How to gauge interest

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How to gauge interest Empty How to gauge interest

Post by Foxhunter on Mon Feb 23, 2015 6:48 pm

Hi all - starting dating a guy a couple of months ago. He was SO interested in the beginning. Which was really exciting because I always seem to be on the opposite end of the spectrum with people (I'm into them but they aren't as into me or the other way around). We have a blast hanging out. This month his work schedule has been crazy and so it's understandable he's pulled back a little. There's no doubt he's into me when we are actually together but I'm getting a little worried about his communication pattern and if it's normal at this stage in a relationship. At first, he reached out a lot. Flirting, questions, a good amount of playful dirty messages after we got sexual. This month it has plummeted. Lots of quick replies. Nothing rude and no blatant ignoring of messages...just makes me feel less desired. Of course, my natural instinct is to do the opposite of advice to pull back. I want to initiate the fun flirty messages and reach out more now that he's not doing it as much. So I know I need to stop that and have more balance but my main question is, what is normal for guys? When we first started having sex he couldn't have enough. And while it's still great, we aren't like rabbits anymore, when does that usually fade? Is there usually this infatuation stage and then it just kind of peeters out after a few months? Should I just chalk this up to him being dead tired. At this point I've only shared with him that this month has been difficult because I got used to interacting with him a lot more and I simply like spending time with him. But that I understand it's probably rougher on him because he's the one working his but off.

I've been reading through a lot of Dr. Nerdlove posts but haven't come across anything that spells out the normal progression of a relationship. Are there any posts I haven't seen that would give some insight? I really like this guy but 1) don't want to be a fool if he's losing interest and 2) don't' want to drive myself to the point of insecurity that it's unattractive.

Lastly, what is an appropriate ratio of initiating sex as a female? I feel like I initiate a little more. He always responds and it's a great time but is there something that becomes less attractive when I'm not letting him pursue me as much?

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Post by PintsizeBro on Mon Feb 23, 2015 7:43 pm

Asking what's normal for guys isn't really helpful. What you need to know is what's normal for this guy. Is he unusually tired or stressed from work? Fatigue and stress do typically cause a decrease in sex drive.

As to what's an "appropriate ratio" for initiating sex, that's something that doesn't have a rule. If it works for both of you, then it works. It sounds like it's not working for you, and you'd like him to initiate more. That's fine, but it's not about what's appropriate for men or appropriate for women, it's about making sure both of you get your needs met in the relationship.

Do you want him to initiate more? Or are you concerned that being the one who initiates will make him find you less attractive? If it works for both of you, then there's no problem. But if you want him to initiate more, talk to him about it. Not in the sense of what a relationship is supposed to look like, but in the sense of this is something you like. It might just be that he's happy letting you initiate.

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Post by Foxhunter on Tue Feb 24, 2015 10:47 am

Thanks. What you are saying makes sense. I don't really have a problem being the one who initiates. I was worried because I was getting too much advice from people talking about making sure there was balance in the relationship and how men get bored if you are 'too available' or whatever else. A lot of stereotyping I guess.

I'm probably just overthinking this entire thing and forgetting the whole just have fun and go with it. So much easier said than done.

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Post by PintsizeBro on Tue Feb 24, 2015 1:54 pm

A lot of relationship advice out there seems to be about how to trick a guy who doesn't want a relationship into having one anyway. And that's not good for either of you. If you're both happy, you're doing your relationship right.

The guy who gets bored if you're "too available" is the guy who doesn't really like you. If he likes you, he won't get bored because you're happy to initiate. I love it when my girlfriend initiates, because I know she wants to have sex and she's not just going along with it because I want to.

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Post by Foxhunter on Tue Feb 24, 2015 4:57 pm

Good points. I've never been one to play games. And thanks for reminding me, why would I want somebody who would get bored and doesn't really like me?

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Post by PintsizeBro on Tue Feb 24, 2015 5:14 pm

I know it's cliched at this point, but sometimes the best relationship advice really is just be yourself.

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