The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

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The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by BasedBuzzed on Wed Oct 01, 2014 6:04 pm

Because there are a few old threads that need to be resurrected for everyone's fun and profit.

To start off, here's mine: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/hipstironic

Anyhow, I keep getting high match percentages with dudettes who identify as feminist, and since I'm addicted to identity politics, what would be the right amount of showing knowledge in an opening message? Does something like "where would you rank yourself on a scale of Paglia to Dworkin?" verge too much towards braggadocio?

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by UristMcBunny on Wed Oct 01, 2014 6:32 pm

BasedBuzzed wrote:Because there are a few old threads that need to be resurrected for everyone's fun and profit.

To start off, here's mine: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/hipstironic

Anyhow, I keep getting high match percentages with dudettes who identify as feminist, and since I'm addicted to identity politics, what would be the right amount of showing knowledge in an opening message? Does something like "where would you rank yourself on a scale of Paglia to Dworkin?" verge too much towards braggadocio?

Lots of good things about your profile! You've got a very well written one - lots of humour, but you don't seem like you're using it in place of personality because there's plenty of personality in there, too. You sound driven, fun and positive with an active and whole life, and like someone looking for a partner to share that with, which is immensely appealing. You have serious goals, but clearly don't take yourself too seriously, and overall you come across as someone interesting to know!

I don't always like it when the main profile photo is one that obscures the face, but it can work well if the very next photo is a good, recent one showing your face properly. With that said, I'd replace your second photo with one which more accurately shows what you look like now. The recent photos you do have in the profile are all good ones, and I like that you have a mix of fun and serious ones in different settings is excellent. I'd bump the open-mic photo of you up a bit, since that sounds really interesting as a conversation starter, and definitely adds to the feel of you being someone very comfortable with himself, confident but not with an oversized ego.

On the feminism thing - I wouldn't say it sounds braggy, but it might be a bit obscure for a lot of people. Loads of people identify as feminists and have feminist beliefs and goals but aren't big on the academic side of it. It could have the effect of making the women you're messaging think you're testing to see if they're a "real feminist" or not. I'd say in an opening message, if you specifically want to open up with conversations about feminism, it might work better to reference something positive that happened in the news related to feminism recently. That way it's not too heavy of a topic to start out with, and also makes it more accessible as a conversation starter.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by WJMorris3 on Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:39 pm

I've tweaked my profile just a tad, still need to edit it a bit more.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/CelibateLove

Hopefully this works.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by nonA on Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:22 am

BB:  If there's a topic where a feminist issue would reasonably and naturally come up, go for it.  If not, most chicks have had experience with dudes who thought showing off feminist bona-fides was a quick way into her pants.

On top of that, what girls say they go for and what they actually go for are often two completely different things*.  Go with pulling strategies that have worked for you before, not what you think she should want to hear.

Can't read the rest of your profile.  Let us non-logged folks look at it if you want me to give more detail.

*(I really need a general purpose syllogism for situations like this.  People are (x), women are people.)

WJM:
If you're looking for a relationship that's more about the emotional side of love, rather than the physical side of love.

Good news.  You can find affection and emotional love without the romantic/sexual side pretty easily.  Ten seconds on google shows it's only a ten minute drive away.

Let's go right back to the drawing board.  Who are you hoping to find?  What are you doing to make them be interested in you?  And despite the popularity of OKC, sometimes it's worth asking if a site with an edgy, strongly left-leaning vibe is really going to be the best fit for you.  (Seriously.  "Profanity"?  "Tends to be frisky"?  A "golly gee willikers" would not feel out of place from you.)

Google "asexual dating".  Other niche markets if you feel one would fit you better, too.

Also, as a personal incitement to rage pet peeve, never say you're funny.  If you are funny, be funny.  If you're not, all you're doing is calling attention to your lack of skill.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by WJMorris3 on Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:25 am

nonA wrote:(Seriously.  "Profanity"?  "Tends to be frisky"?  A "golly gee willikers" would not feel out of place from you.)

Oh, no, that's not my phrase of choice. Usually it's "expletive!" to replace a cuss word or "bleep!".

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Oct 02, 2014 1:46 am

nonA wrote:Good news.  You can find affection and emotional love without the romantic/sexual side pretty easily.  Ten seconds on google shows it's only a ten minute drive away.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by eselle28 on Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:10 am

nonA wrote:
Good news.  You can find affection and emotional love without the romantic/sexual side pretty easily.  Ten seconds on google shows it's only a ten minute drive away.

<mod hat on>
Just as not everyone seeking sex wants it to come with a side of romance, there are people who are seeking romance who are not interested in sex. Statements that express bias against people whose sexual orientations differ from yours aren't acceptable here, and that includes statements about people who are asexual. It's particularly demeaning to suggest that someone seeking to meet other people can completely fulfill that need by adopting a pet. Please don't make comments of this type, either seriously or in jest, as an introduction to practical advice in the future.
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Oct 02, 2014 5:25 am

That aside, it's a fair point: what level of detail is appropriate in this kind of format, and how much flowery language can one get away with? Asexuality can be...nuanced, and I'm not sure of the best way to communicate certain things. I'm not so sure about Will, but I'm not "repulsed" by the idea of sexual intercourse—it's just not particularly valuable in its own right. I guess I think of it like crabmeat (or *insert expensive thing that you neither love nor hate*). If it's what's for dinner, that's not a problem; it's probably even nice. But it might have been better spent on someone more eager for it, and I'm more than happy to pig out on the french bread and broccoli instead.

However, any way I can think of to phrase that seems like it would just sound coy to a sexual person. Or, if I try to put an overtly positive spin on it, it just looks corny.

Ah, the subtle art of trying really hard not to look like you're trying too hard. Wink


Last edited by nearly_takuan on Mon Oct 06, 2014 12:44 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Guest on Thu Oct 02, 2014 5:50 am

I think you just have to lay it out there, don't sound too Pollyanna but not defensive either. Then sexual people can make their own minds up, from one of a number of options:
1) Do not want to date an asexual (totally valid)
2) Would date an asexual provided that person was prepared to have sex (potentially problematic)
3) Would date an asexual, would not want sex (my choice)

Remember, everyone else has to put their sexuality on their OLD profile. Me putting that I am bi is no different from you putting that you're ace. Not that you're obliged to be a poster boy, but I think that treating it like just another sexuality it actually very helpful when it comes to acceptance of asexuality.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by UristMcBunny on Thu Oct 02, 2014 8:02 am

It would really be helpful if OKC had any options other than "straight/gay/bi" in the orientations list. Options for ace, demi, -romantic and -sexual, omni, pan etc would make this sort of thing so much easier. I'm not aware of any dating sites with decently sized userbases that have options for ace etc in the orientation options, sadly, and it looks like a demand that is seriously not being met.

It's a pity the tags in OKC no longer work - used to be you could put "I am [[asexual]]" or... basically anything significant about yourself in a tag like that and it would be searchable.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by fakely mctest on Thu Oct 02, 2014 8:44 am

WJMorris3 wrote:I've tweaked my profile just a tad, still need to edit it a bit more.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/CelibateLove

Hopefully this works.

So, what I'd recommend is including a few specifics in certain places to add more depth and context to what you're saying.  This is what jumped out at me:


  • Based on what you wrote in the introductions thread here, it sounds like you're pretty excited about the announcing job (sounds like fun, BTW!).  Maybe include a little about your emotions about that, e.g., "I'm particularly excited about that because I love live amateur sports/feel a strong connection to my HS because reasons/etc."  I also might lead with that before the cashier job if that's the thing you're doing now that you're most enthusiastic about!
  • Most stand-up comedians I've met have their own favorite comedians as well.  Listing a couple and giving a brief explanation of why you like them will help people to get a quick idea of what your sense of humor and preferred delivery style is like, which says a lot.  I think it will also help with the no-profanity thing because some people might think that a comedian who eschews profanity is going to be toothless in the sharp observations department.  Thought that's not true a bit of elaboration wouldn't go amiss.
  • "Board games" is a pretty broad category.  Can you name a few you particularly enjoy?
  • Name a couple comedies and animated movies that are on your list of favorites!
  • Ditto a couple rock bands you like.  Rock is a broad genre!

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Guest on Thu Oct 02, 2014 8:47 am

WJM: The biggest overall piece of advice I have for you is that the entire profile feels a bit over-studied, like you're trying a little too hard. The tone feels a bit forced, and I noticed pretty quickly that there aren't any contractions, which makes it feel more like an essay for English class than a casual introduction to you. Your main photo is also very personality-free: it shows what you look like but doesn't do anything to sell you as a person.

As a personal note, I had a strong negative reaction to the word "frisky", which makes me feel like you're describing a kitten, and not an adult woman.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by WJMorris3 on Thu Oct 02, 2014 11:06 am

ElizaJane wrote:WJM: The biggest overall piece of advice I have for you is that the entire profile feels a bit over-studied, like you're trying a little too hard.  The tone feels a bit forced, and I noticed pretty quickly that there aren't any contractions, which makes it feel more like an essay for English class than a casual introduction to you.  Your main photo is also very personality-free: it shows what you look like but doesn't do anything to sell you as a person.

As a personal note, I had a strong negative reaction to the word "frisky", which makes me feel like you're describing a kitten, and not an adult woman.

I hear you. I do tend to write the way I talk so the contractions or lack thereof failed to stand out to me. Unfortunately I'm in my early thirties and have yet to have what could credibly be considered a girlfriend, so I'm very inexperienced at this!

Did rephrase "frisky" though. Trust me, it was better than the original where I acknowledged that the idea of me having sex absolutely repulses me. I think I referred to it as "that vile act".

Also, I'm apologizing to the mods that it was a post of mine that prompted the first wearing of the mod hat, it seems!

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by kleenestar on Thu Oct 02, 2014 11:18 am

FWIW, I say "frisky" all the time and thought it was charming. But I am also probably not your target audience. Razz
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Enail on Thu Oct 02, 2014 11:49 am

WJMorris3 wrote:
Also, I'm apologizing to the mods that it was a post of mine that prompted the first wearing of the mod hat, it seems!

You have nothing to apologize for; you did nothing wrong. Mod hats will happen, and that in itself is no big deal, as long as the person being moderated backs off when they've crossed a line. But especially, if the mod hat is not being worn at you, there's nothing you need to stop doing/be sorry for/do differently!
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:42 pm

UristMcBunny wrote:It would really be helpful if OKC had any options other than "straight/gay/bi" in the orientations list.  Options for ace, demi, -romantic and -sexual, omni, pan etc would make this sort of thing so much easier.  I'm not aware of any dating sites with decently sized userbases that have options for ace etc in the orientation options, sadly, and it looks like a demand that is seriously not being met.

It's a pity the tags in OKC no longer work - used to be you could put "I am [[asexual]]" or... basically anything significant about yourself in a tag like that and it would be searchable.

The search feature now treats someone's entire profile as keywords, so for rare terms like that it still works pretty well.

That said, it's estimated that asexual people are only like 1% of the population, so I think it's kind of a waste of time looking for other asexuals on OKC. I did use the search feature to find "asexual", "ace", "demi", etc and found exactly two women, neither of which I was able to get a real conversation going with—it was sort of a "I see by your outfit that you are asexual / I see by your outfit that you're asexual too / We see by our outfits that we are asexual" thing that didn't go anywhere.

(Funny thing—as I was typing this I got the following message on OKC: "We're too far from each other, but I just wanted to say hi to a fellow ace!" But yeah, the other side of the continent is tooooooo far, and I don't really have a response, so I hope she's okay with that going unanswered.)
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by The Wisp on Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:43 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:
UristMcBunny wrote:It would really be helpful if OKC had any options other than "straight/gay/bi" in the orientations list.  Options for ace, demi, -romantic and -sexual, omni, pan etc would make this sort of thing so much easier.  I'm not aware of any dating sites with decently sized userbases that have options for ace etc in the orientation options, sadly, and it looks like a demand that is seriously not being met.

It's a pity the tags in OKC no longer work - used to be you could put "I am [[asexual]]" or... basically anything significant about yourself in a tag like that and it would be searchable.

The search feature now treats someone's entire profile as keywords, so for rare terms like that it still works pretty well.

That said, it's estimated that asexual people are only like 1% of the population, so I think it's kind of a waste of time looking for other asexuals on OKC. I did use the search feature to find "asexual", "ace", "demi", etc and found exactly two women, neither of which I was able to get a real conversation going with—it was sort of a "I see by your outfit that you are asexual / I see by your outfit that you're asexual too / We see by our outfits that we are asexual" thing that didn't go anywhere.

(Funny thing—as I was typing this I got the following message on OKC: "We're too far from each other, but I just wanted to say hi to a fellow ace!" But yeah, the other side of the continent is tooooooo far, and I don't really have a response, so I hope she's okay with that going unanswered.)


Aren't there dating sites specifically for asexuals?
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:45 pm

Yes, and there are twice as many asexuals in my metro-area on Acebook as there are on OKC. Wink
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by nonA on Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:52 pm

The pet thing wasn't because WJM is ace.  It's because of the whole leave-it-to-beaverness combined with the part where he seems to want unconditional acceptance that humans, by and large, don't provide.  A dog would be a good thing.  On top of that, it would have a very strong nonsexual physicality.  From some of WJM's other posts, getting comfortable with that sort of physicality would be good for him.
It would really be helpful if OKC had any options other than "straight/gay/bi" in the orientations list. Options for ace, demi, -romantic and -sexual, omni, pan etc would make this sort of thing so much easier. I'm not aware of any dating sites with decently sized userbases that have options for ace etc in the orientation options, sadly, and it looks like a demand that is seriously not being met.
The more niche identity modifiers you have, the more you start to lose your average user.  Lose too many of them, you lose the userbase appeal that social sites depend on.

Again, specific to WJM, this may not be a bad thing.  Understanding that the bulk of the OKC userbase isn't looking for what he's looking for can be helpful for him.  A quick look at Fetlife shows that it has a fair number of ace-based groups.  (Granted most of them are dead, but the live ones might be a comfortable place for him to get his bearings.)  Ace-based dating sites will probably have a smaller userbase, and consequently fewer locals, but is this really a bad thing?  If he still needs to calibrate his comfort with touch, distance might work well for him.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Enail on Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:59 pm

<mod> NonA, next time, please start with the clear and uninsulting explanation of your meaning and skip the snarky, cryptic comments altogether. Thanks! </mod>
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by WJMorris3 on Thu Oct 02, 2014 6:01 pm

Oh, I understand that I'm going to be going through a lot of what I would consider chaff to find the good wheat. The problem I have with the sites specifically marketed for asexuals is that more often than not, there may be profiles there but they are practically ghost towns. I'd rather be on a healthy, active site than one that it seems no one frequents anymore.

As to the leave-it-to-beaverness referred - I do try to live my life in a pure fashion. It isn't for everyone, I know this.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by P_johnston on Fri Oct 03, 2014 2:33 am

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/p_johnston?cf=profile

Hello everyone. This is my profile and I would really appreciate any feedback on how to improve it. I thank everyone in advance for any advice they would be willing to impart.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Guest on Fri Oct 03, 2014 11:06 am

I actually really like your profile, P_johnston. I don't have a huge amount to suggest.

Some positives:

I really, really like the profile pic. It's a little bit different, but it shows a clear picture of you, and you come across really well in it. It will stand out.

Your sense of humor comes across, and I was smiling as I read it. You come across as a guy who doesn't take himself too seriously, which is great.

If I were going to change anything, it would be to add more detail in a few spaces: your Friday night answer is a bit flat because I can't really picture it: when you say "hanging out with friends", what does that mean?

Similarly, the "message me if" section should be a strong finish, and it's just kind of there. I'd try to finish with something funny, to round off the impression of you. If it were me, I'd include a MTG joke: "If X, or Y, or you think you stand a chance against my Goblin Food Chain deck" or something that actually reflects real MTG instead of my half-knowledge. Paint a picture of what getting to know you would be like. It's your final sales pitch.

Overall, though, I think it's strong.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by UristMcBunny on Fri Oct 03, 2014 11:30 am

I agree with ElizaJane. Your profile comes across as fun, friendly and approachable. You own your interests very openly and positively, which will help attract people who will appreciate similar things, and you sound very much like someone who would make for fun conversation.

The Friday night answer would be a good opportunity to give a more detailed glimpse into what Socialising With P_Johnston would be like, and it would be good to work on that.

Now, photos. Your primary photo is a bit blurry with the light, but just this once I actually think it works. Because other than the lighting, the photo does show off your features well and you have a genuine up-into-the-eyes smile. Some photos of you being social, or in the moment rather than posing for the camera might help, but overall it's quite a solid profile. Just expand on a couple of areas as Eliza mentioned.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by IntelligentDice on Fri Oct 03, 2014 3:32 pm

Well I can throw another shrimp on this barbie:

Skewer away

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