Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

[The Mikey]

Ahh I feel dumb and silly. Got back from a wedding a bit ago and I feel dumb.

The girl I’ve been crushing on/pining over was there, and I was too afraid to try and talk to her more. I was too afraid to ask her for a dance when they did the slow dance initially, I mean, she wasn’t super far away. I was afraid. -sigh-

I really need to let her go, or try and slide into her Instagram DMs or something, I dunno just to get her out of my system. -sigh-

EDIT: I don’t really know what the hell is wrong with me, tbh.

[Hielario]

Paralyzing fear. You haven't experienced it before?

Upon an important action whose result is uncertain, and for which there seems to exist a high possibility of catastrophic failure, it is normal to become paralyzed, unable to act in any sense. Any course of action seems to be extremely risky, and therefore one becomes extremely worried and unable to act, or at least the second.

The common solutions are either merciless logical dissection of the initially perceived risk, asking for someone else's opinion and support, and/or deliberate high risk-taking behavior akin to gambling.

This author has also experimented with temporary massive emotional blocking, yielding mixed results, but it is not available to all human subjects. Acknowledging that the initial situation of absolute sexual/romantic frustration and emotional misery will not be worsened by the most negative result of the possible actions, or at least not in a degree worth quantifying, is another method that this author would like to propose, since it renders the perceived costs and dangers of the action as negligible in the bigger picture, downplaying the perception of risk if not deactivating it completely.

Obviously, it goes without saying that these last two methods require constant personal self-reminding of the fact that to produce suffering of other people is both unnecessary and ethically unacceptable, except as direct retaliation against a fully deliberate aggression.

(I have been studying Political Behavior for a week and a half, and I seem to be stuck. Please send help, .)

[The Mikey]

I... I’m not so sure I fully understood what you said, bud.

I’m also very sorry I didn’t reply in over 6 months.

I’m feeling sad and lonely again and I don’t know what to do about it anymore.

[The Mikey]

Been about a month, eh?

This past week was a little interesting, I asked a coworker for coffee/beer, she seemed keen on it. I asked for her number the following day and then yesterday I texted her about going for something today. She had mentioned to me she was going to the dentist previously when I got her number.

But i never got a text back at all. I'm guessing I fucked up somewhere. In my text I said it was me... or idk. Way to fail, me, way to fail.

[The Mikey]

Yep, i been drinkin again.

[Hielario]

Or maybe you didn't do anything wrong and she just lost her interest. Or maybe she just doesn't like to text. Please stop torturing yourself. Not everything is your fault!

[The Mikey]

I dunno, I must have done something wrong if she lost interest that quick. Or maybe I did something wrong and didn't attract that interest. Or maybe she saw right through my intentions? (A date after non-work-context conversation.) I never made that bit explicit, it was just beer/coffee. Then perhaps depending on that hangout I woulda asked for an actual date.

Or maybe she just blatantly ignored my text?

Ahh, i dunno...

Funnily enough, I saw her yesterday. I thought she was scheduled a little later after I was off work, thought there was a bit of a buffer and I wouldn't see her. Lol nope. It wasn't awkward at all, and no I'm not being sarcastic. I was exiting the bays when I jokingly said "Hey you!" but I don't think she heard me, or ignored me. Then as I was leaving proper, I said "Hey Sports Girl, bye Sports Girl."

Then she whisperingly groaned "I don't want to be heeere." She was drafted to be the weekend sports anchor now after some changes. I said then "All righty, I'll cya on Tuesday!" She didn't say much after, probably stressed about anchoring, can't say I blame her about that. Or maybe she feels weird around/hates me now, either of which I didn't want to happen.

[Hielario]

In my experience, people can't be trusted on IM. Maybe she just didn't want to go out so she didn't bother to answer.

[The Mikey]

That’s entirely possible. But she seemed down in the flesh when I talked to her last week. Idk what I coulda done right or wrong.

[The Mikey]

Guess I officially started therapy. We’ll see how it goes, my therapist seems awesome.

[Hielario]

Well, good luck with that!

[Werel]

Awesome! Hope you found a therapist who you click with, and that it’s helpful for you!

[The Mikey]

Yeah I hope so too. I’ve seen her twice now. I think I’ll see her monthly, I’m still trying to crack open my noggin with her and trying to get to my dating issues.

I have another friend who’s also a therapist and she tells me I need to work on my self-esteem lol. (She recommended my current therapist to me.) She also recommended i bring up the subject of sex to my therapist since even when my friend and I cuddle, I get a little nervous and ticklish and tremble. Which, yeah, is a little weird.

I dunno what’s wrong with me.

[Werel]

I think it's not particularly weird to respond strongly to physical contact if you don't get a lot of it, or if it's a kind of physical contact you don't get often, or even if you're just a person who reacts strongly to physical contact! If it doesn't bother you, then there's no problem and definitely nothing "wrong" with you.

[The Mikey]

Well I mean, a lot of the times she puts her bare hands on my body under my shirt, my ticklish side take over and I recoil a little bit. Or she’ll put her hands in my waistband, I yelp a little. The touching doesn’t bother me at all. What does bother me is my body convulsing and my reflexes kick in when she touches me in more intimate areas or close to intimate areas.

I’ll admit I’m stupidly awkward about my own body lol. She suggested I do partnered dancing to get over that anxiety but that makes me anxious as hell is I’m terrified of getting an erection mid dance and the poor girl I’m paired off with feeling it on her body.

That shit is terrifying to me. Therapist friend is a gem and when we cuddle, she tells me “I don’t care if you get boners.” So that’s nice, but that doesn’t mean other ladies may not.

[KMR]

I'm pretty ticklish near my more intimate areas and can respond like that in reaction to certain kinds of touch, so what you're describing doesn't sound all that abnormal to me.

Re: partnered dancing, just as an FYI based on my own experience with ballroom dance... When you're starting out and dancing with strangers, you'll generally be keeping a decent amount of distance between you. It's with more high-level dancing that it becomes recommended to start getting into closer, more interlocking positions. For a traditional ballroom hold, the only touching you'll have is: clasped hands on one side, then on the other side, your hand on her back and her hand on your bicep.

[The Mikey]

I'm pretty ticklish near my more intimate areas and can respond like that in reaction to certain kinds of touch, so what you're describing doesn't sound all that abnormal to me.

Re: partnered dancing, just as an FYI based on my own experience with ballroom dance... When you're starting out and dancing with strangers, you'll generally be keeping a decent amount of distance between you. It's with more high-level dancing that it becomes recommended to start getting into closer, more interlocking positions. For a traditional ballroom hold, the only touching you'll have is: clasped hands on one side, then on the other side, your hand on her back and her hand on your bicep.

I’d certainly hope it’s not abnormal lol. I would hate to finally get intimate with someone and then yelp as they’re trying to take my pants off. Guess I’d give them the disclaimer that I’m ticklish but do enjoy being touched.

I’ll be honest with you, I’ve never been a fan of dancing unless I’m drunk. Even ballroom stuff, hell i was even more shy and awkward about the ballroom that any other sort of dancing. I often feel embarrassed about it because I am not limber and am awkward as shit lol. Now I’m mostly grown up and shy with women and I have to dance with them! Woo, that’s not fun. I mean, I guess I’d feel more comfy/not as awkward if it was with someone I knew/was comfy with. But even then.

[The Mikey]

I watched the latest DNL podcast and I’m just wondering how the hell does one even flirt still?

https://youtu.be/xm0-G0NmoEk

I’m still struggling to figure out how to make it look like I’m into them without outright saying it/date asking. I don’t understand. D:

[inbloomer]

I've watched the video and agree he doesn't explain much about the how and when of flirting. The problem is I think it's really more of a symptom of mutual attraction than a cause: you know it when you see it, but it's so context-dependent that clipped-out example phrases or actions tend to seem cringey and inappropriate rather than helpful.

[The Mikey]

It’s not so much this video in particular that he doesn’t talk about flirting much so much as I struggle with it a lot. Folks tell me it’s a way to show your interest in people without stating it outright, which I understand, however I don’t understand the actual practice of it.

In other words, I get stressed out because I don’t really know or understand how to do it. What do I say, that sort of thing.

[inbloomer]

I would suggest don't think of it as a list of things to tick off a checklist. I would define it as gradually making the interaction more intimate in tone than where it started, rather than getting stuck at superficial politeness and then trying to jump straight to "will you come on a date with me?"

It's as much about listening to cues as projecting them: I've had interactions where the woman was perfectly pleasant and happy to talk to me, but she subtly brushed off any attempts to up the intensity so I quickly abandoned them. It's if you don't get that and keep trying over and over that it becomes a problem.

In terms of exact things to say and do, as I say it depends an awful lot on the starting point. Flirting with someone you're already on a date with is going to be different from where you so far have a completely professional or platonic relationship with them and are trying to see if they are open to changing that. I would see it as a hierarchy: the same scene could play out with differences in emotional intensity.

Example 1 - seeing someone at work on Monday morning and discussing what you did at the weekend.

Professional: you speak politely, giving the impression that you were reasonably happy and had things to do, but not going into any deep detail.

Platonic: you talk in more detail about what went right and what went wrong, particularly if you can make a joke out of it.

Flirting: you are more emotionally open and more probing the ground for asking her on a weekend date in future. If not much happened and you felt a bit lonely, you might actually say so in a way that doesn't sound too depressive.  



Example 2 - practising a sport with someone

Professional: you are entirely focused on your and their skills in the sport, though there might be a bit of small talk at the beginning and end.

Platonic: you are still focused on the sport, but every few minutes you pause and chat about some other topics.

Flirting: you are being much more playful. If she's genuinely good at it you are really admiring, if she isn't you give her little chances to beat you. You could even get into teasing about minor prizes/forfeits for who wins and loses. Basically, the experience of you being together takes over from the core purpose of the activity.



Happy to hear anyone else's thoughts on this, but I've done my best to explain...

[Hielario]

Your example number two sounds very weird and uncomfortable to me...does anybody do/enjoy that outside of the movies?

(Really sorry, this just sounds extremely wrong to me!)

[inbloomer]

I'd need more detail of what's not landing with you to explain further. The examples I gave are all things I've experienced from other people.

[Hielario]

you are being much more playful. (...) you give her little chances to beat you. You could even get into teasing about minor prizes/forfeits for who wins and loses.

This...feels to me like this cocky, "playful", patronizing attitude that one sees in the movies and that somehow film writers believe it's attractive to women, while I'm left feeling "why the heck doesn't she tell this idiot to go fuck himself" every time I see it in a film. Does that make sense?

[inbloomer]

OK I see where you're coming from. You're right that you have to be very careful with that attitude, and scale it to what you're getting back from her. I'll give you perhaps a clearer example:

When you play doubles in tennis there can be a lot of variation in how much you interact with your partner. If you watch the pros, they usually communicate after every single point. In some cases they even touch hands every time. But at the club level there is far less of that, partly because people are lazier and also because you're changing partners all the time, so you don't really gel as a team.

A long time back I was helping out with coaching a group of students, who were at a fairly beginner level. I remember one set where I partnered this young woman in the group, who happened to be very attractive. Although the quality of tennis wasn't high, she behaved like we were playing a pro match, e.g. every time we won a point she did a small celebration and gave me a big high five. Effectively, she was initiating a lot of skin contact, and was doing a lot of smiling, eye contact and emotional engagement. In a way that was unusual but within what was appropriate for the situation, and I'm sure she would have dialled it back if I hadn't responded in kind. Looking back I would definitely say that was flirting, though not necessarily with any serious intent behind it.

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