Making a Game out of Rejection

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Making a Game out of Rejection Empty Making a Game out of Rejection

Post by OneTrueGuest on Sat Jan 17, 2015 4:35 pm

I read this article today and thought it was a fascinating way to approach the fear of rejection and arguably could be really effective. I also love that he literally invented a game for it. So of course I thought of the folks here and wondered what you thought? Especially as I know so many here fear rejection above all things, would this be something you might be interested in trying?

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/01/16/377239011/by-making-a-game-out-of-rejection-a-man-conquers-fear?sc=17&f=1001

"I had to get rejected at least once every single day by someone."

He started in the parking lot of his local grocery store. Went up to a total stranger and asked for a ride across town.

"And he looked at me, like, and just said, 'I'm not going that way, buddy.' And I was like, 'Thank you!'

"It was like, 'Got it! I got my rejection.' "

Jason had totally inverted the rules of life. He took rejection and made it something he wanted — so he would feel good when he got it.

"And it was sort of like walking on my hands or living on my hands or living underwater or something. It was just a different reality. The rules of life had changed."

Without knowing it, Jason had used a standard tool of psychotherapy called exposure therapy. You force yourself to be exposed to exactly the thing you fear, and eventually you recognize that the thing you fear isn't hurting you. You become desensitized. It's used in treating phobias like fear of flying.


And here's a link to the game he invented out of it: http://rejectiontherapy.com/

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Post by The Wisp on Sat Jan 17, 2015 5:31 pm

My question is what happens when you, say, ask somebody for a ride you don't need, and they're that weird person who would actually say yes.
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Post by OneTrueGuest on Sat Jan 17, 2015 5:40 pm

I guess you have to only ask for a ride if you do need one Smile . I think you get to choose what kinds of questions you'd like to do. For example, as a woman, I don't think I'd do the ride one or the pretending I knew someone one.

I guess I was more curious about what people thought of the concept of the game, less the specific rejections the guy chose for himself.

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Post by The Wisp on Sat Jan 17, 2015 5:45 pm

It's an interesting idea. I think DNL has advocated something similar when it comes to asking women out. I think it could work really well for some people, and making it in the form of a game probably helps a lot itself, though I don't know if I could do it Razz
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Post by OneTrueGuest on Sat Jan 17, 2015 5:46 pm

Why do you think you couldn't do it? (sincere question)

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Post by The Wisp on Sat Jan 17, 2015 5:49 pm

For me, I often have pretty strong negative reactions to interactions with people that are rejection-y and/or awkward, even if the interaction itself is pretty minor. Which means that I don't think I'd be desensitized, I'd just reinforce everything. But, maybe a much more gradual version would work for me, IDK.
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Post by OneTrueGuest on Sat Jan 17, 2015 5:58 pm

I guess my feeling is that the more you get rejected the more you realise it isn't as big a deal and therefore those strong negative reactions get smaller. I get it that the feeling of fear isn't just in the approach, it's in the fear of the negative feeling after you've been rejected. But maybe if you experienced several rejections a day eventually you quite simply wouldn't have the energy to make such a big deal out of every single one.

I mean, I get rejected almost on a daily basis and on pretty big things, not getting a role I wanted, a publisher rejecting my book, and yeah it hurts, but I have also learned after years of being in these businesses that it's not the end of the world, it just is, and I now know how to get over it faster. Also it doesn't scare me to feel that way anymore, it just is.

I dunno. It's a thought.

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Post by Guest on Sat Jan 17, 2015 6:12 pm

I read about this on The Doc's Facebook page, very interesting idea. I'm thinking of experimenting but asking for phone numbers, kinda like these dudes. I dunno what you guys think of that though. (And for the record I wouldn't use the same lines of dialogue as Vitaly -- the first dude -- would use)

See, I could give a shit about social rejection or anything like that, I've given examples about how I've asked random people questions about stuff. Last year I walked up to this girl with an MGSV "Diamond Dogs" shirt, I just HAD to ask where in the hell she got that shirt. E3 it turns out, much to my dismay, so I said, "Crap! Aw well, thank you!" and walked away.

See? No big deal.

Now if I said, "Hey you wanna grab a drink with me?" afterwards after I asked about the shirt, that woulda been way more difficult. Razz

EDIT: AAAAND, for me, I feel like rejection just gets annoying. Like I've been rejected from jobs several times and I never felt angry or sad, just annoyed as all hell. Razz Romantic rejection though... hmmm, not so much. Razz

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Post by OneTrueGuest on Sat Jan 17, 2015 6:15 pm

I like that! Though just be straight forward, I despise the "Put your number in my phone" guys. But hey, it does work for some guys so if you want to. Just I hate to promote that kind of arrogant cocky behaviour, it's a massive turn off for me. Anyone did that to me I'd laugh in their face. I think practicing "Hey you wanna grab a drink?" or "Hey I think you're cute, can I get your number?" and not worrying about the rejection is a great idea. Obviously ask women you wouldn't mind going on at least one date with in case she says yes, but taking away the pressure of having that one particular crush you just want to ask out? Brilliant!

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Post by Guest on Sat Jan 17, 2015 6:28 pm

OneTrueGuest wrote:I like that!  Though just be straight forward, I despise the "Put your number in my phone" guys. But hey, it does work for some guys so if you want to.  Just I hate to promote that kind of arrogant cocky behaviour, it's a massive turn off for me.  Anyone did that to me I'd laugh in their face.  I think practicing "Hey you wanna grab a drink?" or "Hey I think you're cute, can I get your number?" and not worrying about the rejection is a great idea.  Obviously ask women you wouldn't mind going on at least one date with in case she says yes, but taking away the pressure of having that one particular crush you just want to ask out?  Brilliant!

The "cocky" attitude kinda goes in line with building a persona for me, because I'm not actually that cocky I think "Put your number in my phone" with a warm genuine smile would come off as more confident than cocky. Unless you add in a question inflection maybe? I dunno, just thinkin'/typing out loud. Razz

But I like your idea too.

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Post by OneTrueGuest on Sat Jan 17, 2015 6:38 pm

I dunno.  There's no way an order can come across as not cocky in my opinion.  How dare you tell me what to do.  Who do you think you are?  But that is very particular to me.  I think some girls think it's "taking charge", but this goes back to the whole arrogance isn't confidence thing that many girls can't tell the difference between.  The reason I have managed to have never dated an arrogant asshole while still dating confident guys is I don't put up with the arrogant even jokey behaviour.  It's not what I like, I don't want to play that game, and you might be the nicest guy ever but it still tells me something about you that you're deciding to use an order instead of asking. It's worked really well for me not to put up with stuff like that.

Also, remember people don't know you, so they don't know you aren't cocky.  They won't be able to go, "Oh that The Mikey, he's just being sweet and a little silly."  And the cocky guys also smile, so yeah, not so sure that your genuine smile in that context won't be read as a smug one..  Personal anecdote time: I remember for a while I started doing that kind of negative banter the doctor likes and I was really good at it, and guys always laughed and found it pretty shocking and I thought it was so funny because I'm such a nice person it's so obvious I don't mean any of these things.  Until people started to tell me they thought I was really mean when they first met me.  Because of course those people didn't know I wasn't mean, they didn't get the irony, they didn't know me at all.  They just took my behaviour at face value.  So I stopped doing that.  And now people think I'm nice again Smile .

Anyway, again, totally up to you.  I am but one woman with kind of outside the norm things I want from, well, humans in general.  I'm not saying you wouldn't get numbers that way, I just personally am not fond of that method.  And of course my preferences do not at all have to line up with yours Smile .

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Post by OneTrueGuest on Sat Jan 17, 2015 6:47 pm

Adding also that it is so rare that a guy just comes up to you calmly and with a kind smile and says, "Hi I just wanted to tell you you're really beautiful and I'd love to take you out for a drink sometime" that when it does happen it's a really positive experience for me. It's so respectful, so mature. And every time such a person has asked this of me and I've had to say no (for whatever reason) they are always gracious and never threatening. The best of men, in my opinion, ask women out that way. Because even if I say no, I still leave feeling sincerely beautiful and like someone actually likes me, yay! Isn't that a nice thing to leave a person feeling with? Giving someone an order will work on the women who like that sort of thing, but for the rest you'll leave them feeling pissed off and annoyed at the whole male entitlement thing. Wouldn't it be nicer to leave everyone feeling a little nice about the interaction, even if you get rejected, at least you'd know someone didn't feel like an object or harassed?

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Post by Guest on Sat Jan 17, 2015 8:47 pm

Looks like I know nothing about playing off... either confident or cocky. Oops. Razz

Well, yeah it'd be nicer, definitely.  But  the reality is I'm too nervous about it that I can't really do it The way you just described or the other (FAR more aggressive) approach. I mean if I saw you from a distance, I'd admire from a far and then retreat back into my foxhole. So it seems that no matter what I do I'm screwed.

Huh. scratch

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Post by Guest on Sun Jan 18, 2015 3:16 am

I'm having trouble articulating exactly why this 'Rejection Game' isn't an optimal idea with respect to dating specifically. So I'll plagiarize this from the comments section:

Kali wrote:
It seems that if you aren't prepared for the answer to be "Yes", then you aren't really being rejected. It sounds like rejection, but if the request isn't sincere and containing the possibility of acquiescence, it can't be rejected.

It doesn't have to be devastating that your request was rejected, but it does have to have some sort of meaning. Ideally this is set up as a win-win, "I asked for a mint and either I win a mint or I win my daily rejection quota."

Basically, I'd be playing this game with the explicit expectation that I'd have to be rejected a lot in order to 'win'.

The attitude I must master to win the 'Rejection Game' doesn't translate well to dating, because my success in dating isn't defined by the amount of rejections I experience.

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