self-sabotage train: this time it cost me money

[Glides]

tw: suicide stuff (no i'm not doing it don't call the narcs on me)

well maybe not yet but at this point i feel like the only way to save face is to cost myself money.

context: i'm finally employed, but right before getting that job, i took on a social media gig for a nonprofit that has a discord server. in my infinite wisdom, i began posting in that server, nothing personal, just general gripes about depression/the kind of stuff y'all wouldn't flinch at. all well and good, i'm offered a thousand bucks to do this gig for them over like a two month period, it's money i need anyway so even after i get the job that will hopefully last longer, i intend to keep working on this one too.

end of last week, the new job is getting on my nerves for the same reason they all do, the pressure is mounting up, a bunch of shit piles up, and at some undetermined point, i break and decide to revive the botched plan to unalive myself i had been prepping for when i thought i would reach next year unemployed. i am employed, and i was caught because i wasn't as careful as i thought plus i got high and blabbed to a friend and now everyone's on high alert, yayyyyyyyyy. but i decide i will revive this plan on the spot even if it isn't for that day, and i decide in my infinite wisdom to brag about it on the discord server for the place i am now technically a contractor for, because i am infinitely wise. granted, it's a nonprofit about mental health so you'd think they'd understand.

in the midst of whatever i was blabbing about (very much in the vein of my classic breakdowns on here, some of y'all remember those), this goes from the general plan to take my own life (sad, but not out of the ordinary yet) to me registering my various grievances at previous jobs. the current job has a very elderly audience, they're just as catty and demanding as you might expect, and i go on a very vitriolic and ageist rant about the general uselessness of the old and how i'm going to unalive myself if i ever live that long and that's like the most G-rated way to describe the things i was saying. i'm not going to frame this as "oh no i'm the victim," cuz im not, i am fully 100% at fault here. apparently one of the bosses at this place is of the age range that i am vilifying after my many bad experiences with some of them, and i get reported for it. not arguing that, i deserve that too. i feel like a fucking moron for taking out my grievances against a few thousand people i don't know that have nothing to do with this other place and ascribe that to an entire generation (even if the angry part of my brain will insist that vice versa happens all the time and i don't get to complain about that). this is not a "oh glides you're not that bad" thing i'm asking for, nor is it "glides you unforgivable monster," i don't really know what i want.

anyway the person who hired me sends me maybe a nicer email than i deserve which acknowledges that yes, older cishet white christians have made my life a living hell but extending that to everyone else in that age range isn't fair, etc etc, all true. i have not even been kicked off the contract yet, but at this point, it feels unethical to do any more work for these people if apparently someone there was this horrified and hurt by whatever shit i was ranting about (messages are deleted so i can't share em anyway). should i really make a thousand bucks from a company that now thinks i'm public enemy number one for reasons that are entirely self-inflicted? right now it feels as though the best thing to do, because decades of apologizing for shit that isn't my fault makes me just as resistant as to when it really is my fault, is to finish whatever i can and then just either refuse the money outright or donate the entire amount right back to them as penance, leave the discord server, and never ever talk to any of them again. i have already joked to myself that if i ever become the great filmmaker/artist/whatever i'm already too late to become, that these people will drag my name through the dirt, which i will maybe deserve. they don't seem so vindicative as that.

but anyway, i'm at fault, i'm not denying that, and keeping their money even though i do need it feels like blood money. my brain is such mush that i don't even know how to finish what they wanted me to do let alone how to start, around what i have to do with the job that pays more and i haven't humiliated myself at. so that was a fun boxing day present for me, where i am almost 30 but i'm still acting like a 12 year old sometimes

[Enail]

I'm sorry, that sound awful and very awkward for everyone. But I think if they don't ask you to step down, that means they still want you to do it. So it wouldn't be unethical do the work, keep things as professional as possible from now on, and take the money. Managing staff and deciding what to do about it if they behave badly is their job, doing the work they're paying you for is your job, and then paying you is their job again, don't try to do their parts for them or assume what they want.

I do think you should put a (very professional) apology in the discord - and it sounds like you do feel sorry that you took your grievances out on people who aren't really the problem and in a situation where that wasn't appropriate - and make a big effort to keep things professional from now on, but that's all you really need to do to make amends if there isn't anything else they tell you they want you to do.

If you feel like having to keep interacting with them after that is going to be really bad for your mental health, then stepping down might be the better option, but only if that's what's best for you. There's absolutely no reason not to take the money if you do the job.

BTW, you might want to check out Ask a Manager, it's got a lot of advice on handling awkward situations at work, wording things like apologies professionally, and they also have anecdotes of embarassing things at work sometimes, if it'd help to see other people's mistakes.

Look after yourself, Glides.

[Glides]

I left the job after finishing the work they wanted, offered an apology, and refused the money, instead doing the work for free as penance. I couldn't live with myself if I took it and I couldn't continue to work in that space without feeling that wave of overwhelming judgement and hatred for how much I had hurt everyone there even if I didn't mean to. I would deserve that hatred but I can't ever look any of them in the eyes ever again for as long as I live. Really do need the money but need what little tiny shred of pride and dignity I have left more.

[Enail]

I really don't think you needed to do that; you do the work, you deserve to get paid, period. But since it sounds like it was important to your sense of dignity, it was a courageous thing to do when you need the money so badly, so well done on that front.

[Glides]

Anddddddd I just missed the due date to turn in a skills test for another role and had to send an email requesting to remove my candidacy for the job. My god what is going on??? Why am I acting so unprofessional lately??? Had to send another profuse apology email though this time I didn't say anything offensive.

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