Depression and dating

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Thu Nov 22, 2018 12:17 am

ReploidArmada wrote:
At this point, I'm utterly convinced that one of two things is going to happen: Either one, I'm going to die without ever having sex or being in a relationship, or two, that I'll end up going insane long before I meet someone worthy of my time. People keep telling me that it's "normal" to go several first dates without ever getting a second date, but if that's the case, then how do normal, well-adjusted people keep going through the rejections and failures?!

It seems like you pin a lot of your hopes for your future and self-worth on dating in general, which translates into a lot of pressure on any given date or date possibility to work out. That might land up making rejections a lot more painful and upsetting to you than they are to a lot of other people. As frustrating as it is, the more you want something, the more you feel you need something, the more it hurts when you don't get it; I think if you can work on finding ways to spread out some of the hopes and needs you're currently putting into your search for a relationship onto more different aspects of your life, you might find the ups and downs of dating life a lot less hard on you emotionally.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Mon Nov 26, 2018 11:03 pm

You're right, I do pin a lot of my hopes and dreams and self-worth on dating, and on each date. I don't know how to change that, though. I feel like changing how much hope I put into each date is kinda like changing who I am as a person, which is a very difficult thing to do in the best of circumstances.

Anyway, I did decide to do something recently: I posted a couple threads asking for advice about my lack of second dates on Reddit, one on r/dating and one on r/dating_advice. Some of the advice I got was... not very helpful (someone said "You're the kind of guy who will attract single mothers and damaged women... only date the damaged girls for the medium term, just to get practice and be seen with them," which is very much NOT something I'm going to take to heart anytime soon) but some of the advice ranged from sort-of-helpful to actually helpful. Here's some of the "sort-of-helpful" stuff:

  • "You don't know how to flirt? DUDE, read articles or watch YouTube videos from dating coaches. They're literally everywhere."
  • "I know it's not as easy as 'just don't be needy', but you really need to tone it down."
  • "Coffee dates are kinda half friend zoning yourself because they feel like a meeting."
And some of the useful stuff:

  • "Well, if you think of "flirting", what do you associate it with? Think for a moment, then read my list:

    • Playfulness
    • Eye contact
    • Touches
    • Romance
    Those are some of the cornerstones / key points of flirting. Keep it light and playful. Challenge her on her beliefs. Tease her with a smirk. Keep deep eye contact, accentuate your sentences with light touches when appropriate."
  • "Asking for permission is super unsexy, but so is doing it against their will, obviously. Women like assertive men who "go for what they want", but obviously also respect boundaries. So if they look like they dislike what you're doing, stop. That said, you don't need special permission for light touches. They're generally acceptable."
  • "If anything, ask your date what she likes to do or give your date options (and be more open-minded with doing those options) and come to an agreement together."
  • "Definitely do not do full disclosure like that. I guarantee that drove her away. Look up "onion theory of communication" to get an idea of timing of when to disclose our baggage. Depression is a scary thing for most people, hence it's heavy baggage. Save that little bomb for when she already likes you and you know more of her baggage."
  • "Keep asking questions, get your butt in therapy, try speed dating for some extra experience, practice keeping ladies attention just by chatting up randos on the street and in stores..."

I don't know how much of that I'll be able to put into practice - or how long it will take to do so - but, it's nice to have some extra sources of help and advice. What do you folks think about the above?

EDIT: I had a bit of a revelation as I was chatting with some lady friends on Second Life, of all places. I realized that the likely number one thing I can do to improve my mental state right now, and possibly improve my chances of finding someone, is to learn how to be patient with myself. Granted, that is a very difficult thing to do, but I feel like that one change - if I manage to do it - would help me get rid of my desperation towards love, help fix the "hopes and dreams" distribution that Enail pointed out, and help get rid of my fear that I only have a very limited time in order to find someone. That last one, in turn, might help me in other ways.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Mon Dec 03, 2018 8:39 pm

I read the latest DNL post about the 27 year old guy who wrote in asking if his lack of dating experience at his age was killing his chances of finding someone. Holy balls, that one read like I wrote it Sad

Everything in that first letter feels like it came out of my life, except the chemotherapy part. Social rejection, body image issues, not having a relationship until "very late" age-wise, depression, college completion issues, feeling old, feeling pressure to "catch up" with where he "should have been" at his age... And that's just the second paragraph Sad

I feel like there's a lot of overlap between that guy and myself, just based on what he wrote down in his letter to DNL.

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