Depression and dating

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:09 pm

OK, there's something that I'm not getting. How are you putting pressure on people?
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Sat Jan 05, 2019 12:15 am

Well, what's happening is that I'm putting a lot of my hopes and desires to be with someone into nearly every interaction I have with ladies, especially those I'm dating. That, in turn, raises the expectations I have for any given date to work out, and it puts a lot of pressure on the ladies I do end up dating. I wouldn't be surprised if those ladies sensed that and cut off ties with me after the first date simply because I was hoping for or expecting too much out of them.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Tue Jan 08, 2019 2:52 am

I met with my therapist earlier today. I told him about my "doomsday clock" fear, the one where if I don't find a lover now then I never will. From what I can tell, he didn't really agree with my analysis of the situation, instead going into a long discussion about how what I'm doing / not doing (like not taking proper care of myself, not keeping my living space clean, etc.) was going to make me more undesirable than any perceived time pressure my mind is placing on myself. I tried to convince him that my mental state was also important, but he wasn't having any of it, even accusing me of putting up a facade for my dates and other social activities. I was able to speak my mind a little bit at the end of our session, though, and when I told him I needed him to have my back, he told me that he already did.

Still, I'm not sure what to do with him. I can try to trust that he's leading me down the right path, but I can't help but feel like he's ignoring the mental side of my mental illness...

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:21 pm

Sorry about posting three times in a row - I know some forums get upset about that - but I had a date last night! I feel like it actually went really well Grin

I met a woman named Katie on OKC, and after we shared likes she actually sent me the first message. We chatted for a while, and agreed on a large number of things, before I asked her out. She agreed wholeheartedly! I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she wanted to sing some karaoke. I told her I was up for that, and last night, we met up. She even got me a little flower as a date gift Smile

I had a lot of fun singing karaoke! It was my first time doing so, and I picked a few songs to sing. I sung Elton John - Crocodile Rock, and Chicago - You're the Inspiration. However, I also picked Earth, Wind, and Fire - September, and soon after I did so the host asked me and Katie if we were doing a duet! We happened to pick the same song to sing! Grin We both had a lot of fun singing our duet together. Another highlight from the night was that she said that "it felt right" when I held her hand for the first time.

We left the bar around 1am, and took a rideshare over to a 24 hour cafe and had some food. She put some Daft Punk on the jukebox - we're both very big fans of them - and we sung along to a few songs while we ate. After we were done, I asked her for a kiss, and she agreed - but I was going for a normal kiss, and she wanted to give a tongue kiss! We had a little laugh about that, and I wished her good night.

This was, probably, the first time I've been on a date and not just hoped it would work out well, but I think actually did. We're both into each other, we had a lot of fun, and we have a plan for future dates. I'm hopeful that this blossoms into something beautiful Smile

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Datelessman on Thu Jan 10, 2019 11:54 pm

ReploidArmada wrote:Sorry about posting three times in a row - I know some forums get upset about that - but I had a date last night! I feel like it actually went really well Grin

I met a woman named Katie on OKC, and after we shared likes she actually sent me the first message. We chatted for a while, and agreed on a large number of things, before I asked her out. She agreed wholeheartedly! I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she wanted to sing some karaoke. I told her I was up for that, and last night, we met up. She even got me a little flower as a date gift Smile

I had a lot of fun singing karaoke! It was my first time doing so, and I picked a few songs to sing. I sung Elton John - Crocodile Rock, and Chicago - You're the Inspiration. However, I also picked Earth, Wind, and Fire - September, and soon after I did so the host asked me and Katie if we were doing a duet! We happened to pick the same song to sing! Grin We both had a lot of fun singing our duet together. Another highlight from the night was that she said that "it felt right" when I held her hand for the first time.

We left the bar around 1am, and took a rideshare over to a 24 hour cafe and had some food. She put some Daft Punk on the jukebox - we're both very big fans of them - and we sung along to a few songs while we ate. After we were done, I asked her for a kiss, and she agreed - but I was going for a normal kiss, and she wanted to give a tongue kiss! We had a little laugh about that, and I wished her good night.

This was, probably, the first time I've been on a date and not just hoped it would work out well, but I think actually did. We're both into each other, we had a lot of fun, and we have a plan for future dates. I'm hopeful that this blossoms into something beautiful Smile

That sounds wonderful! After all you've gone through, you're entitled to some happiness. I'm glad it went well for you and hope you and Katie have some fun adventures together! cheers
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by nearly_takuan on Fri Jan 11, 2019 7:41 pm

Yay! Glad you had a good night! I hope there are more to follow!
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Fri Jan 11, 2019 8:02 pm

I hope so too! We're currently planning on going out for dinner next Thursday night, the 17th. I also brought up doing a little "movie night" to watch some things we haven't seen in a while, and she said she was very interested in doing that. I'll probably invite her over to my place around date #4 or 5 to do that.

I don't want to rush into inviting her over to my place because she's demisexual, so she's not going to be sexually attracted to me until if/when we form a strong emotional connection. I'm fine with that, personally! I'd rather give myself to someone who's going to be my first girlfriend, anyway, and I've already told her about my lack of romantic/sexual experience. I think I brought it up as "I'm looking for my first girlfriend" and "I just haven't been able to have that experience" when we were talking about relationships and sex, respectively. She was more than okay with it! Smile

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Sun Jan 20, 2019 2:59 am

I'm so happy right now!

We had our second date on Thursday night. Katie and I went out to dinner at my favorite local Italian restaurant. The dinner was rather tame, but after we finished our dinner, things got interesting. We had talked about French kissing each other, and I called it our "lessons" in French kissing because I wasn't used to giving them. After we got outside, she said "Are you ready for your first lesson?" and we French kissed. It was... amazing! We kissed a couple times more before we got into an Uber and went over to a nearby bar for more karaoke. Unfortunately, they weren't going to run it for another hour after we got there.

We gave each other another kiss and got into another Uber to go to a place in downtown called Star Karaoke. It was an interesting experience. It was Japanese-style karaoke, with rooms instead of an open stage, except most of the songs were Korean. There were a bunch of English songs available, though, so we sung those. I remember she sung Crazy In Love by Beyonce, Don't Stop Me Now by Queen, Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, and September by Earth, Wind, and Fire again. I was singing along to September with her, and when we finished, she nearly lunged over to me and French kissed me. Hard. I loved it so much, and she did too. We shared one more French kiss and parted ways for the night. When she got home, the first thing she told me was "Well, I'm super 'excited'. Good job." We spent the next hour and a half sexting back and forth~

Cut forward to today. She added me on Facebook, and I agreed to it as well. I noticed she added a "complicated relationship" status on her page, and sure enough, she asked "So when are we gonna be 'facebook official', eh?"

I responded "Honestly... Do you want to do that now? Because... I love you. I want to be with you."

Katie and I are now a couple! Grin Run in circles flail Grin

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Datelessman on Sun Jan 20, 2019 5:26 am

That's terrific! I am so happy for you! It sounds like things are going very well between you and Katie, and I hope the two of you enjoy each other's time together!

It always does my heart proud to read about someone in our little community making it. Try not to overthink it, just enjoy it. Continue being your best self, learn, have fun, and make her as happy, if not happier, as she's made you. Thumbs-up
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Werel on Sun Jan 20, 2019 1:55 pm

That's fantastic, Reploid! Super glad for you, and wishing y'all a lot of fun and happiness! Smile
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Sun Jan 20, 2019 2:11 pm

Hey, that's awesome! Have fun with it!
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Wed Jan 30, 2019 9:13 pm

I guess it wasn't to be. Katie broke up with me today Sad

She did reassure me that I hadn't done anything wrong, and she did still want to be friends with me, but she did say she didn't love me the way she thought she did. We mutually decided to be friends for a while, and if something develops later, then so be it. In the meantime, it's back to the "coal mines" of OLD for me Sad

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Datelessman on Wed Jan 30, 2019 11:58 pm

ReploidArmada wrote:I guess it wasn't to be. Katie broke up with me today Sad

She did reassure me that I hadn't done anything wrong, and she did still want to be friends with me, but she did say she didn't love me the way she thought she did. We mutually decided to be friends for a while, and if something develops later, then so be it. In the meantime, it's back to the "coal mines" of OLD for me Sad

That is a shame, but it would be best to not lose perspective nor learn the learn lessons from your relationship with Katie.

As DNL says, all relationships end until one doesn't -- and even that one will end when someone dies first. Some may last for years and some may last for weeks. That doesn't mean they can't be enjoyable, passionate, and worthwhile. Especially for people like you or I or many others who didn't do much (if any) dating in high school or college.

I mean, as much as it hurts, if Katie wasn't feeling you as much as she thought, there was no stretching that relationship any longer. If she'd kept quiet longer, perhaps desiring to spare your feelings, all that would have done would prolong a relationship with an end point and prevent both of you from moving on. From your posts it looked like that it lasted for 3-4 weeks, which is long enough for that initial buzz of the relationship to fade enough that one or both people figure out how deep they want to go.

I'm not saying you should shrug your shoulders in two seconds. You liked Katie a lot and had fun with her, and this will hurt. If it didn't, you'd be a sociopath. Allow yourself to get past the pain of it. I just hope you don't forget the joy of this relationship as well, nor the lesson that there's nothing wrong with you and that there are women who are totally into what you're offering.

Being able to be friends with an ex is also a sign of maturity. If feelings make that hard, then so be it, but at least be honest with yourself about that if that happens. I've become friends with women I once crushed on and was okay with that, but I know that's not easy. You'll always have your memories of your time together, and those can both remain part of you forever while also providing you with the motivation you need to experience them again with someone new, who may have feelings for you that match your own for them.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Thu Jan 31, 2019 12:31 am

Datelessman wrote:I just hope you don't forget the joy of this relationship as well, nor the lesson that there's nothing wrong with you and that there are women who are totally into what you're offering.

That's definitely something I'll be working on reminding myself of. My mind finally got the real, unadulterated proof that it wanted that there are, in fact, women who are legitimately into me and want to be with me. Even if it was only for a couple weeks, I had an amazing time with Katie. Even though it didn't work out, I'm still happy I had the practice with being in a relationship. And, she said she wanted to be friends first and lovers second, so it's still possible - if enough time passes, and our friendship blossoms into an actual relationship - for us to get back together in the future. Granted, I'm not holding my breath on that one, and she even told me "don't let our friendship keep you from meeting women," so I'm going to be spending more time on OKCupid in the coming weeks.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Datelessman on Sat Feb 02, 2019 12:30 am

ReploidArmada wrote:That's definitely something I'll be working on reminding myself of. My mind finally got the real, unadulterated proof that it wanted that there are, in fact, women who are legitimately into me and want to be with me. Even if it was only for a couple weeks, I had an amazing time with Katie. Even though it didn't work out, I'm still happy I had the practice with being in a relationship. And, she said she wanted to be friends first and lovers second, so it's still possible - if enough time passes, and our friendship blossoms into an actual relationship - for us to get back together in the future. Granted, I'm not holding my breath on that one, and she even told me "don't let our friendship keep you from meeting women," so I'm going to be spending more time on OKCupid in the coming weeks.

That's a good attitude to have and it is encouraging that you are seeing it that way. By all means, don't hold your breath and heck, if Katie is eventually down with being FWB and you can handle that, by all means do that. But you know better than I that OKC and online dating, or any dating, can be a grind and a numbers game. Allow the positives you experienced to propel you. Remember, you don't need to have a perfect "hit" ratio to find the people who will have a good time with you, and vice versa, to have an enjoyable romantic life. Quality over quantity.

I will say that if (and that is a big IF) Katie wanted something more "casual," be really, really REALLY sure you could handle that emotionally. Because it could get your emotions in a bind. But as you said, you're not hoping on it, and you shouldn't. If anything, having an ex who you are still very close with and pals with can be great "capital" to demonstrate what a cool guy you are and that you're worth taking a chance on dating.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Thu Feb 07, 2019 12:55 pm

A little suggestion from someone who tried that: don't listen to her talk about her romantic life until you're really sure you're over it.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Fri Feb 15, 2019 3:38 am

Katie, in the midst of trying to cheer me up from a pre-V-Day depressive episode, suggested to me a couple days ago that I should try a couple different OLD sites/apps. So, I took her advice and signed up for Bumble, and PlentyOfFish. So far, Bumble seems like it would be more effective (kinda Tinder-ish, except dating focused, and women actually have to message matches first) but I haven't gotten any matches on that platform yet. That might be because of a lack of market share, perhaps?

POF, on the other hand, is showing me more matches, but the ones I've gotten aren't necessarily quality matches. I'm pretty sure one of mine was a bot because the first message "she" sent me was "TEXT ME (phone number)". No punctuation, no interest shown, and it was almost immediate.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Datelessman on Sat Feb 16, 2019 1:04 am

ReploidArmada wrote:Katie, in the midst of trying to cheer me up from a pre-V-Day depressive episode, suggested to me a couple days ago that I should try a couple different OLD sites/apps. So, I took her advice and signed up for Bumble, and PlentyOfFish. So far, Bumble seems like it would be more effective (kinda Tinder-ish, except dating focused, and women actually have to message matches first) but I haven't gotten any matches on that platform yet. That might be because of a lack of market share, perhaps?

POF, on the other hand, is showing me more matches, but the ones I've gotten aren't necessarily quality matches. I'm pretty sure one of mine was a bot because the first message "she" sent me was "TEXT ME (phone number)". No punctuation, no interest shown, and it was almost immediate.

OLD really is a numbers game. The only advantage it is allows you to scroll past more women than most guys could ever do in a short amount of time in "meatspace," and so do from the comfort of home. And remember that if a woman agrees to meet up with you after getting a chance to see your profile and pics of you, it means she at least has initial interest. So go with that for some confidence.

Me? I tried Geek2geek years ago, and the only bite I got was someone trying to butter me up for a wire fraud scam. Shrug So keep at it, man.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Sun Feb 17, 2019 10:03 pm

What do you mean with "dating focused"?
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Mon Feb 18, 2019 1:49 am

Remember how Tinder has a probably-deserved reputation as a hookup site? I mean the opposite of that. Like a normal OLD site.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Mon Feb 18, 2019 6:08 am

Sorry, I don't follow. I've never understood where that reputation came from, in several years of irregular use I only found ONE girl who wanted to hook up.

(Maybe americans are different in how they use it?)
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Mon Feb 18, 2019 7:27 pm

Well, I haven't had the "hookup reputation" experience myself, but everyone I've told IRL about my use of Tinder has gotten on my case about its reputation. It's likely that Tinder isn't really used as much for hookups nowadays, but the stigma lingers.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Hielario on Tue Feb 19, 2019 3:25 pm

Aaaaah I get it. So Bumble doesn't have that kind of reputation then.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Thu Feb 21, 2019 11:07 pm

So, Katie has a new crush now. Apparently it's someone she works with named Dana, and she's fallen pretty hard for him, from what I've been told. She's been giving him small gifts every day or two since she started having feelings for him, like a rose, a card, some chocolate, etc.

On one hand, I'm happy for her, since she was seemingly able to find someone within like a month after she broke up with me. On the other, I'm really sad... This just further cements the idea that I'll have to go find someone else to be with, instead of getting back together with her down the road. Never mind that OLD doesn't work for me most of the time, and when it does, I only get a single date with someone before they decide to cut off contact, in most situations. In addition, she's been inadvertently reminding me that the last time I had someone really interested in me, to the extent that she is with Dana, is basically never. I can't remember a single time that someone had that strong of a crush on me.

I just don't know what to do Crying

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Datelessman on Thu Feb 21, 2019 11:39 pm

ReploidArmada wrote:So, Katie has a new crush now. Apparently it's someone she works with named Dana, and she's fallen pretty hard for him, from what I've been told. She's been giving him small gifts every day or two since she started having feelings for him, like a rose, a card, some chocolate, etc.

On one hand, I'm happy for her, since she was seemingly able to find someone within like a month after she broke up with me. On the other, I'm really sad... This just further cements the idea that I'll have to go find someone else to be with, instead of getting back together with her down the road. Never mind that OLD doesn't work for me most of the time, and when it does, I only get a single date with someone before they decide to cut off contact, in most situations. In addition, she's been inadvertently reminding me that the last time I had someone really interested in me, to the extent that she is with Dana, is basically never. I can't remember a single time that someone had that strong of a crush on me.

I just don't know what to do Crying

If seeing Katie move in is causing you pain, it may be time to step back a bit from daily interactions or whatnot for your own mental sake. Not to do it in an angry or bitter way, but in a way where you can allow your emotional wounds to heal. It's tough seeing someone you were fond for crush on someone else. Stay in general touch, but there's no need to have to follow their whole courtship, y'know? I'm sure Katie would understand.

Try not to get envious. Envy is ugly and a bad fit on anyone. Katie proved that there are women out there who are into you, and if it hasn't happened yet, that could just mean you have something to look forward too.
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