Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

by Guest Wed Oct 22, 2014 3:14 pm

Thanks for all your feedback, I have already had one of the guys I'm chatting to say he likes the changes!

Also interested in what a high match percentage I'm getting with a lot of my DNL visitors. I have found my tribe!

by PKB Thu Oct 23, 2014 9:29 pm

embertine, the bit about stoats made me laugh out loud. Good stuff!

My profile could use a good fisking, so here goes:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/PKBunnyman?cf=profile

Current issues include pictures (I have none with me in them, so I'll have to go out and take some) and the fact that it's a bit TL,DR. Any feedback appreciated.

by Guest Fri Oct 24, 2014 2:27 am

PKB wrote:embertine, the bit about stoats made me laugh out loud. Good stuff!

My profile could use a good fisking, so here goes:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/PKBunnyman?cf=profile

Current issues include pictures (I have none with me in them, so I'll have to go out and take some) and the fact that it's a bit TL,DR. Any feedback appreciated.

I got no real solid advice for ya, bud. All I know is we'd be good pals. Laughing

Also, how soon should I expect a response? From anyone? I mean... it's almost been a week since I sent out a good handful of 'em out. Unless I'm being naive about this stuff. And what's the deal with the profiles of these amazing girls yet they haven't been online in months or a year?

by nearly_takuan Fri Oct 24, 2014 4:02 am

I'm with Mikey; I think your personality already comes through really well.

@Mikey: I figure the basic psychology is a lot like how people are with letters and emails. Even if they might have wanted to send a reply, once it's past a certain age it feels awkward, careless, or callous to do so. As more time passes it only gets harder. From what I've read it might be okay to send a second follow-up message at around this time if you are still interested in hearing back from them.

by Guest Fri Oct 24, 2014 5:52 am

nearly_takuan wrote:
@Mikey: I figure the basic psychology is a lot like how people are with letters and emails. Even if they might have wanted to send a reply, once it's past a certain age it feels awkward, careless, or callous to do so. As more time passes it only gets harder. From what I've read it might be okay to send a second follow-up message at around this time if you are still interested in hearing back from them.

That's what I figured. So, looks like Imma have to wait to re-message everyone then. Razz

by **reboot** Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:16 am

PKB wrote:embertine, the bit about stoats made me laugh out loud. Good stuff!

My profile could use a good fisking, so here goes:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/PKBunnyman?cf=profile

Current issues include pictures (I have none with me in them, so I'll have to go out and take some) and the fact that it's a bit TL,DR. Any feedback appreciated.

I think your interests come through loud and clear, but you might be hitting the weaponry note a bit too hard. After reading this the only possible date I could picture with you was at the range because it did not come through that you had any other non-solo interests.

Also, for your Saturdays actually say I might be doing X, Y, or Z to give a better idea of what you do for fun

by PKB Fri Oct 24, 2014 10:13 pm

I figured that might be an issue. Tweaked. Thanks for the feedback!

by **reboot** Sat Oct 25, 2014 2:20 pm

PKB wrote:I figured that might be an issue. Tweaked. Thanks for the feedback!

That is much better. Your interests are much more balanced now.

by Randomly Rolled Sat Oct 25, 2014 4:39 pm

Hi all. I'm new to this, but thought I'd post to this thread since I found it relevant. Getting back into dating and trying to learn some things about it, brought me to DrNL (which I'd never heard of), and that kind of led here. It seems like a forum where I can get non-judgemental feedback. I created an OKCupid account, just to do it. If you could give me your ideas as to what you find good and bad about it, that would be great Smile

I'm not sure how to link the exact URL, but my profile is slightly-skewed.

Note; it's gone through a number of iterations already; I've edited and deleted things that I thought might be irrelevant or TMI, or corny, or..whatever. Thanks Smile

by nonA Sat Oct 25, 2014 11:50 pm

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/slightly-skewed

Anyways, can't help you much. The first three things I noticed were all solidly judgmental, so I'll let someone else try for the soft-touch polish you're looking for.

by Randomly Rolled Sun Oct 26, 2014 12:12 am

Cool. Thanks for the heads up. I went back through and saw what you meant. I had edited out all the more light-hearted lines. I guess it felt too long-winded. Y'know, I got embarrassed that my first post was to ask complete strangers about a dating profile, rather than breaking the ice through another topic. lol. Thanks again

by nonA Sun Oct 26, 2014 12:44 am

...That's the opposite of good, dude. Humor is good, just so long as you're not making the same tired old "jokes" that everybody else is.

I'll be my judgmental, practical self and tell you the first three things that stood out to me;

-There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that tell you that they're funny, and those that are actually funny. Your job isn't to describe yourself, your job is to illustrate why someone you'd want to hang with would want to hang with you.

-The first thing you should do before making a profile on any site is read a bunch of profiles from people around your sex, age, and location. Most people aren't aware just how the mass nature of these dating sites affects the nature of the game. When you start rolling your eyes after reading the same thing a dozen times in as many profiles, you can understand how girls who've been on the site for a while must feel.

-You seem like a nice, perfectly decent guy. However, what you seem to be looking for in a girl goes beyond just being "nice" and "perfectly decent". This is where I get all hardnosed and judgey. Be honest; what are you looking for in a girl, and what do you bring to the table to attract that sort of girl?

by Guest Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:36 am

The biggest red flag to me: Seriously reconsider your age range. You have listed that you're looking for women up to /15 years/ younger than you, and only up to your age (!). That gives off serious skeeze vibes to me, and I wouldn't message anyone like that.

You don't really need your first line. Anyone can see that you're 40 years old from Michigan, given the rest of the profile. I also wouldn't keep your second line (nobody's good at writing these things, dude). I might also take out some of the un-contracted ones (I am a shy person -> I'm a shy person -- it helps to bring across the casual nature).

"I smile easily- and it's crooked, which I like. I'm not afraid to look goofy or crack a joke. I try to be as honest as I can be." These are good; it's always nice to see someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously. "My personal and political belief system tends to be outside the norm" is kind of eyebrow-raising, especially with how vague it is. Either specify this more or take it out.

"I'm really good at reading and writing" - what does this mean? Does that mean you're a fast reader? You're good at analyzing texts? That you can construct a grammatical sentence or that you're great at putting together an argument and debating it? Be more specific.

"I'm probably sitting at home playing video games or online RPG sessions. I'm not interested in the bar or club scene, and would rather have a casual hang out with a small group of friends." - I would rephrase to "I'm probably either playing games or casually hanging out with a small group of friends. I'm not interested in the bar or club scene." "Sitting at home," while an accurate description, gives a somewhat passive feeling.

by BasedBuzzed Sun Oct 26, 2014 1:04 pm

More pictures with: a)one that better lights your face, b)one that shows your full body and c)one in which you are busy doing the above-mentioned activities with friends in meatspace and d)one that goes full geek.

The third paragraph of the self-summary is superfluous as you cover that in "What I'm doing with my life".

"6 things I could never do without" need additional info. F. ex., "family, because Pa's sage advice and Ma's quiet strength are an inspiration to me.", "Caffeine, because coffee is love and life."

For the creative writing part: add more than browsing TVTropes. Contests you've send submissions to, circles you use for feedback, etcetera.

by Randomly Rolled Sun Oct 26, 2014 4:09 pm

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I re-read it last night and found that after I had edited it, it had gone from a stream of consciousness to just being bland. It does feel like I'm saying 'I'm funny. I like to laugh.' with a flat expression and monotonous voice. Ha. I was too tired to think about it anymore though so I left it for today. A few things stood out about the comments though.

I get you on the age thing, Autumn. I'm sure it does come off a bit weird. The problem is that I live in a really small town, with a very limited dating pool to begin with. Throw in the fact that I don't fit in, being non-native, and being a geek in a place where obnoxious jacked-up trucks with gun racks line the streets and 'Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT' stickers are too subtle for most people to grasp, it's hard to find a date. Sadly, the addiction rates here are phenomenally high, so a lot of the women older than I am are burned up. The majority of the other women my age are married. Conversely, from what I've found, a lot of the younger women, in their late 20's to mid/late 30's, are looking for older guys who have their shit together (which is also rare). I've had a difficult time reconciling all these; maybe they would make for a good discussion on they're own- Is there a thread or topic regarding those problems? Being able to fit in, finding social activities in a less-than hospitable place, etc. I will be re-adjusting the age range thing though, as I don't want to look pervish. Maybe a 'within an age range but willing to consider' kind of thing, as I really don't care about age, as long as a person has a certain level of emotional maturity.

Some of that ties into pics in meatspace; I don't have any friends here, so I can't provide any with me in a group. I also have a bad camera, so most of my pics suck. It doesn't help that I'm not photogenic and camera shy Smile

I think I have some that show my whole profile though, so I'll look at those.

So I'll be more specific about interests and abilities, let more of my personality show, and then tweak the little things.

by **reboot** Sun Oct 26, 2014 4:18 pm

Randomly Rolled wrote:....-Is there a thread or topic regarding those problems? Being able to fit in, finding social activities in a less-than hospitable place, etc......

There is not a thread on that topic, but it would make a great thread because you are not the only one in that boat, so please start one if you would like to discuss or get advice

by **eselle28** Sun Oct 26, 2014 4:19 pm

Randomly Rolled wrote:
I get you on the age thing, Autumn. I'm sure it does come off a bit weird. The problem is that I live in a really small town, with a very limited dating pool to begin with. Throw in the fact that I don't fit in, being non-native, and being a geek in a place where obnoxious jacked-up trucks with gun racks line the streets and 'Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT' stickers are too subtle for most people to grasp, it's hard to find a date. Sadly, the addiction rates here are phenomenally high, so a lot of the women older than I am are burned up. The majority of the other women my age are married. Conversely, from what I've found, a lot of the younger women, in their late 20's to mid/late 30's, are looking for older guys who have their shit together (which is also rare). I've had a difficult time reconciling all these; maybe they would make for a good discussion on they're own- Is there a thread or topic regarding those problems? Being able to fit in, finding social activities in a less-than hospitable place, etc. I will be re-adjusting the age range thing though, as I don't want to look pervish. Maybe a 'within an age range but willing to consider' kind of thing, as I really don't care about age, as long as a person has a certain level of emotional maturity.

'
This is just a second opinion to add to Autumnflame's, but I'm 34 and in a place fairly similar to where you live. I don't respond to men who are exclusively interested in dating younger women, even if I fall into their dating age range, and most of my peers also consider it a turn off. When I see that sort of age range, I worry that the man is seeking out much younger women because they won't notice he's fairly immature for his age or that he's extremely concerned with his date's appearance - sort of the opposite of the impression you want to convey. Tweaking it a bit might be a good idea.

by Randomly Rolled Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:18 pm

I tweaked that part of the profile. Eselle, the way you explain it makes perfect sense, and actually fits with why I stopped OLD a number of years ago in the first place- the sense that internet dating and social sites were based entirely on someone's appearance; that it was a wasteland of the vain.

To be honest, I'm having a difficult time being who I am at the age that I am. I won't say 'most', but many, women my age are much further along in their career development and lifestyle. While I think I've reached the emotional and intellectual maturity appropriate for my age, there's still kind of that feeling that I'm just not up to par. There are a lot of circumstances behind that, but it remains. So I don't even know if I Could attract a 36 year old engineer, or a 47 year old real estate broker. I have nothing that I'm ashamed to talk about in my life, I'm an open person, but the reality is that I'm behind the curve. Then again, people can be more understanding than you might think. So who knows? But that's enough about that, I'll find threads more appropriate for that stuff Smile

So ty for the tips; I rewrote my profile, and I think it conveys who I am much better than Automated Man Unit #763's profile did. It's certainly not perfect, but vastly improved. Thanks Smile

I'll take the invitation to create a thread, reboot Smile

by nearly_takuan Wed Oct 29, 2014 7:48 pm

If y'all don't mind, I'd like to try something a little different here. I'm going to paste in my profile "essays", but add some commentary about my motives and the things I was thinking about when I wrote them. My hope is that this will get me better feedback about whether what I wrote is successfully serving those interests, whether my intentions are calibrated properly to begin with, and maybe also get some gears turning for other people concerned about the state of their profiles.

Edit: Was nice of people to indulge me but there wasn't much of a difference between posting this and just linking to my profile after all. Razz

by **Enail** Wed Oct 29, 2014 8:01 pm

Your answers are really charming and give a good sense of a personality! I especially like the first paragraph of the "what am I doing with my life" and the "first things people notice."

I'm not so sure about the bit about the weather or the Friday night part - I don't think the homebody/going out split is a problem, since many people are in-between on that, but think you'd do better to express the wide range of activities and multiple friend groups thing in a slightly more active phrasing. Or not so much active per se, but, put yourself into the sentence. Something like "Or else taking up some friend or another on whatever plan they have in mind for [something that suggests the range of activities]..."

ETA: Oh, and I found the bit about virgin beverages awkward to parse. I think your idea behind it is good, but it wasn't immediately clear to me how it related to the daylight hours, though I eventually came to the conclusion that you meant something more like a coffee date than a bar night.

by Kiskadee Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:04 pm

I actually liked the bit about the virgin beverages and thought it had the tone you were going for. You could possibly change it to something like "(probably in daylight, with/over beverages as virginal as myself)" if you want to make the meaning a bit clearer.

I had been trying to figure out how to phrase this in my own profile (but don't worry, I won't steal yours!)

by Guest Mon Nov 03, 2014 3:51 pm

Updated my profile picture.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/MikeyWithNoName

In fact, I actually got a response. The only reason I didn't arrange anything with this girl is because our match percentage wasn't that high (but I did think she was cute and share similar personalities). It was a nice & friendly conversation, but I did feel a little weird/awkward about the exchange. :I Any idea why I'd feel that way?

by Guest Mon Nov 03, 2014 5:21 pm

Nice! I'd put the last one on your list and the one with the dogs into your top three pics, too.

Hard to tell about the exchange without seeing the text itself, but I'd speculate that it just feels awkward because online dating messaging can be kind of awkward to begin with, even if you have a lot of experience.

by Guest Tue Nov 04, 2014 7:37 pm

Autumnflame wrote:Nice! I'd put the last one on your list and the one with the dogs into your top three pics, too.

Hard to tell about the exchange without seeing the text itself, but I'd speculate that it just feels awkward because online dating messaging can be kind of awkward to begin with, even if you have a lot of experience.

I'll trade the pics later since I'm sorta in public and not on my main PC at home. It's a little embarrassing. Embarassed

I'll also show the exchange later because of the same reasons. But yes, OLD is suuuper weird for me. Mostly because yay, I'm excited somebody responded (and it makes me happy) but I'm also aroused/attracted to this person, so it's a little hard for me to wanna bring the conversation into "Oh, hey maybe date? Maybe jump in the sack for fun times?" We exchanged quite a few messages, but I wasn't sure if she was down to meet (also because our match percentage was in the 60's) and I wasn't sure how she'd respond because this girl seemed very much into not BS'ing around, getting to the point, etc. and plus I'm kinda broke.

I usually go in thinking I'm not gonna get a response so it was a pleasant surprise I got a message back at all. Razz

ETA: Convo

Spoiler:

by Tistur Tue Nov 11, 2014 8:24 pm

Hi everyone, I've been lurking for roughly a year now. Hat tip to nearly_takuan who helped me find this thread on the new board.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/gryphonlady

What I'm worried about: I think I come across as rambling and incoherent. Which may just be fair warning, but I'd like to improve it a bit if I can. I'm not sure if I'm beating the religion drum too hard, but it is very important to me.

I'm not sure how to say/what should I disclose? I have a decent job, but live with my parents and siblings. I've been on mental health meds since I was 8 (this was before the current 'medicate 'em all' fad; had I been born 10 years earlier, I may well have ended up in an institution.) I haven't had a relationship since high school, which didn't get very far physically.

I'd really appreciate any help.

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