High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:44 am

It's been awhile since I posted in here, hasn't it?

Minor update. I've gotten something of a work promotion which is great. Razz

But I'll be honest, I had another post written up, a long winded tearful sad post. I still have it, I'm just not feeling like completely shit right now.

The short of it is though, I'm still pretty lonely. There's some lingering feelings of resentment towards some people even though I shouldn't. Honestly, I'm sorry. I can't help it, the rejections followed up by them getting either new boyfriends or going back to exes hurts like hell.

The loneliness is better some days than others.


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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 02, 2016 1:14 pm

I honestly hope this is a thing for me Laughing


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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 06, 2016 1:09 am

I read DNLs latest Kotaku column, great stuff as usual. Albeit not always applicable.

Though he mentioned this near the end of LW1s response:

Put yourself out there and go on more dates. That’s how you build your experience points.

"Put [myself] out there" was a phrase I never fully understood, I've always put myself out there, I guess. Well, physically, perhaps. But I never really understood what that meant. But, this is also something of a catch-22.

So I'll repeat what I commented on the Kotaku thread. What I’ve always wondered is... how do you go on dates if all the times you’ve asked/talked to people on OLD sites go unanswered or rejected in the flesh?

I never understood that, tbh. I guess I'm just still scared? I don't know anymore...

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Werel on Sun Nov 06, 2016 7:36 pm

"Putting yourself out there" doesn't necessarily just mean going on dates; it's also general-purpose advice to reveal more of yourself, even if it puts you in a vulnerable position. If you tend to be the kind of person who's got a Mask Self (or several) and a more authentic Inner Self you're wary of revealing, that advice can mean "take off the masks and let people see who you are, even if that's scary." YMMV as to whether that advice applies to you personally.

It can also mean "just interact with more people," and that's always good advice for anyone wanting to improve their socializing skills. Meeting and interacting with more people -> getting better at socializing with more kinds of people -> more confidence and skill when you do want to ask out one of the people you've met during the course of socializing more. Taking some of the time you use for solitary hobbies, and re-allocating it to trying to beef up your social networks, is one of the best investments you can make if you're looking to meet potential dates/new friends.
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 06, 2016 8:32 pm

Werel wrote:"Putting yourself out there" doesn't necessarily just mean going on dates; it's also general-purpose advice to reveal more of yourself, even if it puts you in a vulnerable position. If you tend to be the kind of person who's got a Mask Self (or several) and a more authentic Inner Self you're wary of revealing, that advice can mean "take off the masks and let people see who you are, even if that's scary." YMMV as to whether that advice applies to you personally.

It can also mean "just interact with more people," and that's always good advice for anyone wanting to improve their socializing skills. Meeting and interacting with more people -> getting better at socializing with more kinds of people -> more confidence and skill when you do want to ask out one of the people you've met during the course of socializing more. Taking some of the time you use for solitary hobbies, and re-allocating it to trying to beef up your social networks, is one of the best investments you can make if you're looking to meet potential dates/new friends.

Well I also forgot to add that "putting [myself] out there" was advice Married Friend used to give me a lot which I didn't really understand then either.

Hmmm don't you think everyone has a mask they kinda wear? Razz And you've known me long enough to know I have a squishy center underneath that metaphorical mask. Though, I worry more about the Inner mask you're talking about, it's a question of will they or with they not like what's in there? Ya feel? 

Though I'm almost certain when "put [myself] out there" is given as advice, it's probably meant as physically being outside with other humans. Drat. Razz I will admit in the last year or so, I think some of my social skills may have declined/regressed, kind of. But then again, I don't think so. There was a new girl a work who I had to help train and she seemed okay with me as well. Most of my coworkers seem to be okay with me, so I'm not sure.

I met my buddy's new girlfriend and she seemed to like me enough (platonically, mind you Razz), but at the same time I didn't feel 100% there. It did feel like I was putting on a bit of a front, but nothing too far from who I am.

In the end I really just don't have the confidence or skill to ask anyone out successfully even if I have done it before. So that's where it sorta falls apart. I suppose I'm willing to beef up my social networks, but I haven't the slightest idea where to begin considering I'm a full time employee now. Razz

There's a lot of work to be done, still. I was considering asking out the new girl at work but decided against it because you know, don't shit where you eat. But also, we're from different departments... but also it's me we're talking about here. And if we look at my record, I'm as bad as the Cleveland Browns.

Uh-oh

I think I'm gonna get some beer...

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Werel on Sun Nov 06, 2016 9:15 pm

People being "okay with you" is a really good place to start, but it's worth doing some work to bump that up to "most people are fine with me and some people really like me." And yeah, sorry, almost all that work involves hauling your ass out of the house and putting in time face-to-face with people. Razz

The Mikey wrote:I suppose I'm willing to beef up my social networks, but I haven't the slightest idea where to begin considering I'm a full time employee now. Razz
I'm pretty sure that's been covered in this thread before-- there's a whole world of options for social network building when you live in a major city. Meetups, YMCA classes, pub event nights, gaming groups, volunteering, etc etc etc. None of those things require so much time that they're incompatible with a full-time job; the kicker is just actually going and doing them. I'm willing to bet that's the "put yourself out there" advice you've been getting from other friends, and I think everybody in this thread would probably second it. Wink
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 06, 2016 9:58 pm

Werel wrote:People being "okay with you" is a really good place to start, but it's worth doing some work to bump that up to "most people are fine with me and some people really like me." And yeah, sorry, almost all that work involves hauling your ass out of the house and putting in time face-to-face with people. Razz

The Mikey wrote:I suppose I'm willing to beef up my social networks, but I haven't the slightest idea where to begin considering I'm a full time employee now. Razz
I'm pretty sure that's been covered in this thread before-- there's a whole world of options for social network building when you live in a major city. Meetups, YMCA classes, pub event nights, gaming groups, volunteering, etc etc etc. None of those things require so much time that they're incompatible with a full-time job; the kicker is just actually going and doing them. I'm willing to bet that's the "put yourself out there" advice you've been getting from other friends, and I think everybody in this thread would probably second it. Wink

People being "okay with [me]" is just my low self-esteem talking. My buddy with the new girlfriend said I was his favorite which is flattering and humbling and a little weird, but humorous. Razz However, that tells me I've done enough that most really people are fine with me and some may actually like me. Whether or not I'm considered "dateable" is still up in the air. Though I'm willing to bet im likeable enough (albeit still casually awkward) and it's just my shit self-esteem fucking with me.

Yeah, true but also consider the odd hours of my own job, I was waking up at 3:30am to get to work at 5am and then went to bed at 7 or 8pm so I wouldn't collapse. That doesn't really lend itself  to going out to meet new people, Just sayin'. Razz And now I'm starting my new day schedule that seems a little more do-able. I just need to find times where I can work it out with my job.

Also I curse my introversion. By the time I'm off work I don't want to talk to anyone.

Thanks, for the help Werel. You know I appreciate it. <3

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by sky on Mon Nov 07, 2016 10:46 pm

The Mikey wrote:Also I curse my introversion. By the time I'm off work I don't want to talk to anyone.

I am the same. I've had better luck using one day of my weekend to go to an activity with new people to meet than trying to cram things in after work when I'm already tired of people for the day. It doesn't feel like much when my focus is trying to socialize, but one activity per week is all I can fit in without upsetting my introvert balance.
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 11, 2016 2:33 am

sky wrote:
The Mikey wrote:Also I curse my introversion. By the time I'm off work I don't want to talk to anyone.

I am the same. I've had better luck using one day of my weekend to go to an activity with new people to meet than trying to cram things in after work when I'm already tired of people for the day. It doesn't feel like much when my focus is trying to socialize, but one activity per week is all I can fit in without upsetting my introvert balance.

Hey, bud, sorry I didn't see your post on Monday!

I don't know what's wrong with me, I have a Meetup account, but... I don't go. I don't want to go to do things a lot of the time because, well I'm kind of scared of re-socializing a bit. I don't know why. And the times I do go outside, I'm just kinda... wandering around Balboa Park by myself before I go home with eyes welling up. Huuoh, the fuck is wrong with me?

Have I developed some sort of social anxiety thing due to spending so much time by myself for the last 12 years? D:

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by reboot on Fri Nov 11, 2016 12:17 pm

"Put yourself out there" can mean opening up and telling friends you want to meet someone but are struggling. It can be asking them to help, perhaps as wing or perhaps by introducing you to people. It can mean being vulnerable to people you have given a certain image to
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 11, 2016 2:27 pm

reboot wrote:"Put yourself out there" can mean opening up and telling friends you want to meet someone but are struggling. It can be asking them to help, perhaps as wing or perhaps by introducing you to people. It can mean being vulnerable to people you have given a certain image to

Yeah, a lot of my friends know how bad I'm struggling. They can't really help since a lot of them are struggling themselves. So it's a huge cycle of us idiots not really knowing wtf we're doing. Razz It's pretty funny when you think about it.

Though, I dunno how being vulnerable to people I've given a certain image will help, tbh. Not that it won't help, but I'm not sure if they'd be willing to listen, ya know?

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by reboot on Sat Nov 12, 2016 3:36 am

What about your women friends?
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 13, 2016 8:25 pm

reboot wrote:What about your women friends?

Hmmm... let's have a look.

None of my women friends really know anyone either, it's the strangest thing.

I asked Married Friend if she knew anyone (or at least anyone from her church who was single) and pretty much everyone at her church was either married and/or old -- like septuagenarian old. I asked another friend of mine, who for anonymity's sake we'll Kaye, I asked her and she said, "Oh, I know someone; My friend Moe (not real name)!" aka, Anxiety Girl from a few years back. Uh-oh I appreciated the thought, but I let her know that I went out with Anxiety Girl already and it didn't quite work out, except for Anxiety Girl, Kaye didn't know anyone else.

Then I asked my buddy Jonny's now ex-girlfriend if she knew anyone but that didn't go anywhere, they were all too busy with school. Then a few weeks ago, I was talking to Jonny again and his new geeky girlfriend and New Geeky Girlfriend said she didn't have a whole lot of single women friends either. Then the other women friends I currently have for the most part moved away and took their circles with them.

Of the two ladies I interned with, neither Blonde Intern (who moved to Tennessee) or Brunette Intern have any single women friends either (I also feel uncomfortable talking to Brunette IG now that she has a new boyfriend).

I asked another college friend, Mal if she would introduce me to her friend Zee and she said no. Well, all righty. Shrug I'm sure there's others but I can't remember off the top of my head.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Wondering on Sun Nov 13, 2016 8:31 pm

The Mikey wrote:(I also feel uncomfortable talking to Brunette IG now that she has a new boyfriend)

Why is that?

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 13, 2016 8:46 pm

Wondering wrote:
The Mikey wrote:(I also feel uncomfortable talking to Brunette IG now that she has a new boyfriend)

Why is that?

To be completely honest, I don't know. Maybe because we got somewhat close when we worked together, like cuddle close. Hell, we spent Christmas Day in her apartment together a few years back. And I ruined it by asking them out some months later.

Most likely though it's silly stupid lingering feelings that's making me uncomfortable. Shrug

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by reboot on Mon Nov 14, 2016 1:21 pm

Are you really so arrogant to believe you know everyone your women friends know? Grin Or that they cannot help in other ways? Or they will never meet someone new again in their lives? I think you are afraid to open up to them as ask for help so are looking for reasons not to do it.

Opening up to them, including Brunette IG is "putting yourself out there" and being vulnerable. You do not have to do it, but you asked what it was. This is it. Being open and vulnerable
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Tue Nov 15, 2016 7:30 pm

reboot wrote:Are you really so arrogant to believe you know everyone your women friends know? Grin  Or that they cannot help in other ways? Or they will never meet someone new again in their lives? I think you are afraid to open up to them as ask for help so are looking for reasons not to do it.

Opening up to them, including Brunette IG is "putting yourself out there" and being vulnerable. You do not have to do it, but you asked what it was. This is it. Being open and vulnerable

Wha? I don't understand. Arrogant? Maybe a little. Grin ;D Though during a recent viewing of Doctor Strange I did see some of myself in Cumberbatch's portrayal of Stephen Strange (I'm not proud of that actually Uh-oh ). Jokes aside, no... I don't know everyone of their friends. I just know what my women friends have told me. Kaye and I both knowing Anxiety Girl was simply a coincidence, I honestly don't know anyone else in my women friends' extended circles.

However, I don't think many of them can help much anyway since they all have their own lives to handle and helping Mikey get a date most likely is not high on their list of priorities. Like Married Friend, she has kids, a full time job and a husband to look after, I don't think she has much time to wing for me. Razz The only reason I mention her is because we hung out plenty during school. Razz

I'm sure a lot of these ladies will obviously meet new people from time to time, but I highly doubt they'll think "Hmmm, Mikey should go out with girl I now know from work (or wherever)." Don't get me wrong, a lot of my women friends know how bad I'm struggling, but not all of them. 

I am afraid and I'm not afraid of being that vulnerable if that makes sense. If I trust them enough that they'll not think negatively of me, I'll tell them. But it's still really hard, it's like pulling teeth because I don't want them to think I'm talking about them either. It's extremely complicated for me. I've told Married Friend, Mal and Brunette IG (believe it or not, she even said me still being a virgin was commendable) they know how bad I'm struggling, but I don't like talking about it much. Other women friends I don't bother telling them anything at all because either in this thread or another, you or somebody else said it gets exhausting to listen their guy friends' women problems. So I tend to keep that to myself... pretty much all the time except here. Razz But even then that's just me talking to myself, sometimes.

And I guess what I was referring to about being uncomfortable talking to Brunette Intern was my silly stupid lingering hurt feelings. I guess I have "put myself out there" I guess only to get hurt pretty bad. It's gotten to a point where the phrase has lost most of its meaning. :T

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 30, 2016 2:39 am

Another day, another semi-realization. Totally ignoreable (not a word? Pssh, I'll make it one), btw.

I feel as though the older I get still being single, the saltier/more embittered I've become. I hate to admit it, really. Or maybe I just feel this way after seeing and hearing about friends' new relationships.

Fuck.

I know I should be happy for them, but really... I just kinda turn into Sandor Clegane, take a swig of wine and say "Fuck the king." I know this doesn't make sense, but it's the sentiment and emotion Clegane feels that I feel the same way he does in a way. It's extremely hard to describe.

In the end, I don't know what to really feel. Should I feel envy? Disgust? Happy for them? Should I be bitter? Or as Roger Waters asked, "Should [ I ] shout? Should [ I ] scream?" Is it because I've spent so much time alone? Is it because the people I was attracted to have become... distant from me even though they didn't know how I felt about them? Obviously, that last one is my stupid fault... but, eh. It's always my fault whether I did or didn't do anything about it. In the end, it always left me more hurt than I already was. Shrug

Anyway, sorry, just had to get that off my chest.


I really need to get plastered.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Werel on Wed Nov 30, 2016 11:40 pm

Don't beat yourself up too much for not feeling the way you "should." The words "should" and "feel" don't ever go together very well. A better question than "how do I feel like I should?" might be "what in my life makes me actually feel good, and how do I do more of that?"

Obviously, it's not making you feel good to dwell on other people's romantic happiness. And it doesn't seem like it's doing you any good in the "suck up something that feels bad but is worthwhile" way. So: instead, what makes you feel less bitter? What gives you hope? What parts of your life are working for you right now? Can you do more of those things and get out of that salty despairing headspace more often? Jealousy feeds off of you feeling shitty about your whole self and your whole life, so the less shitty you can feel, the bigger a blow you'll be dealing to that jealousy.
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Thu Dec 01, 2016 3:05 am

I did some minor grammatical edits because my wording was weird. Sorry. Razz

Werel wrote:Don't beat yourself up too much for not feeling the way you "should." The words "should" and "feel" don't ever go together very well. A better question than "how do I feel like I should?" might be "what in my life makes me actually feel good, and how do I do more of that?"

Yeah, you're right feelings are complicated as fuck. Though, it's more like "I know feeling this way towards people who are supposed to be my friends is wrong, so why am I so mad or bitter?" The answer is obvious, I don't have it, but their relationships being tossed in my face isn't at all helpful to me.

And to answer your hypothetically proposed question...  what in my life makes me feel good? The fact that I do my job well, that I can eat whatever the hell I want, that I get paid more than I used to. But that only really goes so far. As you know, I don't have the best self-esteem out there considering the amount of time I've spent alone...

Werel wrote:
Obviously, it's not making you feel good to dwell on other people's romantic happiness. And it doesn't seem like it's doing you any good in the "suck up something that feels bad but is worthwhile" way. So: instead, what makes you feel less bitter? What gives you hope? What parts of your life are working for you right now? Can you do more of those things and get out of that salty despairing headspace more often? Jealousy feeds off of you feeling shitty about your whole self and your whole life, so the less shitty you can feel, the bigger a blow you'll be dealing to that jealousy.

No, it's not making me feel good. In fact, some times I'll get mad, yeah I admit it, I'll get upset in my mind. I don't even know why, probably because of stupid bullshit lingering feelings, but I'll get slightly pissed. I'll open snapchat see some silliness, scoff and mutter to myself "Fuck you and your happiness."

Though I don't understand what you mean by "suck up something that feels bad but is worthwhile", sorry. But what makes me feel less bitter or give me hope? Honestly, there's not a lot of hope out there for me with the real lack of success. I don't know what else I could really work on other than expanding my social circle which I see as a Herculean task at the moment seeing as I have no one to go make friends with. At least nobody my age... my social life is on life support and I'm ready to pull the plug.

I mean... there's nothing for me to really seriously be angry or jealous about. I have a decent, steady job where I don't have to work super hard. I really haven't the slightest clue on how to get me out of them salty despairing headspaces, it's stupid how I'm really just lonely but I don't feel like going out to meet new people. I'm gonna get a lot of flak, but a lot of times I wish I could just skip the whole get to know you part.

Honestly, I've always felt shitty about myself and I've always thought women had negative opinions about me too and to some degree I still kinda think they do (or might). Obviously, I know they don't, it's a completely irrational thought that half of the earth's population could hate or think negatively of me, of course it's completely irrational. It's just... fuck, it's hard to think about this logically because it doesn't make any sense. I don't know why, but I can't help but feel I'm being judged horribly and being disregarded.

Like, I can't not think about it. I know my life as a whole isn't bad, it's great! I have no real complaints other than I'm lonely, I have very little dating experience and I'm lonely. And horny, let's not forget that asshole. I know I have to be vulnerable which I've done before and I'm doing it now, but it's not helping me or getting me closer to landing a date.

I'm just... still extremely frustrated both sexually and otherwise. Like this is not the time for me to not be able to handle this at all. As you can see I'm not handling the loneliness and just sad feels all too well at the moment. I usually am pretty good at it, but having been dateless for so long is getting to me, it really messes with my head.

Like I told a friend of mine, platonic relationships are great and all, but at some point a romantic relationship may be in order. I just don't know, it's like magic to me still. I'm not even actively looking and I'm frustrated to all hell.

What's wrong with me...? Goddamn it, I'm just upset and will probably regret this in the morning when I'm not feeling so glum. Forgive me, for I'm an idiot.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Tue Dec 06, 2016 2:58 am

Read the new DNL article today, seemed like solid advice. One problem.

I still don't know how to flirt, much less over text. I know, I know, that's a personal problem for sure. It's something I should "work" on, that's great; but... I don't know how to work on it if I don't know how to flirt in the first place. I've asked before what flirting is, but I've gotten 6 different explanations from 4 different people.

The numbers I pulled outta my ass, but the idea is the same: I *still* don't know how to flirt at all or even what it is.

A buddy of mine once told me, he saw me flirt with a mutual classmate/friend (well I'm not her friend anymore, another story for another day) of ours back in the day. Then as recently as last year one of my co-workers said "Ooh I saw you over there flirting with that girl", I vehemently denied it. The girl just so happened to be a cute student I knew that also played guitar.

I asked what kinda guitar it was because, I'm genuinely interested in guitar.

Anyway, point is idk how to flirt. Still.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Tue Dec 13, 2016 3:09 am

How long has it been since I posted in this sad lonely topic about me?

A week?

>mfw


Just a forewarning: dumbassery ahead...


...


...


...


...

Spoiler:

... I don't have a whole lot to report on. Just more of the same. I read the new DNL column once again, which was interesting. I forgot about this article and the chapstick thing. TBH that sort of "dude stick" thing is pretty silly and upon seeing it I thought was more of a tongue-in-cheek gimmick.

But anyway, what am I here for? Well not a lot, more of the same. I still don't understand why I have feelings of envy towards some of my friends. Like I'll get on snapchat and I'll see a friend I have pantsfeels for and scoff at the pics she's taken with her new boyfriend. Seriously it's more of the same, I was at work on snapchat and sitting not too far from my reporter when I scoff at my phone "Pfffft, what a joke", I say. My reporter looks at me and says "Whaa? What happened?" obviously I say "Oh nothing, just some crap on my phone." Like in that moment when I just instinctively said the first scoff outloud, I felt legit annoyance, envy, anger, a bunch of negative shit. Only because... that's not me, who my friend is with. I shouldn't even feel that way, I'm a few years old than them, they should be with people their age and I with folks my age.

I dunno, it's possible I'm mad at them together because I got sort of close to my friend before her and her current boyfriend got together. I'm scared of losing my friend, I guess. I don't know. It's one of those things where I got frustrated for no real good reason. I suck, I know.

So that's been bugging me.

Yeah I keep hearing about attitude. Well of course it's difficult to keep a "good" attitude when you're alone most of the time. I don't even know what the hell "presentation" is all about, I've tried to dress nice and received zero attention. And I don't fully understand what the Doc's meant by socialization either.

Yes, I know I'm a ball of negativity surrounding the subject of dating, myself and women. Yeah, I know that. And it's extremely hard not to play the blame game, so I blame myself for sucking so bad. I'm trying to re-adjust my attitude, I guess, but it doesn't make sense. How is it possible to even land a date when you know you're going to be turned down anyway? What's the use? How is it that people even get dates in the first place?

I need to stop doing this to myself.

I'm re-reading this article again. And the Doc says this:

You will see every interaction in the worst possible light: “she doesn’t like me, she’s clearly repulsed by me, she’s only being polite, I’m misreading the signals”

I'd like to point out that pretty much every woman I've met in the flesh has had little to zero interest in me. So if past experience has taught me anything, it's probably true, this other person is most likely just being polite and feels nothing for me and yes I've misread enough signals it's most likely wishful thinking and that's probably what they're like. Quick example, a girl who was a mutual friend of one of my church friends shook my hand and she shook it with both of her hands putting one hand on my wrist. That was the first and only time anyone has ever done that, which I thought was strange, comforting and nice. Was it possible this girl had a thing for me? Hell nah, she just did that to another person moments after meeting me.

Reading through the last article I linked... I'll admit I'm scared. I'm too scared to try anymore because I know I'll get hurt again. You guys know how I feel about pain, emotional or physical.

(I'm not a fan.)

Yeah, it's my fault that I'm not really trying anymore. Yeah I know that whining (or as another buddy of mine would call it, wangst, combining 'whining' and 'angst') here isn't doing me any good. Yeah, I know. I just don't feel like trying anymore. But I'm still miserable being lonely as shit. What's wrong with me??

I've come to realize the last time I actually asked out someone in the flesh was over a year ago, good god...

I'll just stop here before it devolves into more madness. Maybe I'll post again in the future, but... still the situation hasn't changed much. I'm sorry I suck as a person throughout all this. I know it's been 5 years since I found DNL and I still haven't gotten any better. I think I need an actual in the flesh coach to kick my ass for it to help.

My brain feels like Bob Geldof at the end of the "One of My Turns" sequence from Pink Floyd's The Wall.


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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Wed Dec 14, 2016 12:13 am

Spoiler:
Jeez, why do I keep feeling horrible? Note to self, don't go outside except for work unless I want to feel even more horrible about myself. However... that's just sad feels talking since I do actually enjoy being outside.

I had the brilliant idea of going to Balboa Park to maybe do some en plen air drawing/painting on my iPad. Kept seeing loads of people on dates, I guess. Young and old, pretty bizarre to see on a Tuesday night, in my opinion. Though I suppose it goes to show how much of a hermit I've really become in the last few months.

So if you're still with us, here's a pic of my dog so we're not all entirely miserable lol.


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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by KMR on Wed Dec 14, 2016 2:25 am

I dunno, it's possible I'm mad at them together because I got sort of close to my friend before her and her current boyfriend got together. I'm scared of losing my friend, I guess. I don't know. It's one of those things where I got frustrated for no real good reason. I suck, I know.

This is a perfectly understandable feeling, I think. I know I've felt this way before. It's an unpleasant feeling, to be sure, and not a very productive one, but it is pretty normal to have thoughts and fears like this. Try not to beat yourself up just for having a certain emotional response, even if it isn't the response you think is appropriate. Telling yourself to stop feeling your unwanted feelings not only doesn't produce the desired response, it usually just makes you feel worse (believe me, I speak from lots of personal experience with this particular mental loop). You can't rationalize your feelings away by arguing that there's no good reason for feeling them. If you're feeling a certain way, there's certainly SOME reason for it, and it ultimately doesn't matter if it's rational or not. You have to acknowledge the validity of your feelings, rather than trying to dismiss them, so that you can then break down and process that reaction in a more productive way.

I'd like to point out that pretty much every woman I've met in the flesh has had little to zero interest in me.

The thing is, even people who have had success in dating have more people who are NOT interested in dating them than those who are. And with the exception of those who luck into relationships without having to really spend much time dating around, these people have a good deal more stories of rejection than they do of success. Which means that a past record of rejections doesn't automatically mean that no one wants to date you, just that the people you happened to ask weren't interested. The chances of success are raised by a) meeting more people and asking more of those people out, and b) finding the types of people who are most likely to be compatible with and interested in you, and finding ways to put forward those aspects of yourself that would appeal to such people.

Yeah, it's my fault that I'm not really trying anymore. Yeah I know that whining (or as another buddy of mine would call it, wangst, combining 'whining' and 'angst') here isn't doing me any good. Yeah, I know. I just don't feel like trying anymore. But I'm still miserable being lonely as shit. What's wrong with me??

It's entirely up to you to decide whether you want to keep trying or stop trying. And you can switch between one or the other whenever you want. And if/when you do decide to try, you get to decide just how much effort you want to put in--whether that means going all out and attending various social events multiple times a week whilst also maintaining an active online dating profile... or just logging in to OkCupid and messaging one person a month. Ultimately, the decision rests upon determining which course of action is going to make you feel better.

I feel like the reason that you're feeling stuck and frustrated right now is because both options are causing you pain--one from the feelings associated with rejection, the other from the knowledge that doing nothing means resigning yourself to being alone for some indeterminate length of time. You want to avoid both types of pain, but you can't; you either try to date and deal with one pain or don't and deal with the other. Which means that in order to feel better, you have to find a way to manage and reduce the impact of at least one of these types of pain. So maybe the question to ask yourself is: which type of pain do you think you could better learn to manage? Or maybe the question is: if you could get over either your fear of rejection or your loneliness, which would you prefer? Would you rather have the ability to persevere through the effort of dating, even in the face of rejection, so that you can feel continually motivated to keep trying to find a partner? Or would you rather have the ability to not feel the loneliness of being single, so that you can find happiness and fulfillment in your life regardless of whether you find a partner?
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Wed Dec 14, 2016 3:58 am

KMR wrote:
This is a perfectly understandable feeling, I think. I know I've felt this way before. It's an unpleasant feeling, to be sure, and not a very productive one, but it is pretty normal to have thoughts and fears like this. Try not to beat yourself up just for having a certain emotional response, even if it isn't the response you think is appropriate. Telling yourself to stop feeling your unwanted feelings not only doesn't produce the desired response, it usually just makes you feel worse (believe me, I speak from lots of personal experience with this particular mental loop). You can't rationalize your feelings away by arguing that there's no good reason for feeling them. If you're feeling a certain way, there's certainly SOME reason for it, and it ultimately doesn't matter if it's rational or not. You have to acknowledge the validity of your feelings, rather than trying to dismiss them, so that you can then break down and process that reaction in a more productive way.

No, it absolutely isn't a fun set of feelings. Especially when you also have pantsfeels/lust/bit of a crush on this friend too. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be their friend but... I'm hurting too and that's not their fault, it's mine.

The thing too is that I feel like a total creepy asshole too for getting upset, jealous and whatnot. It's like not she's with me. And yeah, you're right, the reason I'm feeling this way is because I got a bit of a thing for them. A lot of it is genuine affection because they're an all-around awesome person who's silly and I can be more genuine around them and part of it is also lust because, well... they're wickedly cute and they also have a fantastic butt, among other physical features of theirs I dig.

I'm not sure what you mean by the validity of my feelings, I mean, I know they're real, I've felt them and I said them here. Razz I've also pointed out the reasons why I feel the way I do. I'm just not sure how I could break down or process that in productive ways.

Some time ago, like last year or even earlier this year, I was telling Prajna that maybe a more productive way for me to channel my sexual frustration and energy is by drawing porn, pretty much. I'm still willing to do it, but I'm shy lol.

KMR wrote:
The thing is, even people who have had success in dating have more people who are NOT interested in dating them than those who are. And with the exception of those who luck into relationships without having to really spend much time dating around, these people have a good deal more stories of rejection than they do of success. Which means that a past record of rejections doesn't automatically mean that no one wants to date you, just that the people you happened to ask weren't interested. The chances of success are raised by a) meeting more people and asking more of those people out, and b) finding the types of people who are most likely to be compatible with and interested in you, and finding ways to put forward those aspects of yourself that would appeal to such people.

Yeah, you're right. That was just Sadfeels Mikey talking who sometimes makes a lot of sense even when he's bullshitting me. But I mean, holy shit, it feels like everywhere i turned, there's a sea of rejection with no end in sight. That thing wears down the motivation/will of a person trying to date. :/

The raising of the success rate though brings us to the next topic you were talking about too lol. But I wanted to talk in particular about point "B". Razz I don't really know how to find the types of people who I'd be most compatible with nor do I have a clue on how to put forward aspects of myself that would appeal to them. I've been trying to shed the "nerd/geek/dork" image but I've also been retaining my geek/nerd/dork cred, is that too much of a bait & switch? Here's normal looking Mikey but oh shit, he's into D&D and other nerd stuff.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm trying to appeal to both non-nerd women and nerd women by dressing like a normal dude (or at least attempt to dress nicely) and trying to charm them by being my silly old geeky nerdy and mostly innocent self. I don't know how well that's worked... Uh-oh

KMR wrote:
I feel like the reason that you're feeling stuck and frustrated right now is because both options are causing you pain--one from the feelings associated with rejection, the other from the knowledge that doing nothing means resigning yourself to being alone for some indeterminate length of time.

Goddamn, if I could give you an award for nailing my frustrations down, I would because you nailed it. That's exactly how, why and what I'm feeling.

KMR wrote:
You want to avoid both types of pain, but you can't; you either try to date and deal with one pain or don't and deal with the other. Which means that in order to feel better, you have to find a way to manage and reduce the impact of at least one of these types of pain. So maybe the question to ask yourself is: which type of pain do you think you could better learn to manage? Or maybe the question is: if you could get over either your fear of rejection or your loneliness, which would you prefer? Would you rather have the ability to persevere through the effort of dating, even in the face of rejection, so that you can feel continually motivated to keep trying to find a partner? Or would you rather have the ability to not feel the loneliness of being single, so that you can find happiness and fulfillment in your life regardless of whether you find a partner?

I suppose the latter question would be my question, try to figure out how to be single better. But at the same time it's kind of a double-edged sword because I've never actually felt another person's romantic love. And being a virgin doesn't really help either... so maybe I need to learn to deal with rejection better since I know how to be alone pretty well after having been single for years. It's just hard because like the Doc said in another article, the rejection feels like a negative judgement on me as a whole person. And you guys know how shitty my self-esteem is unless I'm drunk. (In which case I give zero fucks and become a charmer...)

Damn shit self-esteem. But this helped out a lot and actually has made me realize what I should in fact be doing: Actually look for someone, the problem now is where do I go? Razz

THANK YOU, THOUGH. This seriously did help, thank you. :3

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