Jerk Brain Issues

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Jerk Brain Issues

Post by Artanis_Neravar on Sun Mar 15, 2015 1:48 am

There's this girl I like (jane), and I know she doesn't return my feelings, but I'm ok with that. The part I don't like is that there is nagging thought in the back of my head that I make her uncomfortable (there is someone else she interacts with on a regular basis that makes her feel that way and I worry that I may to)

Nothing in the way she acts around me leads me to believe this is true, and recently her best friend (holly) sent the two of us off to do something we both wanted to do that the rest of the group didn't. I know (beyound any doubt) holly would never send Jane off alone with someone who made her (jane) uncomfortable.

So logically I know my worries are baseless but it doesn't stoo the feeling pushing it's way into my brain and making me feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and just not interact with anyone. I can always tell myself that my worries are unfounded and wrong, and the I can logic my way through it and always get me back into my normal head space.

But it still sucks that this keeps coming back to bug me.

I know there's no real question here, but writing out what's bumping around in my head really helps, especially this late at night. So if anyone wants to comment or leave any suggestions, feel free.
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Re: Jerk Brain Issues

Post by Jayce on Sun Mar 15, 2015 3:58 am

Hmm, is there a reason(s) why you think you might be making her uncomfortable? E.g do you notice her behaviour to be a bit unsettling, did her face express discomfort, etc... You can never know for sure unless you ask, and even then she might not tell you a truthful answer, but what you can do is become more cognitively aware of your surroundings and other people's as well as your behaviours.

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Re: Jerk Brain Issues

Post by Artanis_Neravar on Sun Mar 15, 2015 10:13 am

No, she always seems very comfortable and relaxed around me. Her body language never appeas tense, she's always happy to talk to me, never just gives short evasive answers, nothing to lead me to believe that I make her feel uncomfortable.

When we hang out I have no issues with my jerk brain, it's just very other time
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Re: Jerk Brain Issues

Post by readertorider on Sun Mar 15, 2015 2:36 pm

Maybe it would help a bit to back away for awhile (only see Jane at occasional group events, stop worrying about her late at night (to the extent that you can), have a couple of months of limited communication with her, focus on work/other friends/hobby etc)? Generally the same sort of thing people are advised to do after a break-up?

I don't know if Jane is uncomfortable or not and I don't think there's any way you could have a definitive answer to that question. But finding out that someone has feelings toward you that you don't return does jolt your reality and it might be worth it to step back for a bit to let you both recalibrate your realities/friendship back to the platonic baseline?

IDK. Overall, however, your whole logic/phrasing just feels off and I can't tell if you're making a mountain from a molehill as an excuse to keep focusing on Jane (good on you for asking her out though!), if your instincts are good and you are making her uncomfortable but you don't want to admit it to yourself, or if there's something else, but from my cracked monitor it seems like a little disengagement + time might help heal things over or sort them out.
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Re: Jerk Brain Issues

Post by jcorozza on Sun Mar 15, 2015 10:07 pm

It sounds like she probably isn't uncomfortable, but if it keeps bugging you, you could always bring it up - did you tell her at some point that you had feelings for her, and she said she didn't feel the same way? If so, you could refer back to that conversation, and tell her that even though you know she feels differently, her friendship is still important, and that you want her to feel comfortable telling if/when you make her feel weird.
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Re: Jerk Brain Issues

Post by Autumnflame on Mon Mar 16, 2015 5:07 am

It might just be an issue that your jerkbrain is focusing on because it's a useful thing to obsess over, even though there's nothing actually to it, since all external signs are pointing to no. (There's a reason they're called jerkbrains, after all.) Maybe it'll help to just accept that you're going through yet another cycle of it, and tell yourself, "Okay, I'm getting anxious about this again - it sure is tiresome, but feelings gonna feel. It'll be over again soon enough." Finding something else to focus on during those anxious moments (art? exercise? meditation? gaming? sudoku?) to distract your brain from knotting itself into curls might help, too. Or writing about it, as you are here. Wink
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Re: Jerk Brain Issues

Post by Artanis_Neravar on Mon Mar 16, 2015 5:44 pm

jcorozza wrote:It sounds like she probably isn't uncomfortable, but if it keeps bugging you, you could always bring it up - did you tell her at some point that you had feelings for her, and she said she didn't feel the same way?  If so, you could refer back to that conversation, and tell her that even though you know she feels differently, her friendship is still important, and that you want her to feel comfortable telling if/when you make her feel weird.

I never told her myself (someone else might have, but I'm not sure about that), but I have never been a very subtle person and I know for a fact that she knows how I feel and doesn't feel the same

Autumnflame wrote:It might just be an issue that your jerkbrain is focusing on because it's a useful thing to obsess over, even though there's nothing actually to it, since all external signs are pointing to no. (There's a reason they're called jerkbrains, after all.) Maybe it'll help to just accept that you're going through yet another cycle of it, and tell yourself, "Okay, I'm getting anxious about this again - it sure is tiresome, but feelings gonna feel. It'll be over again soon enough." Finding something else to focus on during those anxious moments (art? exercise? meditation? gaming? sudoku?) to distract your brain from knotting itself into curls might help, too. Or writing about it, as you are here. Wink

Writing about it on here, and being able to talk to people who aren't immediately in my social circle, and who aren't going to try and "help" by talking to the other person does really help
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