Dance Event Anxieties

[Gman]

Ok, so the big bachata international dancing congress in Milano, Italy is approaching and isn't far away anymore (march 6th until march 8th) and I am starting to get a bit anxious about it. Also, in the end, I won't be able to stay in Italy after the event. I have to fly back home immediately after it due to annoying, but still important medical reasons. 

The reason I am getting anxious is because of what my friends are telling me. Every friend that I have spoken to about these kind of events (international dancing congresses) and how is it like there, tell me that they all share a very sexually open atmosphere and that "getting laid" during these events is almost a guarantee. 

Now to be clear, this isn't obviously the main reason for me going to this event. For me, it's getting to participate in workshops guided by some of the top dancers from all over the world. It's about dancing like a madman until I can't feel my feet anymore and just having fun! But despite this, it's hard to avoid the "these events are a sex haven" kind of vibe coming from people that I know and that have been in similar events like these in the past. To be honest, it's causing me to be anxious about the event.

The reason to my anxiety is that I am not sure if I am ready to participate in such sexual endeavors. My only sexual experience is the one that I had with my ex, which was a part of a very serious and very monogamous relationship and it didn't happen immediately – but rather at a timing I was also comfortable with. I don't know if I'm the "One night stand" kind of person – but how do I really know this if I haven't tried it yet? I am mostly afraid that I will find someone there who I like, we will makeout, have sex, but then I will get overly attached emotionally and as a result, when I come back home, all I will remember is how I "lost" another potential love and fall into depression about it.  
But at the same time, I won't deny that it is an enticing thought. Getting caught up with another person and just letting myself go in a night of raw passion and desire, does sound good. I also haven't been with anyone else since my ex. I still think about my ex too (it's been almost a year now since we broke up). So I also feel this would be a good opportunity to truly let go and allow myself to have some fun with a stranger or two…… thus cementing the fact that I have "moved on" from my ex. 

But I just don't know. On one hand I want to let go, but on the other I am very anxious and scared, I just don't know if I can handle this kind of interaction in a healthy manner. Just thinking about this is driving me a bit mad.

Any advice?

[eselle28]

So, I can't speak to the dance-specific elements of this. Dance isn't something I do, so I'm not very familiar with that environment. I have been to similar events where everyone was away from home and it was generally understood that many people were looking for short term relationships, though, so I might understand some of those dynamics.

First off, not everyone there is going to be looking to meet people for those reasons and not everyone who wants to will be successful at it. In any large group of people, there will be people in serious relationships, people who aren't up for casual relationships, people who just aren't feeling it at the moment, and so on. I would be sort of surprised if every single one of your friends going to this event will end up finding a casual sex partner this particular time around. I'd say the same of any event that wasn't explicitly sex-themed (and probably about a lot of ones that are).

The second thing that might be worth considering is whether you're thinking about things in overly black and white ways. This isn't necessarily a choice between having a one night stand and not partaking in the sexually charged atmosphere as well. There's a lot of in between space, including flirting, kissing, perhaps striking up an email correspondence with someone who you may see at other big events in the future. I'd say that you might want to go to the event with the frame of mind that you're willing to explore a bit, and then check in on yourself and how you're feeling as things happen.

[Guest]

Personally, I'd say go, but don't go with the expectation of getting lucky.

Cuz, I mean, holy shit, you'd be going to Italy. I'd kill to go to Italy. I mean, sure Ive been to Haiti, and that was cool, but Italy sounds like way more fun.

[Gman]

Personally, I'd say go, but don't go with the expectation of getting lucky.

Cuz, I mean, holy shit, you'd be going to Italy. I'd kill to go to Italy. I mean, sure Ive been to Haiti, and that was cool, but Italy sounds like way more fun.

My expectations are personally fine too - like I wrote, it's about the dancing that I'm truly excited about. What I was trying to convey is a certain sense of anxiety that I am having, that isn't really rational and it's annoying me and I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. My problem with all this is that I have certain hang ups when it comes to having casual physical/intimate realtionships. I feel that it's somehow wrong, that I would feel guilty about it somehow and that in the end my own jerkbrain will cause me to suffer about it for no apparant reason. It's still a foriegn concept to me, having causual interactions of that sort. Hell, even my ex was kind of suprised when she asked me once if I don't feel like I want to "explore more relationships" or "soar my oats" so to speak (she me asked me this about a week after I told her she was my first, both romantically and sexually) and I answered "not really" (but that was because I was genuinely happy with her and didn't want anything like that back then). It's kind of scaring me and I fear that this hang up will prevent me from acting upon opportunities that might show themselves during the event, opportunities that I might also actually want to act upon and that in the end I will enjoy having them. 

I just don't want to feel like I gave up a good chance to experience something new, different, maybe even exciting and fun, just because of my jerkbrain 

[Guest]

My expectations are personally fine too - like I wrote, it's about the dancing that I'm truly excited about. What I was trying to convey is a certain sense of anxiety that I am having, that isn't really rational and it's annoying me and I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. My problem with all this is that I have certain hang ups when it comes to having casual physical/intimate realtionships. I feel that it's somehow wrong, that I would feel guilty about it somehow and that in the end my own jerkbrain will cause me to suffer about it for no apparant reason. It's still a foriegn concept to me, having causual interactions of that sort. Hell, even my ex was kind of suprised when she asked me once if I don't feel like I want to "explore more relationships" or "soar my oats" so to speak (she me asked me this about a week after I told her she was my first, both romantically and sexually) and I answered "not really" (but that was because I was genuinely happy with her and didn't want anything like that back then). It's kind of scaring me and I fear that this hang up will prevent me from acting upon opportunities that might show themselves during the event, opportunities that I might also actually want to act upon and that in the end I will enjoy having them. 

I just don't want to feel like I gave up a good chance to experience something new, different, maybe even exciting and fun, just because of my jerkbrain 

Unfortunately, I don't have much in terms of advice or strategies to help you with those hangups. But like you told your ex, should you get into a fling with another dancer there, be honest with them and if they have more experience ask them "Hey, what do you like?" Just remember to breathe, relax and take it slow. I'm a virgin too, but I know enough to say that your first time should be slow and probably a learning experience for the next time.

ALSO, bears repeating with a missed oversight: don't worry about scoring, much less in a foreign country where their culture may be significantly different from that here in the States. Their methods/unwritten rules of flirting and whatnot are probably much different than here back home in the U.S.

Anecdote time: A buddy of mine studied abroad in France and told me about how a lot French girls are very cold to the French boys because the French guys (or at least the ones he encountered on his trip) were all very forward. Turns out, French girls don't dig that too much, turns out subtlety wins out in the end or so I was told. My buddy didn't get so lucky either since he's (obviously) American and apparently, American men are very similar in their style of flirting as French dudes, not that he actually tried. AMUSINGLY ENOUGH, the American girls in his group responded to the French guys better, which to me is hysterical.

Remember to breathe and take it slow should you find yourself in that situation. Befriend your partner (I'm not sure if you have partners in this style of dance) and other dancers, talk to them and become their buddy and they in turn will be your buddies as well. Think of this as an adventure that you'll remember for the rest of your life. Not a sexual escapade or anything wild like that.

Good luck to you. :3

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