Small bit of dating advice needed!

Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Rhizome5031 on Mon Mar 09, 2015 4:00 pm

Hello everyone! I've been an occasional reader of NerdLove and I've just got a little situation that I'd like to soundboard for everyone's opinion/advice if possible.

I'm a straight guy and I accepted a position with a volunteer program in a major city a little over 5 or so months ago. A number of people came into the program with me at the same time as part of a cohort, including this one person I kind of fancy more than a little bit who became part of my friend circle in the cohort group. I saw her occasionally up until this January when the group of us in the cohort started hanging out more informally, going out for drinks together in the city, etc. So during at least one of these times, she got a little flirty/touchy with me, called me handsome, etc. I've also ended up crashing on her couch at least a couple times because I have a longer trip home than anyone else when we go out as a group.

So one of the last times I crashed on her couch, I decided to fling caution to the wind and at the very end before I left her place, I sort of hilariously blurted out, "uhhh by the way I kind of dig you, would you like to go out sometime?  it's okay if you don't" and she laughed and said i should text her.

So I tried for this past Saturday but she had something going on with another friend of hers from work but invited me anyway and then also a mutual friend of ours and we had a fun night out. Near the end though while we were walking from one bar to a diner and two groups were sort of separating to do different things, her roommate/best friend who came along with the group started talking to me and started saying I should "walk that way" away from the group and then to follow the girl in question, adding that "c'mon, go, follow her, you end where she ends". Best friend did not follow as we went to a diner with one other person in tow. I crashed at girl in question's couch again and she had work that day so I said bye when I was leaving in the morning and went on my way home.

But what was that about? I can't help but think it's related since she's her best friend/roommate. I can't tell if she was trying to discourage me or the opposite or if I'm horrifically over thinking things as usual (I know I am) and should ask girl in question out again soon on a weekday night or so something. basically any support/advice/encouragement/assurances that jerkbrain should shut up would be appreciated.
Rhizome5031
Rhizome5031

Posts : 6
Reputation : 9
Join date : 2015-03-09

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by reboot on Mon Mar 09, 2015 4:05 pm

I would take anything friends/roommates say with a grain of salt, and double if it is said after alcohol consumption.

In general, though, signs are good that she is interested in you. Maybe text her this week for a 1:1 weekday date (and use the word date).
reboot
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by eselle28 on Mon Mar 09, 2015 4:16 pm

Her roommate is trying to hook the two of you up, but it's not clear whether that's because she has some inside information about the woman you like's feelings for you or because she's the matchmaking sort regardless of people's feelings on the matter or because she was just sort of drunk. I wouldn't read too much into that.

What I do think that you should take as a good sign is that she's engaged in some flirting with you, is comfortable enough around you to let you sleep on her couch, and responded to a conflict between your invitation and her existing plans by including you in the group. I agree with reboot that this is a good time to ask for a weekday date (it sounds like she has a fairly active social life, so you're more likely to find her to be free to hang out just with her on the weekdays).
eselle28
eselle28
General Oversight Moderator

Posts : 1994
Reputation : 999
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by PhoenixMI on Mon Mar 09, 2015 4:30 pm

This all sounds very positive to me based on how you reported things. You need to just take the plunge and ask her on a proper date. That means setting it up a few days in advance. Don't leave it to the last minute, day of sort of thing. She's much more likely to be busy when you do day of and it shows a lack of respect for her time/lack of planning on your part and comes across as "I really didn't have anything better to do so I called you" (regardless of how you mean it and I'm certain you don't mean to be disrespectful). It sounds to me like she's interested in you and you need to be more proactive to get the wheels moving. So far you've been passive and she may just assume you're not interested in her for whatever reason. Take her out, read her signals the best you can and take some chances with flirting. You can do this, good luck and let us know how it goes! cheers
PhoenixMI
PhoenixMI

Posts : 4
Reputation : 0
Join date : 2015-03-09

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Rhizome5031 on Mon Mar 09, 2015 4:50 pm

PhoenixMI wrote:This all sounds very positive to me based on how you reported things.  You need to just take the plunge and ask her on a proper date.  That means setting it up a few days in advance.  Don't leave it to the last minute, day of sort of thing.  She's much more likely to be busy when you do day of and it shows a lack of respect for her time/lack of planning on your part and comes across as "I really didn't have anything better to do so I called you" (regardless of how you mean it and I'm certain you don't mean to be disrespectful).  It sounds to me like she's interested in you and you need to be more proactive to get the wheels moving.  So far you've been passive and she may just assume you're not interested in her for whatever reason.  Take her out, read her signals the best you can and take some chances with flirting.  You can do this, good luck and let us know how it goes!  cheers

That's sort of what I was worried about actually. Uh-oh I wanted to invite her out on a weekday originally but was exhausted and passed out by the time I got home pretty much all week and honestly also nervous and sort of hesitant to do so unfortunately, until on Friday when I asked her if she wanted to do Saturday.

I've had relationships before, but for whatever reason, the initial getting things started still scares the hell out of me. Up until the weekend where I told her, "uhh by the way I dig you", that was also the first time I've taken the initial step in over a year or so. What's a good way to get over the nervousness and just send that initial "Let's do a real date" text?
Rhizome5031
Rhizome5031

Posts : 6
Reputation : 9
Join date : 2015-03-09

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by reboot on Mon Mar 09, 2015 5:03 pm

Find something you want to do and write the, "Hey, want to go on a date? I was thinking X on Yday. Interested?" Then hit send without rereading or second guessing yourself.

This is one of those things where nervousness is OK and common. You just need to roll with it. If she says no, she says no and you have a definite answer.
reboot
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Rhizome5031 on Mon Mar 09, 2015 5:08 pm

Okay! I'm gonna try to scout out a place in the area she lives that's good to eat, aim for a Wednesday/Thursday, and not put this off and ask her tonight.
Rhizome5031
Rhizome5031

Posts : 6
Reputation : 9
Join date : 2015-03-09

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by PhoenixMI on Mon Mar 09, 2015 5:10 pm

Rhizome5031 wrote:
That's sort of what I was worried about actually. Uh-oh I wanted to invite her out on a weekday originally but was exhausted and passed out by the time I got home pretty much all week and honestly also nervous and sort of hesitant to do so unfortunately, until on Friday when I asked her if she wanted to do Saturday.

I've had relationships before, but for whatever reason, the initial getting things started still scares the hell out of me. Up until the weekend where I told her, "uhh by the way I dig you", that was also the first time I've taken the initial step in over a year or so. What's a good way to get over the nervousness and just send that initial "Let's do a real date" text?

One thing that hopefully everyone learns at some point in their life is that there's no way to get rid of feelings. Things that make you nervous today will likely make you nervous tomorrow. Feelings are going to do whatever they want to do regardless of what we want them to do. What you CAN and should control is how you react to your feelings. In no way am I saying that this is easy but have you heard the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway"? The more times you're exposed to something scary, your body realizes that, even if the worst realistic outcome occurs, it's not even close to how horrible it was in your imagination and, in reality, you survived and are not really in any mortal danger. I'm saying this as much to myself as I am to you right now. It's so, so hard to push through that fear but it's either that or never get what you want.

I think you're overloading all of this. It sounds as if you've liked her for a while so you have a bit of a fantasy version of her in your head and she's on a pedestal. Skip all the upfront "I dig you"s and just ask, "hey, would you like to [nonthreatening activity] with me on [date], [time]? It's really just that simple. If she's interested she'll say yes if she isn't busy. If she says she's busy you can ask her when she would be free. If she kicks the can down the road by not committing to a time, you may be getting a "soft no" from her. At that point, if it were me, I would leave it open by saying, "ok, no problem, let me know what works for you" then drop it completely. Ball 100% in her court.

It was very brave of you to ask at all and I have a lot of respect for you for taking that step. Just hang in there a little longer. I can't promise the outcome you'd like but at the very least you won't look back on it as an opportunity you missed because you were too scared to try.
PhoenixMI
PhoenixMI

Posts : 4
Reputation : 0
Join date : 2015-03-09

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Rhizome5031 on Mon Mar 09, 2015 7:21 pm

PhoenixMI wrote:
Rhizome5031 wrote:
That's sort of what I was worried about actually. Uh-oh I wanted to invite her out on a weekday originally but was exhausted and passed out by the time I got home pretty much all week and honestly also nervous and sort of hesitant to do so unfortunately, until on Friday when I asked her if she wanted to do Saturday.

I've had relationships before, but for whatever reason, the initial getting things started still scares the hell out of me. Up until the weekend where I told her, "uhh by the way I dig you", that was also the first time I've taken the initial step in over a year or so. What's a good way to get over the nervousness and just send that initial "Let's do a real date" text?

One thing that hopefully everyone learns at some point in their life is that there's no way to get rid of feelings.  Things that make you nervous today will likely make you nervous tomorrow.  Feelings are going to do whatever they want to do regardless of what we want them to do.  What you CAN and should control is how you react to your feelings.  In no way am I saying that this is easy but have you heard the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway"?  The more times you're exposed to something scary, your body realizes that, even if the worst realistic outcome occurs, it's not even close to how horrible it was in your imagination and, in reality, you survived and are not really in any mortal danger.  I'm saying this as much to myself as I am to you right now.  It's so, so hard to push through that fear but it's either that or never get what you want.

I think you're overloading all of this.  It sounds as if you've liked her for a while so you have a bit of a fantasy version of her in your head and she's on a pedestal.  Skip all the upfront "I dig you"s and just ask, "hey, would you like to [nonthreatening activity] with me on [date], [time]?  It's really just that simple.  If she's interested she'll say yes if she isn't busy.  If she says she's busy you can ask her when she would be free.  If she kicks the can down the road by not committing to a time, you may be getting a "soft no" from her.  At that point, if it were me, I would leave it open by saying, "ok, no problem, let me know what works for you" then drop it completely.  Ball 100% in her court.

It was very brave of you to ask at all and I have a lot of respect for you for taking that step.  Just hang in there a little longer.  I can't promise the outcome you'd like but at the very least you won't look back on it as an opportunity you missed because you were too scared to try.

No, I agree, I realize I am probably overloading/overthinking on this. It's a really bad tendency of mine to overthink, fret, and not be assertive enough, especially in the relationship realm, because I will obsess about all the reasons why someone wouldn't want to date me or why things couldn't work or whatever bullshit reason to make myself feel like it's okay to just not be an adult and ask someone to go out. Neutral

To make a long story short and add a little background to all this, from 2012 to 2013 I went through a really really bad, traumatic time in my life (including a pretty horrifically toxic relationship) that pretty much destroyed a lot of my confidence as a person in just about everything and anything and it's been a long tooth and nail climb up from that nadir. So just getting to the point where for the first time in a while I can tell someone new that I haven't already dated "uh, hey, I dig you" felt like a big thing. And even that first text. I definitely don't want to put her on a pedestal and obviously I don't want to get any expectations (and really I'm not, I'm not even necessarily looking for a capital-r relationship, I'd just like to date at this point), I just get bogged down in the details of summing up the courage to just DO something and it's just reassuring to get other peoples thoughts/encouragement that my own thoughts or feelings are not wrong. And to be pushed a little!

Thanks for your, and everyone's, advice! I'll let you guys know how this works out.
Rhizome5031
Rhizome5031

Posts : 6
Reputation : 9
Join date : 2015-03-09

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by reboot on Mon Mar 09, 2015 7:22 pm

Please do! We are rooting for you, especially those of us who dug out of nadirs of despair!
reboot
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Rhizome5031 on Mon Mar 09, 2015 11:40 pm

Update: invitation to go out on a date, explicitly a date, on Thursday was sent like 45 or 50 minutes or so ago. Still awaiting response.

All else fails, at the very least, I did it.
Rhizome5031
Rhizome5031

Posts : 6
Reputation : 9
Join date : 2015-03-09

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by reboot on Mon Mar 09, 2015 11:48 pm

Rhizome5031 wrote:Update: invitation to go out on a date, explicitly a date, on Thursday was sent like 45 or 50 minutes or so ago. Still awaiting response.

All else fails, at the very least, I did it.

Well done! And yes, at least you did it.

If I were you, I would do something away from your phone that is fun and distracting for a few hours and maybe not look at it until morning, if possible. It might keep you from stressing about an answer (or lack thereof) for a while
reboot
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Rhizome5031 on Tue Mar 10, 2015 12:50 am

i have a date on thursday
Rhizome5031
Rhizome5031

Posts : 6
Reputation : 9
Join date : 2015-03-09

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by StrangePanda on Tue Mar 10, 2015 1:02 am

Yay yay yay cheers
I'm really glad it worked!
You and other brave people like you, you inspire me that someday I'll have the courage to ask someone out too Grin

StrangePanda

Posts : 51
Reputation : 26
Join date : 2015-01-15

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Werel on Tue Mar 10, 2015 1:11 am

Party Well done and congrats! Hope y'all have fun.
Werel
Werel
Moderator of "Meeting People and Dating Advice"

Posts : 1952
Reputation : 1160
Join date : 2014-09-25

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by reboot on Tue Mar 10, 2015 1:24 am

Yipee! Way to go!!
reboot
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by gaboz on Tue Mar 10, 2015 9:02 am

Rhizome5031 wrote:i have a date on thursday

see my signature and use it as a mantra. You go and be cool

_________________
Sucking At Something Is The First Step To Being Sort Of Good At Something

gaboz

Posts : 53
Reputation : 15
Join date : 2014-10-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Enail on Tue Mar 10, 2015 9:24 am

Woo! Congrats! Hope you have a great time!
Enail
Enail
Admin

Posts : 4002
Reputation : 2222
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Autumnflame on Tue Mar 10, 2015 2:48 pm

Woooo! Grin
Autumnflame
Autumnflame

Posts : 181
Reputation : 55
Join date : 2014-10-03

View user profile http://priscillakim.carbonmade.com

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Gman on Tue Mar 10, 2015 3:20 pm

This one's for you. Congrats :-)

Gman
Gman

Posts : 233
Reputation : 57
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Hirundo Bos on Tue Mar 10, 2015 5:42 pm

Joining all the others in cheering you on, hope you'll have a good date, and whether it works out or not, just making it happen sounds like a big step.
Hirundo Bos
Hirundo Bos

Posts : 572
Reputation : 333
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile http://abouthirundo.blogspot.com

Back to top Go down

Small bit of dating advice needed! Empty Re: Small bit of dating advice needed!

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum