Coping

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Coping

Post by Guest on Mon Mar 09, 2015 10:26 am

I have a research paper due in less than 12 hours that I'm barely halfway done with. I could very well fail the class and be kicked out of school...again.

Anyway, I can't fucking thing of a single fucking thing to write apart from how sad I am. And in the interest of not falling to pieces online again, I'm gonna try to process it here. It's my right as an America, fuck you.

The best way I can process my jerkbrain is by comparing it to an abusive relationship, except I'm abusing myself. Literally every second of my day in which I'm not being distracted is a moment in which my mind is telling me how ugly I am. It's gotten bad enough that I've actually missed class for the first time in my life. I've gotten so risk-averse that when I abruptly failed one of my midterms, I was so scared to ask why that I simply left the grade, and now I have a chance of failing that class.

More or less, it's now interfering with real life, which is new, and it's freaking everyone out watching me go through what is very obviously the finals swirls before the drain that is mental oblivion. Suffering what is clearly a mental breakdown so severe that it's become public is not fun news.

And I was able to hide it before, really freaking well. I no longer talk in class, I sit at the back and say nothing, like my worst moments in high school. It's gotten so bad that I have failing grades in all classes for participation, because I literally will not talk unless I'm specifically instructed to. I've literally stopped speaking apart from that, doing so takes too much energy. I go, I sit in the back, I turn in my assignments, I do nothing else. That's all I can still do without breaking down any more.

At work, I no longer talk unless spoken to. I respond in the shortest possible way. I no longer speak to the residents, and this has really started to piss them off, to the point where I'm getting public complaints for not being a friendly server, even though I'm not being rude to anyone. I just don't say anything. I give them their food, I walk away. If they speak to me, I'll respond tonelessly and walk away. I literally had a woman in her 80s scream at me, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO QUIET?" in the middle of the dining room, silencing the whole room. Verbatim.

Ironically, since I've suddenly shut up, I've been getting the best performance reviews of my career as a server. The boss keeps misinterpreting my breakdown as sudden obedience and likes me more for it. I haven't been mostly mute since high school, but I do not talk. I just can't do it.

I have a friend in the kitchen there who's leaving this week, and he's the only other person I know with depression, and I've been nice enough not to snap at him about anything. But he's noticed how I've gotten increasingly violent in how I talk about other people. In response to my roommate (another coworker) repeatedly asking me if I was alright and following me around, I said to him, "if she says that one more time, I'm going to break her fucking jaw." No emotion, tonelessly. Whenever she asked if I was alright, I was repeatedly reminded of how not alright I am, how talking actually makes it worse, how I can only manage somewhat OK if I repress everything.

The teachers at my school are increasingly furious at how I've suddenly shut down. They see it as laziness, they couldn't care less that I'm in literal torture. I've actually gotten yelled at several times by my producing teacher for refusing to talk in class. My grades have steadily been dropping because of the failed participation grades, even though I do the rest of my work.

So really I'm at the point near breaking, where I've bent so far because of the jerkbrain that only the tiniest provocation will have me collapse into myself and implode. The jerkbrain took its time, but it finally beat me. I am at its mercy, it has full realm over my mind and I don't have the power to shut it up anymore. Every moment is an onslaught of self-hate and disgust. I no longer socialize, I no longer talk to anyone. I go to school, I go to work, I go home. That's it. And people stopped talking to me real fast, because as predicted, I mean nothing to them, my life brings them no joy.

I'm going to a therapist in three weeks, but I don't know how to manage if I have another breakdown. I literally cannot miss any more school without failing the class, four absences is automatic failure. I don't listen to music anymore, fuck I've stopped watching movies. Food doesn't really taste like anything anymore, it has no effect on me. I got Japanese food and it tasted like nothing, and that's my favorite food. I listen to my favorite songs and feel nothing. I watched my favorite movies and thought they were shit.

It's like that last second on the electric chair for a convict on death row, you see the guard reaching to push that button, and you're powerless to stop it from happening. But the hand is moving really slow, it's agonizing waiting to die.

I'm not capable of getting angry anymore. I'm not capable of any emotion any more. Smiling is like lifting weights, frowning slightly less so. Facial expressions feel like a marathon, movement feels like climbing a mountain vertically. My mind has turned to complete and utter haze. I'm sleeping when I should be doing homework, sleep is the one thing that gives me anything resembling pleasure anymore. When I sleep, I don't feel. I've stopped having dreams, so ironically sleep has become somewhat pleasant. I want nothing but sleep. I want that job at NASA where you're paid thousands of dollars to sleep all the time. But life and its responsibilities keep me from sleeping, I have work and school, work and school, which keeps me from sleeping, but if I don't go to work and school, I won't have money to be able to afford to live, so then I can't sleep in my nice bed. Sleep is the single mercy life has given me, and there's that brief euphoric moment when I pass out and when I wake up, and then life hits me all over again, and there's no greater pain for me than being alive.


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Re: Coping

Post by Enail on Mon Mar 09, 2015 11:25 am

Glides, you're having a really rough period and it sucks, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. And it must be really hard and frightening feeling like you can't keep it from showing or from affecting your school and relationships and work, and feeling like you've lost all the progress you've made at being social. But you haven't lost that progress. This is an intense flare-up, not an inevitable descent. You still have those skills, you just can't use them right now because all your energy is going into getting through this. That's normal in a situation like this.

I think your metaphor of the jerkbrain as an abuser is quite apt. And, like a controlling abuser, your jerkbrain is limiting and distorting the information you have access to. Chances are pretty good that things aren't as bad as they feel in terms of failing school, because that kind of absolutist "I'm fucking everything up and everything is ruined forever" talk is very much part of your jerkbrain's toolkit.  Remember that everything your jerkbrain tells you, no matter how true it feels, it is saying only because it thinks you'll believe it and it thinks that will make you too scared and too depressed to stand up to it. It's that asshole that will twist everything you know and use everything you say or do as a way to bring you down. You cannot trust what it tells you.

But even if all the worst is true, that's okay. People fail classes and survive, fail out of school and survive, and go on to live good lives and do cool things. People have mental breakdowns and recover. Do the best you can, recognize that you're in a tough situation and don't beat yourself up if it feels like the best you can is not enough. Keep yourself safe, get what help you can, and you can get through this.

If you can manage it, drop by your prof's office during their hours or make an appointment to discuss it the test you failed. If you can't manage it, that's okay. You do what you can.

Glides wrote:
Anyway, I can't fucking thing of a single fucking thing to write apart from how sad I am. And in the interest of not falling to pieces online again, I'm gonna try to process it here. It's my right as an America, fuck you.

Did you miss that the forum has been taken over by Canada? Now your only rights here are freedom of association with maple syrup and the right to apologize excessively Razz
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