Depression and dating

Page 12 of 12 Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 10, 11, 12

Go down

Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Mon Apr 23, 2018 1:03 am

I'm back from my first date with Sarah. It went... okay, I guess. I had a decent time at least, but she said she (also) didn't feel a romantic spark, and didn't want to continue seeing me. I know I shouldn't feel too bad about this, but I can't help it. For the longest time, I was rendered unable to date for completely BS reasons, and now that I am able to date, life seems content to make sure I don't find anyone worthy of a relationship. Either people don't really want to date me, like Kaylie, or they do want to date me - but then don't want to follow through, like Sarah or Jen (the latter being a special case, for reasons detailed previously).

I feel like I'm back to square one again...

_________________
If love truly is a game, mine was shipped without instructions

ReploidArmada

Posts : 147
Reputation : 18
Join date : 2015-01-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and dating

Post by Datelessman on Mon Apr 23, 2018 2:24 pm

I have to say I am pleased my Mel Brooks reference was appreciated before.

ReploidArmada wrote:I'm back from my first date with Sarah. It went... okay, I guess. I had a decent time at least, but she said she (also) didn't feel a romantic spark, and didn't want to continue seeing me. I know I shouldn't feel too bad about this, but I can't help it. For the longest time, I was rendered unable to date for completely BS reasons, and now that I am able to date, life seems content to make sure I don't find anyone worthy of a relationship. Either people don't really want to date me, like Kaylie, or they do want to date me - but then don't want to follow through, like Sarah or Jen (the latter being a special case, for reasons detailed previously).

I feel like I'm back to square one again...

Dating even under the best of circumstances for heavily experienced people will involve a lot of false positives, dates that never happen, ghosting, first dates where there is no connection for one or both parties, or even finding toxic people (as Jen was). It is, unfortunately, the name of the game. Doctor Nerdlove answered a letter today and I think some of his advice applies to your situation, so I am going to paste some of it here for you:
And yeah: you’re going to get hurt. The world’s full of sharp corners and steep drops, sometimes you’re going to run into them. Dating is no exception to this. Assholes are gonna ass, you can’t avoid that. But while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. And part of how you avoid suffering, especially as you avoid people who would just use you like your ex did, is that you learn to maintain and enforce your boundaries. You have to stand up for yourself, instead of just accepting anything that comes your way in the name of having a relationship. You have to be willing to say “this isn’t acceptable, and I won’t be treated like this” to bad behavior, even if it means losing the relationship. You have to be your own first, best line of defense.

But more than anything else: you have to let go of the identity that you’ve adopted. You have to let go of the fear that’s holding you back. You have to be willing to put yourself out there, even though you’re afraid, because you can’t date without making yourself vulnerable. You can protect yourself, sure; you don’t invest emotionally in someone immediately. You give it time to get to know them and see if they can show they’re worth investing in, just as you’re showing them that you are worth investing in.

At the end of the day though, there is no reward without risk and dating is about taking risks. You minimize the risks as best you can. You prepare for the worst, even as you expect the best. But you have to decide that the risks are worth the potential rewards.

And trust me: when you find someone who’s right for you, who you just click with? Who makes you feel like you’re coming home, even though you’ve only just gotten to know one another?

Then you’ll find it really is worth it.

Good luck.

From his article here: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/ask-dr-nerdlove-learn-to-trust-again/

Now I know this is not easy, especially coming from a position of relative dating inexperience. I acknowledge that the fact that your first lover with which you got to "fool around with" turned out to be a toxic and manipulative person doesn't make recovering and maintaining positive dating motivation any easier. Having been friends with many women, however, I will say that you are not alone in the realm of your first lover/relationship being toxic; I honestly can't count how many women I have known personally whose first romantic and/or sexual experiences were either toxic or even abusive. This is true for men as well. I say this not to try to make you feel bad or guilty, simply to remind you that as painful as it can feel, you are not alone and if anything it could be an area where you could sympathize with other people, or potentially someone may sympathize with you. While it is never good to dump your baggage on people, one of the factors which allows us to connect to people is understanding.

The best you can do, as maudlin as it sounds, is focus on the positive. The positive is that you have recovered quickly (or at least quicker than some) from your experience with Jen to date again. And you ARE getting attention and some first dates. First dates are all about confirming things in profiles and seeing if online chemistry or interest translates to in-person chemistry and interest mutually. Most of the time it will not for one or either party, and there is no way to avoid that unfortunately. I wish it were different; if it were I would date more myself, honestly. Ultimately while you shouldn't make dating an obsession and have other interests and hobbies in your life, there is no reward without risk and there will be more rejections and/or dates that don't "pan out" than there will be successes, whether someone is a virgin or if someone has had hundreds of lovers. You can look back at dates, maybe try to see if something worked or didn't work and adjust your approach, but your ability to land first dates (as well as interest) for them suggests that you definitely have a lot going right for you, and it is a matter of having the endurance to go through the slog to find someone with which there is a mutual connection. Give yourself credit for rebounding from your experiences with Jen, and give yourself credit for landing first dates, and try to keep the faith.
avatar
Datelessman

Posts : 73
Reputation : 42
Join date : 2017-06-29

View user profile https://datelessman.wordpress.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and dating

Post by K-J on Sat May 12, 2018 8:24 am

Reploid, I don’t think you’re back at square one. You’re making bold attempts to find somebody. Sitting around idling, trying to amass the willpower or bravery to step outside, now THAT’s step one.

I feel like, when we try and it fails, we’re actually very warranted to feel raw for a while (but don’t get stuck in that ofc), whereas having done nothing while complaining would be learned helplessness and more unwarranted, but that’s not the spot you are in, right?

I think maybe now, your challenge is to 1. Start to fixate less on the hopeful outcome when on a date, and focus more on how good a connection you can strike between the two of you. When you can’t seem to find much of any, I hope it occurs to you like ”Hmm, maybe we don’t really match”, rather than, ”I’m failing!”

2. You might need a little fine tuning. When people say they don’t really feel it between you, it can either be because you’re too different (nothing wrong with that), but it can also happen when we hold ourself back a bit, don’t dare to try and ignite that spark, hit a warm emotional chord in our date, make them feel something. So idk, maybe it’s things like that you somewhat miss now and would benefit from learning.
It can be something as simple as looking him/her in the eyes, smile warmly and say ”I’m having a real good time now”. Part of attraction is something you must generate.

K-J

Posts : 22
Reputation : 22
Join date : 2016-10-10

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and dating

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 12 of 12 Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 10, 11, 12

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum