I Need New Friends

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I Need New Friends Empty I Need New Friends

Post by Guest on Mon Mar 23, 2015 2:29 am

I'm totally aware that I might actually be the asshole in this story, but I'm telling it anyway and I need advice.

I decided to socialize for the first time in what must've been a week or so. These are people I know kinda well, see them every so often.

We watched Interstellar, It's pretty freaking awesome.

At the end of the movie, everyone is asked to offer a rating and an explanation as to why.

My rating: "I give it a 9.5, the acting was great, the visuals were great, the score was great. The thing that bothered me was this whole 'love can transcend time' bullshit (it's not a spoiler), that came off as kinda contrived."

And then this dude started sniping at me. "Fuck you, that was fucking beautiful. You're going to die alone if you don't appreciate love in movies."

And then the whole group pretty much began teasing me about not liking what was the most emotional (and illogical) part of the movie, and calling me "Forever Alone," and then spent the next few minutes casually mentioning how much they loved that part of the movie in their reviews, and how retarded I am.

Scene in question is where Anne Hathaway talks about some guy she was in love with in the middle of the movie, means literally nothing. It's just a terribly written scene in the middle of a damn good film.

These people were basically the only people I still socialize with. Whether or not they meant to offend me is besides the point. Fact is, I don't like being treated like that.

My other problem: I made these friends because of my former roommate, who despite his own crippling insecurities was somehow a social dynamo and was a literal Casanova type. He exuded so much fake charisma that women are putty in his hands, and literally everyone wanted to be around him, not to mention being a fucking hysterical guy. All of these people are people he also knew before leaving for school. I have never made a single friend without his help.

And we only hung out because we all wanted to be Mr. Pussy Destroyer, basically. And now that he's gone, this giant group of people are splintering. I don't actually know how to make friends on my own. I am easily the least popular of this group (to the point where I don't really say much when I'm around them, nor do they seem to notice me).

They're not people I can trust and depend on, they don't care about my existence. I'd very much like to find people who value my existence, even if I don't deserve that.

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Post by BasedBuzzed on Mon Mar 23, 2015 7:39 am

First off: nobody ever 'deserves' anything.
Two: if these people know the bachelor thing is a button and they're still pushing it, they're the dicks. If they don't know it, it seems pretty much the level of standard shit-talking, it's just that you don't mesh well with that group dynamic, but continue to hang with these people because you don't think you deserve/can get any better.
Three: your social circle being toxic, at least to you, has been a pattern for some time now. It will help to divide your inner feelings about no-one caring about you and actual identifiable toxic dynamics, as it well help you in choosing which people you want to make an effort to stay in touch with. You don't have to restart from zero, just slowly shift the people you hang out with while simultaneously working on jerkbrain issues.

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Post by nearly_takuan on Mon Mar 23, 2015 8:34 am

FWIW, most of the people in my own life with whom I've discussed the same movie agree with me/you/us: the "twoo ruv is the most powerful magic" bits were the weakest part of the movie. Even those who aren't themselves tired of the trope said Nolan is bad at sentimental stuff in general. So, y'know, it's at least possible to find people with those tastes, and it's probably not as difficult as finding lonely virgin types in a city full of swingers.

And I 'gree with everything BasedBuzzed said here.
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Post by eselle28 on Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:36 am

nearly_takuan wrote:FWIW, most of the people in my own life with whom I've discussed the same movie agree with me/you/us: the "twoo ruv is the most powerful magic" bits were the weakest part of the movie. Even those who aren't themselves tired of the trope said Nolan is bad at sentimental stuff in general. So, y'know, it's at least possible to find people with those tastes, and it's probably not as difficult as finding lonely virgin types in a city full of swingers.

And I 'gree with everything BasedBuzzed said here.

Yeah, most people I know objected to either the concept or the execution of the "true love" theme. There were a few who liked it, and they had a bit of civil discussion with those who disliked the execution and agreed to disagree with people like me who don't have patience with the trope in anything setting itself up as more sophisticated than a lower-end Doctor Who episode. So, yeah, it is possible to find people whose taste is more similar to yours or who handle differences of opinion about media without resorting to mockery.

I'll third what BasedBuzzed said.
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Post by Enail on Mon Mar 23, 2015 1:10 pm

Fourthing BasedBuzzed. My more detailed thoughts, though they're pretty much echoing what he's already said:

1. Yeah, it sounds like they're assholes. As BB points out, this isn't the first time they've done asshole shit.

2. They might not be assholes. Again, as BB said, some social groups just joke that way, so if they didn't have reason to think it might be a sore spot for you and you didn't ask them to stop, they might not be meaning to be assholes. Also, not all people who make asshole jokes are irredeemable assholes - I've been there and I like to think I'm not an asshole anymore.  

If you want to tell if they're toxic or redeemable, it might help to look at how they treat other people, to take your own emotional reaction out of the picture. Do they joke about other peoples' sore spots or do they tend to make fun of people on topics that they might not suspect are hurtful? How do they react if someone tells them to stop or seems to be upset?

3. Even if they're not assholes, you don't have to be friends with them. You can just not like their sense of humour or their behavior even if they're not trying to hurt anyone with it!

4. There's a small possibility that you're a contributing asshole in this story - nothing wrong with having different opinions from others but there are better and worse ways to express them. What you said sounds fine, so I don't think you were a contributing asshole here, but it's worth keeping an eye on how you talk about things to make sure you don't do it in ways that would make someone who was deeply touched by that scene, say, feel bad or attacked. Especially since you're in a group that talks in pretty bombastic, insulting ways, and you can come across strongly about things, you may have picked up some aggressive or insulting ways of disagreeing that you might want to watch out for.  

5. Not having to start from zero. Like BB says (again!), you don't need to burn those bridges even if you want to phase them out of your life. But - shocking, a thought of my own here! - you don't have to be friends with all of them to be friends with some of them. Are there any people that you like in that group? Maybe ones who seem less enthusiastic about the shit-talking and asshole behavior? If so, now's a good time to start trying to cultivate an individual friendship with them, a relationship that doesn't just depend on being part of the same group. Spend a little more time with them when you're hanging out in group, suggest doing something one-on-one with them.

6. Making new friends can take a while of going to different things and meeting people, both to find people that suit you and to develop friendships when you do. So it'll take some patience and persistence. As per point#4, when you're meeting new people, keep a bit of an eye on how much you're echoing the social norms of your current friend group - if you try to act in a way that would be cool and fit in with those friends, you're likely to attract similar people to them, and to scare off the ones who don't like that way of behaving.
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Post by Guest on Wed Mar 25, 2015 3:39 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:FWIW, most of the people in my own life with whom I've discussed the same movie agree with me/you/us: the "twoo ruv is the most powerful magic" bits were the weakest part of the movie. Even those who aren't themselves tired of the trope said Nolan is bad at sentimental stuff in general. So, y'know, it's at least possible to find people with those tastes, and it's probably not as difficult as finding lonely virgin types in a city full of swingers.

And I 'gree with everything BasedBuzzed said here.

I dunno, it was the scene where Brand was talking about Edmunds. At the line "the thought of seeing him again excites me," I burst into hysterical laughter. And got dirty looks from everyone else. It was the only time during the whole movie I made a sound, the rest of the time I was in complete awe.

The spoiler-y stuff at the end was kinda silly if you used your noggin, but at least it tied back to the rest of the film. But even so, it's a very beautifully made film, I loved it aside from all the hippie crap.

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Post by kath on Wed Mar 25, 2015 10:30 pm

You've met different hippies in your life than I if that true love plot sounded like "hippie crap" to you.

I was OK with the inclusion of that plot, because I considered it to be one of the explorations of the tensions of forwarding your own personal goals versus goals that have wider impact, and that it can be really hard to tell when those are the same thing, and how do we make ethical decisions that impact the fate of the species, and is there any way to think clearly about that (No, I guess). If you're exploring making decisions based on love and the impact on the wider society, "true love" should be one of the conceptions of love you explore (along with familial love, self love, and uber-practicality / love of an idea or ideology).

I personally was kinda less satisfied about the singularity-creating-humans-ex-machina communications channel, but ... I suppose how else are you going to wrap up that plot.
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