High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by KMR on Wed Dec 14, 2016 3:35 pm

I'm not sure what you mean by the validity of my feelings, I mean, I know they're real, I've felt them and I said them here. Razz I've also pointed out the reasons why I feel the way I do. I'm just not sure how I could break down or process that in productive ways.

Let me see if I can clarify what I was trying to say. When you've talked about your feelings here, yes, you've acknowledged that they exist and given some reasons for why you have them. But you also use phrases like "I shouldn't even feel that way" and "I got frustrated for no real good reason" and "I feel like a total creepy asshole for getting upset, jealous and whatnot." In other words, you're dismissing the validity of your feelings; you're saying that your reasons for feeling that way aren't good enough to justify your feelings, so you shouldn't be feeling that way. Problem is, you're never going to be able to reason yourself into feeling something different simply by making a logical argument for why you should be feeling something else, because that's not how feelings work. You're just going to get stuck in a loop of "I feel bad. I shouldn't be feeling bad, but I still do. So now I also feel bad about the fact that I can't stop feeling bad."

Here's an example from my own life where I've had these kinds of thoughts... I have a tendency to start crying when I get frustrated in certain kinds of (usually public) situations, for instance when I'm trying to learn something new, like a dance move, and I struggle to get it right away. And as soon as I start tearing up, my knee-jerk reactions are "Oh come on, this is not worth crying over!" and "Great, now everyone's going to think you're pathetic. Stop it!" So I used to approach the issue as "How can I stop myself from crying?" But that never seemed to get me anywhere. It wasn't until more recently when I started telling myself, "Ok, you know what... sometimes you're going to get frustrated to the point of tears. That's just how you react sometimes." And that allowed me to shift my thinking from "How do I stop reacting this way?" to "How can I work through those moments where I get upset in a way that lets me get past the temporary unpleasantness and keep persevering?" And you know what, the more I continued to do the things that made me cry, the more I've gotten used to managing those feelings. And I actually do cry less frequently in these situations now, even though it does still happen.

The raising of the success rate though brings us to the next topic you were talking about too lol. But I wanted to talk in particular about point "B". Razz I don't really know how to find the types of people who I'd be most compatible with nor do I have a clue on how to put forward aspects of myself that would appeal to them. I've been trying to shed the "nerd/geek/dork" image but I've also been retaining my geek/nerd/dork cred, is that too much of a bait & switch? Here's normal looking Mikey but oh shit, he's into D&D and other nerd stuff.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm trying to appeal to both non-nerd women and nerd women by dressing like a normal dude (or at least attempt to dress nicely) and trying to charm them by being my silly old geeky nerdy and mostly innocent self. I don't know how well that's worked...

Your look doesn't necessarily have to correlate with your interests. It's more a matter of personal style. If you want your appearance to be a convenient short-hand for people to get a sense of what you're into, then you can cultivate an archetype for that purpose. But appearance is not the only way to get across who you are. I am someone who doesn't look like the stereotypical nerd, but I tried to portray myself as one for the purposes of dating by putting my geeky interests front and center on my online dating profile. Or when I wanted to make friends in college, I joined geeky clubs because I knew I'd find like-minded individuals there (and because I was interested in the clubs themselves, of course). By going to these places, I was showing myself to be someone who held those interests, even if I didn't look the type.

I don't know if your attempt to appeal to both nerdy and non-nerdy women is necessarily a bait-and-switch issue; not all women who are non-nerdy are going to have a problem dating someone who has those interests, and not all women who are nerds are going to care whether or not you look the part. But I'm generally a proponent of focusing your appeal toward specific types of people rather than trying to attract as many people as possible. Because doing the latter can cause you to dilute the way you present yourself into generic statements that don't really catch anyone's interest. But if you can play up those things about yourself that are fundamental to who you are, even if they're things you think will turn some people off, then the people who share or value those traits will be pretty excited about you. And that's the reaction you really want.

THANK YOU, THOUGH. This seriously did help, thank you. :3

I'm glad that you found it helpful. I'm rooting for you! Smile
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Thu Dec 15, 2016 2:08 am

KMR wrote:
I'm not sure what you mean by the validity of my feelings, I mean, I know they're real, I've felt them and I said them here. Razz I've also pointed out the reasons why I feel the way I do. I'm just not sure how I could break down or process that in productive ways.

Let me see if I can clarify what I was trying to say. When you've talked about your feelings here, yes, you've acknowledged that they exist and given some reasons for why you have them. But you also use phrases like "I shouldn't even feel that way" and "I got frustrated for no real good reason" and "I feel like a total creepy asshole for getting upset, jealous and whatnot." In other words, you're dismissing the validity of your feelings; you're saying that your reasons for feeling that way aren't good enough to justify your feelings, so you shouldn't be feeling that way. Problem is, you're never going to be able to reason yourself into feeling something different simply by making a logical argument for why you should be feeling something else, because that's not how feelings work. You're just going to get stuck in a loop of "I feel bad. I shouldn't be feeling bad, but I still do. So now I also feel bad about the fact that I can't stop feeling bad."

Yeah, feelings are very strange. I've dealt with them before and all, I've just always had difficulty talking about them at length which is clearly something I don't do often. I guess the reason I'm dismissing my feelings is because, they're my friend, I should be supportive of them because that's what friends do, right? Unless they're engaging in dangerous and self-destructive behavior or are with somebody that's awful to/for them... That's all it is, really, so it's definitely a double-edged sword to the feels. Razz

Right now, the best strategy I can think to use is to simply let it go. Yes, I'll feel all this awful shit, but eventually it'll go away. I have other things to worry about same as my friend has other things to deal with. But what else can I actually do? I don't think I can talk to my friend about this since it's my own thing to deal with. Razz

I think that's what I'll do, I'll let myself feel this awful crap... but I'll let go of the awfulness too.

KMR wrote:
Your look doesn't necessarily have to correlate with your interests. It's more a matter of personal style. If you want your appearance to be a convenient short-hand for people to get a sense of what you're into, then you can cultivate an archetype for that purpose. But appearance is not the only way to get across who you are. I am someone who doesn't look like the stereotypical nerd, but I tried to portray myself as one for the purposes of dating by putting my geeky interests front and center on my online dating profile. Or when I wanted to make friends in college, I joined geeky clubs because I knew I'd find like-minded individuals there (and because I was interested in the clubs themselves, of course). By going to these places, I was showing myself to be someone who held those interests, even if I didn't look the type.

I sort of misspoke, I've always dressed I guess like a 'normie'. Never was interested in dressing like neckbeards, I don't mind wearing a silly bit of an eccentric accessory (for example I own a bowler hat that I used to wear for kicks when I was a teen). I'm also like you, I don't dress like the typical nerd. I'm this husky dude in slim fit jeans with a Led Zeppelin (or whatever music/geek related) t-shirt, red old-school Vans, stubble and cropped hair. Except for the shirt, I don't think most people would think I'm on the nerdy side of things. Razz

Also, yeah, what you're describing is pretty much what I've done myself. I'd go to events or clubs at my college for geeky/nerdy stuff that I was for sure interested in, however sometimes I'd never go back because some of the people in there really were awful toxic neckbeards. I'd hang more with the more subtle or shyer nerds. Razz


KMR wrote:
I don't know if your attempt to appeal to both nerdy and non-nerdy women is necessarily a bait-and-switch issue; not all women who are non-nerdy are going to have a problem dating someone who has those interests, and not all women who are nerds are going to care whether or not you look the part. But I'm generally a proponent of focusing your appeal toward specific types of people rather than trying to attract as many people as possible. Because doing the latter can cause you to dilute the way you present yourself into generic statements that don't really catch anyone's interest. But if you can play up those things about yourself that are fundamental to who you are, even if they're things you think will turn some people off, then the people who share or value those traits will be pretty excited about you. And that's the reaction you really want.

That's the hard part for me though is trying to appeal to specific women. Like part of me doesn't want to do that because then I'll be cutting myself off from the women who are in other areas/hobbies I'm interested in. I mean, I'm not just a geek, I'm also a football fan.

I understand that non-nerdy women won't care if you like $geekthing and that the nerdy woman probably wouldn't care if I dressed nice (hell, she might prefer it). But finding that specific of person for me is difficult because I have my hand in so many hobbies I can't just pick one. For example, I play guitar and I like talking to fellow guitarists and musicians, but my life doesn't revolve around music. Or I'm also a budding digital/concept artist, but my life doesn't revolve 100% around art (though it has most of this year). I'm also into photography and video and now that I'm a photojournalist, that's also kind of a big part of my life but I'm not a slave to my job either.

Can you see how trying to appeal to one specific group of people is difficult for me? Razz Because I don't geek out about just one specific thing, I geek out about multiple specific things. And as you talk to me more and more, you'll see that, like most people, I run the gamut of interests. I'm not just a geek (even though that's a big part of me too), I'm also a photojournalist, I'm also an illustrator and so on. I know the kinds of women I'm attracted to, but I'm not exactly like them, at least not fully. I guess what I mean is, I can fit a little bit into what they may like or do, perhaps. An artsy girl sounds great, while I'm not the artsy bohemian type myself, I am indeed a creative.

But I feel like if I can appeal those two types, I think I'm set. I guess what I'm trying to say is, really, I'm not like those other nerd guys who tend to be shitty people. I'm not perfect and I certainly have my shitty moments, but I try to be good. Not nice, not perfect, good. I seriously try to be understanding of everyone but that's impossible. Razz And I think that's what separates my brand of nerdiness/geekyness versus some of the actual asshole gatekeeping nerds of the world (I love it when women play table-top RPGs for example).

This I think is the really hard part, that and I don't know how to or how I can play up the stuff about me that's fundamental to who I am. I know I can't appeal to everyone and I know me being into whatever else I'm into may not jive with some people.

Ultimately, the sticking point here is that who should I appeal towards when I got a hand in a lot of places?

KMR wrote:
I'm glad that you found it helpful. I'm rooting for you! Smile

Aww thanks. I really do appreciate it even if it's hard to think about or difficult to come up with some kind of solution for myself. Shiny/thrilled

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:27 am

Spoiler:
I don't think I'll ever fully understand how it is romantic relationships are ever formed. Having read through the comments on some of the newer DNL articles, it's still a complete mystery. No, I'm not sad or anything like that at the moment I'm just still baffled by it. Since I wrote the last post here, I got some encouragement from the least likely of places -- you know the one, the dumpster fire of the internet.

However, despite their words of encouragement and letting me know that my problems with women are most likely in my brain, I can't help but think that it still takes two to tango. One of the users there mentioned "presentation" which you fine folks here have talked about before, but I never understood what that meant. I replied to that Anon explaining my presentation as my physical appearance/dress, honestly I don't dress like your typical nerd, you'd never guess it by the way I looked. But there was more to it than that, I don't remember the full extent of the conversation.

However given what I know and I replied to said Anon, surprisingly, according to them I had potential. Which is great to hear/read, but I still can't get a good grasp of it. I got back on Bumble and Tinder but still didn't have any matches. Is it perhaps that I don't know at all how to flirt? Seriously, I still don't really know how to show interest I guess. And if I did, maybe I came on too strong? I've been thinking about asking some of the previous women I've asked out what made them turn me down...

...which sounds like a terrible idea, though I can't help but ask. Maybe later, but later never comes. Shrug

I dunno, guys. KMR did nail it right on the head the other day, I'm stuck in a weird frustrating place because I'm not doing anything to better my dateless situation, but I'm also lonely as fuck because I'm terrified of the rejection still. I admit I have some serious self-esteem problems, but doesn't everyone have those kind of issues? I've said it before, in many areas I'm pretty happy/confident in my abilities, but when it comes to women I'm attracted to, I turn into a shy idiot.

I re-read some older posts here about vulnerability and some of it makes sense and some of it doesn't make sense. Werel mentioned "a more authentic Inner Self you're wary of revealing", I like to think I'm usually a pretty authentic person. Sure I keep some things to myself but that's only because those aren't for everyone to see or because that stuff isn't exactly socially acceptable... unless someone knows something about me that I don't. I always thought I was pretty good at interacting with people for the most part, but I've always just had a hard time expressing attraction. I've usually done it by way of asking for dates, as you all know that's never really panned out in my favor. In addition, through past experiences, I've always felt that the women who I did tell I had feelings for saw me differently after, it felt almost as if they were probably disgusted by me. Of course that just may be me projecting my own shitty-ass self-esteem on their silence or rejection, but eh, it still felt like I was being horribly judged. Can't logic my way out of feeling like shit, right? So of course, I actively try to avoid crushing on people, even though I'm sort of crushing on three different women at work... at least on the physical level.

(goddamn it).

Werel also mentioned "it's worth doing some work to bump that up to 'most people are fine with me and some people really like me.'" I'll be honest, I don't know how to do that, I've talked to countless people through work, many of them strangers and most seem pretty I'm happy I'm there. But that's because I'm covering their event/cause and seem to really appreciate the work I'm doing for them. I suppose that's similar to what you were referring, Werel? Razz I'm not exactly sure.

Reboot in a subsequent post, when talking about vulnerability mentioned "It can mean being vulnerable to people you have given a certain image to", to which I had replied to saying I don't know how that would help. Especially since I don't know what kind of image I've given off and I'm pretty scared to find out. Reboot also mentioned being vulnerable is opening up to people, though I like to think there's a time, place and closeness when doing so. I was pretty open with Brunette Intern Girl when we still worked together and look where that led me to. She was right about me being afraid to open up to them because, well, I've been hurt before by doing that, plus... I wouldn't want someone who's coupled up to question my intentions when I'm being genuine. That's also another reason I don't really speak to my female friends about my dating issues and I also don't want to unload all that bullshit of mine on them, so I keep it to myself and here in this little thread. It's a nice quarantine zone/containment area, if I do say so myself. Razz

And I've expressed my concerns to you guys about what others (in particular women) may think about my intentions when discussing my feelings about stuff, but those concerns have been... ignored sort of, so I'm left even more confused.

Something else I wanted to add is... how can you tell when some one is into you when nobody's interested in anyone? Quick example, a buddy of mine from another forum, recounted the story of how he met his current fiance. There was one detail he mentioned where he realized that this girl was into him... I was extremely tempted to ask "How could you tell?" Instead I half-jokingly said "I woulda thought she was just being polite" followed by my trademark Mikey laugh. Razz

Facepalm

But it's true! I really would think they were being polite if I was in my buddy's shoes. And that's sort of how I think most of the time because... in my lived experiences, nobody wants to date anyone. Ultimately that "anyone" is English for me because then the next week or however long the person who I was into is suddenly dating someone else.

And of course, I still don't know how to flirt...

It's just one of those nights, I guess where I'm still lost after seeing people on Imgur and in the flesh. Like I said, I don't think I'll ever fully understand how it is romantic relationships are ever formed. Whether or not I meet new people outside in the flesh, chances are they won't be interested or will be coupled up, which somehow might be my fault cuz hey, it always is. Right?

I'm sorry, everyone. I'm an idiot.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Wondering on Mon Dec 26, 2016 9:13 pm

Mikey, I think one thing you might be struggling with is that you seem to be framing all relationships in terms of romantic relationships. And since DNL is about dating and romantic relationships, I get it. However, not all relationships are about romance. And not to speak for reboot, but to me what she meant about being vulnerable was not specifically about being romantically vulnerable to people you might potentially be romantically interested in. But that's how you seem to have taken it.

You can be vulnerable to people you're not romantically interested in. You can be vulnerable about parts of your life or personality that aren't your romantic life. And I think doing this might help you in the larger picture. Learn how to open up to people (another way of saying "be vulnerable") who aren't (potential) romantic interests about parts of your life that aren't romance-related. You sound very often like a person who is closed off and only thinks about opening up romantically and then hits an emotional wall of how and with whom to do that.

So, for example. When I have co-workers I'm friendly with, the first thing I am usually vulnerable about is my diabetes and how much that affects my life and how I deal with that. I don't do it by a troubles/feelings dump, but I start by saying things like, "Yeah, gotta test my blood right now." Or, "Oh, no, I can't eat that [office goody] because I don't know how many carbs are in it." Or, "Feeling a little funky right now. I'm going to have some juice." and just making that part of my conversation and making it an understanding other people need to have of who I am.

That might sound basic. It IS who I am and it is a part of every minute assessment I do of my life, but talking to people about it is being vulnerable. Because some people have problems with folks who have disabilities, and a lot of people have really negative attitudes toward diabetics in general. And some people in a work place may think it negatively affects my work and makes me unreliable. The ADA makes that illegal, but illegal doesn't mean not present.

So, are there people in your life who are friendly but not friends that you could open up to about parts of your life and personality that are NOT romantic? Can you practice opening up and being vulnerable to people who are not romantic prospects and about topics that aren't romance-related? You often seem like you want to go from 0-60 on the romance front without doing some of the other grounding work of having a happy life with fulfilling friendships with other people first. Maybe try to learn how to open up to people in a lower stakes (to you) context before you worry about how to flirt. Learning to be open and vulnerable in general should help you become more comfortable with taking romantic chances (which you will need to do).

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Mon Dec 26, 2016 11:36 pm

Wondering wrote:Mikey, I think one thing you might be struggling with is that you seem to be framing all relationships in terms of romantic relationships. And since DNL is about dating and romantic relationships, I get it. However, not all relationships are about romance. And not to speak for reboot, but to me what she meant about being vulnerable was not specifically about being romantically vulnerable to people you might potentially be romantically interested in. But that's how you seem to have taken it.

Sadly, yes. I'm working with info I have here and based on the context of where I am I post and think accordingly. Razz So yeah, I'll mistakenly frame a lot of this stuff in terms of dating/romance. Yeah, you're correct, not all relationships are about romance at all, I have some very non-romantic relationships with a lot people that include both men & women. And yeah I can see that being the case now with what reboot said, eff me. Facepalm

Wondering wrote:
You can be vulnerable to people you're not romantically interested in. You can be vulnerable about parts of your life or personality that aren't your romantic life. And I think doing this might help you in the larger picture. Learn how to open up to people (another way of saying "be vulnerable") who aren't (potential) romantic interests about parts of your life that aren't romance-related. You sound very often like a person who is closed off and only thinks about opening up romantically and then hits an emotional wall of how and with whom to do that.

Yeah, I think you nailed the "closed off" part well. Embarassed Then again, I learned very quickly on my 24 years -- soon to be 25 -- here on Earth that not everyone wants to hear or truly cares about what I have to say. Which led to me becoming more and more voluntarily closed off, I say voluntarily because, ask me whatever you'd like and I just may have an answer for you*. But usually no one asks me anything, all they know is I'm friendly, otherwise I don't say much about myself to anyone unless it comes naturally in conversation. Or maybe if in a conversation that people I know are having there's a something that happened or I had a similar experience, I'll add my 2-cents.

Quick example, I was speaking to a fellow photographer and he mentions to me how he's rather confrontational when he feels something is wrong, I tell him I'm more peaceful/laid-back or even passive since getting worked up about small, petty, non-issues regarding our jobs is mostly a waste of time & energy. The way you're describing being vulnerable I feel is kinda how I was with my co-worker that day.

Wondering wrote:
So, for example. When I have co-workers I'm friendly with, the first thing I am usually vulnerable about is my diabetes and how much that affects my life and how I deal with that. I don't do it by a troubles/feelings dump, but I start by saying things like, "Yeah, gotta test my blood right now." Or, "Oh, no, I can't eat that [office goody] because I don't know how many carbs are in it." Or, "Feeling a little funky right now. I'm going to have some juice." and just making that part of my conversation and making it an understanding other people need to have of who I am.

Heh, I gotcha. I'm somewhat the same way, hell, I think I'm doing it right now even. Though usually I'll tell people stuff if I'm comfortable enough with them or if the time and place is right. Another work example, me and three other photogs went to lunch at a pizza place and when we sat down I said "One thing you guys gotta know about me, I eat a lot, or I can eat a bunch and have room for thirds."

Or when I was with a reporter that I knew but didn't work closely with them, I told them that I'm pretty nerdy and she asked me what the difference was between geeks and nerds. Razz

May not be exactly like your examples and experiences with diabetes, but I recognize times in my life where I have indeed been vulnerable as mentioned.

Wondering wrote:
That might sound basic. It IS who I am and it is a part of every minute assessment I do of my life, but talking to people about it is being vulnerable. Because some people have problems with folks who have disabilities, and a lot of people have really negative attitudes toward diabetics in general. And some people in a work place may think it negatively affects my work and makes me unreliable. The ADA makes that illegal, but illegal doesn't mean not present.

I understand what you mean, it's a part of you and mentioning it briefly so others can understand who you are as a person. Plus it helps weed out people who may be jerks to you.

Wondering wrote:
So, are there people in your life who are friendly but not friends that you could open up to about parts of your life and personality that are NOT romantic? Can you practice opening up and being vulnerable to people who are not romantic prospects and about topics that aren't romance-related? You often seem like you want to go from 0-60 on the romance front without doing some of the other grounding work of having a happy life with fulfilling friendships with other people first. Maybe try to learn how to open up to people in a lower stakes (to you) context before you worry about how to flirt. Learning to be open and vulnerable in general should help you become more comfortable with taking romantic chances (which you will need to do).

Oh of course, mostly my fellow photographers. My co-workers I've spoken to and been vulnerable about either work stuff or non-work stuff, like what I think about $sportsteam or $tvshow. I've had plenty of happy fulfilling friendships though, sometimes they run their course, however I don't dislike the other person when that happens either. Razz When you put being vulnerable in that sort of context, I realize I've practiced how to do that for a long time with non-romantic prospects about things that have nothing to do with romance at all. Kinda sobering now that I think about how very rarely I speak about romantic stuff even with friends and though I speak about this more with my closest male friends.

And yeeeah, flirting has just been something I've never had a handle on because, well... I don't want to make the other person uncomfortable or creep them out. As you guys know, my attraction to others, I tend to keep to myself for the same reasons, I don't want creep out the person I'm attracted to. So taking romantic chances is still difficult for me because... it's embarrassing for me when it doesn't pan out and I would rather not have the other person be uncomfortable with me or lose them as a friend or potential friend. Just a weird loop I'm in, sorry if a lot of this doesn't make sense.

As always, thank you and I appreciate the response, Wondering.


*I'm being serious btw, if there's anything that anyone wants to know about me, you're more than welcome to ask. No question is taboo. : )

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Wondering on Tue Dec 27, 2016 1:45 am

The Mikey wrote:Oh of course, mostly my fellow photographers. My co-workers I've spoken to and been vulnerable about either work stuff or non-work stuff, like what I think about $sportsteam or $tvshow.

Can I ask what sorts of things you've talked about regarding TV shows or sports teams that you class as being vulnerable? Honestly curious, because that's not the sort of conversation I would consider to show a vulnerability. Unless you're talking about how you identify with someone or event on the TV show that shows a vulnerability in yourself.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Tue Dec 27, 2016 4:47 am

Wondering wrote:
Can I ask what sorts of things you've talked about regarding TV shows or sports teams that you class as being vulnerable? Honestly curious, because that's not the sort of conversation I would consider to show a vulnerability. Unless you're talking about how you identify with someone or event on the TV show that shows a vulnerability in yourself.

In regards to sports stuff I'd be like "Oh if I was this coach for this team, I woulda done this move versus that move", stuff like that. With TV shows, it's a little different, more like how we feel towards certain characters and their motivations. Quick example, is how I'd tell Finnish Friend during our Game of Thrones viewings how I saw a lot the character Podrick Payne within myself, noble boy devoted to his responsibilities who wants to do right by those who he works for.

Though, overall, yeah, sports/TV was a bad example, I'm sorry.

Perhaps a better example maybe would be me expressing frustrations about my job with my fellow photogs.

Or did I once again misunderstand what ya'll were saying? Sad

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Sun Jan 15, 2017 1:02 pm

I know you fine people here aren't interpreters of dreams... but I feel like I need to share a few things I've been having swirling in my head this past week. Including as recently as just last night...

Spoiler:

I think it was last Sunday night I get a text from an old geeky co-worker who I sort of had a bit of a crush on when we still worked together. She's still a friend, she's great and hilarious regardless of my feelings for them. She appeared in a dream and as I debated texting her about my dream she texts me, almost as though I communicated telepathically. Bear in mind that I haven't seen this person in almost three years since they moved to Tennessee. Out of nowhere they show up in my dream.

Though this is possible due to her texting me the week before about her break up in December. The dream itself wasn't horrific but did bum me out a bit. In it, I don't remember where exactly I was but I was in the same room with her. I let her know in the dream how I felt about her, while she was flattered in the dream she left me and didn't want to speak to me.

Ironically Geeky Co-worker and I been texting quite a bit this past week. It's strange, somewhat disconcerting.

Then just last night I had an even stranger dream. This time involving Intern Girl and Blonde Intern from almost three years ago too and one of my buddies. The dream itself seemed a bit normal from the start, the four of us were going to some gala, fancy black-tie dance thing as though it was the end of the year. Then I black out. I wake up, it's morning and I'm in a bed with both interns and my buddy. They're still asleep, I'm the only one who's awake but they all slowly begin to wake up. I don't even know what exactly happened in the dream at all between us being awake and us waking up in a bed together. What I noticed in the dream though was they were all naked except I was still in my pajamas. I could hear myself asking "What happened? What did we do...?" I tried to cuddle Intern Girl in the dream before I figured out her state of undress in the dream and she pulled away. As the two girls went to shower I laid in the bed with my homie and I asked him "Dude, seriously, what the hell did we do?"

I could almost hear him laugh and say "I don't know."

"I don't know"... pretty poignant. I don't understand. I don't know why the interns (of all people why them?) appeared in what is a heavily implied sexual dream, one in which I clearly didn't partake in. Are my previous frustrations leaking into my subconscious and dreams?

Sorry, I just had to take that off my chest. Those were the more vivid dreams I've had this week that really shook me. They left me feeling like Capt. Willard; tired, angry, sad, frustrated, confused and desperate for the need of escape from... my brain, really.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Thu Jan 26, 2017 2:31 am

So are we sure there's no real guaranteed way of killing romantic and sexual desire?

Maybe it's because I'm turning 25 that I'm feeling like shit about myself -- again, but what else is new?

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by reboot on Thu Jan 26, 2017 8:31 am

The Mikey wrote:So are we sure there's no real guaranteed way of killing romantic and sexual desire?

Maybe it's because I'm turning 25 that I'm feeling like shit about myself -- again, but what else is new?

Nothing guaranteed to kill sexual desire in everyone on the planet, but something can kill it for a specific individual at a specific time. Some things are more likely to have this outcome (e.g. throwing up on them, hurting them if they did not ask you to, pushing/trying to do something after they indicated they were not interested) and are easily avoided as a rule.

However, just avoiding those actions does not mean that sexual/romantic desire cannot be killed for a specific individual in a specific moment. You could unintentionally remind someone of something bad, make them think of their asshole ex because you cracked the same joke, they can decide that they are not up for it right then for $reason, etc. These things are much harder to avoid and really cannot be predicted, so you just need to take it in stride and dial things back
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Thu Jan 26, 2017 1:16 pm

reboot wrote:
Nothing guaranteed to kill sexual desire in everyone on the planet, but something can kill it for a specific individual at a specific time. Some things are more likely to have this outcome (e.g. throwing up on them, hurting them if they did not ask you to, pushing/trying to do something after they indicated they were not interested) and are easily avoided as a rule.

However, just avoiding those actions does not mean that sexual/romantic desire cannot be killed for a specific individual in a specific moment. You could unintentionally remind someone of something bad, make them think of their asshole ex because you cracked the same joke, they can decide that they are not up for it right then for $reason, etc. These things are much harder to avoid and really cannot be predicted, so you just need to take it in stride and dial things back

Heh, well I meant more for myself. I've tried throwing myself to my work and exercise before, but I still feel the want (and need) for human interaction and intimacy.

It fucking sucks.

Even in my dreams I've gotten rejected, how shitty is that? Neutral

Well, I guess this really is the end of the line for me on this forum. I know I said it before sometime ago but I wasn't really sure then. I think I'm sure of it now. I'll keep this thread and my account open until Saturday. I don't really know what I'm gonna do afterwards... I'll prolly still follow DNL, but I probably still remain somewhat miserable and lonely for some time.

Eh, whatever, such is life.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Werel on Fri Jan 27, 2017 12:54 am

Sorry things feel hopeless, Mikey, and you haven't found anything that's worked well for you yet. We'll miss having you around as a poster, but you gotta do what's right for you! Godspeed and good luck buddy!
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Fri Jan 27, 2017 4:45 am

Werel wrote:Sorry things feel hopeless, Mikey, and you haven't found anything that's worked well for you yet. We'll miss having you around as a poster, but you gotta do what's right for you! Godspeed and good luck buddy!

Yeah, it's okay. I'll eventually find a way, I think; if not... I dunno.

A lot of it is just my stupid fear of rejection and some stupid self-esteem crap. For now, I think I'm giving up. I know it's silly to be scared of the attractive ladies I've met and been enthralled by but my fear still remains. :/

Thanks, Werel, you're the best. I still have your PM from months ago as well.


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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Enail on Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:36 pm

All the best to you, Mikey!
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Sat Jan 28, 2017 1:26 am

Aww thank you, Enail. :3 -hugs-

If any of y'all want to still keep in contact with me, you can still email me through mikeyramone00@gmail.com or hit me up on Skype at mikerramone. Just lemme know what your screen name was here on the forum for me to remember lol. Imma let my account still active til tomorrow morning.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by reboot on Sat Jan 28, 2017 11:52 am

Sorry to see you go, but wishing you all the luck and happiness there is
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Sat Jan 28, 2017 12:36 pm

reboot wrote:Sorry to see you go, but wishing you all the luck and happiness there is

Thanks, Reboot. Keep kickin ass and taking names in the international community.

Well, today is Saturday. Time to make good on what I said earlier, time to go. Love you all, platonically of course. :3

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey on Sun Jul 29, 2018 9:47 pm

I thought I was gone for a lot longer...

Guess not.

I’ll make a proper update sort of post soon. ;D
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey on Mon Jul 30, 2018 11:21 pm

I left the forums last year in a bit of a down point. It was no one’s fault but mine. But looking back on this thread and looking at where I am now I can see there’s been quite a bit of growth there.

I’m not writing this with sorrow or sadfeels, just reflecting on stuff since I took off from here. I’m writing from the heart here. Smile

As you could perhaps imagine, I’m still single. I’ve come to accept that more or less, but that’s not to say I don’t get lonely, I do.

However, it’s strange that in the year and change since my departure, my feelings have mellowed out or at least I’ve gotten a better grasp on them. Meaning, I’ve sort of taught myself to not get upset by trivial things I can’t necessarily control. I still get irritated by work, but everybody does.

I managed to meet with a few women from OLD last summer which was nice, but nothing came from either. I’m somewhat amazed I did it without the guidance of you guys here or anyone really. Of the two, I thought one went really well, but ended up ghosting me. In her defense, she had applied to a job on the east coast, the interview apparently went well. While I was saddened by the silence more than anything, I eventually let it go but she was great. Snarky, tall, blonde and admitted to having a red shoe fetish (!) to which I quipped “Had I known I would’ve worn my red Vans. Laughing I got on with her quite well, but perhaps she could sense my nervousness, that’s something I need to get a handle on better when dealing with women I’m attracted to. Razz The other woman didn’t really go anywhere either, but that was funnier since she said “i have to go now” got up and left while I was eating my bagel. Shit was really funny looking back on it, she also did us a favor, getting kind of answer was like pulling teeth nor did she ask me stuff.

I really know how to pick em, though don’t I? Razz

Last spring I met up with some friends from Orange County (they’re awesome and engaged) and we went to Disneyland, the bride-to-be over FB chat told me her redhead best friend was going along. She also said she did mind if I flirted with her BFF. rofl Let’s just say awkward Mikey was awkward, I went for a high-five instead of a handshake. Laughing Now my buddies won’t let me live it down, regrettably I didn’t make much of an impact on Redhead BFF but I had to actively remind myself she lived too far from me for anything to actually happen. I mean, I’m willing to try an LDR... but not as my first. Uh-oh I later met her again in the summer and got a hug, that was nice. Feeling loved Tried to meet up a third time during Dapper Day, but that wasn’t going to work logistically.

Since then I’ve tried to let her go, but the Redhead BFF is still in my noggin from time to time, even popped into my dreams a few times Uh-oh . All around, she’s an awesome nerdy person.

I’ve also recently discovered... I think I may be gray-a/sexual-ish? Is it possible that ones orientation could shift from hetero to gray-a? I feel like a lot of my previous feelings of despair around sex were really just my feelings of loneliness from not having a partner, romantic or sexual. I kinda figured this after asking myself why I lust (and lusted) after certain woman friends as opposed to others, barring purely physical attraction — I mean, that helps but that’s only skin deep. I figured that with those women, I enjoyed their company, the things they said, the things they did, their kindness and of course their warm hugs too. Wink Versus other women in the past who while they were cute I couldn't figure them out and while I could recognize their physical attractiveness, I myself wasn't attracted to them. Shrug

That's sorta why I'm on the fence about being a gray-A/sexual-ish. Does that make any sense? I mean, I realize that sexual orientation is accepted as being fluid now and that's kind of a relief. I'm still hetero-romantic, I still like my women, but looking back when I was a kid going through puberty... I more or less thought it seemed more natural to become friends first which I understand can cause me some frustration and even more so as an already shy person. Razz

It's okay, like I tell the Desk at work, "I'll figure something out."

Pretty recently, as far back as earlier this month, me and some friends had a get together. One of my high school buddies got married a few months back so we all got together. The roster was Dean and his wife Lucy and her bff Kirsten, my homie Mick and his gf Chelsea and the rest of our crew. During Dean and Lucy's wedding, I had gotten pretty wasted (then again, everyone did including their parents) and Kirsten helped me pull out the couch so i could go to sleep. Well at the hangout this month Kirsten recognized me and thought it was pretty funny (as did I).

I went on a burrito & booze run with Kirsten and Chelsea, hilarity ensued since we were a lil buzzed. We all compared heights, Chels was the tiniest with me being the tallest and I correctly guessed Kirsten's height, she was one inch shorter than me (which btw i found highly attractive).

Later that night, I went on a second booze run with Chelsea and she was encouraging me to get Kirsten's number, I told Chelsea "Maybe, I don't want to step on any toes. I'm also trying to be respectful to [Kirsten]." To which Chelsea said "Aww, Mikey that's so nice of you! But also, seriously dude, get it in!" I was a little embarrassed but the encouragement to get laid was nice and appreciated. Laughing I did consider it.

It's been about three weeks and I seriously did drop the ball on getting Kirsten's number. Thought about texting Dean and asking if Kirsten would be ok with sending me her digits. Maybe in person it'd be better. Fuckin' a.

I'm rambling now aren't I? Sorry, there was supposed to be a point to all this. I think, like I said earlier, I've mellowed out, let myself feel everything, good bad and the ugly (much like my favorite movie). It's been a wild ride so far, this year I haven't met anyone else new, I'm having a hard time trying to summon the power to actually go to some meetups. Mainly because I feel disingenuous going to some because in the back of my mind, I know I'm going with somewhat of a different purpose and that's not cool. I had the idea of doing 52 cold approaches, but I've yet to do one. So that's my bad, but I don't feel awful about it considering it's my choice, just in the back of my mind I still feel cold approaches seem weird. Shrug

So what do ya'll think? While that's not every single thing in my life the last year up to this point, it's just some the highlights. That said... there are a few glimmers of hope, I'm not as bad as I think I am. That's more or less gotten me out of some of the negative thoughts I've had before. For example when the Breeders Cup was in town last year, I had to go cover a gala with Bill Walton next door to a fancy Breeders Cup party. My point of contact was lovely and appreciative of my patience that at one point she even said "[and] Mikey if you follow me, here you'll meet here a lot nice single ladies!" Another example is a few reporters at work have asked me about my personal life which i'm more than happy to talk about, one told me "Eh, you're good looking, get swole bro!" She likes teasing me lmao. Then one of the new reporters said "Oh [Mikey's] great, he's so kind, I tried to get him to drink."

And so on.

All i gotta say it hasn't been all bad. My favorite professor used to say "It's not as bad as it seems, 'It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.'"
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Hielario on Tue Jul 31, 2018 6:12 pm

I feel like you don't want to get laid... you want an entire romance, the whole nine yards. That's why you're so ambivalent and kinda passive.
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey on Tue Jul 31, 2018 9:16 pm

Ehh, yes and no. There’s a clear distinction in my mind between the women I’m interested in sleeping with, the women I want to date (and eventually sleep with) and then the ladies I’m genuinely not interested in (but will be more than happy to be friends with).

I feel like, you’re right in the sense that I definitely do want the romance, for sure. However, sex isn’t entirely off the table for me, but I realize more as I’ve gotten older that it’s not at the top of my priorities. Yes, I’m interested in getting laid, but I want to sleep with the right person, not necessarily the next available person. I’m definitely interested in the gooey lovey stuff more though, because, let’s be honest here, I am a softie. I used to be really shy about hugs growing up, maybe a bit anxious about getting hugs from girls (I had this weird idea that girls only hugged boys they were dating, no idea where it came from tbh, but I’d get hugs from girls I knew who were dating others so that for some reason put a little on edge; I later discovered I actually really like hugs and don’t mind hugging people of either gender).

Ultimately, you’re not too far off, I mean, with certain women I do feel more wholesome heartfeels than I do pantsfeels. Razz Its entirely possible that it’s also infatuation, I don’t know for sure. But having an actual relationship with someone first and then sex second I think is a bit more important to me — that’s not to say I don’t have a dirty mind either. Laughing
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Hielario on Sat Aug 04, 2018 8:41 am

Desires change with time. I used to want all the entire romance thing, too.
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey on Thu Sep 13, 2018 3:12 am

Hielario wrote:I Desires change with time. I used to want all the entire romance thing, too.
I hate it changing. I don’t know what to feel at the moment.

I wanted to post this on DNL prime, but I figure maybe it’d be healthier here? I dunno. I’ll probably post it there too verbatim so the context works. There was a comment talking about where the heck it would be appropriate to flirt or ask for a date. Sounds like there’s not many places, which is fair. But here’s my comment...

I’ll fully admit that I struggle with [meeting women] a lot too. It’s the main reason I don’t bother with cold approaching — on top of the fact that I don’t know how to flirt — if I know I’m most likely going to be turned down anyway. So, why literally and figuratively bother?


I see a lot of the signs and wonder still how anyone meets anyone. I’ve thought about going to things/events/what have you but I feel dishonest about going to some of them because I know why I’m there — to try and meet Mrs. Mikey. However, that doesn’t feel genuine to me as a person, so I still don’t bother going.


It makes me feel like an asshole because I’m horrifically lonely, but I can’t bring myself to go to a social thing because I know why I’m going. So then I don’t feel honest and it becomes a huge mental mess I’m not gong to get into right now.


Eh, ignore me, I’ve been feeling extremely lonely and just shitty today.


I was also gonna make another reply about things I’ve noticed on OLD... but that’s for another day.
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Hielario on Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:29 am

Is there no event you would want to go in your own? You could pick one you like anyway and then add the "meeting girls" part as an extra. Like going to the mall to buy clothes and then also checking the game section because, hey, it's in the same building.
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey on Mon Sep 17, 2018 1:04 pm

I would (and have, I’m a solitary man), but I know myself too damn well to know that I’m never going to actually approach anyone.

If I do muster up the courage to actually approach anyone it’s because I’m trying to get a date. I feel like a lot of women can see through that bs and either be hostile or flat out say no and then I’m back where I started. So then I would have wasted my time and theirs. :/

(And because I like making fun of myself, pictured here is me trying to figure out this dating stuff)
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

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