The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Dannyboy on Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:08 am

Well, I just got ghosted by a girl; the first girl who seemed interested in a long time (to be fair, a great part of that is because I quit OLD to try and become more attractive by losing weight and making friends, not that I've made any progress there). I hadn't even planned on messaging anyone, I had simply joined Plenty Of Fish and slapped a photo of myself on a blank profile so I could see who was on the site. However, after messing with their quick match system I found I had a mutual match with a pretty attractive girl with similar interests in hiking and stuff, so I sent her message. Then, after messaging back and forth for a couple of hours late at night I asked her for her number so I could text her today and she gave it to me, saying she looked forward to talking to me when she was less sleep deprived. I texted her today, no reply, then I messaged her when POF said she was online. She read the first message but didn't respond, she never read the second, I assume she decided to black me.

I just wish I knew what i had done wrong, everything seemed to be great: we had shared interests in hiking and true crime, we flirted a little bit, and she gave me her number at the end of it all. What did I do that made her not want to talk to me again?

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by AMischievousGrin on Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:42 am

Dannyboy - So, Nerdlove actually talks about this.

First, one unreturned message doesn't necessarily mean she ghosted. She could have been busy, or not seen it.  In the future - give it a day, and then send a second.

Even if she did ghost, it could have nothing to do with you. She could have had a personal emergency that's taken her attention away from dating. You two aren't exclusive yet, so someone she was casually dating could have gotten serious. Any number of things could have happened.

So on your end, my suggestion would be to just keep trying to meet people. It's a bummer if she ghosted you, but if you're this put off by it, maybe put more effort into your profile so more people respond.  

As for this specific person, if you send a text and she doesn't respond, don't read too much in to it. In person > Call > Text > In-app messaging, so don't regress for that "read" receipt. You should have waited a day and sent a second text. If two days passed, on the third day, follow the aforementioned nerdlove advice with something like, "Hey, I know you're busy, but I'd love to get a know you better. Get a hold of me when your schedule opens up." and move on. That way you haven't closed the door, but you're not pushing if she has.

I say all this because it's something I struggle with too. I'm very responsive to texts/messages, and ghosting really does suck. But you should want someone who takes your time seriously enough to respond anyway. Good luck!

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Mara_ on Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:16 am

AMischievousGrin, I get where you come from with the 25+, that's an age after which people can be presumed to have some more real-world experience so it's a reasonable cutoff to me (it's the same one I selected, actually). And about the 34- for family-making reasons, it seems like such a utilitarian view of a partner that I really don't know what to say.
It makes sense to want to have healthy children, but focusing on age alone is misleading and looks pretty bad, honestly. Like, if you wouldn't add to your profile "no family history of X conditions, no mental health problems, no abuse survivors as that increases risk of PPD and PPS" I wouldn't put just the age thing in there.
This kinda makes me worry about what you prioritize in a partner. I would personally rather have kids with an awesome man in his forties (which has a negative effect on the kids' heath too), or with a family history of depression, diabetes or whatever than with a healthy 30 year old that I don't like as much. And I don't really understand rejecting them outright because of the increased risks, it seems rather cold.
I don't know if you should lie, I do know that I don't answer messages from men who look for much younger but just a bit older, ever, no matter how hot they are and where in that range I fall.
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Mara_ on Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:21 am

Dannyboy I think you might feel less pain if you reframe dating someone as opt-in instead of opt-out (or charm-in instead of disgust-out). It's not that you did something wrong. It's just that you didn't push the right set of buttons in the right order to make her want to choose your company over her own. It happens to the best of us. It's really not personal.


Last edited by Mara_ on Fri Jul 28, 2017 3:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by AMischievousGrin on Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:30 am

Mara_ - It feels like you might be reading more into my intentions largely based on the OKC format. I agree with you - Mrs. Right in her 40s is a much better conclusion than someone else young and nubile.

I guess my question is, why not both? Part of the draw of online dating is the variety. I want to put my absolute best foot forward so I can sift through the ones who aren't "the one" and find my perfect match.  If it looks like I'm prioritizing Age over quality, I think that is a result of the OKC format - it's certainly not my position.

My perfect date is 30 (with a slew of other more important qualifications). Close in age to myself, and several years before we ought to think about children. From there I've gone down 5 and up 4. That's not really fair, though, because I myself am 32. And to be honest, if a attractive nerd who wants to stay in and watch game of thrones messaged me and I saw that she was over 34 - I'll almost certainly give her my number.  

So what's a number that wouldn't put you off?  25-36? 37? Do I have to be exactly in the middle?


Last edited by AMischievousGrin on Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Werel on Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:17 pm

Hi AMischievousGrin, welcome. I agree with Mara that regardless of the reasons, the age range thing may be a pretty immediate "hmm/nope" of varying severity for a lot of women, if only because something like 2 years older/7+ years younger is ubiquitous on OLD profiles, and it's often not just for pragmatic reasons like childbearing ability. If you're actually open to women older than you (particularly if adoption is a possibility), and aren't one of those dudes who thinks females hit the wall at 25, I'd encourage you to switch up the age range to include more of the 30s. Not only will that include women over 34 who might be a good match, but it won't actively turn off younger women who use it as a sniff test for certain kinds of misogyny.
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by AMischievousGrin on Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:37 pm

Werel - Thanks for the feedback. If, even under ideal circumstances like here where I have the opportunity to explain myself with no assumptions or consequences, it still looks bad, well then it sounds like I'm just wrong about this. I appreciate your and Mara_'s feedback. The idea of "hitting a wall" is absurd. And while I'm really not wild about adoption, I've got no problem with women older than me.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Gotoku 2017 on Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:30 am

I was just wondering if anyone had some tips/advice for my first message......

Hey there (Profile name) It's awesome to find another gamer on here, what games are you currently playing?
I'm currently Playing Persona 5 which I've been trying to finish since April. You ever played any of the Persona games before?

(I'm also quite a big fan of Nadal...shame what happened to him at Wimbledon)

I mainly talk about one or two interests we both have.
However I feel my message could be better.
I would be very grateful for any tips or advice.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by AMischievousGrin on Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:44 am

Not bad. So, it's obviously specific to them, you mention their interests, and you ask questions, which is a great start.

Depending on what site you're on, I'd consider dropping the "Hey there". OKC only shows the first several words in the preview, and I hate wasting that space. Maybe "It's awesome to find another gamer on here (profile name), what games..."

Also, if at all possible, I'd end on a question, not a statement.

Still, looks pretty good to me overall.

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by OneTrueGuest on Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:04 pm

AMischievousGrin - and here comes One True Guest popping back into the forum because the age of women able to have healthy babies myth is one that she feels THAT strongly about that she just had to post. Have you seen this video? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YIz9jZPzvo

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Gotoku 2017 on Sat Jul 29, 2017 3:25 pm

Cheers I'm sort of using it as a template changing it around for different people. I'm currently using pof

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Werel on Sat Jul 29, 2017 6:28 pm

Gotoku 2017, that looks good-- personalized and not too lengthy, with some easy ways to respond built in. I agree with ending it on a question and not a statement, though, and I might change the "have you played Persona?" to "have you played Persona? What did you think of it, if you have?" For a couple of reasons: 1) it invites a longer response than just yes or no; and 2) it dispels the possibility that it's a nerd gatekeeping question, and turns it into a way to show that you're interested in what she thinks.

Good luck, hope you get some responses!
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Gotoku 2017 on Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:42 am

Profile headline - Not flawless,But My Dog Thinks I'm Awesome

Hey I’m Jon

I’m from Worthing where there’s always something fun to do if you know where to look. There’s just not many places to look.

I’m interested in martial arts and have been doing kung fu for about a year so I’m literally a kickass kinda guy. I'm also planning to start kickboxing at a later date and train in both martial arts.

I’m also learning French; if honest I'm still at a very basic level but enjoying the experience. I would like to visit France again one year and maybe one day live down in the south. I really appreciate the relaxed culture and atmosphere France is famous for. However for now I just learn it as a hobby.

I'm a big anime fan and I'm also currently planning a trip to Tokyo next year. I've always wanted to visit the city because of how unique of a place it really is.

I’m pretty chilled but I’m always down for new opportunities and I’ll try anything new.

Hit me up if you’re interested.

What I've written for my profile so far....just wondering if anyone had some tips to improve it.
cheers

(Again this is for use on pof)

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Dannyboy on Sun Aug 13, 2017 1:05 am

Well, I'm looking to get back into online dating again, and i was wondering if you guys could tell me if any of the images in this album are good for a profile (the ones with the beard are the most recent).

http://imgur.com/a/6Bqgu

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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by DoubtfulGuest on Tue Aug 22, 2017 1:33 pm

Dannyboy, for what it's worth, I like the outdoor ones-I think the third picture is the best.

I'm considering OKCupid, but I'm not sure...I don't have any close friends in my area that I see regularly, so I'm not sure if I need to "fix" my social life first, get a more "exciting" life in general first...or what. Also, not sure how great my pictures are. I don't take many of myself (and I feel weird asking strangers to take them, though I have successfully gotten strangers to take pictures of me before, and the awkwardness fades away).

Here's a couple. I have a couple more, mostly selfies (some of which are pretty flattering). I should probably get another one of me standing, I guess? I'll have to ask someone to do it. Is the first one too dark? I don't love the third one, but it's an accurate photo. I just feel like if I make one miscalculation with my expressions, they come out looking "creepy" (but I feel weird about asking strangers to take multiple pictures, since I'm already reluctant to ask people to take pictures in the first place).






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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Werel on Tue Aug 22, 2017 10:56 pm

Nah, I don't think you necessarily have to have your social life locked down before dating. Plus, OKCupid can double as a potential friend-meeting site, so it might be a good idea on both fronts.

I think the first two pictures are the best, and they look similar enough to the third that you don't need to worry about accurate representation. Another standing picture would be good, and/or maybe one where you're looking at something other than the camera (I dunno why, but some diversity in where your gaze is directed helps add visual interest for me). But those are good shots, they seem warm and friendly.
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by DoubtfulGuest on Thu Aug 24, 2017 3:14 pm

Werel wrote:Nah, I don't think you necessarily have to have your social life locked down before dating. Plus, OKCupid can double as a potential friend-meeting site, so it might be a good idea on both fronts.

Still, though, "you should focus on your social life first" is such common dating advice, though...and I feel like not having a consistent social circle is yet another potential red flag I don't need (I feel like I already have so many-or, at least, yellow flags, if that's a thing). At the same time, I've written about this before, and maybe I can relax about this stuff a little bit-or at least think about why not having a bunch of close friends could be a red flag to some people (for instance, the fear that a partner without a lot of supports would rely on the other partner for all their social needs, which may be fine for some people, but that would be draining for me, too. I don't think I would have that problem, though. I'm used to being able to entertain myself. So, if I don't think that would be an issue, then maybe my not having the social life I would like to have at this moment is less of a potential red flag. I don't know).

Thanks for the photo feedback-I'll get some more sometime later this week. I have ideas-like getting some standing photos in front of some of the downtown murals. Stuff like that.


Last edited by DoubtfulGuest on Thu Aug 24, 2017 3:14 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Grammar)
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by nearly_takuan on Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:03 pm

Depends partly on the kind of person you want to meet, I think. When I finally found somebody willing to go out with me I rushed out the gate guns a-blazin' with advice from Paging and other vaguely ex-PUA-ish sources, trying to prove I wasn't boring by suggesting exciting activity dates and social events. But I also paid attention to what she wanted, which, it turned out, was mostly to go out for dinner or watch a movie or sit on a couch and talk. Thank goodness, because I probably would've gotten exhausted pretty fast if she'd turned out to be a social-butterfly type with an insatiable desire to meet new people and maintain lots of friendships. (tl;dr: for all its faults, the movie adaptation of It's Kind of a Funny Story contained possibly the best dating advice I ever heard, and I don't think the good Doctor has written a Learn From This article about it but that's a mistake.)

I did have a consistent social circle, but that was kind of a trap anyway in that the circle was a little too consistent and did more to keep me from meeting potential partners than help directly in that regard. It probably helped overall anyway on the indirect front, in that having some close friends helped me feel a little more secure, but that's about it, and if you don't need that then you don't need that.
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by DoubtfulGuest on Sun Aug 27, 2017 11:16 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:Depends partly on the kind of person you want to meet, I think. When I finally found somebody willing to go out with me I rushed out the gate guns a-blazin' with advice from Paging and other vaguely ex-PUA-ish sources, trying to prove I wasn't boring by suggesting exciting activity dates and social events. But I also paid attention to what she wanted, which, it turned out, was mostly to go out for dinner or watch a movie or sit on a couch and talk. Thank goodness, because I probably would've gotten exhausted pretty fast if she'd turned out to be a social-butterfly type with an insatiable desire to meet new people and maintain lots of friendships.

Right, I feel the same way you did-the advice on the main site is good stuff, don't get me wrong, and the same for other non-awful/non-sexist/non-sleazy dating advice on the Internet. I mean, a lot of the articles on DNL are aimed at a wide audience, so there's going to be some very general advice that may not be the perfect fit for every situation. Totally get that. At the same time, I definitely have this idea in my head that to be successful at dating (which doesn't look the same to everyone-for me it's "find someone I want to have a satisfying and warm long-term relationship with") I have to basically dazzle the other person by being amazing and exciting, as much as possible. I also think "you should take some time to not think about relationships and work on yourself" is...good advice, in many cases. I'm certainly glad I "worked on myself"...but I don't know when I've "worked on myself" enough to give this stuff a shot again, and no one but me can really determine that, so...there's just a lot of uncertainty in the air.

I'm 31, for the record-still, nothing I can really do about that. I hope that actually putting myself out there will sort of help me break out of this idea that most of the people I'm interested in are not going to be into me (but of course, I have no way of knowing that. At least trying is better than asking the same unanswerable questions over and over). It's tricky really move past that when you're not sure you have much to really challenge it with.
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Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

Post by Dannyboy on Sat Sep 30, 2017 6:24 pm

Well, unfortunately I'm back in the game again.

I haven't updated this profile in about a month, so I'm wondering what guys think of it:

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/WenndellGee

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