Cold Approaching Still Blows [disc/rant]

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Post by Guest on Thu Feb 05, 2015 3:53 am

I couldn't think of anywhere else to put this, so I put this thread here.

Today was my sister's 27th birthday and the fam and I took a trip to Los Angeles, after visiting The Getty, we headed to Santa Monica. While we were outside the arcade there (if you're familiar with the Pier), a dude walked up toy sister and said "Stop being so cute!" He could have been speaking to someone else, but I didn't see anyone nearby...

I'll be honest I could tell my sister felt a little weirded out and it creeped me the fuck out, or at least made feel very awkward too. And for better context, this was also in broad daylight and this dude seemed like a normal dude and said it in a light and friendly tone. He was dressed like he'd gotten done on a

I... Uh, I dunno. It was so weird it made me uncomfortable and I'm not an easy guy to creep out. Maybe the fact that he didn't introduce himself is what made it kinda weird for me? Which got me to thinking "Is that what I sound like when I'm 'flirting'? Is this REALLY what I want to make girls feel?" So, maybe approaching really isn't for me.

What are your guys' thoughts?

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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Feb 05, 2015 4:48 am

Run some thought-experiments, maybe. Would you have felt as creeped out if he'd phrased it differently? If he'd commented on something besides her being "cute"?

'Cause for me, the tone doesn't really make a difference when it's (1) a stranger saying something that is (2) phrased as a command. The face value of the statement implies that he has some kind of right to dictate what the other person does or doesn't do. (Or in this case, is or isn't.) The undertone is softer in meaning, but carries a level of implied familiarity that hasn't been earned.

My sister likes vests. She looks fine and dapper in 'em too. It hasn't happened, as far as I know, but in my thought-experiment, some random well-dressed dude walks past me and my sister on the street, then turns around and says, "oh, that's a cool vest!" and I don't know about her but I don't think I'd be creeped out.
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Post by Jayce on Thu Feb 05, 2015 5:23 am

Well if she was with you and your parents it would be normal to be weird-ed out. There's a time and place for everything and he's breaking the contextual rules. If it was just you and your sister, I would feel that it would be normal.

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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Feb 05, 2015 5:35 am

If she was with me and my parents that would be weird, yes, but that is partly because she is still a bit underage and partly because my parents would be fucking weird about it. My dad would tease her relentlessly to make sure she feels embarrassed instead of having a choice to feel flattered or offended. My mom would roll her eyes at my dad trying to show sympathy, but would not actually do anything to help the situation.

But that's me. That's why I'm curious how Mikey thinks he would feel if minor (or major) contextual details were altered.
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Post by reboot on Thu Feb 05, 2015 9:02 am

The Mikey wrote:I couldn't think of anywhere else to put this, so I put this thread here.

Today was my sister's 27th birthday and the fam and I took a trip to Los Angeles, after visiting The Getty, we headed to Santa Monica. While we were outside the arcade there (if you're familiar with the Pier), a dude walked up toy sister and said "Stop being so cute!" He could have been speaking to someone else, but I didn't see anyone nearby...

I'll be honest I could tell my sister felt a little weirded out and it creeped me the fuck out, or at least made feel very awkward too. And for better context, this was also in broad daylight and this dude seemed like a normal dude and said it in a light and friendly tone. He was dressed like he'd gotten done on a

I... Uh, I dunno. It was so weird it made me uncomfortable and I'm not an easy guy to creep out. Maybe the fact that he didn't introduce himself is what made it kinda weird for me? Which got me to thinking "Is that what I sound like when I'm 'flirting'? Is this REALLY what I want to make girls feel?" So, maybe approaching really isn't for me.

What are your guys' thoughts?

My guess is it was something in his tone or in his body language that made some what innocuous words (although anything that sounds like a command to a stranger is a bit of a faux pas and might fall into "Smile!" territory - so not so innocuous maybe) sound and feel off. Especially if he made no effort to talk to her before or after. This sounds more cat call like.

And Mikey, from what you say on here, you are probably the last person who would walk up to a stranger and say something about how you find them attractive without prior conversation or even knowing their name. So no, that is not what you sound like when you flirt. As for how women feel when you flirt, I assume most have your name before you start and even more know you well enough to say, "Shut up, Mikey"
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Post by BasedBuzzed on Thu Feb 05, 2015 10:26 am

It sounds very cringe. I can't imagine "stop being so cute" working without sounding sarcastic, clueless or affected and that being the charming quality(from liking the type of humour to finding the approach adorable).

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Post by Guest on Thu Feb 05, 2015 2:22 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:Run some thought-experiments, maybe. Would you have felt as creeped out if he'd phrased it differently? If he'd commented on something besides her being "cute"?

'Cause for me, the tone doesn't really make a difference when it's (1) a stranger saying something that is (2) phrased as a command. The face value of the statement implies that he has some kind of right to dictate what the other person does or doesn't do. (Or in this case, is or isn't.) The undertone is softer in meaning, but carries a level of implied familiarity that hasn't been earned.

My sister likes vests. She looks fine and dapper in 'em too. It hasn't happened, as far as I know, but in my thought-experiment, some random well-dressed dude walks past me and my sister on the street, then turns around and says, "oh, that's a cool vest!" and I don't know about her but I don't think I'd be creeped out.

If he had at least introduced himself, the interaction prolly wouldn't have been as weird in my own thought experiment. My sister is a grown woman (27 y/o), the only difference is she's really really short, a good 11-inches shorter than me.

But I think what it comes down to is knowing who your sibling is, my sister is rather introverted too and doesn't speak to just anyone. Or maybe because she was we us did she get a little weirded out.

Jayce wrote:Well if she was with you and your parents it would be normal to be weird-ed out. There's a time and place for everything and he's breaking the contextual rules. If it was just you and your sister, I would feel that it would be normal.

If it was just me and my sister I'd still find it weird as hell. Whether or not she chooses to interact is up to her, to me, I found the interaction off-putting.

nearly_takuan wrote:But that's me. That's why I'm curious how Mikey thinks he would feel if minor (or major) contextual details were altered.

One way or another I still find it kinda odd. Probably because I'm more inclined to keeping to myself and not bothering people unless I absolutely have to.

reboot wrote:
My guess is it was something in his tone or in his body language that made some what innocuous words (although anything that sounds like a command to a stranger is a bit of a faux pas and might fall into "Smile!" territory - so not so innocuous maybe) sound and feel off. Especially if he made no effort to talk to her before or after. This sounds more cat call like.

And Mikey, from what you say on here, you are probably the last person who would walk up to a stranger and say something about how you find them attractive without prior conversation or even knowing their name. So no, that is not what you sound like when you flirt. As for how women feel when you flirt, I assume most have your name before you start and even more know you well enough to say, "Shut up, Mikey"

It definitely felt like it was in "Smile!"-territory, fuck that noise. This dude looked like he was finishing a run, so track pants and t-shirt, he sounded like he was trying to be friendly and his body language wasn't weird or creepy, he wasn't hunched over or anything. His back was straight, looked totally normal. There was no real effort (that I could see) to talk to my sister before he said that...

I don't know if it was or if it could have been considered a cat-call. If it was a legit cat-call, believe me, he'd gotten a firm ass beating from me, my sister and my dad.

They know me well enough to say, "Stooop!" And I stop. Razz Or if I could see them flinch, I'll tone it way down and say "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." And most touch I do is pretty innocuous and its a lot of light poking into their arm.

BasedBuzzed wrote:It sounds very cringe. I can't imagine "stop being so cute" working without sounding sarcastic, clueless or affected and that being the charming quality(from liking the type of humour to finding the approach adorable).  

Wow so cringe omg. /doge

I could only find myself dropping that line if I was having an already rather banter-y conversation beforehand and even so, it'd be in a jokingly sarcastic way. I'm of the belief that one needs to kinda match the personality/energy of certain people at certain points while reverting back to yourself.

I was talking a friend/co-worker of mine and we were kinda bantering back & forth and I don't remember what the hell it was I said that she said something funny & gross. I found myself saying "Cute, that's real cute" in a totally sarcastic tone and she was laughing her butt off at my reaction. Razz So, I think that could work if my sister and this other guy knew each other already and making it not so weird. Maybe?


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Post by kleenestar on Thu Feb 05, 2015 2:40 pm

I absolutely use the line "Stop being so [cute / wonderful / amazing]" - but I only use it with people that I already have a relationship with, who know that I am not actually giving them an order. Phrasing his first interaction with her as a command comes off as deeply creepy to me. It's not the line or the fact that it's a cold approach - it's the two together.
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Post by eselle28 on Thu Feb 05, 2015 3:06 pm

That sounds off in a couple of ways. "Stop being so cute!" is one of those things that only makes sense to say if you know the person. It's awkward when said to a stranger, and I'm not even sure what the person the comment is aimed at can say in reply.

It's also pretty awkward to cold approach someone who's hanging out as a part of a family unit. It's sort of like hitting on someone who's obviously at a business lunch or who already appears to be on a date - there's almost no chance that the person you're speaking to wants to divert their attention from the people they're currently with to speak to you. Cold approaching someone who appears to be with friends or who's alone but not otherwise occupied seems a lot less awkward.
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Post by Caffeinated on Thu Feb 05, 2015 4:25 pm

It's funny, to me that line sounds a lot like the examples of flirtatious banter in some of DNL's articles. And it sounds like this is an example of how much context matters in how something comes across.
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Post by Dan_Brodribb on Thu Feb 05, 2015 7:09 pm

The Mikey wrote:
I... Uh, I dunno. It was so weird it made me uncomfortable and I'm not an easy guy to creep out. Maybe the fact that he didn't introduce himself is what made it kinda weird for me? Which got me to thinking "Is that what I sound like when I'm 'flirting'? Is this REALLY what I want to make girls feel?" So, maybe approaching really isn't for me.


if you decide approaching isn't for you, that's totally fine.

This seems like a strange basis for that decision though. Quitting approaching because someone else did an ineffective job is like refusing to get your drivers' license because you saw a stranger back into your sister's car.

If I was pro-approach (and I am), I would point out another way to look at it: Unless I misread your post, it was an unpleasant experience, but it's also one you and your sister can handle and put behind you. "Uncomfortable and unpleasant" is not the same as "traumatized forever." So even if YOU were to make a bad approach, chances are, you wouldn't shatter some poor woman's psyche like a dropped teacup.

Learning to approach is learning to trust. Trusting yourself, your ability to learn, and your commitment to the best behaviour you're capable of. And trusting the other person to be able to assert their boundaries and their ability to handle their own emotions.

Whether you're approacher or approachee, those things don't come overnight, but we do get there with time and practice.

Like I said though, if approaching is something you don't feel willing or capable of doing, you don't have to do it. And I don't think you owe yourself or anybody else an explanation, an excuse, or a justification as to why. People go their whole lives without hitting on a stranger and remain perfectly complete and worthy human beings. So whatever your choice and whatever your reasons you can hold your head high.

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Post by Guest on Thu Feb 05, 2015 9:11 pm

Dan_Brodribb wrote:
The Mikey wrote:
I... Uh, I dunno. It was so weird it made me uncomfortable and I'm not an easy guy to creep out. Maybe the fact that he didn't introduce himself is what made it kinda weird for me? Which got me to thinking "Is that what I sound like when I'm 'flirting'? Is this REALLY what I want to make girls feel?" So, maybe approaching really isn't for me.


if you decide approaching isn't for you, that's totally fine.

This seems like a strange basis for that decision though. Quitting approaching because someone else did an ineffective job is like refusing to get your drivers' license because you saw a stranger back into your sister's car.

If I was pro-approach (and I am), I would point out another way to look at it: Unless I misread your post, it was an unpleasant experience, but it's also one you and your sister can handle and put behind you. "Uncomfortable and unpleasant" is not the same as "traumatized forever." So even if YOU were to make a bad approach, chances are, you wouldn't shatter some poor woman's psyche like a dropped teacup.

Learning to approach is learning to trust. Trusting yourself, your ability to learn, and your commitment to the best behaviour you're capable of. And trusting the other person to be able to assert their boundaries and their ability to handle their own emotions.

Whether you're approacher or approachee, those things don't come overnight, but we do get there with time and practice.

Like I said though, if approaching is something you don't feel willing or capable of doing, you don't have to do it. And I don't think you owe yourself or anybody else an explanation, an excuse, or a justification as to why. People go their whole lives without hitting on a stranger and remain perfectly complete and worthy human beings. So whatever your choice and whatever your reasons you can hold your head high.

I don't want to but it feels like a thing I have to be able to do. Like it's almost been hammered into my head that as a man I can't sit around and wait for them to come to me. Obviously I have to act if I wanna get anywhere, just random cold approaches terrify me and again, don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable on top of my own silly fears of rejection.

-shrug-

So, I'm between Scylla and Charybdis. D:

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Post by kleenestar on Thu Feb 05, 2015 9:17 pm

Let me anti-hammer with data!! The vast majority of Americans (you are American, yes?) meet dates through shared social context - school, work, hobbies, religious organizations - or by being introduced through friends. If you have to choose between getting good at cold approach and getting good at other types of relationship-building, the smart money should always go for the latter. I understand that there are cultural messages telling you that you can't wait around and therefore must cold approach, but maybe it helps to hear clearly that the former does not imply the latter. If you don't want to wait around, cold approaching is not your only choice - and if you want to be more approachable by women, we can help both with the practicalities and with helping you resist the bullshit cultural messages you're getting.

Related: I think you're awesome. I've watched you grow so much over the past couple of years and I'm really glad to know you, even virtually.
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Post by Conreezy on Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:01 am

kleenestar wrote:Let me anti-hammer with data!! The vast majority of Americans (you are American, yes?) meet dates through shared social context - school, work, hobbies, religious organizations - or by being introduced through friends. If you have to choose between getting good at cold approach and getting good at other types of relationship-building, the smart money should always go for the latter. I understand that there are cultural messages telling you that you can't wait around and therefore must cold approach, but maybe it helps to hear clearly that the former does not imply the latter. If you don't want to wait around, cold approaching is not your only choice - and if you want to be more approachable by women, we can help both with the practicalities and with helping you resist the bullshit cultural messages you're getting.

Related: I think you're awesome. I've watched you grow so much over the past couple of years and I'm really glad to know you, even virtually.

Yeah, why the focus on cold approaches? I'm glad Kleenestar's data backs me up, because it's been my experience that cold approaches do not produce very positive results when they work at all. Social circles are much better for meeting people.

Does this incident make you feel reluctant to try and make a friendly acquaintance into something more for fear of bringing on discomfort?

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Post by Guest on Fri Feb 06, 2015 5:42 am

kleenestar wrote:Let me anti-hammer with data!! The vast majority of Americans (you are American, yes?) meet dates through shared social context - school, work, hobbies, religious organizations - or by being introduced through friends. If you have to choose between getting good at cold approach and getting good at other types of relationship-building, the smart money should always go for the latter. I understand that there are cultural messages telling you that you can't wait around and therefore must cold approach, but maybe it helps to hear clearly that the former does not imply the latter. If you don't want to wait around, cold approaching is not your only choice - and if you want to be more approachable by women, we can help both with the practicalities and with helping you resist the bullshit cultural messages you're getting.

Related: I think you're awesome. I've watched you grow so much over the past couple of years and I'm really glad to know you, even virtually.

Yes, ma'am, I am indeed 'Murican. :3

Meeting a potential partner at school, hobbies or religious organizations is okay in my opinion. At work... personally, I consider meeting your potential partner at work as a heavy risk. But that's another topic for another day. Razz

In other words, being good at cold-approaches doesn't mean you're good at building and maintaining relationships, am I correct so far? Because to me, making friends in particular places and interacting with people (also in certain places) is pretty easy. It only really falls apart for me when a cute girl I like enters the picture, but I also need to mention that I've spoken to attractive strangers no problem before too but only because they're not exactly my "type".

If I'm not making sense... let me know. Razz

And also, thanks Kleenestar. :3 You're also super awesome yourself too and way smarte/clever than I ever will be. So I too am glad and proud to say that I know a lovely mother who can pass along her wisdom to her daughter and any other kids in the future. Razz

Conreezy wrote:
Yeah, why the focus on cold approaches?  I'm glad Kleenestar's data backs me up, because it's been my experience that cold approaches do not produce very positive results when they work at all.  Social circles are much better for meeting people.

Does this incident make you feel reluctant to try and make a friendly acquaintance into something more for fear of bringing on discomfort?

Because I see a lot of girls out there whom, I want to talk to a lot, get to know a little more and maybe date. Particularly the geeky/nerdy girls (there's a lady at work, who's daughter works upstairs from me, total nerd too, but shy :3 Although I don't think she likes me much, might be my hair Razz). But that's a long process which I don't have a problem with too much. Trust me, I've tried to expand my social circle and date within it, but that has backfired on me more than once. D:

This incident makes me feel like a gorram fool (at worst cringe at myself) for tryna to even improve the cold approach on top of bringing discomfort.

Besides, making a friendly acquaintance isn't too difficult, I've done so with students that walk into work; but it is a little more difficult with someone whom I'm attracted to (especially with students at work D:). It's one of those where I gotta find a balance between being friendly and flirty, yet can't recognize when I'm being either/or.

eselle28 wrote:That sounds off in a couple of ways. "Stop being so cute!" is one of those things that only makes sense to say if you know the person. It's awkward when said to a stranger, and I'm not even sure what the person the comment is aimed at can say in reply.

It's also pretty awkward to cold approach someone who's hanging out as a part of a family unit. It's sort of like hitting on someone who's obviously at a business lunch or who already appears to be on a date - there's almost no chance that the person you're speaking to wants to divert their attention from the people they're currently with to speak to you. Cold approaching someone who appears to be with friends or who's alone but not otherwise occupied seems a lot less awkward.

In this case, my sister. She was definitely weirded out and kept on walking, and was like "Wtf?" My parents were also like "Wtf is this dude's problem?"

Alone and friend group cold approach, I will agree doesn't seem as weird. I've done the former a few times in an effort to say "Hello! I'm Mikey, who are you? ^ -^"

Caffeinated wrote:It's funny, to me that line sounds a lot like the examples of flirtatious banter in some of DNL's articles. And it sounds like this is an example of how much context matters in how something comes across.

I thought it was a very odd line to drop with no previous interaction. And you're gorram right it has to do with context!

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Post by Jayce on Fri Feb 06, 2015 7:42 am

I don't see anything wrong with your hair. It's like 2 times better than mine, (like literally. I visited a hair loss clinic a week ago and they said I had around 70% hair loss, pretty bad for a 19 year old like me). Be proud that you have a full head of hair and can still use it to a high potential!

Some fears are really really hard to conquer. I'm really afraid of heights. I try to calm myself and think its ridiculous that I feel unsafe in an elevator with clear windows on the side. But sometimes I still feel scared.

I was afraid of talking to people in general, let alone people I'm interested in as well, but I've managed that fear a lot better than heights.

One of my favourite quotes from the Matrix is : "I can only show you the door, you're the one who has to walk through it."

There's information out there like the Doc's blog, advice from friends, this forum etc.. about how to be less afraid around people you like, and I think you know some of that advice already. You just really got to start applying it now.

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Post by Guest on Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:25 pm

Jayce wrote:I don't see anything wrong with your hair. It's like 2 times better than mine, (like literally. I visited a hair loss clinic a week ago and they said I had around 70% hair loss, pretty bad for a 19 year old like me). Be proud that you have a full head of hair and can still use it to a high potential!

My attempt at humor seems to have failed huehuehuehue

No, my hair isn't exactly the problem, the problem (I think) is that I may appear intimidating. Seriously, I'm a big dude -- 5'11" (maybe 6'), 250ish~ lbs. -- and maybe my stature makes me a little scary. But you'll find out very quickly I'm big softie most of the time. I'm a huge dork (both figuratively and literally) whether or not I look like a million bucks, I'm still gonna make terribly goofy jokes and references. I adore my hair because I can do a lot of stuff with it, it makes me happy. :3

Jayce wrote:
Some fears are really really hard to conquer. I'm really afraid of heights. I try to calm myself and think its ridiculous that I feel unsafe in an elevator with clear windows on the side. But sometimes I still feel scared.

I was afraid of talking to people in general, let alone people I'm interested in as well, but I've managed that fear a lot better than heights.

One of my favourite quotes from the Matrix is : "I can only show you the door, you're the one who has to walk through it."

There's information out there like the Doc's blog, advice from friends, this forum etc.. about how to be less afraid around people you like, and I think you know some of that advice already. You just really got to start applying it now.

Heh, I'm the opposite. If I fall from super high up, at least the death is quick & painless. Razz

And if we're going through that door analogy, then I'm stuck in the door frame. D: Honestly, there's so much stuff out there I don't know where to start, I know I have to make a move and speak to the person I'm attracted to, I've done that plenty of times after I've already been kinda sorta introduced already. That's not hard. What is hard is the cold approach, do not want (or at least not without some semblance of WTF I'm doing, which I usually don't but wing it anyway). I don't want to make an ass of myself, let alone make the other person feel uncomfortable. I've had in my head simmering for a long time a script that goes a little like what the Doc once said: "Hi, I know this is a little awkward and I don't do this often, but I really wanted to meet you, are you friendly?"

My boss (of all people lol) told me to just ask questions and when they see I'm a normal dude not trying to pounce on them, I should be okay.

But, ugh, it still makes me uncomfortable on top of my fear of rejection. I seriously need to find a way to get over those two fears.

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Post by Prajnaparamita on Fri Feb 06, 2015 8:17 pm

The Mikey wrote:I couldn't think of anywhere else to put this, so I put this thread here.

Today was my sister's 27th birthday and the fam and I took a trip to Los Angeles, after visiting The Getty, we headed to Santa Monica. While we were outside the arcade there (if you're familiar with the Pier), a dude walked up toy sister and said "Stop being so cute!" He could have been speaking to someone else, but I didn't see anyone nearby...

I... Uh, I dunno. It was so weird it made me uncomfortable and I'm not an easy guy to creep out. Maybe the fact that he didn't introduce himself is what made it kinda weird for me? Which got me to thinking "Is that what I sound like when I'm 'flirting'? Is this REALLY what I want to make girls feel?" So, maybe approaching really isn't for me.

What are your guys' thoughts?

Wow, you just get the darndest catcalls on the Pier, don't you? My personal all time favorite is the time a man came up to me and said "You are a goddess of the sun, a beautiful, radiant, shining sun goddess" and when I didn't immediately respond gave me some version of "what, can't take a compliment bitch?"

Well I'm a little sad to hear that the trend in Santa Monica these days is moving from creative imagery to PUA-ish attempts to establish dominance from the first interaction (and yes I agree with others, that's a line that could be cute with people you already know and feel free to tease but really weird coming from a stranger) I would like to reassure you that I don't even know and yet I highly doubt you come off like that when flirting at all. See, that kind of aggressive, borderline cat-calling, ignoring other social cues (like that she was with family) "flirting" comes from a place of being really inconsiderate of others. And if anything your continuing concern for how you come across to others suggests that you are anything but.

And ultimately, as kleenestar put it, whether or not you choose to cold-approach doesn't mean anything about whether or not you'll find relationships and meet people. Its good to occasionally check your behaviors and think about how you come off to others, I don't think this is an area in which you need to worry.

Now I need to go enroll myself in a remedial dominatrixing crash course immediately. I can't believe I've gotten so rusty than when a man calls me a goddess I hesitate for even a second in ordering him to his knees.
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Post by Guest on Fri Feb 06, 2015 9:19 pm

Prajnaparamita wrote:
Wow, you just get the darndest catcalls on the Pier, don't you? My personal all time favorite is the time a man came up to me and said "You are a goddess of the sun, a beautiful, radiant, shining sun goddess" and when I didn't immediately respond gave me some version of "what, can't take a compliment bitch?"

Eesh, he was being creative at first. Although to be honest, if I had said that I would have replied to your silence with "I thought it was funny" in a goofy voice South Park-esque voice. Razz

Prajnaparamita wrote:
Well I'm a little sad to hear that the trend in Santa Monica these days is moving from creative imagery to PUA-ish attempts to establish dominance from the first interaction (and yes I agree with others, that's a line that could be cute with people you already know and feel free to tease but really weird coming from a stranger) I would like to reassure you that I don't even know and yet I highly doubt you come off like that when flirting at all. See, that kind of aggressive, borderline cat-calling, ignoring other social cues (like that she was with family) "flirting" comes from a place of being really inconsiderate of others. And if anything your continuing concern for how you come across to others suggests that you are anything but.

Unfortunately, I was born a man so I don't get to see/hear first hand what happens with women out there on the Pier. To be honest, I don't know what the conditions were like beforehand, either it sucks to hear that it's going that way. :\

Oh yay, I'm glad to hear that I'm probably not as weird or creepy as I think I am. Grin

Prajnaparamita wrote:
And ultimately, as kleenestar put it, whether or not you choose to cold-approach doesn't mean anything about whether or not you'll find relationships and meet people. Its good to occasionally check your behaviors and think about how you come off to others, I don't think this is an area in which you need to worry.

So are you and kleenestar tryna say that I'll find someone when I find someone? Because I've been looking and found people but ultimately I guess weren't right for me, which still broke my heart because no matter what, they still mattered to me.

Prajnaparamita wrote:
Now I need to go enroll myself in a remedial dominatrixing crash course immediately. I can't believe I've gotten so rusty than when a man calls me a goddess I hesitate for even a second in ordering him to his knees.

Hehehe, doms and subs. I'm not into BDSM much, but I am into kinky other stuff. I'll be honest, I don't think I'd be able to be a sub (though a dom is more likely) unless my dom were a woman I'm absolutely and crazy in love with. :3

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Post by Prajnaparamita on Fri Feb 06, 2015 10:23 pm

The Mikey wrote:
Prajnaparamita wrote:
Wow, you just get the darndest catcalls on the Pier, don't you? My personal all time favorite is the time a man came up to me and said "You are a goddess of the sun, a beautiful, radiant, shining sun goddess" and when I didn't immediately respond gave me some version of "what, can't take a compliment bitch?"

Eesh, he was being creative at first. Although to be honest, if I had said that I would have replied to your silence with "I thought it was funny" in a goofy voice South Park-esque voice. Razz

Well, it is awfully forward to the point of almost sounding like you're mocking the person, or just trying to see if you can get a reaction out of them. Though I have to say I like your recovery a lot better.

The Mikey wrote:
Unfortunately, I was born a man so I don't get to see/hear first hand what happens with women out there on the Pier. To be honest, I don't know what the conditions were like beforehand, either it sucks to hear that it's going that way. :\


Haha, I was just kidding, I don't actually spend that much time on the Pier (I live in New England, but my mom does a lot of work in Santa Monica, and when she can she'll use frequent flier miles to bring me along) and I actually find Santa Monica to be a very safe city--I've played on the slides in the playground in the Tongva Park or watched the lights on the ferris wheel from the beach at 4 am when I haven't been able to sleep from jet lag. It all feels very clean, open, and well-lit and I could get help if I needed it. Not that its perfect in any way (I think a lot of that comes from all the super rich people not wanting to have to deal with any unattractive riff-raff) but its far from the worst place I've ever been.

The Mikey wrote:
Oh yay, I'm glad to hear that I'm probably not as weird or creepy as I think I am. Grin

Yeeeahhh, I think that goes for a lot of us... Its a bit of an ego crusher, but most people spend just about as much time thinking about us as we do about them--very little, that is. The thing that you accidentally blurted out that you know came out totally weird and awkward and ruined the mood? Probably didn't even enter their short term memory. So even though its easy for me to say, you don't need to spend so much time analyzing things honestly.

The Mikey wrote:
So are you and kleenestar tryna say that I'll find someone when I find someone? Because I've been looking and found people but ultimately I guess weren't right for me, which still broke my heart because no matter what, they still mattered to me.

Ummm, maybe? I'm sorry. I don't want to come off as trite or fatalistic here, but... Sometimes that's just what happens. I had years and years of unrequited crushes and attractions that went nowhere, I stumbled on this student-run philosophy club in an empty classroom on the weekend, and after the discussion this guy came up to me and asked if I would be willing to send him the link to an article I mentioned. And that's just how it happened--we met over a common interest and continued the conversation. I don't at all think you should take that as you ought to leave it all up to fate--I think learning skills for making spontaneous interactions go smoothly will help when you have those moments, so that connection that is waiting to happen does happen.
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Post by Guest on Sat Feb 07, 2015 12:05 am

Prajnaparamita wrote:
Well, it is awfully forward to the point of almost sounding like you're mocking the person, or just trying to see if you can get a reaction out of them. Though I have to say I like your recovery a lot better.

For me it'd be an experiment in how long I can keep going while making my voice sound more and more ridiculous with every word I utter. Razz I'm also glad you liked my recovery more. ^ -^


Prajnaparamita wrote:
Yeeeahhh, I think that goes for a lot of us... Its a bit of an ego crusher, but most people spend just about as much time thinking about us as we do about them--very little, that is. The thing that you accidentally blurted out that you know came out totally weird and awkward and ruined the mood? Probably didn't even enter their short term memory. So even though its easy for me to say, you don't need to spend so much time analyzing things honestly.

An ego crusher would be thinking ill of me, them NOT thinking of me would be a relief, if nothing more. Razz I should prolly ease up on the analyzing, but I will apologize or take things back if I say something stupid or weird.

Prajnaparamita wrote:
Ummm, maybe? I'm sorry. I don't want to come off as trite or fatalistic here, but... Sometimes that's just what happens. I had years and years of unrequited crushes and attractions that went nowhere, I stumbled on this student-run philosophy club in an empty classroom on the weekend, and after the discussion this guy came up to me and asked if I would be willing to send him the link to an article I mentioned. And that's just how it happened--we met over a common interest and continued the conversation. I don't at all think you should take that as you ought to leave it all up to fate--I think learning skills for making spontaneous interactions go smoothly will help when you have those moments, so that connection that is waiting to happen does happen.

Dude, I've had dozens of those types of encounters that got nowhere fast, "Oh hey, what was the $thing you were talking about? I'm Mikey, etc". Razz It's pretty discouraging to sit on my ass and wait, seems rather counter-productive to what I want because I have improved a lot, but also a lot of what I know I learned from observation and previous interactions. No, I'm not a master at interpersonal communication, but I like to think I'm pretty good at it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not socially awkward, nor do I get social anxiety much... I just can't bring my attraction forward sometimes. Which then brings me full circle: can't tell them because it's weird > can't tell them because they'll feel weird and be weird towards me > they won't want to be my friend anymore because I'm attracted to them (rejection D:) > but I can speak to them fine, so what's the problem? > i'll still be their friend it's okay > let's ask them out instead > no, I can't tell them because it's weird... and so on.

So, I dunno. On top of all that, well, I dunno where to meet girls that aren't paired-up and my age (and like me).

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Post by ReploidArmada on Sun Feb 08, 2015 12:48 am

The Mikey wrote:I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not socially awkward, nor do I get social anxiety much... I just can't bring my attraction forward sometimes. Which then brings me full circle: can't tell them because it's weird > can't tell them because they'll feel weird and be weird towards me > they won't want to be my friend anymore because I'm attracted to them (rejection D:) > but I can speak to them fine, so what's the problem? > i'll still be their friend it's okay > let's ask them out instead > no, I can't tell them because it's weird... and so on.

So, I dunno. On top of all that, well, I dunno where to meet girls that aren't paired-up and my age (and like me).

I do still have some social anxiety, so I'm not *entirely* in the same place as you, but dear Zarquon do I fall into that cycle way too often. I feel like I become attracted too easily, in part out of desperation because I've had literally no romantic or sexual contact or experience, but I'm always too timid and shy to ask the lady of my attraction out on a date or such. As a direct result, by the time I do ask said lady if she'd like to spend some time together, my hopes are extremely high - and then they inevitably get dashed on the rocks of despair, when she tells me she's already seeing someone. Like seriously, this has happened several times in a row now, and I'm sick of it Crying

I'm trying to keep my chin up, and my eyes dry, but... Sometimes I can feel what hope I can cling to slip away.

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Post by Guest on Sun Feb 08, 2015 3:42 am

ReploidArmada wrote:
I do still have some social anxiety, so I'm not *entirely* in the same place as you, but dear Zarquon do I fall into that cycle way too often. I feel like I become attracted too easily, in part out of desperation because I've had literally no romantic or sexual contact or experience, but I'm always too timid and shy to ask the lady of my attraction out on a date or such. As a direct result, by the time I do ask said lady if she'd like to spend some time together, my hopes are extremely high - and then they inevitably get dashed on the rocks of despair, when she tells me she's already seeing someone. Like seriously, this has happened several times in a row now, and I'm sick of it Crying

I'm trying to keep my chin up, and my eyes dry, but... Sometimes I can feel what hope I can cling to slip away.

I become attracted too easily too, sometimes. A lot of it is just lust for me, which depending on who you ask is bad and makes me feel like an asshole and makes things a little more difficult for me. I've had no romantic or sexual contact/experience either (very little romantic), but I'm winging it and sometimes that's all you need. But I'm right there as well in that, I'm too shy and timid. But the truth? I don't want to get my own feelings hurt through rejection as well as get made fun of, nor make the other person feel weird. I *know* it can be flattering for the other person, but that's only happened a few times in my life, otherwise the other few times my attraction did leak out it was met with "Eww". Huh.

Oh well, I don't have any other bit of advice aside from living regardless of what our relationship status may be.

Why do you think I want to go teach abroad? That's not gonna solve my girl problems, but will get me far away enough from them that I won't need to deal with them for some time. Razz

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Post by OneTrueGuest on Sun Feb 08, 2015 2:01 pm

Hate to break it to you The Mikey, but we women are everywhere.  Even in other countries.

And if you fall in lust/love so often, I don't think you're going to suddenly find yourself somewhere where that doesn't happen.  

You can't run away from your problems.  You need to address them.  And here's the big thing that I wish more people would understand: life is messy.  It's hard.  There is no set of cheat codes for anyone.  Even people who do well in relationships are dealing with something else in their lives that is really difficult and scary for them.  None of us are ever going to live this life free of any stress, anxiety, self doubt and bad things happening.  I think what is almost more important for a lot of people here to think about is not so much solving all the problems, but how to emotionally deal with the bad things that happen in life.  That's what most of us learn how to do.  We don't live lives free of feeling uncomfortable feelings, we've just learned how to handle them in a fashion that doesn't cripple us nor make us paralysed to live our lives.  

It's nothing particularly unique to feel bad feelings, every single person on the planet feels bad feelings.  It's how one handles them that makes the difference.

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Post by Guest on Sun Feb 08, 2015 3:54 pm

I know, I was being facetious. :3 I know there's women all over the world.

I wanna teach abroad for other reasons, like it being another awesome life experience. Besides, if I *really* wanted to get away from my problems here at home including my girl problems, I'd move to Alaska in order to raise sled dogs like Solid Snake did.

Trust me when I say I can deal with most of life's stresses and issues pretty well. Since my parents divorced and my dad moved out I had to step up since my sister has anxiety issues of her own. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with a life or death scenario. Just money issues, but even then those don't stress me out, so long as I have a roof over my head... I'm set.

I don't know how to address my problems, to be honest. But I know that life is messy as well, nothing comes easy, I know that of course I do!

I'll give you a short story of how I can deal with even high stress stuff:
Spoiler:

on Friday (2/6/2015), me and some other lowly ranked employees were the only ones running the computer lab. Neither of my supervisors were around, I'm the closest you'll get to being a supervisor since my boss trusts me as much.

Anyway, a female student had her wallet stolen by another student who was sitting next to her out in plain view. I was helping some some ESL students print their parking passes when this female student got up with some commotion, I was confused.

And she said, "Did anyone see that guy!? He stole my wallet!!"

"Oh shit," I thought. Nobody was helping so, I guess that left me. I couldn't chase the fellow down since he was gone and I could get hurt, worse fired if I got em unscathed.

Anyway, panic almost hit me, but I stopped to breathe and called campus police, who ten transferred me to the sheriff's dispatch. Through suggestion, I used my own computer cunning to get a name. Eventually a sheriffs deputy showed up, myself, the victim and her friend told the deputy everything.

Eventually, the victim potentially found the perp on facebook. I dunno if he was but it passed.

After that, I realized I could handle that tense of situation. I could keep my cool under that much pressure. I had to keep calm because if I didn't things could go worse.

Yet I feel like I could deal with my story 50 times over than approaching a girl or asking anyone out. I dunno why, I'm just a silly scared boy. Razz

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