How do I know if it's real?

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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by reboot on Sat May 23, 2015 11:04 pm

Aggrax wrote:Well, that was an interesting week. The rest of my family went to Vegas for my brothers graduation. I was supposed to go, but couldn't get the time off from work (and based on the week I had at work it was probably for the best that I was there). So I spent the week at home taking care of the dog and the house. It's been an interesting experience, being on my own. It's kind of nice to know that I can take care of myself, get to work and keep the dog alive all on my own..

The sense of self sufficiency and competence. Fix it in your mind for those times you feel that you cannot do anything
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by jcorozza on Sat May 23, 2015 11:09 pm

Just out of curiosity, did you feel less stressed/depressed/anxious/etc. while your family was out of town? More? About the same?
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by Aggrax on Sun May 24, 2015 1:20 am

jcorozza wrote:Just out of curiosity, did you feel less stressed/depressed/anxious/etc. while your family was out of town?  More?  About the same?

I dunno, I guess it kinda evens out. On the one hand I was able to set my own schedule and get things done on my own time, rather than what my parents wanted. At the same time though making sure I was properly taking care of the dog was something I don't usually have to worry about, since she's my brothers dog and he's responsible for most of her care. It took a while for her to adjust to it just being me, so there were issues with her not wanting to come in the house when I needed her too that really annoyed me. First night they were gone she refused to come inside until 3am and would growl at me when I tried to pick her up.

I guess it kinda evens out.
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by Aggrax on Thu May 28, 2015 2:11 am

Hi appointment anxiety! You can stop showing up any time now, that would be great. Really would appreceate not freaking out about all the things I should have done for the past two weeks but didn't. I was kind of enjoying not feeling like a horrible lazy person that secretly feels like he has one foot in the grave and doesn't feel like trying to get out matters any more.
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by reboot on Thu May 28, 2015 2:32 am

Aggrax wrote:Hi appointment anxiety! You can stop showing up any time now, that would be great. Really would appreceate not freaking out about all the things I should have done for the past two weeks but didn't. I was kind of enjoying not feeling like a horrible lazy person that secretly feels like he has one foot in the grave and doesn't feel like trying to get out matters any more.

Write down the things you did do. Trust me, most people only comply with a fraction of what health professionals tell them. If you did anything between appointment 1 and 2 you are ahead of most patients
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by Aggrax on Thu May 28, 2015 3:21 pm

Had a meeting with my therapist today which has helped quite a bit in getting me ready to talk to my doctor tomorrow. His current diagnosis is that I have Dsythemic Depression. We're looking at some long and short term goals I can try to set to get better control of my feelings and my life.
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by reboot on Thu May 28, 2015 3:42 pm

Aggrax wrote:Had a meeting with my therapist today which has helped quite a bit in getting me ready to talk to my doctor tomorrow. His current diagnosis is that I have Dsythemic Depression. We're looking at some long and short term goals I can try to set to get better control of my feelings and my life.

That is great to hear.....well not "great" because depression is never great to have, but as confirmation that no it is not something you are making up great. Way to go having the courage to seek help and keep us posted
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by Werel on Thu May 28, 2015 4:41 pm

Seconded-- really glad to hear you've finally talked to somebody who could confirm it's not in your head. Well, it is in your head, but you know what I mean. Razz Now can you answer the titular question of this thread, yeah?
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by Enail on Thu May 28, 2015 4:43 pm

Oh, glad to hear it seems to be being helpful, and it's good to have a diagnosis. Keep up the great work!
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by jcorozza on Thu May 28, 2015 8:49 pm

Yup, seconding everyone else - while it's not great to have depression, it's much better to have it and know that you do than to have it and not now. Now you can take steps towards making it more manageable (and maybe bring your family around, eventually).
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by Aggrax on Fri Jun 05, 2015 9:48 am

So, last night I stayed late at work because I just didn't feel like going home and spent some time talking with my co-worker. It was an... interesting experience. It started off with her trying to find out if I had a crush on a *different* co-worker and when my response was "God no, she's 17," she attempted to get around my answer by asking if I would date her if, hypothetically, we were the same age. My response to this was that its a creepy hypothetical and I didn't want to answer.

Anyway, we eventually got on to the subject of dating and relationships, with her wanting to know why I have such a knee-jerk adverse reaction to the idea of being in a relationship. My answer was that I was dealing with enough in my life, it wouldn't be fair to another person if I was to start a relationship right now and, since I can't possibly think of myself as attractive, I would just spend the entire time second guessing and undermining the relationship.

It was a really odd discussion, but it did help me articulate some stuff that has been kinda churning in the back of my head half formed, so there's that. Also I started a speardsheet to track my blood sugar, so yay to that ^_^.
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by Aggrax on Wed Aug 19, 2015 6:05 am

Spoiler:
People can't change.

I hate myself and almost everything about my life. But I don't change it. I've been monetarily selfish, getting things I didn't need just because I wanted them, instead of being responsible and saving that money. I've been spotty about taking me medicine, almost never doing mealtime insulin or checking blood sugar, rarely taking pills. I never made an appointment to see a new therapist after I had to stop seeing my last one due to insurance change. I've completely failed at finding a new job, which I've pretty much come to think of as "the next place I'll be fired from." I'm still the looser of the family, the one we just kind of gloss over when someone asks how the kids are doing these days. "Oh, the middle son has a nice paying job that he likes working for a company that really likes having him around." "Our youngest is working a nice, active part time job while going to school." "Our oldest... is still kind of between things." Or, as it translates "He's still alive at least."

I can't even make an easy change, because I'm posting this. I shouldn't be coming here whining, not when everything that's happened is directly cause by me being an irresponsible, lazy, stupid person that couldn't find the right path of a straight stretch of road. I told myself to stop posting in this thread and to not post much in other threads unless I *really* had something to add (which most of the time I don't). I can't be counted on to change unless I've been forced to.

Don't respond to this. Don't reply, send me PMs or acknowledge that I wrote this in any way. The only possible hope is if my environment can be structured to force me to change. If I see replies I'm going to respond to this again and never be able to break this cycle of pity party masturbation I've built up. I spoiler'd the rant I wrote because this is the important part of the post. Read the rant if you really want to, but it's just more of my usual whiny crap. Again, don't respond to this.
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by Werel on Wed Aug 19, 2015 6:25 am

Respond to what? I don't see anything here. Razz
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by reboot on Wed Aug 19, 2015 9:18 am

Werel wrote:Respond to what? I don't see anything here. Razz

Nope, nothing at all. Must have been a glitch that red highlighted the post.
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Re: How do I know if it's real?

Post by Aggrax on Sun Aug 23, 2015 5:32 pm

I find it ridiculous that my blood sugar today is the best it's been in a year, because I ran long acting insulin last Thursday and can't get any more until Monday at least. So I've spent the last few days eating as little as possible to avoid any problems.
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