High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:29 am

Wondering wrote:
I can blame a guy for hitting on a customer, yes. If that's what you're saying, that he hit on her while she was getting gas? That's not cool. That's one of those going-about-her-business, not-there-to-socialize tasks that DNL talks about not being the right context for an approach.

That's fair, I won't argue with that, but I was sure she was a regular. So maybe I thought it was different? I don't know. And is that what it means to hit on someone? I wasn't sure what that meant for awhile either. Uh-oh

See, I'm not that clever. So, as far as I'm know then, there aren't many places that are good-asking-out-places?

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by jcorozza on Tue Jan 26, 2016 11:00 am

Hoo boy. This comes up like once a month. That article about the 5 places *not* to hit on someone is really helpful, but it's also helpful to remember that that's only 5 places in a world with an INFINITE NUMBER OF PLACES! There are clubs and parties and meetups and bars and the internet and speeddating, all of which exist primarily for people to meet other people. And there are classes and book clubs and, well, a lot of other places/events/etc.

But back to the therapy thing, and your fear of misdiagnosis. And your fear of mental illness in general. Dude, if you go to a therapist, people will not automatically assume that you have a mental illness. And if you did? So fucking what? A lot of people here do, and you know what? That kind of attitude about it is insulting. That attitude hurts those of us with mental illnesses, and prevents people from talking openly and honestly about them. But here's the thing. Therapists help people with problems. You have problems. If you can't afford one, fine, but this fear you have that you might get lumped in with people who actually have diagnoses is, frankly, stupid.
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:23 pm

jcorozza wrote:Hoo boy.  This comes up like once a month.  That article about the 5 places *not* to hit on someone is really helpful, but it's also helpful to remember that that's only 5 places in a world with an INFINITE NUMBER OF PLACES!  There are clubs and parties and meetups and bars and the internet and speeddating, all of which exist primarily for people to meet other people.  And there are classes and book clubs and, well, a lot of other places/events/etc.

As far as I'm concerned many places really aren't appropriate for hitting on someone I feel. I've been to all those with zero success, well, except for speed dating; never been there and you gotta pay for those (still I've ever only seen a few of those events).

jcorozza wrote:
But back to the therapy thing, and your fear of misdiagnosis.  And your fear of mental illness in general.  Dude, if you go to a therapist, people will not automatically assume that you have a mental illness.  And if you did?  So fucking what?  A lot of people here do, and you know what?  That kind of attitude about it is insulting.  That attitude hurts those of us with mental illnesses, and prevents people from talking openly and honestly about them.  But here's the thing.  Therapists help people with problems.  You have problems. If you can't afford one, fine, but this fear you have that you might get lumped in with people who actually have diagnoses is, frankly, stupid.

It's not just that, if I'm being honest. (Yes, I know many of you do have mental illness, what I said wasn't a jab; against you or anyone, promise) I really don't have any sort of mental illness and if I went I'd also feel like I'm wasting their time as well as my own as well as taking attention away from people who legitimately need help. I'm just a kid who's whining about how he sucks with women, if there's any kind of overlap there that's news to me! I mean, you guys keep on trucking, don't let me putting my foot in my mouth stop you, really. Honestly, I'm being stupid without even trying due to sadfeels.

Ya know, it's just easier to call me stupid. Razz

-sigh-

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by jcorozza on Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:50 pm

Okay, just because you've tried some places and not been successful does not mean that those places are inappropriate for meeting people. It just means that the people you me there weren't interested. Also, I think Werel pointed out that you have a tendency to try something for a very brief period, fail one or twice, and then give up. So it wouldn't surprise me if this was true here, too.

Okay, see, you're 23. You know when I found out I might have a mental illness? 26. So you don't actually know that (but your denial of it is odd, and how you'd really know if you *hadn't* seen a therapist or psychiatrist is...well, unlikely. It's not like there's a "do you have a mental illness" test that we all take in college and if you "pass" you're set for life. But the thing is, therapists deal with plenty of undiagnosed folks. In fact, I've never been diagnosed (I just have a very good idea what I'd be diagnosed with since I'm in the field). Neither has my sister, or my mom. They've both seen therapists. And I think it would be MUCH MUCH better for you to take out your frustrations in therapy than to let them fester and affect you in real life, no? That is literally they're job. You have problems. They help you figure out how to solve them. You are basically asking people here to be your therapist and that's not really fair, because you are not paying my hourly rate.

You know I called your *fear of a diagnoses" stupid, not you, right?
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Wondering on Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:58 pm

Mikey, I think this has come up before, but how many women have you asked out? And of that, how many since you graduated college?

Also, about therapy. You're not just a guy whining about being bad with women. You have a lot of notions about what it means (to women) to be attracted to them, and I have a suspicion you have a bit of a negative confirmation bias (women complaining about guys hitting on them while they're out getting gas is not the same as women saying they don't want guys hitting on them ever). I notice you tend to take small situations and extrapolate them to the large or the absolute. You also seem to give up on things really quickly, maybe even after a first try if it doesn't work. All of that is stuff you can choose to continue doing if you want, but the thing is, you're not happy. And these patterns aren't making you happy. A therapist can help you talk through some of these and possibly identify things you could change and or help you find some thinking patterns that could make you happier.

And, again, you don't have to have a mental illness to go to therapy. Therapy is for talking. To a person who is listening. And is there to try to help you help yourself. My therapist's office is all about family counseling. My specific therapist deals with postpartum disorders, but the others in the office deal with marital counseling, and so so many kids having problems, very few of which are diagnosable mental disorders. (I know because I asked my therapist what sorts of things kids come into the office for.)

Having problems thinking half the population sees you as creepy before you've even talked to them about attraction is something you could discuss with a therapist. And I get worrying that you're taking time from people who really need it. I do. I was there myself. But really, the therapist wants people to come in and talk to them. That's how they get paid. Smile Personally, I've found going to therapy quite cathartic.

Again, the cost issue is different, but the idea you shouldn't go to a therapist because it doesn't apply to you for whatever reason is just not the case. Therapy is for anyone who wants to talk.

Edit: What jcorozza said!

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by reboot on Tue Jan 26, 2016 1:09 pm

Wondering wrote:....
And, again, you don't have to have a mental illness to go to therapy. Therapy is for talking. To a person who is listening. And is there to try to help you help yourself....
That is it right there. Have you ever been to a doctor for a check up? Or been and they said it is something viral, rest and take fluids?  Visiting a therapist to find out what's what or to see if they can help with a situation is the same as going to a doctor for a checkup or to see if it is a bacteria or virus causing you to be a snot faucet
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by jcorozza on Tue Jan 26, 2016 1:19 pm

Reboot, that is a really good point. If you went for a checkup, but weren't sick, would you feel like you were "wasting the doctor's time"? No. You (or your insurance) paid to be there, and you used their services.
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Enail on Tue Jan 26, 2016 1:55 pm

Adding to the chorus: I saw a therapist for a while when I was dealing with something that made me stressed and unhappy and I wasn't sure what to do about it, which sounds a lot like what's going on with you and dating. I don't have any kind of mental illness and she didn't seem to feel I was wasting her time at all.

And if you think about it, therapists probably would tend to like having some patients dealing with less serious stuff; if all their patients were at maximum levels of needing help, that seems like it might be pretty stressful and exhausting for them.

And I do agree with Wondering that there are some patterns and tendencies of how you think about women and dating that seem like they might be making things harder for you, and that's something that therapists can be very useful for helping with. Nothing wrong with getting a tune-up!
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Tue Jan 26, 2016 3:28 pm

jcorozza wrote:Okay, just because you've tried some places and not been successful does not mean that those places are inappropriate for meeting people.  It just means that the people you me there weren't interested.  Also, I think Werel pointed out that you have a tendency to try something for a very brief period, fail one or twice, and then give up.  So it wouldn't surprise me if this was true here, too.  

That's fair, though in all honesty I don't expect many interested people anywhere anymore, really. And yeah, she's right, though, if I'm being honest I'm the type of person that if I know I can do $thing, I'll try it. If I like $thing even if I sucked at it first time, I'll probably keep at it. So far, trying to date has been a miserable experience of heartache and negative judgement (shudders). I want to rip that little section of my brain labeled "Dating" out and be happier that way.

jcorozza wrote:
Okay, see, you're 23.  You know when I found out I might have a mental illness?  26.  So you don't actually know that (but your denial  of it is odd, and how you'd really know if you *hadn't* seen a therapist or psychiatrist is...well, unlikely.  It's not like there's a "do you have a mental illness" test that we all take in college and if you "pass" you're set for life.  But the thing is, therapists deal with plenty of undiagnosed folks.  In fact, I've never been diagnosed (I just have a very good idea what I'd be diagnosed with since I'm in the field).  Neither has my sister, or my mom.  They've both seen therapists.  And I think it would be MUCH MUCH better for you to take out your frustrations in therapy than to let them fester and affect you in real life, no?  That is literally they're job.  You have problems.  They help you figure out how to solve them.  You are basically asking people here to be your therapist and that's not really fair, because you are not paying my hourly rate.

You know I called your *fear of a diagnoses" stupid, not you, right?

I was told that mental illness usually crops around 18 to 21-ish, on average? I don't know the exact frame, I only know that secondhand, so don't quote me. I'm aware that there will be outliers & whatnot either above or below that, but since I'm in my almost mid-20s I thought I made it out. Maybe not, I don't know. But you're right, I'm not being fair, I'll uhh, keep to myself. Smile

Honestly, when I get nervous I put my foot in mouth a lot. Yeah, I know you called my fear stupid, that's okie; but I still feel rather dumb a lot of times regardless of who said it. Regardless of all that though, thank you. :3


Wondering wrote:Mikey, I think this has come up before, but how many women have you asked out? And of that, how many since you graduated college?

Like 13-ish? I lost count and so far only one since I left college. Facepalm

Wondering wrote:
Also, about therapy. You're not just a guy whining about being bad with women. You have a lot of notions about what it means (to women) to be attracted to them, and I have a suspicion you have a bit of a negative confirmation bias (women complaining about guys hitting on them while they're out getting gas is not the same as women saying they don't want guys hitting on them ever). I notice you tend to take small situations and extrapolate them to the large or the absolute. You also seem to give up on things really quickly, maybe even after a first try if it doesn't work. All of that is stuff you can choose to continue doing if you want, but the thing is, you're not happy. And these patterns aren't making you happy. A therapist can help you talk through some of these and possibly identify things you could change and or help you find some thinking patterns that could make you happier.

I've seen both complaints of women not wanting to be hit on everywhere or ever. Then I'm told to listen to women and I do, I see a woman I'd maybe wanna talk to but then I remember they probably don't want to be bothered so then I mind my own business and go about my day. I don't know about extrapolating small situations or not, but it's more of a building up of small things that kinda shape my way of seeing things ("Oh, women keep saying $thing, so then I guess I should avoid and never do $thing"). And like I told jcorozza, if I know I can do a $thing, I'll try it. If I like $thing even if I sucked at it first time, I'll likely keep at it. Maybe not with the frequency I'd like but I'll do it every now and again like if I'm trying to learn a certain program.

I think I'm most likely going to toss myself into my art in the next few months and forget about dating & what have you.

Wondering wrote:
And, again, you don't have to have a mental illness to go to therapy. Therapy is for talking. To a person who is listening. And is there to try to help you help yourself. My therapist's office is all about family counseling. My specific therapist deals with postpartum disorders, but the others in the office deal with marital counseling, and so so many kids having problems, very few of which are diagnosable mental disorders. (I know because I asked my therapist what sorts of things kids come into the office for.)

Having problems thinking half the population sees you as creepy before you've even talked to them about attraction is something you could discuss with a therapist. And I get worrying that you're taking time from people who really need it. I do. I was there myself. But really, the therapist wants people to come in and talk to them. That's how they get paid. Smile Personally, I've found going to therapy quite cathartic.

Again, the cost issue is different, but the idea you shouldn't go to a therapist because it doesn't apply to you for whatever reason is just not the case. Therapy is for anyone who wants to talk.

Edit: What jcorozza said!

Duly noted and thank you. :3

reboot wrote:
That is it right there. Have you ever been to a doctor for a check up? Or been and they said it is something viral, rest and take fluids?  Visiting a therapist to find out what's what or to see if they can help with a situation is the same as going to a doctor for a checkup or to see if it is a bacteria or virus causing you to be a snot faucet

Yeah I getcha. I don't really have insurance though. D:

Enail wrote:Adding to the chorus: I saw a therapist for a while when I was dealing with something that made me stressed and unhappy and I wasn't sure what to do about it, which sounds a lot like what's going on with you and dating. I don't have any kind of mental illness and she didn't seem to feel I was wasting her time at all.

And if you think about it, therapists probably would tend to like having some patients dealing with less serious stuff; if all their patients were at maximum levels of needing help, that seems like it might be pretty stressful and exhausting for them.

And I do agree with Wondering that there are some patterns and tendencies of how you think about women and dating that seem like they might be making things harder for you, and that's something that therapists can be very useful for helping with. Nothing wrong with getting a tune-up!

I suppose I would be making their jobs easier. Smile I honestly don't really know what else those other tendencies could be other than women may or may not like me much for whatever (I tend to lean towards the latter, because I don't want to delude myself). I guess it wouldn't hurt.

EDIT: Ya know, I may be thickheaded and I know I can be very difficult sometimes, but thank you ladies. I'm sorry if I caused any o' y'all any grief here due to my own stupid hangups. So for that I'm sorry. Like I said earlier, dating and romance and what have you is something I don't really want to deal with anymore but it keeps rearing it's big head into my life and I don't want it.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Wondering on Tue Jan 26, 2016 3:33 pm

The Mikey wrote:
I was told that mental illness usually crops around 18 to 21-ish, on average? I don't know the exact frame, I only know that secondhand, so don't quote me. I'm aware that there will be outliers & whatnot either above or below that, but since I'm in my almost mid-20s I thought I made it out.

But how would you know if you've never been to a therapist?

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by reboot on Tue Jan 26, 2016 3:40 pm

Now the insurance thing is a barrier. Are you still in school? If yes, ask the health center for a referral. If no, many therapists will take payment on a sliding scale. Here is are a couple of listing services for SD if you want to do a little research:
http://www.goodtherapy.org/San-Diego-county-mental-health.htm

SDSU also has a sliding scale clinic: http://sdsu.edu/education/csp/counseling.aspx

As does the YMCA: http://www.ymca.org/yfs/counseling-services/counseling.html
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Tue Jan 26, 2016 3:40 pm

Wondering wrote:
But how would you know if you've never been to a therapist?

Frankly, I don't, though I feel if I had something seriously wrong, I'd probably know. What's wrong I wouldn't know, but something wouldn't feel right.

EDIT:
reboot wrote:Now the insurance thing is a barrier. Are you still in school? If yes, ask the health center for a referral. If no, many therapists will take payment on a sliding scale. Here is are a couple of listing services for SD if you want to do a little research:
http://www.goodtherapy.org/San-Diego-county-mental-health.htm

SDSU also has a sliding scale clinic: http://sdsu.edu/education/csp/counseling.aspx

As does the YMCA: http://www.ymca.org/yfs/counseling-services/counseling.html

I actually re-enrolled for a swim class yesterday at my old CC and apparently they have a good counselor, so I may go talk to them after a swim tomorrow. D: And yeah, the SDSU Psych dept has clinics for their Psych students too.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Wondering on Tue Jan 26, 2016 4:46 pm

The Mikey wrote:
Wondering wrote:
But how would you know if you've never been to a therapist?

Frankly, I don't, though I feel if I had something seriously wrong, I'd probably know. What's wrong I wouldn't know, but something wouldn't feel right.

That's the insidious thing about mental illness, though: Your jerkbrain makes you think all's right with your world. I thought all the stuff I was feeling about my baby and the way I was behaving were perfectly normal. Turns out? Not so much.

Now, I'm not saying you do have a mental illness. I'm just saying you can't definitively rule it out if you haven't seen anyone whose job it is to detect them, so don't go around making those claims.


And, yay! Go see free counseling at the college. Colleges are awesome for offering that kind of stuff. Grin

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Tue Jan 26, 2016 6:18 pm

Wondering wrote:
That's the insidious thing about mental illness, though: Your jerkbrain makes you think all's right with your world. I thought all the stuff I was feeling about my baby and the way I was behaving were perfectly normal. Turns out? Not so much.

Now, I'm not saying you do have a mental illness. I'm just saying you can't definitively rule it out if you haven't seen anyone whose job it is to detect them, so don't go around making those claims.


And, yay! Go see free counseling at the college. Colleges are awesome for offering that kind of stuff. Grin

Welp, can't deny that lol. However, I had the opposite problem for awhile too until I realized that self-diagnosis is silly. I couldn't say for sure if I actually had anything legitimately wrong with me either. Except for a few ass-backwards beliefs, I'm pretty sure I'm okay. Razz

And yeah, thankfully students even if they're taking 1 unit at our CC they'll still see us.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by jcorozza on Wed Jan 27, 2016 10:14 am

The Mikey wrote: Except for a few ass-backwards beliefs, I'm pretty sure I'm okay. Razz


I have depression and anxiety, but I'm pretty "okay" too.

You may want to think about how you talk about these things - it might be related to your fear of therapy (and fear of a diagnoses). It's not a dichotomy of "has mental illness" and "okay". You can have a mental illness and be okay. You can not have one and be very much not okay. I realize you don't mean it to be insulting, but I feel like you're lumping folks like me automatically into the "not okay" pile, which is, well, shitty. Also, you may say that you're "okay", but a lot of your posts here make me question that quite a bit. I notice that you bring up $problem, and the moment therapy or similar help is suggested, you tend to backpedal and say that $problem isn't that big of a deal. It's a big enough deal for you to be on the interwebs seeking advice from strangers multiple times, so that seems like a big enough deal to get help for, no?
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Wed Jan 27, 2016 12:55 pm

jcorozza wrote:

I have depression and anxiety, but I'm pretty "okay" too.  

You may want to think about how you talk about these things - it might be related to your fear of therapy (and fear of a diagnoses).  It's not a dichotomy of "has mental illness" and "okay".  You can have a mental illness and be okay.  You can not have one and be very much not okay.  I realize you don't mean it to be insulting, but I feel like you're lumping folks like me automatically into the "not okay" pile, which is, well, shitty.  Also, you may say that you're "okay", but a lot of your posts here make me question that quite a bit.  I notice that you bring up $problem, and the moment therapy or similar help is suggested, you tend to backpedal and say that $problem isn't that big of a deal.  It's a big enough deal for you to be on the interwebs seeking advice from strangers multiple times, so that seems like a big enough deal to get help for, no?

I gotcha, I'm sorry. That's definitely, not what I'm trying to say or do in regards to mental illness because I haven't lived with it, so it's a delicate thing for me to talk about without being unintentionally insulting. What I'm trying to get is, while maybe I *may* have some issues, they're not as serious as other folks who need far more help than I do and I wouldn't wanna take that attention from them, ya know?

So, again, I'm deeply sorry if what I say doesn't always come out right. Or make sense. :/

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Wed Jan 27, 2016 5:57 pm

Stopped by the CC's nurse's office after class today which is where the school counselor's lair is hidden way.

They were closed.

>mfw

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Wondering on Wed Jan 27, 2016 5:59 pm

Try again later! Grin

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Wed Jan 27, 2016 6:04 pm

Wondering wrote:Try again later! Grin

Yeah I'll check back either Monday or early Friday morning. Just gotta check if they open on Friday lol

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Thu Feb 04, 2016 1:49 am

Oooh so I got an appointment with the school counselor next week! They're only 30-minute appointments, but still got one. :DD

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Thu Feb 11, 2016 3:46 pm

Updooot:

So I saw the counselor/therapist and in only 30 minutes... I felt elated, dare I say, happy! I pretty much laid it out all out there and explained my anxieties and whatnot revolving around dating. Though I feel there's still a lot to work on.

And I told him I usually feel a lot of anxiety towards women-folk I'm attracted to and how I feel towards female friends sometimes. Many of whom are the ladies I do warm approaches with.

I'm gonna see my counselor/therapist next week again and he wanted me to figure out/think about what exactly makes me anxious. I explained that after the asking out, I don't feel Anxious anymore. I have an idea of what's going on in my noggin, but holy crap did I feel great.

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Werel on Thu Feb 11, 2016 3:48 pm

Shiny/thrilled AWESOME! Glad it was a help, and good on you for going and doing it.
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Thu Feb 11, 2016 3:52 pm

Werel wrote:Shiny/thrilled AWESOME! Glad it was a help, and good on you for going and doing it.

Yeah, it was great! Hopefully I can get better. Don't know what I'll do when the semester is over lol. But I think I'll be okay. Overall, I'm excited to talk with him more. Shiny/thrilled

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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by jcorozza on Thu Feb 11, 2016 3:56 pm

I'm glad they were able to get you to see a male counselor, too - in this situation, having a woman would be counterproductive. Glad you're feeling better after going - I always find myself feeling a bit lighter afterwards!
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Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Guest on Thu Feb 11, 2016 4:54 pm

jcorozza wrote:I'm glad they were able to get you to see a male counselor, too - in this situation, having a woman would be counterproductive.  Glad you're feeling better after going - I always find myself feeling a bit lighter afterwards!

Yeah, to me it wouldn't have mattered as much as long as I got some help lol. But I guess it does help a lot that I'm speaking to another fellow. So that's pretty cool. Grin

Also, according to my new therapist, it turns out I do for a fact have a high sex drive. :0

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