Depression and dating

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Werel on Wed Oct 10, 2018 3:05 pm

Oh god, Reploid, I am so sorry about your mom. Seconding the hopes that you can take the time to say a good goodbye. I don't think anybody is ever ready to lose a parent, but I hope you and her find as much peace as possible and share a lot of love over the next few months. Digital hugs, if you want them.

And that's cool about your Twitch channel - it's always good to have something satisfying and meaningful to you to focus on in hard times. Keep it up, or any other activity that's fun because you enjoy it, regardless of how much attention it gets.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Wed Oct 10, 2018 5:01 pm

Yeah, I'm definitely trying. The last couple times I was trying to stream, I wasn't in the right headspace for it (obviously with what's been going on), so the stream itself didn't go on very long. I'm hoping to bounce back a bit in the coming weeks, because I'm definitely going to need the distraction from what's been happening with my mom.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Sun Nov 04, 2018 2:37 am

So... A few things have happened since last time I was here. The biggest thing is that my mom has passed away - in fact, it was about two weeks ago, and only two weeks after I found out in the first place. I'm doing my best to try to cope with the reality that she's no longer here with us, but it's been really hard to stay happy lately. My mom was the voice of kindness and reason between my two parents, and now that she's gone, there's no one to really balance out or protect me from my dad.

On a slightly happier note, I was recognized by work somewhat recently. As a reminder, I work in a department store doing cashiering, and we recently held an event called Operation School Bell, where a non-profit comes in and invites underprivileged families and their grade-school-aged children to buy school clothes on the non-profit's dime. I was doing three days of the four days they were here this season, and during my second day with them, one of the little kiddos I was helping out drew me a picture! Her name was Elizabeth, and she was so happy to get new clothes she gave me a crayon picture of herself and a rainbow. That made me happy for a little while Smile

Now for the dating news. I went out to the local board game cafe with a lady on the 24th of October, I think? I had a decent time, and I *thought* she did too. Of course, I was mistaken; She sent me a text saying that she "didn't mean to ghost me", given that she was gone for a few days and very busy for a few more, but that "she also didn't want to meet up with me again." I've learned to leave it at that, so I don't have the slightest idea why she doesn't want to see me anymore, but that's yet another first date that didn't go as well as I would have liked, for lack of a better term. There is another lady I've been chatting with, but even though she says she's interested in meeting with me, she hasn't actually committed to a specific date and time for us to meet up. This one I can kinda understand, because she's a single mother and needs someone to babysit her child, but I just can't shake the feeling that this one is going to end similarly bad for me.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Sun Nov 04, 2018 2:51 pm

So, so very sorry about your mom. Glad you're looking after yourself and keeping busy.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Mon Nov 05, 2018 11:45 am

Welp. At least you got one who treated you right, that's pretty good.

With the other...yeah, I'm not saying it's gonna go badly, but a lot of people agree that having a child complicates the process a lot.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Wed Nov 07, 2018 3:09 am

Welp. Go figure. Stop me if you've heard this one before: The single mother I matched with on Tinder, who seemed happy and eager to meet up with me over text/Snapchat, actually decided she was going to stop stringing me along and unmatched me on both SC and Tinder - Tinder some time ago, SC just today. Again, there was seemingly no explanation or closure for why she didn't want to meet with me at least once, but in keeping with the trends of old, my recent OLD matches have once again said "fuck this guy" after either zero or one date(s).

I'm trying hard not to be angry or bitter about this right now, because like Hielario said it might not have worked out trying to date a single mother, but... It's very hard right now not to be upset in some fashion. Especially with what other bullshit I've been forced to deal with, not just recently with my mom passing, but also just in the sense that I'm not very popular with single women. At all. I hardly get any matches on OKCupid or Tinder, the "hookup culture" stereotype of Tinder aside, and so every failed first date and inevitable rejection hurts that much more. It's not for lack of trying - I was sending out a fair number of likes and messages respectively when I was browsing OKCupid - but instead, at least in my experience, women just hate me.

And my friends on Facebook wonder why I'm so doom'n'gloom concerning my dating prospects all the time...

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Wed Nov 07, 2018 7:04 am

They don't hate you. It's just most of them don't give a rat's ass about you.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Wed Nov 07, 2018 2:29 pm

People have their own lives and their own issues going on, not everything's about you. Chances are she realized she couldn't come up with childcare and a space in her schedule any time soon and it was getting too stressful trying, or something came up in her own life and thinking about OLD fell to the wayside. Or maybe something in the messages made her realize an incompatibility or raised a red flag for her, and she thought she'd better cut out now than go on a date she didn't feel good about anymore. Or, maybe she got serious with another match; kind of rude of her not to let you know, but people are rude sometimes.  

Of course, it sucks to have someone you thought you were getting on well with disappear on you, but 'someone from Tindr you've spoken with for a bit' isn't going to be high on the list of responsibilities for most people, and honestly (although I do think it's generally polite to at least let the other person know you're no longer interested and I definitely understand being frustrated when things don't work out), it shouldn't be that high on the list. The amount of pressure you're putting into any given match, however brief the contact, is honestly a bit intense, and I do wonder if it might be putting people off.

I'm sorry you're dealing with painful and frustrating rejections on top of grieving, but I think when you're feeling up to a little introspection, it would be a good idea to think about why your response to feeling like you're not popular with single women is to be angry at them. Anger is a response that would make sense if you felt women are obligated to want to date you, or that a woman who decides not to date you is doing something wrong; I'm sure you know consciously that they're not, but the brain doesn't always follow suit automatically, is that where your feelings are coming from? Or are you protecting yourself from feeling hurt with anger? I know for me, turning a hurt back on whoever hurt me as anger often feels better and stronger than just feeling the hurt as itself, but it doesn't tend to be kind or healthy, and ultimately isn't a great thing for my interactions with the other person, maybe you're the same?

And annoyance and frustration would be an obvious reaction to a specific woman who ghosts you, but being angry with her, for a slightly inconsiderate way of dropping contact, from someone who you hadn't even met yet and didn't have any ties with, is kind of a lot. So maybe give some thought to what buttons all this is hitting for you, what you're expecting of your OLD matches and if that's something that's healthy and reasonable for you to expect, and if you've got the outlets you need to be handling the rejections that come with dating in a healthy way. I think  in the long run that could help you a lot with dating.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Wed Nov 07, 2018 2:58 pm

Aaaaand there we have why I left those sites.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Wed Nov 07, 2018 4:00 pm

Yeah... I think you're right, Enail. I shouldn't be angry at people for things like simply dropping contact with me. Even if it was kind of rude to not tell me why, it was her decision to do so.

I think, although I may be wrong, that I'm less angry and more disappointed in her. I'm more angry that all of this crap is happening to me all at once. Besides the previously stated, I'm also dealing with my dad oppressing me. He's been trying to control how I save and spend my meager income, in addition to bullying both me and my cat whenever either one of us does something he doesn't like. Such as, in kitty's case, meowing. Or, in mine, not having enough shifts at work.

It's gotten to the point where I need to get away from my dad for the sake of my mental health and my kitty, but I don't make enough money to move out on my own, perhaps even with a roommate. At the same time, though, my depression and social anxiety almost require me to have medication support still, at least since I sleep very poorly without my sedatives, and if I made more money, I wouldn't qualify for low-income health insurance, and thus I'd have to start paying out of pocket for my medications and therapy.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:22 pm

Yeah, that's a really angry-making situation, your dad sounds pretty awful to live with. I hope you can get the financial bind sorted out in some way that works, no one should have to be trapped by the need for healthcare like that.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Werel on Fri Nov 09, 2018 7:55 pm

Oh, Reploid, I'm so, so sorry about your mom. Helping little kids get new clothes sounds like a good way to keep busy while you grieve. Take care of yourself, and I'm sending you good wishes.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Sat Nov 10, 2018 1:27 am

Thanks Werel Smile

I met up with another lady from OKCupid just now! She's married and poly, though, so not someone I'd be looking for long-term. Still, her and I are going to try to build a good friendship, and maybe she'd be open to FWB later on. I had a lot of fun meeting her too, and it sounded like she did as well.

On a less good note, I got a like and a message from someone else on OKC, someone who I messaged a short time prior. The message read as follows: "Hi, nice to meet you. You sound like a sweetheart, I just don’t think we would be a great match. Thanks for the lovely message though." Again, I'm not really angry at her, just sad and disappointed. Part of me - and of the woman I was spending time chatting with earlier tonight, tbh - wonders if the message she sent would have been better than just leaving it alone? I don't know. What I do know is that my streak of bad luck with OLD seems to be continuing, my meet-up just now notwithstanding (because like I said, I wouldn't be trying to date her long-term if she's already married).

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Sat Nov 10, 2018 12:28 pm

As someone who has spent several years trawling OLD unsuccessfully and didn't get many of those, I can tell you it IS better. It creates a less damaging sort of feeling. You're still sad, sure, but at least you won't feel like you're screaming into the void, because you know people, even if they're not interested, care at least a little about you.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Mon Nov 12, 2018 4:36 am

I am so bad with women. And, I don't have the faintest idea why.

The poly, married woman I met up with on Friday night? Hasn't responded to a pair of texts sent over OKCupid, one just after I got home that night, one earlier today.

A fellow associate of mine, who's not only funny and attractive, but also both interesting to talk to and interested in things I would be talking about? Someone whose FB profile says "single", but I didn't dare trying to outwardly chase due to not wanting to ruin the coworker dynamic? Apparently I missed the boat. I went out to the local board game cafe with her and one of my other coworkers. There was much hand-holding and a couple pecks on the cheek on their side of the table.

Both of these events have quickly eroded what little self-confidence I was able to build up from receiving a number of recent messages on OKCupid. Both of these events have driven me and my mind further down the slippery slope of depression, anxiety, and self-loathing.

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 28 years old. But, instead, I can't help but look at it as a measure of how long I've been battling my depression, how long I've been living my life alone, and how long I have yet to go to get to where I want to be.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Mon Nov 12, 2018 8:31 am

Um, just a thing -- if she's searching for another partner on OKCupid, she's probably gotten distracted. You don't have her phone number?

EDIT:Maybe you should send her your number and ask for hers.

I feel the same, buddy. I don't get what's so wrong with me, neither.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Tue Nov 13, 2018 3:25 am

No, the woman on OKC unmatched me. I never got her phone number, or gave her mine, so she and I are effectively cut off from each other now. I still don't know why she lost interest so quickly - I can think of one reason, that being that she thought I wasn't going to be happy with just a platonic friendship, but I don't know for certain if that was it - but it's just another bullet point of data that shows that I'm going to never find someone who will want me and accept me for who I am.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Tue Nov 13, 2018 2:42 pm

What makes you think that her thinking you wouldn't be happy with just a platonic friendship might have been why she unmatched you?
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Tue Nov 13, 2018 4:27 pm

In her first message to me on OKC, she mentioned a couple things: One, that she was already married, so I shouldn't expect to have her as a monogamous partner; Two, that she would normally be looking for a FWB on the site, but wasn't at the moment. I did say I was okay with that, but when I met up with her, I must've said something that made her feel otherwise.

Assuming, of course, that's why she lost interest.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Tue Nov 13, 2018 6:52 pm

That seems like a decent possibility. And points to something much more specific than "it's utterly hopeless" Wink.

If you want to, it might be good to give a thought to if you genuinely were okay with just keeping things platonic. If not, then it's not surprising she might have felt otherwise and that means things are working as intended (people who aren't looking for the same thing is disappointing when you're hoping they would be a match, of course, but ultimately, it's better that you cross each other off your list as soon as it becomes obvious there's a mismatch than linger on getting frustrated with each other), but if you were, consider if there was something you were doing that could have come across like you weren't, and that might help you avoid mis-conveying yourself in the future.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Sat Nov 17, 2018 5:37 pm

I gave it some thought, and I think you're right: I was most likely hoping for a FWB situation, instead of a platonic friendship. That could very well be why she lost interest. It didn't help that my original message to her was commenting on her "perfect day" section of her profile, which included the phrase "orgasmic sex" two whole times XD

Anyway. I received another match from someone on OKC, and one of my friends actually helped set me up with someone from my weekly board game meetup group, so I've got a couple people to meet up with. As of now, I'm only scheduled to meet up for a first date with Lydia, the lady my friend set me up with, because of scheduling conflicts with the OKC lady, Shelly. But, I'm going to try to make it work after this time next week. My hours for next week are pretty awful in terms of having socialization time.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Mon Nov 19, 2018 7:34 pm

Oh boy! I hope it goes well.

Also, could you elaborate how did your friend "set you up" with that girl if you already knew each other? I'm confused about it. My only experience with that sort of thing was being introduced to a girl I didn't know before at a ¿festive event? by my friends, who knew her and told me beforehand that they were going to introduce me to a girl they knew and that it probably would go well (and oh lord were they wrong).
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Mon Nov 19, 2018 10:00 pm

What happened is that I had met Lydia a number of months ago at the board game group I go to, and had seen her since a couple times. However, one of our mutual friends informed me that she was actively looking for a date as well, which I didn't know previously. Mutual friend informed me and told me her email address, I contacted Lydia asking if she'd like to go out with me, and she agreed.

As for the date itself, it was fun! We met up at the local board game cafe (which, come to think of it, I've been doing a lot with first dates lately - but never mind that XD ) and chatted for a while, then got a proper table and played a few shorter games. Apparently she decided she was going to pay my check, too! I wasn't expecting that, but I was very thankful. I asked if she'd like to do something like this again later, and she replied "most definitely." I asked for a hug, and we hugged for a few moments before she and I went our separate ways for the night.

So far, I've sent her an email following up from last night, and asking about a date/time for a second date, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I'm not too worried, though. She works as an elementary/primary school teacher, so she's fairly busy on weekdays.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Wed Nov 21, 2018 1:45 pm

Maybe I should have been worried. It's been nearly three full days and I've still yet to get a response back from Lydia, so I'm no longer holding out hope for her to want to go out with me a second time.

At this point, I'm utterly convinced that one of two things is going to happen: Either one, I'm going to die without ever having sex or being in a relationship, or two, that I'll end up going insane long before I meet someone worthy of my time. People keep telling me that it's "normal" to go several first dates without ever getting a second date, but if that's the case, then how do normal, well-adjusted people keep going through the rejections and failures?!

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Wed Nov 21, 2018 5:22 pm

I'd give it a week at least. She's busy, you said it yourself.
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