[ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by TheRoux on Fri Feb 27, 2015 2:06 pm

So yeah... this is a long complicated one, so let's establish the past first:

[Past - Part 1]
I met her at school. I was 24, she was 20 (now I'm 29 {it's my B-day today actually} and she's 25). At the time she was in a relationship (boyfriend was from somewhere else... none of us ever met him, even once), but it wasn't a happy one. I've seen her cry many times on the phone while talking to him. There was 2 things basically: her boyfriend would often loudly lash out at her verbally, and most often than not, he would not only refuse sex, but simple physical contacts. Now being the only girl in a class of guys, there was a lot of tentations... and eventually... well she met me. I was standing out from the rest for some reason, and we got close... and we got closer... and we eventually slept together... So I was kind of the first one she with whom she cheated. This lasted all summer until I asked her to choose between us... because I developped feelings for her and I wanted to the boyfriend and not the secret lover. But she chose him... somehow, she just couldn't let him go... So we kinda stopped it there.

[Past - Part 2]
One night (3AM), 2-3 months later, she calls me. I miss the call (I was at my computer but with headphones, my phone was on vibrate and on my bed), and we talk the next day. She tells me she had broken up with her boyfriend. They had a fight and she couldn't take it anymore. Over the following months we start seeing eachother again and kind of get back together (never got real official, but we hung out together in public... school and the like) Eventually after new Year's Eve, she'll break up with me, but we agree to stay friends. Didn't really last long, because we'd realize we couldn't be friends, as we wanted eachother too much. So we got back together again...

[Past - Part 3]
Few months later, she finally announces me that she had actually never broken up with her boyfriend. To be more precise, (see Part 2) they had a big fight at his place; she tells him she's leaving him; she calls me so she can spend the night, she has nowhere else to go at that moment; I don't answer; she has no choice but to stay; they talk some more; and she agrees not to leave him. Now I start blaming myself for not answering that call. If I had, things might have been different. With her help finally saying the truth, I clarify some points in our relationship I had found odd... But I loved her and I actually told her I'd be willing to let it all go and forgive her if she left her boyfriend for me... Once again, she chose him. At that point, I had gratuated and we stopped seeing eachother.

[Past - Part 4]
I learn my Facebook (stalking) that she officially broke up with her boyfriend. I texted her to talk to her (probably should not have).   She says she's moving back to her dad's place, in a town 2 hours (I don't drive) away from my City to recover from everything (her break up with her boyfriend actually had been an explosive event that involved a few people), leaving school and work and friends. She tells me she had been seeing a doctor and psychiatrist telling her that she actually had depression (her relationship with guys was not the only thing what was going wrong in her life, but it didn't help either), and that was explaining her behavior (but not excuse it). In her new town, she plans to visit an abused women's center to help her regain control of her life. Before she leaves, we have a last night together.

[Past - Part 5]
Over there she gets better, gets a hang on her life, returns to school, finds work. She eventually finds a new boyfriends and one year later she gets pregnant. She keeps the baby, even though she knew her boyfriend was a lazy teenager in his head. Almost a year after the baby boy is born, she leaves him as a way to put her step down (he's not doing anything whatsoever to help her in the house or with the baby).

And now to the present (yay! finally):

[Present - Part 1]

Just when I thought I had moved on (4 years later), she messaged me (just before christmas), saying she wanted to talk, that she still felt bad about what happened between us and she wanted to have some news from me. We e-mail briefly. a week or so later, after blinking, I realize I've just invited her for a drink. Turns out she's in town and she wants to meet. So we meet. She tells me she'd been thinking of reaching me for a year now but she was too afraid of what I'd say. After a quick night out, I help her reach her lift back home.

[Present - Part 2]
Again... I just impulsively invited her to a restaurant, and since she didn't have a lift this time, I invited her to spend the night at my place. We talked some more and now she's getting all sweet. She end up saying things like: "I've been with a few guys in my life, and you're the only one who treated me right" or even "I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and leaving you was a terrible one... I should've chosen you." or "I don't expect anything from this (seeing me again), I just want to see where this'll lead." We end up sleeping in the same bed and cuddling all night long (no sex).

So this is where I am. This girl is like a magnet and I just can't resist... I can't say no... Now it seems that she's telling me she wants to get back with me and I have no idea if I should welcome it or run away like mad. I feel very flattered to be told that not choosing me was a terrible mistake and I feel enclined to forgive her and blame it all on her depression. It had been such a long time someone I liked had expressed attraction to me. And I'm so hungry for cuddles... I'm not sure I'm thinking clearly... And the fact that she also has a kid now is not a matter to take lightly... (I'm afraid she might be looking for a sugar daddy to take care of her and the kid... but I'm not in a position to do that...) She's also expressing the idea that she might be willing to have more kids in the future... (she knows I want kids...)

So questions are: Is she genuine, or is she manipulating? Should I really forgive her for the past? Has she really changed? My friends are waving red flags in my face, and while I understand why... all I want is to ignore it... but at the same time, I'm not as trusting as I was before... I think that IF we are to take a shot, we ought to have a good talk first, about what we want, what our expectations are... like we should actually plan this... the first year would probably be hard...

Any opinion?

_________________
Age matters not, unless you're cheese.
TheRoux
TheRoux

Posts : 44
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-12-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by reboot on Fri Feb 27, 2015 2:19 pm

My guess, if her relationship was abusive (and if she is seeking help at an abuse support center evidence points to yes) she has a much longer road to recovery ahead of her and she is not a person who it is safe for you to be in a relationship with right now. It does not matter if she is genuine or manipulative, she needs to work on her.

For you, since you find yourself falling into the romance pattern with her, you might need to nuke this relationship for your own sanity.
reboot
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by Caffeinated on Fri Feb 27, 2015 2:52 pm

TheRoux wrote:
So questions are: Is she genuine, or is she manipulating? Should I really forgive her for the past? Has she really changed? My friends are waving red flags in my face, and while I understand why... all I want is to ignore it... but at the same time, I'm not as trusting as I was before... I think that IF we are to take a shot, we ought to have a good talk first, about what we want, what our expectations are... like we should actually plan this... the first year would probably be hard...

Any opinion?

Wow, this is one of those situations that looks like it could really go either way. It could be the jumping off point for the grand romance of a lifetime. Or it could be the start of a disaster story. Or, of course, it could be a wistful memory and a wondering about what could have been.

I've said in other threads that I don't think it should be a requirement that people be perfect before they can get into a relationship. I still believe that. Sometimes it's the being together that lets a person heal and become stronger and better and healthier. And it sounds like this girl is definitely not perfect, and may have a lot of issues and baggage.

And, as you said, she has a child, and that is a big deal. That's a very big deal. When you ask if she's changed, I'd say it would impossible not to have changed with parenthood. Whether that means she's changed in the ways that you want is another question. But change, yes.

You ask if she's genuine or manipulating. Well, it could be both. Manipulation doesn't have to be a deliberate plot, it can just be framing things in a way that seems most likely to meet your needs and wants (and I think most people do this to some degree.) Does she genuinely have feelings for you? I would expect she does, otherwise why try to get together?

Should you forgive her for the past. First, I'd mention that forgiveness is mostly for the person who is doing the forgiving, not for the person being forgiven. It's a way of letting go of bad feelings and hurts rather than letting them continue hurting you. But second, I think that if you can't let go of the things that happened in the past, it would make it much harder to have a good future together. Only you can answer as to whether you're ready to do that. Also, forgiving someone is not the same thing as trusting them.

I think that if you want to give this a shot, you'd need to have not just one but many, many conversations with each other, in which you're both as open and honest as possible.

It sounds like you really want to take a chance on this girl. If I were you, I'd go for it. But of course, my internal compass generally points toward taking the leap, being vulnerable, and opening up to the possibility of things being wonderful but also the possibility of being badly hurt.
Caffeinated
Caffeinated

Posts : 455
Reputation : 273
Join date : 2014-12-08

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by eselle28 on Fri Feb 27, 2015 3:42 pm

I think your third question is the most important one. It's entirely possible that she's both sincere and behaving in a manipulative manner, and I think that in this case, the future is more important than the past. If I'm understanding the timeline correctly, her abusive relationship ended about four years ago and she has a child who's roughly three?

I think this calls for a serious conversation on a few different subjects. The first is whether she's actually interested in being in a serious relationship and also up for doing the work that comes with that. If she's spending time with you because it impulsively feels right to her as well, that doesn't necessarily mean those actions have come with the sort of thoughts that lead people to think about commitment. Find out what she's actually looking for. The second set of questions have to do with how she handled the end of her abusive relationship and what her mental health is like now. The third would be about her relationship with her child's father (I think you'll want to hear more than that he's a lazy teenager), aiming at finding out whether that's reasonably functional or whether it's disorganized enough that it's likely to become a part of your life as well.

I don't think you should expect to hear that she's perfect in these conversations. I'd actually say that it would be a red flag if she comes off that way. What I think you should look for is whether she's thinking about her behavior and other people's in a clear way and describing things to you honestly.
eselle28
eselle28
General Oversight Moderator

Posts : 1994
Reputation : 999
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by Conreezy on Sun Mar 01, 2015 3:30 am

This girl is like a magnet and I just can't resist... I can't say no

What's making you say yes?

_________________
Surrender, Belisarius!
Conreezy
Conreezy

Posts : 269
Reputation : 97
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by TheRoux on Mon Mar 02, 2015 12:23 pm

Thanks for the replies!

Reboot wrote:My guess, if her relationship was abusive (and if she is seeking help at an abuse support center evidence points to yes) she has a much longer road to recovery ahead of her and she is not a person who it is safe for you to be in a relationship with right now. It does not matter if she is genuine or manipulative, she needs to work on her.

For you, since you find yourself falling into the romance pattern with her, you might need to nuke this relationship for your own sanity.

Well she used to. She said she ran the course of the help (10 meetings over 3 months) and is not going there anymore. Does it means that she's all good now? Not Necessarily, I know. Though, I look at her behavior, and she seems to be happy and getting back to taking care of herself.

Caffeinated wrote:I think that if you want to give this a shot, you'd need to have not just one but many, many conversations with each other, in which you're both as open and honest as possible.

It sounds like you really want to take a chance on this girl. If I were you, I'd go for it. But of course, my internal compass generally points toward taking the leap, being vulnerable, and opening up to the possibility of things being wonderful but also the possibility of being badly hurt.

Lots of talk, yes, definitely! Well, being hurt is always a risk we take when getting in a relationship... and in this case, lots of people would say that a second hurting is likely. I like to believe this is false, since she's made progress on herself and she seems to be in another place than last time.

eselle88 wrote:I think your third question is the most important one. It's entirely possible that she's both sincere and behaving in a manipulative manner, and I think that in this case, the future is more important than the past. If I'm understanding the timeline correctly, her abusive relationship ended about four years ago and she has a child who's roughly three?

I think this calls for a serious conversation on a few different subjects. The first is whether she's actually interested in being in a serious relationship and also up for doing the work that comes with that. If she's spending time with you because it impulsively feels right to her as well, that doesn't necessarily mean those actions have come with the sort of thoughts that lead people to think about commitment. Find out what she's actually looking for. The second set of questions have to do with how she handled the end of her abusive relationship and what her mental health is like now. The third would be about her relationship with her child's father (I think you'll want to hear more than that he's a lazy teenager), aiming at finding out whether that's reasonably functional or whether it's disorganized enough that it's likely to become a part of your life as well.

I don't think you should expect to hear that she's perfect in these conversations. I'd actually say that it would be a red flag if she comes off that way. What I think you should look for is whether she's thinking about her behavior and other people's in a clear way and describing things to you honestly.

He kid is almost 2 actually. She talks about her kid's father, so I know quite a bit about him, how he behaves and stuff. He's actually trying to get back with her but she doesn't want to (considering he's doing emotional black mail: "I love you both you and [kid] so much!! Please, I don't wanna die..." and the like). She hates it but she wants the dad to be part of the kid's life (which I understand totally, though I think the dad has some work to do of his own too).

She said that she had some flings with a few guys (between leaving her boyfriend and talking to me) and told them she wasn't really into commited relationships right now, but this is not what she's seeing me now. She literally told me:"A friend of mine asked me if I was going back together with you, and I answered that for now, I'll see where it leads..." or something like that... meaning (I think) that she's considering it, at least. Of course, I don't really want to jump the gun either so I'll probably wait a few dates before talking about this to her. Let us enjoy a bit of carefree moments before getting to the heavy stuff.

_________________
Age matters not, unless you're cheese.
TheRoux
TheRoux

Posts : 44
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-12-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by reboot on Mon Mar 02, 2015 12:45 pm

OK, it was not so clear from your OP how far into recovery she was. I had it muddled that her child's father was the abuser. So I think this question:

Conreezy wrote:
This girl is like a magnet and I just can't resist... I can't say no

What's making you say yes?  

Is a good one to answer
reboot
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by TheRoux on Mon Mar 02, 2015 2:33 pm

reboot wrote:OK, it was not so clear from your OP how far into recovery she was. I had it muddled that her child's father was the abuser. So I think this question:

Conreezy wrote:
This girl is like a magnet and I just can't resist... I can't say no

What's making you say yes?  

Is a good one to answer

It's true that it's a bit confusing. So to clarify: The abuser was the boyfriend she was with when we were seeing each other. The father is just a very handsome man child.

So what's making me say yes? That's a good question... I'd say she pushes all the right buttons to make me feel good... literally. The last time I had a tickle fight (I love tickle fights) was with her over 4 years ago... Sexually we are quite compatible and we both get in a GGG mood. Emotionally... is harder to answer because inevitably some bad memories come up sometimes, but from what I remember, we used to have lots of very happy moments.

My feeling is that in the past, the situation was less than ideal, lots of things going on for both of us, and we made some bad choices... but if we keep it together, and work together this time (instead of keeping things from eachother), we might have something great...

_________________
Age matters not, unless you're cheese.
TheRoux
TheRoux

Posts : 44
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-12-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by Enail on Mon Mar 02, 2015 3:06 pm

To be honest, I'm not seeing a lot of reason to think things will be different this time. It sounds like you're pretty heavily invested, she's got a lot on her plate and, while she clearly has feelings for you, isn't sure what she wants do about them ("I'll see where it leads" is a pretty undecided phrasing).

That combination seems to me likely to result in a similar intense, back-and-forth relationship with a lot of uncertainty. If you do want to try again with her, I'd suggest taking it slow on your part, and being clear about what kind of relationship you're looking for and asking her to consider if that's something she's interested in or not, rather than both of you just 'going with the flow' and following your feelings.
Enail
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3997
Reputation : 2214
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by eselle28 on Mon Mar 02, 2015 3:14 pm

I'm seeing something positive here and something I think is a pretty bad sign. It sounds like her life is pretty complicated, but that she's looking at it realistically, doing what she needs to do to handle it, and communicating about it fairly clearly. The problem is that I don't think you're really listening to what she's saying.

You write about not wanting to jump the gun, but then you say you want some carefree moments before getting to the heavy stuff, suggesting that you picture some heavy stuff coming. You also talk about this potential relationship in terms of keeping it together and working together this time. That's a fine attitude to take toward a relationship with a partner who's on the same page, but it doesn't sound like she is. She's told other men she's not interested in committed relationships, and I agree with Enail that "I'll see where it leads..." doesn't sound like someone who's certain she wants the kind of relationship you do. It sounds like someone who doesn't know yet.

I could see this working if she were gung ho for something serious or if you were truly okay with a very casual relationship that never became more serious. As things are, I don't think you two should try to date.
eselle28
eselle28
General Oversight Moderator

Posts : 1994
Reputation : 999
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by Caffeinated on Mon Mar 02, 2015 3:33 pm

Reading your additional information, I'd say I see a high potential for wonderful, and also a high potential for getting hurt. A high potential for both, actually -- ie wonderful while it lasts but ending in getting hurt. Being a not very cautious person myself, I would still say go for it, because I think it's worth it to grab some wonderful in this life even if it means getting hurt.
Caffeinated
Caffeinated

Posts : 455
Reputation : 273
Join date : 2014-12-08

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by TheRoux on Mon Mar 02, 2015 3:35 pm

I get what you're saying... well I was always quick on the trigger. I definitely need to slow down...

We already a date set up for next saturday... I'll keep that in mind.

_________________
Age matters not, unless you're cheese.
TheRoux
TheRoux

Posts : 44
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-12-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by reboot on Mon Mar 02, 2015 3:42 pm

If you can do it, maybe just accept that this is a casual relationship and treat it as such without hoping for or expecting anything more permanent? Enjoy it while you can and future be damned, or something? Because it does not sound like she is up for anything more serious at this point in her life
reboot
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by TheRoux on Wed Mar 04, 2015 2:38 pm

In the end I decided to let it go... I realized that that it's not really her that I wanted, and I would have gone out with her out of desperation more than anything else... I have been a second choice once (her second choice actually), I don't want to do this to someone else...

Yesterday, I cancelled this Saturday's date. She didn't even ask me why... She just accepted it... And now I wonder if that was the right decision... but a decision I made, and I feel I need to stand by it... even if it seems to hurt...

didn't help that I had to give up my guiney pigs the same day (the new proprietor, my cousin, came to pick them up)...

So I cancelled a date where I would've gotten lots of hugs and affection... and then I gave up my little loves, making me depressed and in need of hugs and affection more than ever...

_________________
Age matters not, unless you're cheese.
TheRoux
TheRoux

Posts : 44
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-12-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by eselle28 on Thu Mar 05, 2015 3:15 am

I think that sounds like a good decision, Roux, but I can understand how hard something like that is. I'm sorry, and I'm doubly sorry you had to give up your piggies the same day. I hope you'll at least get to see them often. Sad
eselle28
eselle28
General Oversight Moderator

Posts : 1994
Reputation : 999
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by TheRoux on Thu Mar 05, 2015 1:03 pm

eselle28 wrote:I think that sounds like a good decision, Roux, but I can understand how hard something like that is. I'm sorry, and I'm doubly sorry you had to give up your piggies the same day. I hope you'll at least get to see them often. Sad

Yeah, I believe it was the right decision too. I'll survive. Razz And besides, my cousin posts pictures and videos of the piggies quite often, and she's not too far... She has agreed to a deal: I can come and see them if I'm willing to babysit her son (Damien, little devil he is) at the same time XD.

_________________
Age matters not, unless you're cheese.
TheRoux
TheRoux

Posts : 44
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-12-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

[ADV] Cheating ex coming back Empty Re: [ADV] Cheating ex coming back

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum