[Rant / Disc / Adv (I guess?)] I'm Fed Up

[Guest]

So, I debated posting this. Because, to steal snippet of a quote from Stephen Fry it's no more than a whine.

To title drop, I'm fed up. Really, bloody fed up. With myself, mostly. Don't worry, it's not another whinge about my body. I'll spare you that.

I want to separate myself from any desire for human contact and I can't. I want to throw away my own sexual desire and I can't. I just want to go through one day where I don't obsess over every little minuscule thing I do like I'm this walking imposition on people and I can't.

I'm stuck in this loop of thinking my every action is being judged and monitored by everyone who even glances at me, which in itself is judging people really harshly. So, I'm justing thinking everyone is judging me as bad as I judge others. It holds me back from wanting to be with others because I know - and I mean, I know - that they are thinking 'what a stupid fucking nerd', ' why is this loser talking to me', 'this dude is making me uncomfortable'. All evidence points to the opposite of these, but the thoughts won't leave me. They won't go away. They just won't leave me alone and it's getting harder to force my way through them on simple mental fortitude.

That's one of my few strengths that I would take to the bank - I have some kind of Herculean mental strength. I wouldn't say so if it wasn't reinforced by other's comments, but I put up with a lot and just kind deal with it as if that's the way it has to be. When my mother's parents died while my dad was overseas it wasn't my business to be upset - I had to take care of my mother. When my Japanese teacher passed away I tried to lockdown my sadness about it - I didn't have time to worry about my emotions, I just got my high school results back and needed to focus on what University course I was getting into. It all reached a peak, however, when my grandfather on my dad's side passed away and I almost had a complete mental breakdown and almost failed a University unit. The latter of which still haunts me - I got a borderline 50 for the entire unit when the rest of my studies has been almost all 80 and up. That really terrified the hell out of me when I thought I was going to fail. I lost weight I couldn't afford to and it deepened a lot of my latent self-hatred. Haven't quite bounced back. But I remember my parents, my sister and firneds thinking I was some kind of super man throughout all this, like I'd done something impossible. I didn't get it, isn't this how people deal with things? I still don't get it.

When I was in primary school I was a real baby. I'd cry a lot. I seemed to operate on a different emotional wavelength than everyone else. When I got to high school I learned that does fly [INSERT RUSH'S SUBDIVISIONS HERE]. You shape the fuck up or you get shipped the fuck out. I don't know exactly how or when it happened, but that's where I locked up. To use an analogy from Genesis' song Back In NYC, I covered my heart in hair for protection, but I let it knot to the point that it cannot be shaved. I can't let it out any more, it's wrapped in it's own dead growth and I don't know what to do with it short of setting it all on fire and letting it burn. But at the same time, my heart looks fluffy and comforting this way because everyone can see this façade of beauty and not see the rotten core at the centre. They can't see or touch that centre and I don't want anyone to. If they touch it, it's going to infect them and hurt me. (my God, this entire section reads like such a wank, I'm sorry, but lyrics are my way of interpreting my own feelings sometimes)

What's terrifying is that I'm hurting as I type this, but I can just look up from the computer and talk to my parents about Andy Murray winning a tennis match like there is nothing wrong. I have a smile on my face and I look 100% A-OK. Then I return top typing and I feel like human refuse. I don't know what's real any more and it's scaring me. Am I just delusional and my pain is imaginary or is it real? It feels real, but for all I know I'm just fucking nuts. No offence intended here, but it's the bluntest way to put that.

I think I really enjoy working because there's that wonderful emotional disconnect. Sure, I stress about screwing up, but I know my job. I know what to do. There are rules and regulations to follow and it feels so good to follow them. And, as much I do like my co-workers and the awesome atmosphere at the office, we're still just co-workers. It goes no further. It stops before my hairy heart can have it's hairs rubbed against the grain and I run away in discomfort.

I've said it before, but I resent even being a 'nerd'. I hate being into what I'm into because it makes me a loser (in my own head) by default. Anime? I'm obviously a fucking huge perv weeaboo motherfucker. Video games? Obviously a walking misogynist evil shitlord. Computers? Loner moron with no social capacity. But I'm the very proof to the opposite of these - my sister was the gamer before me and introduced me to it. I got into anime to to supplement my Japanese and because I love the language. I have an interest in computers because they are the future and my Dad is a bloody computer technician and a folk music legend where I live. But I can't escape the hate that twists everything around to make it maligned in my head. This even applies to others - other people are into anime and that's cool! I'm into anime and that's bad, bad, bad you stupid person!

Returning to the start, I just wish I could lose all desire for others, for companionship, for anything sexual. It's just an extra layer of pressure when I create enough of my own already. I feel like even if I found a woman who cared, they'd see the matted mess of my heart and either balk or try to pry into it. And I would want to run, or worse, lash out at them from trying to. And that's not fair.

'How dare you touch that rotten mess I've created, leave it in the dank corner you found it and leave me alone!'

I mean, I worry that my own pain affects others so I don't want people to touch. But, really, I'm more out for my own protection here. I hurt enough and others will only make it worse.

Ugh... I can't think of anything else and this is sad enough.

I like to end things on a sort of happy note, so have a cool song from Guy Pearce (yes, that Guy Pearce):

[LadyIkaros]

Ok, I'm going to armchair diagnose the hell out of you, and IANA psychologist, so take it for what you will:
It sounds to me like you're struggling with some OCD-like tendencies, and what you're defining as mental fortitude is really a strong repression mechanism that allows you to carry on and keep smiling. Until it all becomes too much and you have a breakdown.

I remember on some other thread you were wondering wether getting a diagnosis would be worth it. If this is how you feel, I think that it would. Or, a diagnosis may not be the most important thing, but you could use some help in how to deal with that dark spiral in your head - doesn't sound like you're going to find your way out of it on your own.
Perhaps something like cognitive behavioural therapy? That's supposedly good for resetting destructive thought patterns, but there are no doubt people around these boards who know a lot more about these kinds of specifics than me.

[Enail]

In addition to what LadyIkaros said, it sounds like it might feel good and even be helpful to talk to someone you don't have to act okay with? Maybe untangle some of those knots a bit? If so, that's another reason therapy could be a good idea, whether or not you have some kind of official diagnosis.

[Werel]

MapWater, that didn't read like a wank. It was actually beautifully written and I'm glad to have had the chance to read it.

Tiny sliver of [adv]:

I'm stuck in this loop of thinking my every action is being judged and monitored by everyone who even glances at me, which in itself is judging people really harshly. So, I'm justing thinking everyone is judging me as bad as I judge others.

I used to have trouble with this, and what actually helped was making a conscious effort to judge people less harshly/actively look for positive qualities. Nasty intent out, nasty intent in, and vice versa. Enail's take on wabi-sabi and seeking beauty in imperfection might be helpful with that.

[Guest]

Ok, I'm going to armchair diagnose the hell out of you, and IANA psychologist, so take it for what you will:
It sounds to me like you're struggling with some OCD-like tendencies, and what you're defining as mental fortitude is really a strong repression mechanism that allows you to carry on and keep smiling. Until it all becomes too much and you have a breakdown.

I remember on some other thread you were wondering wether getting a diagnosis would be worth it. If this is how you feel, I think that it would. Or, a diagnosis may not be the most important thing, but you could use some help in how to deal with that dark spiral in your head - doesn't sound like you're going to find your way out of it on your own.
Perhaps something like cognitive behavioural therapy? That's supposedly good for resetting destructive thought patterns, but there are no doubt people around these boards who know a lot more about these kinds of specifics than me.

In addition to what LadyIkaros said, it sounds like it might feel good and even be helpful to talk to someone you don't have to act okay with? Maybe untangle some of those knots a bit? If so, that's another reason therapy could be a good idea, whether or not you have some kind of official diagnosis.

All while typing that out, the thought that maybe I need some therapy was in the back of my head. The fact I bounce around from good to bad days means my opinion on seeking therapy changes too, but it might be a necessity if only to have someone to talk to about all this.

I wouldn't share this sort of thing with my parents in the first place, but between my mum's health and pressure at work for my dad, I don't want to give them my problems too. And, as much as I can be super open with my sister about just about anything, I don't really feel like it's fair trying to lump this on her either.

MapWater, that didn't read like a wank. It was actually beautifully written and I'm glad to have had the chance to read it.

Well, that's a relief. It was the first analogy to spring to mind.

Tiny sliver of [adv]:

I'm stuck in this loop of thinking my every action is being judged and monitored by everyone who even glances at me, which in itself is judging people really harshly. So, I'm justing thinking everyone is judging me as bad as I judge others.

I used to have trouble with this, and what actually helped was making a conscious effort to judge people less harshly/actively look for positive qualities. Nasty intent out, nasty intent in, and vice versa. Enail's take on wabi-sabi and seeking beauty in imperfection might be helpful with that.

Over the last year, so 2014, I've been sort of trying this. If only because I met a lot of people very unlike me and had force myself to not be a shithead internally. Not that I treat them bad, but I know I'm judging people quite harshly in my head over silly things. I find that if I'm specifically meeting people, I'm... okay. Because I can plan for it and think about it in advance. When I run into people during my day or something that's not planned occurs and it involves new people or people I don't know well, that's when I go into overdrive and my brain tries to other them from me for some reason. Maybe I just need more practice.

On a related note, SBS (Special Broadcast Service - one of Australia's news networks) just published this about Social Anxiety Disorder. If I were to be so bold as to try and self-diagnose, I would say that I definitely fall into the actual disorder. I fear a lot of things, but very little few things more than having to be around people or in social situations. CBT seems popular in treating it.

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