of work to do there already.

I mean, is asexuality/whatever the fuck I am something you "come out of the closet" about? Do I really need to? No, I'm not a macho macho redblooded beer guzzling American southern man, who's always ready for a roll in the hay and uses pure animal force to get what he wants. I've been trying to be that guy for years and it's not me. I'm doing a lot to be the person people will like, since the real guy isn't what they want. The real guy is a fucking shy little nerd, who pretends that he doesn't have a perfect memory of the filmographies of his favorite directors, the US presidents (accidentally revealing my knowledge of the presidents is why I'm so unpopular at work) and the first 150 Pokemon. It's not a brag unless it gets your beak wet. If it's not athletic or musical, people will give no fucks here. He's horrible at any competitive video game, doesn't watch a lot of TV shows...see what I mean?

I agree, That Guy is not you. But for years, the guy who thinks it's a good idea to try to pretend to be That Guy certainly was you. That alone is going to be a difficult habit to shake—even though I infer from what you've said here so far that you want to.

I mean, sure, the Real Glides isn't a macho beer-guzzlin' womanizin' piece of trash. But it is going to be important that you confront the part where the Real Glides did think it was a good idea to make Fake Glides look like that. And if you decide it's worth fighting that part of yourself, changing your behavior and self-presentation and allowing the rest of the world to consistently see what you call Real Glides...there's no part of that proposition that doesn't sound scary.

And it should. Because that's when you're going to start finding out how many people knew all along you were this sensitive and smart and compassionate individual and were just waiting for that side of you to show, and how many were only hanging out because they thought you were a Bro, and how many don't even give a shit and just like you no matter which you is the "real" one. (No value judgment intended for any of those categories, by the way, though you are of course allowed to make your own.)

But the alternative—continuing to hide behind your own assumptions of what the people around you value, growing closer to people who confirm that bias while alienating those who might have been receptive to the values you actually hold—has clearly been making you miserable already. Does it matter what's outside the frying pan when you're already burning up?

Some day you might be able to move to a new city, get a mostly-fresh start with mostly-fresh people, find a culture that better fits your own outlook. It sounds like that day might not come any time too soon, and that sucks, but if it helps to have something like that to look forward to, then let that be something that helps.

---

ETA: If you do end up finding that the label "asexual" resonates with you, or at least with what you want out of a relationship, there are ways knowing that can help you. The first that springs to mind is simply wearing a black ring on your right middle finger: it is just obscure enough that anyone who knows what it means is likely to be sympathetic just from the way they would have learned it, so it's a nice way of sharply limiting the range of people you "out" yourself to. The second is that you might be able to find a nearby meetup or two to find new friends. (However, between not wanting to fuck up on first impressions within a very small community and constantly finding myself between iffy financial situations, I've been holding off on that for a while myself and think it would be reasonable if you decided to do the same.)

[Caffeinated]

No, I'm not a macho macho redblooded beer guzzling American southern man, who's always ready for a roll in the hay and uses pure animal force to get what he wants. I've been trying to be that guy for years and it's not me. I'm doing a lot to be the person people will like, since the real guy isn't what they want. The real guy is a fucking shy little nerd, who pretends that he doesn't have a perfect memory of the filmographies of his favorite directors, the US presidents (accidentally revealing my knowledge of the presidents is why I'm so unpopular at work) and the first 150 Pokemon. It's not a brag unless it gets your beak wet. If it's not athletic or musical, people will give no fucks here. He's horrible at any competitive video game, doesn't watch a lot of TV shows...see what I mean?

Actually, what's making me angriest is that everyone else is allowed to be as shitty and terrible as they want and have everything work out for them (hyperbole) and I have to work my ass off to be "allowed" to be a normal person. It's how I feel, like only I have to run the marathon. I feel incredibly isolated ...

I'm just not compatible with people. In general. In any context. I don't fit.

Unless I'm misreading, it sounds like you live in a region of the country, the American South, that I am afraid even to visit because I know what a total misfit I'd be. And you live there. No wonder you feel alone and isolated and like you don't fit. If the local culture is a total mismatch for who you are, it would be strange not to feel that way. But you know, not every place is the same. I think you would be surprised how different you might feel in different surroundings, among people with different values and outlooks than the ones you're surrounded by now.

Another thought crossed my mind reading what you wrote about asexuality and not feeling attracted to the images you expect you should. Maybe you're one of those people who requires a strong romantic or emotional connection with someone in order to feel sexual about them. That's not an unusual way to feel attraction, even if it is unusual to talk about it among certain crowds. I mean, maybe that doesn't describe you at all, I don't know, but I do know that men get bombarded with messages about how they're supposed to feel attraction, as though there was only one way to be instead of many ways.

[The Wisp]

Hey Glides, I'm just going to throw this out here as a thought that you may not have considered: you don't have to socialize with the people you're around.

You don't. You seem to have friends and a social life, and yet you seem to hate being around them and hate the mask you have to put on to be around them. You hate the pressure they put on you to be tough, to hide your geekery, to get laid, etc.

You don't actually have to interact with these people. You don't need their approval. If you work with them, or go to school with them, it's okay to keep interactions to basic small talk and school/work talk. If you don't, it's okay to just ignore invitations to hang out or even block them on social media.

If you feel ashamed being the nerdy shy Glides around them, maybe stop hanging out with them and practice being the real Glides on your own. Maybe the first step for you is getting away from social pressures and learning to accept yourself when you're alone.

[Gentleman Johnny]

The thing that got my attention is how asexuals are not bothered by their lack of sexual attraction, and I know it bothers me. The hell does that make me then? Werel says "demisexual," I dunno. I'm not interested in Tumblr labels, I just want to find whatever's wrong with me in the core and get rid of it for good.

OK, so let's kind of take it from the top here. You don't have a particular biological/hormonal/psychological "must have sex with that person" kind of drive. So forget Tumblr labels for a minute. If the whole world was going to support you and be all "that Glides is such a giant bad ass for being himself. I wish I could be that cool", in other words if you didn't have to worry about the approval of others at all, how would you want to feel? Is it the very pressure to be Macho Man Randy Glides that's pushing you away from an interest in sexuality or is it just not something that ever tripped your trigger?

I mean, is asexuality/whatever the fuck I am something you "come out of the closet" about? Do I really need to? No, I'm not a macho macho redblooded beer guzzling American southern man, who's always ready for a roll in the hay and uses pure animal force to get what he wants. I've been trying to be that guy for years and it's not me. I'm doing a lot to be the person people will like, since the real guy isn't what they want. The real guy is a fucking shy little nerd, who pretends that he doesn't have a perfect memory of the filmographies of his favorite directors, the US presidents (accidentally revealing my knowledge of the presidents is why I'm so unpopular at work) and the first 150 Pokemon. It's not a brag unless it gets your beak wet. If it's not athletic or musical, people will give no fucks here. He's horrible at any competitive video game, doesn't watch a lot of TV shows...see what I mean?

Perfect memory for things hat matter, history nerd, a little shy, that's got plenty of potential for people who like you for you. . .although clearly not the people you're currently hanging out with and possibly not many people at all where you live. Have you tried meetup.com etc to find people who are more your natural crowd? I grew up in the south, so I know sometimes they can be very rare on the ground but thanks to The Internet, its a lot easier for the few in any particular area to find each other now.

Actually, what's making me angriest is that everyone else is allowed to be as shitty and terrible as they want and have everything work out for them (hyperbole) and I have to work my ass off to be "allowed" to be a normal person. It's how I feel, like only I have to run the marathon. I feel incredibly isolated and inferior to every other person I know (including you guys). And I said I feel that horrible, so yay "progress." Either way, I'd like this to be the most constructive rant I've ever had.

Personally this is why I don't hang out with many "normal" people. I don't have a new car or go to the gym three nights a week, or have fitness goals or really stylish furniture. I hate networking as an activity of its own. Now don't get me wrong, the amount that I do deal with people of all types is a lot of work to me. Right now I need to dedicate at least one evening a week of locking myself in my room and avoiding human contact to recharge. It'll get worse once event season kicks back in. The thing is, those interactions are worth the effort to me. If yous aren't, its ok to cut them back or out.


The over all point here is you got to take care of you first. Whether its getting more alone time, therapy, a prescription or just finding something in life that's worth getting up in the morning for, make yourself your first priority. Once you're feeling a little more stable and capable of facing the world, then you'll be in a better place to work all of this other stuff out. I've been there before, man. I was very very lucky to catch a particular break the most recent time but caring about my life enough to keep it going was a challenge for most of my adult life. Its taken me a long time to get to the way you feel being he exception rather than the rule for me but it can be done and I promise its worth it.

[Guest]

You're in an area where the dominant culture doesn't suit you. Something you want desperately is tangled up with some things you're not sure you want at all, and plus you have strong feelings about the whole idea of wanting or not wanting them. Those are two things that make it really hard to find a good fit, to find people you're compatible with and connect with them in ways that feel right for you. They are both things that you can change in time.

I'll put this in the most blunt way possible: southern sexual politics is basically about overpowering the girl. Sex is not a mutually pleasurable experience, it is a scorecard for personal worth. Whether or not you enjoyed it is irrelevant, it's about how hot a girl you banged. If she wasn't hot, you better be drunk, otherwise you're no better than a faggot. Like a girl who is overweight? You're a chubby chaser or you're too chickenshit to talk to "real women."

And the exact same thing happens in reverse with girls. My fears about having a small dick started when I'd overhear women collectively shaming a guy for having a small dick. Other things that men are shamed for: not being dominant, not being aggressive, not taking charge in bed, not having sex in X amount of time.

It's a mutually toxic culture, and a culture that most people seem to enjoy here. If a woman is physically abused or raped, then it's her fucking fault for choosing wrong. If a man is raped or abused, then he was too weak to stop it from happening and fucking deserved it. Girls call each other slut and men deliberately sabotage each other when more than one want the same girl.

And then people wonder why I have a reputation (at least back home, where I am now is a bit more hipster and thus, much tamer) for being an abrasive asshole. When you hear the absolute fucking filth out of people's mouths, the "you can fuck this person only if you're drunk" talk, all of it, you just start to hate everyone and everything. Where your worth is based off of your scorecard (I keep insisting it's real over here, maybe not in Liberal Democrat Wonderland or wherever you live) and how often you get high. If you can afford to buy molly or acid, that's high class amongst the college kids. If you can afford to give some out to the group, you're a king. Being fired from a job is celebrated, getting welfare is celebrated (and surprise surprise, this happens the most amongst white trash, and contrary to the stereotypes, the black folks tend to be the ones who value hard work and education the most. But that's mainly because there's almost no one back home but white trash and black people. All I'm saying is, boy are the stereotypes off the mark).

Conversely, stories of having sex with sleeping girls are also celebrated. Stories where the girl changed her mind halfway through are greeted with "when I start, I finish." Stories about having sex with underage girls are celebrated ("If her age is on the clock, she's old enough for the cock."). I was just lucky enough to have a group of friends who weren't like this, but then the white trash would show up, the thirty year old Cradle Robbers, your methheads with no teeth, southern accents and all, explaining to a crowd of rapt listeners that the sooner this "half-nigger president" was murdered, the sooner things will work out. Don't forget that when you combine neckbeards and white trash, you get an unholy mix.

This is the Southern United States, folks. The racism is alive and well, it never died. They just wait till the black folk are on their merry way before confessing to the Jewish boy that you should "never leave your car unlocked round that nigger" or "don't be in a dark alley with that faggot" or "if the bitch says no, that answer can always be changed."

It's a culture of pure toxic evil, guys. I already stand out just because I still have a bit of Northern Twang on me, I'm called "Damn Yankee" back home. And if it's not white trash, than it's the snotty upper class gentry, and they think I'm one of them too, and they might be even worse. Steubenville upset me, but it didn't horrify me. Steubenville is every goddamn day over here. Rape is a part of life, it is celebrated and treasured by men and women alike.

Women are literally taught to just "go along with it" and "only say no if other people are watching." The second my older female cousin caught wind of this, she immediately panicked. But my uncle and aunt are assholes, but not psychopaths, and she never got that talk. Women have expressed confusion at my newfangled "yankee" beliefs.

"Wait, so you can say no?"

"Girls can feel good just like boys can?"

"Why wouldn't you want to 'help yourself'?"

That's how one girl described her boyfriend mounting her: "helping himself." Like she was a fucking platter at brunch. Like it was an omelette station, and I want vagina with my eggs.

"You know, I get tired and he asks and I know better than to neglect his needs." He can't jerk off like a big boy would?

I mean, Jesus, it's not even that heroic to know better. It's just common fucking courtesy. It's as much courtesy as "don't rape people." Am I a good person for never raping anyone? Nope. It's common fucking courtesy. It's expected. Like "don't kill babies." Or "don't enjoy Fifty Shades of Grey."

I actually have an entire screenplay on my hometown, and it's horrid and nasty and something that no studio would ever make, because all I did was take the Richard Linklater anti-cinema movie to its darkest possible extreme, just by writing what I've heard. Not with as much literary grace as old "Let's film a movie for twelve years with no plot or characterization and call it art" himself (which is a minor dig, I normally like his movies) can, but the retarded 19 year old filmmaker version of that. When you can put a scene of a teenage boy raping an underage girl with a switchblade to her throat and you didn't exaggerate at all, yeah...that's bad. And for reference, this was told to me after the fact.

Sure explains why the screenplays I write are unbelievably dark, because I want to be the first to make movies about these kinds of topics so people are aware of them. All the taboo shit. I don't want people to feel so alone. I don't want people feeling like me.

On a personal note, I'm probably a little too open IRL about wanting to be a director. I dissed a guy for posting one of those bullshit inspirational quotes (the Marilyn Monroe one), and his response was: "you're gonna need it more than me, 'Future Director.' Latin for 'cashier at McDonald's.'" Ooo that fucker found one of two ways to legitimately offend me, reminding me that my degree is useless and my chances of making a living in the industry are next to nil. The other is attacking my manhood, of course. Or calling me gay. Because I don't want people thinking I'm gay, that kills the whole "maybe girls will want me" thing.

And it should. Because that's when you're going to start finding out how many people knew all along you were this sensitive and smart and compassionate individual and were just waiting for that side of you to show, and how many were only hanging out because they thought you were a Bro, and how many don't even give a shit and just like you no matter which you is the "real" one. (No value judgment intended for any of those categories, by the way, though you are of course allowed to make your own.)

But the alternative—continuing to hide behind your own assumptions of what the people around you value, growing closer to people who confirm that bias while alienating those who might have been receptive to the values you actually hold—has clearly been making you miserable already. Does it matter what's outside the frying pan when you're already burning up?

Some day you might be able to move to a new city, get a mostly-fresh start with mostly-fresh people, find a culture that better fits your own outlook. It sounds like that day might not come any time too soon, and that sucks, but if it helps to have something like that to look forward to, then let that be something that helps.

Alright, whoa there with the flattery. I wasn't trying to come off as Buddha or some shit, and the ace image which may or may not actually be my sexual orientation was cultivated so I wouldn't have to participate in the more toxic elements of southern brouhaha culture. And I was laughed at and called freak and whatever.

"You ever get laid?"

"Tried. Didn't like it."

Anyway, I dunno, people are not split into "People Like Glides" and "People Unlike Glides." People are people and they're diverse and complicated and what most of them have in common is not getting along with me. And it's not because they're assholes (well, mostly not assholes), it's because I don't really connect. I don't. I try, but I don't. Nobody connects with me. Not like no one ever does, but lately no one has. People aren't thinking about me, they're not wondering what I'm up to (IRL). I don't stand out, I'm not viewed as a filmmaking prodigy at school (the ones who try are privately laughed at, so better to be a cipher). I don't have a culture even with the film people because I don't like what they like. Either it's Generic Action Television Show or Artsy Movie That Makes No Fucking Sense. Grey's Anatomy or some bullshit by Terrence Malick.

Unless I'm misreading, it sounds like you live in a region of the country, the American South, that I am afraid even to visit because I know what a total misfit I'd be. And you live there. No wonder you feel alone and isolated and like you don't fit. If the local culture is a total mismatch for who you are, it would be strange not to feel that way. But you know, not every place is the same. I think you would be surprised how different you might feel in different surroundings, among people with different values and outlooks than the ones you're surrounded by now.

Another thought crossed my mind reading what you wrote about asexuality and not feeling attracted to the images you expect you should. Maybe you're one of those people who requires a strong romantic or emotional connection with someone in order to feel sexual about them. That's not an unusual way to feel attraction, even if it is unusual to talk about it among certain crowds. I mean, maybe that doesn't describe you at all, I don't know, but I do know that men get bombarded with messages about how they're supposed to feel attraction, as though there was only one way to be instead of many ways.

You're not misreading.

I'm not sure what I want, speaking realistically. I don't know if I like sex or oral or any of that. I want to know, obviously. I want to know for sure.

I just wanna connect with someone, you know? I want to trust someone for a change. i want to be my ugliest self around someone and they'd still be just as attracted to me as ever. And I want them to be the same way around me. I want to be the man they dreamed about their entire lives. Which is a fruity-as-shit fantasy, but there it is.

I mean, how traditionally masculine does that sound?

[Caffeinated]

I actually have an entire screenplay on my hometown, and it's horrid and nasty and something that no studio would ever make, because all I did was take the Richard Linklater anti-cinema movie to its darkest possible extreme, just by writing what I've heard. Not with as much literary grace as old "Let's film a movie for twelve years with no plot or characterization and call it art" himself (which is a minor dig, I normally like his movies) can, but the retarded 19 year old filmmaker version of that. When you can put a scene of a teenage boy raping an underage girl with a switchblade to her throat and you didn't exaggerate at all, yeah...that's bad. And for reference, this was told to me after the fact.

Sure explains why the screenplays I write are unbelievably dark, because I want to be the first to make movies about these kinds of topics so people are aware of them. All the taboo shit. I don't want people to feel so alone. I don't want people feeling like me.

On a personal note, I'm probably a little too open IRL about wanting to be a director. I dissed a guy for posting one of those bullshit inspirational quotes (the Marilyn Monroe one), and his response was: "you're gonna need it more than me, 'Future Director.' Latin for 'cashier at McDonald's.'" Ooo that fucker found one of two ways to legitimately offend me, reminding me that my degree is useless and my chances of making a living in the industry are next to nil. The other is attacking my manhood, of course. Or calling me gay. Because I don't want people thinking I'm gay, that kills the whole "maybe girls will want me" thing.

Ok, first, let me just say as a person who used to make my living in the industry, that making a living in the industry is not an unreasonable goal. Now, doing so without moving to LA, that might be less reasonable of a goal. Or expecting that your first job in the industry will be to write and direct a big budget studio film, that would be an unreasonable goal. But lots and lots of people make a living in the industry. Lots. My advice in this case is move to LA as soon as you possibly can, and start hustling to get PA gigs, and work your ass off at every PA gig you do. That's how people get started in the industry. And among young people in LA, it's a very normal career path. Plus, no one there will laugh at your knowledge of film or your desire to direct. That's considered normal there. In fact, one of the more common small talk questions when meeting someone is the one-two sequence of "what do you do" followed by "and what do you want to do", meaning things like directing, acting, writing, music, stand-up comedy, etc.

I just wanna connect with someone, you know? I want to trust someone for a change. i want to be my ugliest self around someone and they'd still be just as attracted to me as ever. And I want them to be the same way around me. I want to be the man they dreamed about their entire lives. Which is a fruity-as-shit fantasy, but there it is.

I mean, how traditionally masculine does that sound?

Sounds like the kind of connection I always figured most people want. I mean, isn't that a good definition of an idealized romantic love, having the kind of trust with another person where you can both be your real selves, good sides and bad, and still love each other?

[Enail]

It's hard to figure out what you do want when it feels like the whole world is screaming at you to do everything you don't want.

In the past you've mentioned that some people you've met seem to like that you say that it's okay to say no or that girls can enjoy sex too. so it sounds like there are people who have different attitudes, or who are looking to find people who think like that even if they didn't know it was possible or didn't even realize that that's what they wanted to find. It sounds like a lot of those people aren't sure where they stand on it, that like you, sometimes they want to do whatever will let them fit in and be liked, so it's hard to band together and make a shield wall or a little pocket of non-rape-cultureness-and-awfulness. But the more you can be confident about what you believe, and the more you can be yourself, the more others who feel the same way will be able to find you and stand together with you.

One thing you might want to consider: you often talk dismissively about people who respond positively to your beliefs around sex, by describing them as too damaged to know what they want, that someone who's been raped only likes that about you because they feel safer so it's not a 'real' feeling, and the like.  But doesn't it make sense that the first people to recognize that an environment is toxic are the people who have been harmed the most by it? A canary in a mine isn't messed up for reacting to poison first, they're aware of something real that others can't recognize. You know culture you're in is toxic, so why do you think it's crazy or too broken when other people recognize it too? That's not crazy, that's 100% sane. And I think if you can try not to dismiss it when that recognition comes from having being harmed, it'll make it easier to connect with the other people who want something different.

[reboot]

I actually have an entire screenplay on my hometown, and it's horrid and nasty and something that no studio would ever make, because all I did was take the Richard Linklater anti-cinema movie to its darkest possible extreme, just by writing what I've heard. Not with as much literary grace as old "Let's film a movie for twelve years with no plot or characterization and call it art" himself (which is a minor dig, I normally like his movies) can, but the retarded 19 year old filmmaker version of that. When you can put a scene of a teenage boy raping an underage girl with a switchblade to her throat and you didn't exaggerate at all, yeah...that's bad. And for reference, this was told to me after the fact.

Sure explains why the screenplays I write are unbelievably dark, because I want to be the first to make movies about these kinds of topics so people are aware of them. All the taboo shit. I don't want people to feel so alone. I don't want people feeling like me.

On a personal note, I'm probably a little too open IRL about wanting to be a director. I dissed a guy for posting one of those bullshit inspirational quotes (the Marilyn Monroe one), and his response was: "you're gonna need it more than me, 'Future Director.' Latin for 'cashier at McDonald's.'" Ooo that fucker found one of two ways to legitimately offend me, reminding me that my degree is useless and my chances of making a living in the industry are next to nil. The other is attacking my manhood, of course. Or calling me gay. Because I don't want people thinking I'm gay, that kills the whole "maybe girls will want me" thing.

Ok, first, let me just say as a person who used to make my living in the industry, that making a living in the industry is not an unreasonable goal. Now, doing so without moving to LA, that might be less reasonable of a goal. Or expecting that your first job in the industry will be to write and direct a big budget studio film, that would be an unreasonable goal. But lots and lots of people make a living in the industry. Lots. My advice in this case is move to LA as soon as you possibly can, and start hustling to get PA gigs, and work your ass off at every PA gig you do. That's how people get started in the industry. And among young people in LA, it's a very normal career path. Plus, no one there will laugh at your knowledge of film or your desire to direct. That's considered normal there. In fact, one of the more common small talk questions when meeting someone is the one-two sequence of "what do you do" followed by "and what do you want to do", meaning things like directing, acting, writing, music, stand-up comedy, etc.

I just wanna connect with someone, you know? I want to trust someone for a change. i want to be my ugliest self around someone and they'd still be just as attracted to me as ever. And I want them to be the same way around me. I want to be the man they dreamed about their entire lives. Which is a fruity-as-shit fantasy, but there it is.

I mean, how traditionally masculine does that sound?

Sounds like the kind of connection I always figured most people want. I mean, isn't that a good definition of an idealized romantic love, having the kind of trust with another person where you can both be your real selves, good sides and bad, and still love each other?

On the industry thing, I have a friend who is a modestly successful indie director (Slumdance, Slamdance, Sundance, Toronto, Tribeca, etc.) who can live decently off her work and I second caffeinated's advice. One thing I will suggest (based on my friend's experience) is to use your time in school getting every damned bit of experience in every single part of the filmmaking process you can. You have the advantage of being around a lot of people who are looking for volunteer assistance and you do not need to worry about supporting yourself right now, so you can take unpaid gigs. Do it. The pathway to being a director is often twisty, especially at the beginning, and the more skills you have, the more likely it is you can get a paid position on a film. Once you are getting paid positions you begin to network until you are in a position to pitch your own projects. Also, as a director it pays to know as many of the other technical and support roles as possible so you do not sound like an assclown. Please salt accordingly, as I am basing this on one data point

As for whether your feelings sound traditionally masculine, considering the tendency for men in traditional masculine roles to feelings dump on their long term partners and have them as their sole emotional support, I would say your desires are traditionally masculine.

[Gentleman Johnny]

One tip that I'm very bad at following, Youtube is the new portfolio. Granted, this is more on a producer or CG or actor level but when someone asks "well what have you done" and you can share a link to a kick ass short, that means a lot.

[Herr R]

Glides, I for one would love to see a your filmed take on what guys like us go through or just how much of a living hell it is to live in a culture that you were born or raised in, yet you never felt like you belonged to.

[8bitGreyscale]

OK, so you're not talking suicide, Boggle still says it better than me.

d00d, words cannot express how much I love Boggle. I can understand a lot of mentally-healthy people not really grokking Boggle's power -- thinking that it's a cute lil owl in a cute comic saying motivational things, but not having an emotional response to it. Maybe even thinking it's a bit silly or corny.

But I've been slowly emerging from a long, major depressive episode*. I stumbled upon Boggle the Owl when I was at the worst part, and s/he** spoke.to.me. Reading Boggle was suddenly being wrapped in the softest, warmest blanket and feeling comfortingly hugged. Several comics made me cry for a long time, because Boggle UNDERSTOOD. S/he somehow knew what was wrong and why, when sometimes I didn't know until right then. I've never had such a strong, visceral connection to ... pixels on a screen, y'know?


* I've had major depressive episodes since grade school and will most likely have them for the rest of my life. Yay!

** I can't remember if Boggle has a specific gender or not.

[UristMcBunny]

Boggle got me through my Big Brainfuck Event.  I, too, know the love of Boggle!

Actually ended up getting myself my own Boggle stuffy for comforting me during high anxiety or depression or stress periods.  They're called "microwavable owl hotties" in some places and "heatable hootys" in others.



You can get them from a bunch of places - they're microwaveable, lavender-scented and plushly soft - curling up into a warm blanket nest and stuffing your face into a warm one of these as you nap is incredibly comforting.

[Gentleman Johnny]

I had a bear version of that briefly and they are brilliant! I might just have to get a replacement.

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