Re: Creeping People Out Off-Shoot: Work

by reboundstudent Mon Mar 23, 2015 11:11 am

MapWater wrote:
As much as you're absolutely spot on here that it would be unfair to consider it a crime if an 'ugly' gal has a crush on someone, unless you have actual reason to believe that this guy in particular considers you unattractive, it's probably not the best line of thought to entertain if you can avoid it. It doesn't exactly do yourself any favours when there's nothing to back it up. Past experiences may nag at you, making you think you have him figured out, but it leads to making the exact kind of assumptions about what he finds attractive that so many of the guys do that comment on DNL Prime do about women and their preferences.

Perhaps, but I can't think of another explanation for why he would feel so uncomfortable and creeped out by me. The only reason I can come up with why it was so awful/creepy for me to have had a crush on him is that I, as a person, am unattractive or disgusting to him.

I don't fully buy that a person (guy or girl) will call the same behavior from an ugly person "creepy" and from an attractive person "all right", but I do think there is a Dobler-Dahmer effect sometimes. If I was a pretty girl with a crush, who acted the same way I did, I can't imagine he'd be as embarrassed and horrified as he seems to be. Again, he has every right to feel what he does, and I need to somehow fix whatever it was I was doing that was creepy/too invasive, but me being unattractive to him probably does play into the "creepy" label at least a little bit.

by **reboot** Mon Mar 23, 2015 12:36 pm

Frankly, if he is still weirded out by the revelation of a crush two years ago from a third party and cannot manage his feelings in a professional manner, the problem is with him, not you.

Eselle, ChrissyOrg, etc gave perfect advice. Act to him like you do any coworker you work on a project with: courteous, professional, on topic. Either he manages to do the same or he does not, that is not your concern.

by Izmuth Mon Mar 23, 2015 1:58 pm

reboundstudent wrote:
Perhaps, but I can't think of another explanation for why he would feel so uncomfortable and creeped out by me. The only reason I can come up with why it was so awful/creepy for me to have had a crush on him is that I, as a person, am unattractive or disgusting to him.

I don't fully buy that a person (guy or girl) will call the same behavior from an ugly person "creepy" and from an attractive person "all right", but I do think there is a Dobler-Dahmer effect sometimes. If I was a pretty girl with a crush, who acted the same way I did, I can't imagine he'd be as embarrassed and horrified as he seems to be. Again, he has every right to feel what he does, and I need to somehow fix whatever it was I was doing that was creepy/too invasive, but me being unattractive to him probably does play into the "creepy" label at least a little bit.

I have had to fight these kinds of thoughts too, and I know it's hard, but it's really essential to nip them in the bud.

It helped me to ask myself: Even if it's true that my behavior would be forgiven if I was more attractive, how does that help me? It doesn't. Since it's therefore only unhelpful to focus on, I managed to move past it.

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