I lost my boyfriend to an arranged marriage

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I lost my boyfriend to an arranged marriage Empty I lost my boyfriend to an arranged marriage

Post by IHaveToes on Mon Feb 02, 2015 11:14 am

I was dating R for a little over a year. We've basically been living together, although I have my own place. He's from south India (from a tradition family). We were getting really serious and were going to tell his parents soon and start the process of making our relationship more permanent.

We both knew this was coming, but we thought we had more time. On Wednesday his father called to tell him that he had arranged a marriage. R tried arguing back and was told that if he didn't agree to the marriage he shouldn't come home. He tried telling them about me (probably bad idea, might have at least gotten out of the marriage if he hadn't) and was told that if he stayed with me they would kill themselves (I don't think they would, they have another son). He wanted to tell me on Thursday night, but didn't really want to. He tried leaving early the next morning and just leaving a note, but he couldn't do it and ended up crawling back into bed. On Friday afternoon he came over to my place while I was just getting out of class, so I rushed over to his place. I knew something was up, but my mind flew in the complete opposite direction. He broke down in tears as I walked in and handed me the note. I left, but it was so sudden that I asked him for one last night together. So we spent Friday night together and Saturday morning trying to come up with a solution. He ended up asking me to leave so he could call his parents. I left him a letter, telling him that I'll always love him even after I move on. He send me a text later on Saturday to tell me that he had agreed to the marriage and not to expect him to come back to me. That was the last time I heard from him.

I have been trying to keep busy with friends, and trying to let the emotions come when they come. Writing down my feelings has helped when it gets really bad. I went to drop off his key and grab a plant and some kitchen things that I had forgotten on Saturday. He knew I was coming, so I thought he would have left early, but he was in the shower when I got there. I didn't want to wait any longer to I grabbed my stuff put the key on his desk and left before he finished. So at least now it's officially over.

Any advice for moving on? Jedi hugs? Similar stories?

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Post by reboot on Mon Feb 02, 2015 11:45 am

Jedi hugs for sure!

I have some friends who have similar stories. Your outcome is not uncommon when dating someone who has an arranged marriage planned. The pressure to go through with the marriage is very intense and it is relatively rare for people to defy their parents on this, especially if the parents are in any way providing financial support, if the partner is an only or oldest son, or if there are sisters who are not yet married (in some cultures a broken engagement screws all the siblings). Like any break up, time will heal the hurt and you will move on.

Until then, take care of yourself!
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Post by Enail on Mon Feb 02, 2015 11:56 am

Oh man, IHaveToes, so many Jedi hugs. I wish I had some advice other than the standard be kind to yourself, try to find some good things in your life to focus on, but it sounds like you're doing all that already, so all I can say is many hugs.
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Post by Caffeinated on Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:51 pm

All the jedi hugs. That sounds so hard.
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Post by Autumnflame on Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:08 pm

No similar stories (the closest is probably losing an ex because of commitment issues + him falling for his FWB), but all the sympathies, Toes. :< Have a username-appropriate cute GIF.

I lost my boyfriend to an arranged marriage Tumblr_ndmgofeck91s02vreo2_250
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Post by Werel on Mon Feb 02, 2015 9:34 pm

Gosh, no advice to give, just huge Jedi hugs. That sounds awful. Sad
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Post by Guest on Tue Feb 03, 2015 6:42 am

Makes me wonder what my folks would do if I ever were to be with someone they didn't approve of.

Man, I wouldn't wish an arranged marriage on anyone. Especially not after having watched my parents' relationship and now my sister's....

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Post by skullbearer on Sat Feb 07, 2015 10:25 am

Man, the same thing happened to my mum- at least your guy was honest about it, my mother's boyfriend kept her hanging when he went back and forth to India to be with his wife; only stopped when she turned up on his doorstep. Arsehole.

So many hugs, he sounded like a good guy Sad
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