Depression and dating

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Sun Mar 11, 2018 11:52 am

The fact is that a lot of rejections is normal. I know that doesn't make it magically fun or make it not feel painful, and I'm sorry you're feeling discouraged, but asking a few people out and having them decline/not get in touch is not proof there's no hope, it's just a thing that happens to pretty much everyone who asks people out, because not everyone is looking to date, not everyone is attracted to every other person, and so on. And putting so much pressure on every time you ask someone out to be the one thing that gives you hope could be coming through and making the situation feel uncomfortably high stakes for them.

People give out their numbers because they feel put on the spot and aren't sure how to decline without being rude, or b/c they're fine with having someone from the meetup that they had a fun conversation have their contact info but aren't interested in dating them or didn't intend to hang out on-on-one.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Sun Mar 11, 2018 12:32 pm

Yeah, that makes sense. Like you said, though, that knowledge doesn't make how I'm feeling any better than when I was when I got shot down again. In the meantime, what am I supposed to do to meet people who are interested? Online dating doesn't seem to be working for me any more now than when I started - and that's including the time when I was banned from OKCupid for not having an account. In-person dating doesn't work either, because I don't have anyone *to* date.

My therapist has been telling me for a while that I need to go out and do more things to find more people, since a girlfriend isn't going to fall out of the sky in front of me, but I have no idea what I want to do in the first place. Even the social mixers I've been going to have been rather uncomfortable for me, one because I don't drink and two because I'm there alone instead of with friends. Meanwhile, my therapist has been suggesting things like faith-based groups, wine tastings, and other things he knows I'm not comfortable with or interested in doing. Or, if I am somewhere between marginally and fully interested, I can't go to said events because of time, money, or transportation constraints.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Mon Mar 12, 2018 1:09 pm

Yesterday I thought I was speaking too early with regards to my luck with online dating, but it seems not.

A bit of background: I was waiting about 25 minutes or so before it was time to leave for work yesterday, so on a whim I decided to open up Tinder and start swiping. I thought about buying a month of Tinder, and decided "it was only ten dollars, may as well" so I did. As part of that, they give you a free "boost" every month which puts your name out in front of a lot more people for a while. So I did that.

As part of that boost, I matched with a girl named Loraine. I thought she was cute, and certainly she saw something in me (which I'll get to in a bit) so I started a conversation with her. We seemed to hit it off pretty well, and I thought that today I'd invite her out somewhere. She had a habit of calling me "baby" which seemed a little odd, but wasn't wholly unappreciated.

Until today. I asked her if she'd like to hang out somewhere, since I've got today and tomorrow off, and she dodges the question and asks me (again) what I do for work. I return the question and she says that she's a cam girl, and that she needs help making a quota in order to have time off to spend with me. A red flag predictably went off in my head, but I figure I can at least try this out once. So I give her my old email address and she sends a link to what is presumably her cam site. Everything seemed fine, except when I put in my card I got an error saying it wasn't accepted - except what was actually happening was that it was trying to charge several other things at once and the bank's automatic fraud protection went off. The card since got canceled to protect my accounts.

So basically, again, I'm back to square one *and* I need to wait another week for a new debit card. Le sigh.


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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Werel on Mon Mar 12, 2018 2:50 pm

Belatedly, yeah, rejections are 100% normal and not a sign that you're doomed to be alone. And people do trade numbers just for friend/hobby/don't-want-to-be-rude-and-say-no purposes all the time. I have to agree with Enail, it's very likely that the high-stakes feelings about every interaction with a woman is coming through and it's a bit uncomfortable for them. I think you've said your therapists have said this, but I suspect you might have a better time making friends/potential romantic connections if you had some other stuff in your life that made you feel good. On that note:

ReploidArmada wrote: Meanwhile, my therapist has been suggesting things like faith-based groups, wine tastings, and other things he knows I'm not comfortable with or interested in doing. Or, if I am somewhere between marginally and fully interested, I can't go to said events because of time, money, or transportation constraints.
Remind me if there's a reason you can't volunteer someplace? I think getting to know folks in a situation where the focus isn't entirely on socializing might help you out a lot. Just getting used to seeing the same people regularly in a non-work context might help you build your social muscles and start developing some acquaintance/friend connections. (And, if you really need to link stuff to romance to be motivated, then having more friends = more friends of friends who might be potential dates someday--but like I said, it'd probably be good to build up non-romantically-directed parts of your life for their own sake.)

That sucks that you got card-scammed, but the fact that the red flags were waving beforehand shows your phishing instincts are working, and presumably won't fall for the same thing again. Wink
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Mon Mar 12, 2018 3:12 pm

I still don't really know what makes me feel good, though, other than my gaming hobbies and my cat (and the obvious things of romance and sex). I said this in a different group, but I feel like my lack of interests makes me uninteresting as a person, and that is *part* of why women don't want to be with me. Now, you're likely absolutely correct, in that the high-stakes feelings are probably coming through and scaring them off somewhat.

I remember doing some thinking some time ago, about what I can do mentally to better myself for when I actually end up finding somebody, and I came to the conclusion that there was a lot of things I need to do on that front. I have a deficiency mentality as opposed to an abundance mentality. I put a lot of stock in all of my interactions with women whom I'm attracted to. I'm not okay being single. And, I feel like I have an aura of loneliness, neediness, and hopelessness that permeates my interactions with people. Unfortunately, I don't know if my therapist is willing or is even trained to properly help with those mental issues, plus whatever else is going on.

At the very least, my job is fairly social, so I've gotten the chance to practice small talk and low-stakes interactions with people, especially women, since that's where most of my anxiety is. However, once I leave the premises, the anxiety comes back, and I feel like the aura of neediness comes back to me.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Werel on Mon Mar 12, 2018 3:25 pm

ReploidArmada wrote:At the very least, my job is fairly social, so I've gotten the chance to practice small talk and low-stakes interactions with people, especially women, since that's where most of my anxiety is.
That's good! And that's part of why I keep suggesting volunteering-- after a bit of time, it can become another space where you're on "home turf" and have a shared purpose (like at work) and might feel less anxious interacting with people. There are so many groups in your area which need volunteers, and since you've identified your cat as a source of joy in your life, you might really benefit from volunteering at an animal-oriented organization. Do whatever, but I will persistently keep suggesting volunteering as a thing which could benefit you on many levels. Wink

It also sounds like you've identified some important stuff that's holding you back, and good job, since awareness is the first step towards working on it. If your therapist is really not able or even willing to help with those issues (which, yikes, those seem like very common problems that all therapists should be equipped for), there's always the option of trying to find someone else, but I know what a pain that is. If it's instead the case that he thinks you should be working on other stuff first, that's a little more understandable, but it can't hurt to outright tell him you'd like to work on those issues and see what he says. In the meantime, you can work on those issues in small ways by yourself-- like by working on addressing your loneliness in non-romantic ways, e.g. by strengthening your network of acquaintances and friends, and by reminding yourself that there are reasons to improve your quality of life/headspace other than for a potential romantic partner (like, because it makes your life better for you and your subjective experience).
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Tue Mar 13, 2018 8:21 pm

Well, there was (and still is) a small problem standing between me and fixing those issues I was talking about. My therapist canceled my last appointment, which would've been yesterday now, and he's going on paternity leave for a month starting in April. He said he was spreading the leave out somewhat, but I don't know what exactly that means in terms of my therapy schedule. What I do know is that I'll have potentially three full months of almost no contact with my current therapist.

In the meantime, I've been more active on OKCupid and Tinder lately, in part since I already spent a few bucks on the latter. (I don't see myself paying for OKC any time soon, because one, it's more expensive, and two, my card's been canceled, but c'est la vie.) Still no significant matches or replies yet on either one.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Tue Mar 13, 2018 9:04 pm

Oh, that's frustrating about your therapist, he doesn't have a stand-in or anything? Not that a stand-in would have the same relationship and understanding built-up, but it might still be better to have the option of getting another perspective while he's gone.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Thu Mar 15, 2018 2:17 pm

Still no word from my therapist about how long he's taking off, or whether he has a replacement set up, and still no word from my OLD attempts. At this point, I think I am legitimately doomed to be invisible online, since I must have sent out something like two dozen messages on OKC, and about 10 or so "super likes" on Tinder. What's going wrong? Am I just too unattractive? Too boring? Too something-or-other to get people to pay attention to me?

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Werel on Thu Mar 15, 2018 3:00 pm

ReploidArmada wrote:At this point, I think I am legitimately doomed to be invisible online, since I must have sent out something like two dozen messages on OKC, and about 10 or so "super likes" on Tinder. What's going wrong? Am I just too unattractive? Too boring? Too something-or-other to get people to pay attention to me?

Being zero for 35 sounds completely normal for online dating, honestly. Browse DNL's frontpage comments and/or the OLD threads here and you'll see that getting no response is the default. Success on OKC/Tinder/Bumble/etc. mostly comes through persistence, luck, and making the best possible profile (which, if you want to work on, there's a thread for!). You can safely drop the "uniquely doomed" narrative you've got going; this is how pretty much everyone experiences online dating, not a sign that you, specifically, suck. Wink

Sorry about the disruption with your therapist, though, that's really annoying!
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Thu Mar 15, 2018 3:18 pm

Well, I have the "uniquely doomed" narrative for other reasons, namely that I am incapable of finding anyone who even might be interested in me romantically either online or in-person. It's not just because of my lack of OLD success. I think you're right, though. I was talking with some friends of mine elsewhere and they came to the conclusion that my messages were boring and cookie-cutter, which explains OKC but not Tinder. As for my profiles, I don't know what I can improve on for them; They seem at least okay, but I'm looking at my own, and I don't know what other people see or don't see in them. Maybe I'll have to pop over there and post them.

I just wish my luck and/or persistence were better. My luck is awful, and I have a habit of stopping something soon after I start it if it doesn't show results. I fear that's going to happen with my OLD activities this time too.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Fri Mar 16, 2018 11:17 pm

I managed to get a couple responses from ladies I was interested in on OKC earlier today. One of them "liked" me in response to my message, but hasn't responded to me proper, but another one I was having a nice conversation with for a time. Unfortunately, two things happened: One, she and I weren't looking for the same things from the site, and two, she stopped replying hours around 8, maybe 9 hours ago. I want to believe that's her being busy instead of cutting off contact, but I've been burned by the latter before so I almost expect it at this point.

EDIT: Something happened! I matched with a lady named Kelly, and we seemed to hit it off pretty well in our conversation. Enough so that I have a tentative plan to meet and chat over coffee next week Smile

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Datelessman on Sun Mar 18, 2018 4:40 am

ReploidArmada wrote:I managed to get a couple responses from ladies I was interested in on OKC earlier today. One of them "liked" me in response to my message, but hasn't responded to me proper, but another one I was having a nice conversation with for a time. Unfortunately, two things happened: One, she and I weren't looking for the same things from the site, and two, she stopped replying hours around 8, maybe 9 hours ago. I want to believe that's her being busy instead of cutting off contact, but I've been burned by the latter before so I almost expect it at this point.

EDIT: Something happened! I matched with a lady named Kelly, and we seemed to hit it off pretty well in our conversation. Enough so that I have a tentative plan to meet and chat over coffee next week Smile

That's great news! Thumbs-up

I know it can be hard to keep on trying, but you're showing tremendous fortitude by doing so. I hope things work out well for you!
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Sun Mar 18, 2018 10:36 am

Thank you! ^_^

I actually managed to get a coffee chat time set up with another lady, named Miranda, as well for next week! I'm definitely looking forward to both of those days Smile

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Sun Mar 18, 2018 12:12 pm

Oh, cool, hope they go well!
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Tue Mar 20, 2018 2:29 am

I had a proper first date earlier today! And it went really, really well! Run in circles flail

I had met a third girl on OKC named Jen some time ago. She sent me the first message, and I found her and replied to it. We hit it off really well! She was looking for tall, nerdy, pudgy guys wearing glasses, which fits me to a tee. After some back and forth texting over last night and today, and some shirtless body pics, we decided to meet up for dinner tonight. We were originally going to do a Korean BBQ place for dinner, but she decided that she wanted to do seafood instead, since it was a particular favorite of both of ours. I decided to head her way after my therapy appointment, since she lived a couple towns/suburbs north of where I live.

I showed up where she wanted to meet me around 5:45pm Pacific, and waited around another 45-60 or so for her to get out of the shower and dressed. She had complained of back pain earlier in the day, and kinda numb legs as well, so I patiently waited for her arrival. When she did, we gave each other a hug to welcome each other, and walked off together, hand in hand, to the restaurant. When we got seated, I mentioned off-hand that this was the first date I had ever been on, and she followed that up by asking if I was still a virgin. I of course said yes. She seemed rather okay with it! The rest of the dinner itself was kind of a blur; I had a small amount of wine, about 3-4 ounces - not enough to really affect me, but just a touch to loosen up the nerves, as it were. She told me a lot about herself - her hobbies, her living arrangements, what she does for a living, etc.

Once we got out of the restaurant, though, things got interesting. We walked back to where I met her, hand in hand once more, and took a seat at one of the benches outside a KFC restaurant, oddly enough. She asked of me a favor, which was to give her a back-rub. I wholeheartedly agreed, and started rubbing and massaging her back. After about ten minutes or so, my arms were getting tired, so I stopped rubbing her back, and she turned the same direction I was facing on the bench. She wrapped her arms around me, and took me in a side-embrace. She told me she was rather touchy-feely, especially in the beginning of a relationship, and I told her that was no problem. I wrapped my arms around her as well. Then, she looked at me, said "Because I'm more experienced, I can be a bit more forceful," and kissed me. From that moment, we had our hands and arms all over each other, Jen even inviting me to fondle one of her breasts for a little while ( Run in circles flail ). There was lots of petting, touching, hugging, and more kissing. I think we kissed around seven or eight times? Eventually, I contacted my mom to pick me up, and I regretfully said goodbye to her for the night. I'm pretty sure we both wanted to continue, though. She left me with the words "I know you're going to be thinking naughty thoughts tonight..." after a French kiss.

So yeah! First date successful \o/

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Werel on Tue Mar 20, 2018 1:47 pm

Hey, that’s great! So glad to hear it went well, and hope y’all keep hitting it off!
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Tue Mar 20, 2018 1:56 pm

Awesome!
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by K-J on Tue Mar 20, 2018 2:25 pm

I'm not very active but I want to say a huge congrats to you Reploid!
I love a good success story and yes, whatever comes after this, you've had some serious progress.

One part caught my interest in particular:
ReploidArmada wrote:
When we got seated, I mentioned off-hand that this was the first date I had ever been on, and she followed that up by asking if I was still a virgin. I of course said yes. She seemed rather okay with it!

It sounds like it might've even raised her interest in you actually.

This is exactly what I would have done, and have done when I was in the same boat in the past.
You don't put it in anyone's face "I'm a VIRGIN" but make that cheerful off-hand comment and let them piece it together. I went with "I'd like to find a relationship. I've never been in one so it'd be really exciting." and let the questioning do the rest.

A lot of people don't believe it but there's more women than you think who takes this as a positive, provided you have a well humored and relaxed attitude about it.
I don't know exactly why. Maybe because it indicates other things entirely. One, that shame isn't your game (because you can bring those sort of things up) and two, you're open and transparent with who you are, hence reliable? Just my guess.

Plus, I suppose there are a few who has some sort of erotic turn on tied to being someone's first. If that's the case, don't be alarmed if you're led into a bedroom with enough incense and burning candles for a tribal sacrifice, although make sure the fire alarm is in working order!

Ok, now I'm kidding Laughing , but it sounds like you two have excellent chemistry. Remain happy, positive, open and let her lead (she seems more than happy to do that)

Again, congratulations!

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Datelessman on Tue Mar 20, 2018 2:58 pm

ReploidArmada wrote:I had a proper first date earlier today! And it went really, really well! Run in circles flail

I had met a third girl on OKC named Jen some time ago. She sent me the first message, and I found her and replied to it. We hit it off really well! She was looking for tall, nerdy, pudgy guys wearing glasses, which fits me to a tee. After some back and forth texting over last night and today, and some shirtless body pics, we decided to meet up for dinner tonight. We were originally going to do a Korean BBQ place for dinner, but she decided that she wanted to do seafood instead, since it was a particular favorite of both of ours. I decided to head her way after my therapy appointment, since she lived a couple towns/suburbs north of where I live.

I showed up where she wanted to meet me around 5:45pm Pacific, and waited around another 45-60 or so for her to get out of the shower and dressed. She had complained of back pain earlier in the day, and kinda numb legs as well, so I patiently waited for her arrival. When she did, we gave each other a hug to welcome each other, and walked off together, hand in hand, to the restaurant. When we got seated, I mentioned off-hand that this was the first date I had ever been on, and she followed that up by asking if I was still a virgin. I of course said yes. She seemed rather okay with it! The rest of the dinner itself was kind of a blur; I had a small amount of wine, about 3-4 ounces - not enough to really affect me, but just a touch to loosen up the nerves, as it were. She told me a lot about herself - her hobbies, her living arrangements, what she does for a living, etc.

Once we got out of the restaurant, though, things got interesting. We walked back to where I met her, hand in hand once more, and took a seat at one of the benches outside a KFC restaurant, oddly enough. She asked of me a favor, which was to give her a back-rub. I wholeheartedly agreed, and started rubbing and massaging her back. After about ten minutes or so, my arms were getting tired, so I stopped rubbing her back, and she turned the same direction I was facing on the bench. She wrapped her arms around me, and took me in a side-embrace. She told me she was rather touchy-feely, especially in the beginning of a relationship, and I told her that was no problem. I wrapped my arms around her as well. Then, she looked at me, said "Because I'm more experienced, I can be a bit more forceful," and kissed me. From that moment, we had our hands and arms all over each other, Jen even inviting me to fondle one of her breasts for a little while ( Run in circles flail ). There was lots of petting, touching, hugging, and more kissing. I think we kissed around seven or eight times? Eventually, I contacted my mom to pick me up, and I regretfully said goodbye to her for the night. I'm pretty sure we both wanted to continue, though. She left me with the words "I know you're going to be thinking naughty thoughts tonight..." after a French kiss.

So yeah! First date successful \o/

That is utterly AMAZING! It fills my heart with joy to read that you've had a date as great as that one sounded. You have been through a lot and certainly deserve to be happy. And it looks like you made the lucky lady happy too! cheers

I also have to commend your bravery with revealing some of those details about yourself. As someone who is in a similar situation (I've had 3 dates but that's really all that separates us) I can understand that it isn't always easy to do so. It looks like you played it off well and found someone who responded positively, which is key. It does look like she enjoys taking the lead, which is perfectly fine and may lead to plenty of more fun dinners and adventures together.

Enjoy the heck out of this, man. And hopefully it's just the warm up. Thumbs-up
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:05 pm

Thanks for all the well-wishing! Right now Jen and I have another date set up for next Monday night. I *might* end up trying to find someone else, though. As much as she seems like she's into me, she doesn't seem like she has the same attitude surrounding sex that I have. She told me she was kinda jaded by the idea of having sex, if only because the men she's been with don't last very long. I don't expect to last very long inside her either, in part because I'm still a virgin and just haven't built up any sexual stamina worth mentioning. And, for as much as I don't want sex without love, at least right now, I *also* don't want love without sex. The two should be linked together, in my opinion, at least for my first romantic relationship.

EDIT: And, on a somewhat related note, she's not interested in raising a family. I would be, if I could find the right woman. That's also a bit of an issue I'm going to need to think about.

Now, originally, I was scheduled to meet two other ladies over coffee this week. One today, and one tomorrow. I don't think either one is going to be happening anymore, since tonight's coffee date, Miranda, had a work emergency come up, and I haven't heard back from her (yet) about what time she'd like to reschedule for. The other lady, Kelly, who I'm *very* interested in, told me she might have a job interview this afternoon. I haven't heard back from her yet either, about whether she's good to go tomorrow night, or whether she's going to have to reschedule as well.

With all of that going on, though, I'm still trying to look on the positive side: There are women near me who are interested in me romantically, and I went on a date with one of them, which ended on a very physical and touchy-feely note. That counts for something, I'm sure Smile

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Werel on Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:48 pm

Whoa, dude, you're putting the cart before the horse a little! You've had one date; it's not time yet to worry about whether you have similar preferences on kids. Wink

The sex issue is a little less premature, but you still don't know this person very well. Don't mentally dump her just because you might have different outlooks on sex (which, again, you've got limited info about). If she does end up having a very mechanical, unemotional approach to sex, maybe she's not a good partner for you, but it's probably worth getting to know her better before you decide you're totally incompatible.

ReploidArmada wrote:With all of that going on, though, I'm still trying to look on the positive side: There are women near me who are interested in me romantically, and I went on a date with one of them, which ended on a very physical and touchy-feely note. That counts for something, I'm sure Smile

Yeah, that's a pretty important bottom line! That's huge progress for you, and you have every right to feel great about coming this far!
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:13 pm

Very much agree with Werel, it's way too early to be thinking long-term future, and a ton of progress, try and enjoy that!!
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Datelessman on Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:46 pm

I'm with Werel. It's natural to be excited and running a mile a minute inside, but be careful not to wind yourself up too much or make more of things than they appear. Enjoy the heck out of it, but allow yourself and the situation to just be, without overthinking. It's easier said than done, and were I in your shoes I might feel the same. But it's good advice.

ReploidArmada wrote:With all of that going on, though, I'm still trying to look on the positive side: There are women near me who are interested in me romantically, and I went on a date with one of them, which ended on a very physical and touchy-feely note. That counts for something, I'm sure Smile

It counts for a TON. Regardless of how things go Jen, try not to forget this and remember it when times get hard. Try to accept it as a core truth. It's not theory or well wishing anymore, it's fact. Thumbs-up
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Thu Mar 22, 2018 11:03 pm

Yeah, you folks are definitely right - it is way too early to be thinking about raising a family with Jen. However, her and I have been chatting a lot since our date on Monday, and one of the things she said was that she wasn't interested in kids at all, which is why she had a IUD implanted some time ago. As for the sex thing, I don't mean that her preferred method of having sex is mechanical and unemotional, I mean that she's not necessarily interested in *having* sex with me, which is an important thing for me. Like I said, I don't want love without sex, either.

I wouldn't say Jen and I are completely incompatible, since apart from those two things I mentioned - and my preference for bigger chests (ahem) - she's pretty close to perfect for me. However, I'm trying to keep my options open for now instead of put all of my hopes on her, let's say.

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Re: Depression and dating

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