No More Social Life [ranting because I have fuck all else to do]

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No More Social Life [ranting because I have fuck all else to do] Empty No More Social Life [ranting because I have fuck all else to do]

Post by Guest on Sat Mar 21, 2015 11:20 pm

For a good two years, I'd had this strange tendency to be able to have someone to hang out with whenever I wanted to. I'd never have to be alone, which is my greatest fear among my many fears.

I've just spent the umpteenth day completely isolated apart from work (which was horrible). Somehow, my entire social network seems to have completely slipped away. People ignore my texts, my calls, everything.

Probably because I've gotten really fucking negative since my latest breakdown, and obviously don't want to be around someone like that. But nobody seems to want to be around me anymore.

It's like a nightmare that never ends. But I'm alone right now and I have nothing to do and no one to talk to (I've sent out a bunch of random texts and literally no one has responded). And it's like middle school all over again, except it's like twenty times harder to make friends when you're older.

And the more time I spend alone, the more time I have to think. And the more I think, the worse I feel. And so on. Isolation just speeds up the inevitable.

I'm seeing my therapist next Tuesday (I only have ten sessions, which means that I'm not going to be cured), and that's really the only thing I'm doing that isn't school or work next week. My roommate has been avoiding me, everyone's been avoiding me. My apartment is a prison.

It is so fucking tough to hold on when you have no reason apart from shame and guilt. The only thing keeping me alive is the chance that dying might traumatize my family, that's literally it. I'm living so they'll feel comfortable. I just want to stop feeling anything.

I'm ranting on this fucking forum because I have nothing else to do. I don't have the motivation to do anything else. Could try to fill out some more forms to film festivals, write more...don't have the energy to write anything creative or meaningful. Just bitching on here, which is easy, which doesn't have to be any good.

And no one else is listening except for you assholes on the forum, isn't that fucked up? Nobody else seems to want to listen. Nobody else seems to give a fuck that I'm suffering. I have nothing except for the basic requirements that keep me alive: food and shelter. Some video games. Internet access. That's it.

And yeah, I've always wanted a girlfriend so I could feel important to at least one other person, that someone's day would be brightened by my existence. I want someone to think about me and think to themselves, "yeah, that guy makes my whole life better." No one does that, I'm not worthy of such thoughts. I've actually skirted past Red Pill (one of my greatest "achievements") straight to Forever Alone mode.

And that date isn't happening, the girl canceled on me. So all that false hope for nothing. I keep pretending my phone and my internet don't work, as if all these people are sending messages, asking if I'm OK, and I have the bad luck of never seeing them.

I mean, if my family knew the extent of my suffering, I think they'd actually agree that me being dead would be the best thing for me.

And I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop. And death is the most efficient way of removing the pain. Because even without depression, I'm still completely isolated and worthless, working a shit minimum wage job, in pure stagnation. I'm 20 years old and I'm actually doing worse off than most 20 years old. After I graduate, that's the end. That's where I never get a good job, never afford to pay for myself, nothing.

I don't even have the energy to be my typical nasty self. Nastiness takes energy, I have none. I only have the energy to be sad. It's like I'm grieving my own fucking sanity.

And then you'll apologize for how rough I have it, because you can't do anything else for me. You'll wish everything is OK, and mean it. I don't actually remember when I wasn't like this. I know that I've had good days, I just keep forgetting when they were.

I don't even want a girlfriend at this rate. I don't want sex and romance and love, really. I want to be alone, because when I'm alone, the only person who can hurt me is me.

Benjamin Franklin said "Some people die at 25 and are buried at 75." If that's true, I've been dead since birth. All I'm waiting for is my burial.

I'm not living, I'm existing. I'm breathing and eating and sleeping. That's it. That's all I do now. I just sit the rest of the time when I'm not working.

And no matter how many times I post here, I will never get better. Therapy hasn't been helping, nothing's been helping. I just rant and rant in circles, never stopping, always ranting.

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No More Social Life [ranting because I have fuck all else to do] Empty Re: No More Social Life [ranting because I have fuck all else to do]

Post by Enail on Sat Mar 21, 2015 11:57 pm

Glides, you've had good days even recently. I know it's hard to remember when you're feeling so bad, and hard for it to feel like it means anything even if you can remember, but you've had better days, and you will have better days again.

A while back you mentioned that you were worried you were driving your friends away with your mood. If you've been hostile or had fights with them, maybe try reaching out with an apology?

Before your session run out with the therapy, ask if they have any recommendations for a next step, where you should look to find something longer-term, what kind of treatments might be most useful for you.

Sorry to hear about your date, and much sympathy for the loneliness and exhaustion and general bad-feeling. If you feel up to it, try and get out and do something active or enjoyable - when you're feeling really isolated and spiraling into depressive thinking, getting yourself outside of your own head can be really important.
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