Someone interested; fast turn-around on this one.

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Someone interested; fast turn-around on this one. Empty Someone interested; fast turn-around on this one.

Post by Coin-op Adjutant on Sat Mar 28, 2015 5:14 pm

Couldn't really think which topic this belonged to, so I'll just put it under "meeting people/dating" for now. Wall-of-text alert.

So I'm sort of back in college to take a light class load, in part to do some things I've wanted to do but never had the opportunity, and partially b/c I'm on a use-it-or-lose-it basis with my remaining financial aid. I'm the only man in this small class (the others dropped the course), and this has not gone unnoticed.

I've been making some close acquaintances (friendly terms, but not "friends-friends" yet, if that makes any sense), and it's been fun. Well...the youngest student in class (just shy of 21) had been repeatedly dropping clue-by-fours on my head a couple of weeks ago. ("Just so you know, I'm totally into older guys. Especially smart ones." and later "Do you have a girlfriend?" (No.) "Do you have a boyfriend?" (No.) "Why not? You seem like you have yourself together.")
This is something new, because as far as I know, nobody's actually been interested enough to be so blatant about it. Of course I was intrigued--she had actually caught my eye beforehand, and we had talked before, but nothing beyond that. I eventually asked her out, although I held off for a little while due to an awesome sinus-infection-with-fever combo that took me a while to get over. (During texting for arrangements, she told me she was really excited and "couldn't wait.")

For the record: Her--toned black woman; very enthusiastic/go-getter; loves to talk; has had several relationships before (and apparently just got out of one recently). Me--skinny white nerd/geek with niche hobbies (is that redundant?); decidedly not experienced with anything in that regard; not great at talking, but working on it (still in CBT for anxiety); still unsure of my life's direction.

So we went out on a movie-then-restaurant date. Total time: about 5 hours. And during most of lunch, she read part of me like a book. She also expressed frustration with me not answering "as much as she wanted." She also admitted that she wanted to see me more, in spite of the fact that she had guessed I would be a fairly reserved person (and the fact that her favorite thing in the world seems to be talking). One particular topic that kept coming up was what we were going to do with our lives, and honestly, I had trouble coming up with an answer that didn't sound weird, so I answered honestly: not sure what to say, because up until the last couple of years I've spent in this world, I only did school and nothing but school. Only once I had a paying job have I been able to start doing things with my life (and start digging myself out of my own mental prison, not that I mentioned that part). She asked if I had a girlfriend before. I answered no, of course (I also mentioned that she was the only person who'd ever been so blatant about showing interest in me, which came as a flat-out shock to her). I recall at some point in there she showed excitement about how I would be "out of my shell."

Long story short, come the end of the date, she told me she had a wonderful time. Initial plans were for another date the following weekend. Well, that never happened, because within the next couple of days, I got "not really looking to date at this time because I'm in a very major transitional period but I'll totally hang out with you as friends." Not a word since outside of hi/byes. That's quite a change from the impression I had a week prior, so I'm wondering what I might have done to elicit this response.

Thoughts: Probably said all the wrong things in the conversation, but good lord is this difficult. So now I'm juggling whether or not her sudden (seeming) complete disinterest is due to something I said, or if she's genuinely not at a good point to be dating. Just needed to get it out in words. Self-doubt sucks. On the other hand, 5-hour first date. And that hasn't been the first time.

What are some good things to respond with when it comes to topics like this when I genuinely don't know the answer (or know it, but don't really want to say it for fear of sounding socially inept)? I'd ask "how do I people," but I know that can only come through practice and this isn't really the place for that.

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Edit for borking the formatting.
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Post by waxingjaney on Sat Mar 28, 2015 5:36 pm

You're not framing the situation correctly. You caught her eye, the two of you spent some time sussing each other out, and you turned out to not be what she was looking for after all. You didn't "do" anything wrong, except be the Keymaster for a Gate she was not the Keeper of.
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Post by eselle28 on Mon Mar 30, 2015 3:21 pm

Okay, so first things first: congratulations on asking a woman you liked out and having what sounds like a decent first date with her. The point of a first date is to determine if you're compatible enough with someone to get to know them better, and it sounds like you accomplished that and had a decent enough time, even if the end result was that you two weren't really meant to be.

I'm mostly with waxingjaney that it sounds like you just don't happen to be who she was looking for. I do think there are a couple of things you can tweak. Specifically, while "I don't know" is a perfectly fine answer if it's a true one, framing the topic as being excited to explore all the great opportunities in front of you tends to be a positive way of giving an honest answer rather than focusing on past reasons for not having explored those opportunities before. I'd also say that while it's good to be upfront about not having been in a relationship if asked, it might be better to leave out the bit comparing her level of interest to others'. It's just a lot of pressure on a first date, especially if a woman who comes across as quite forward is actually still making up her mind how she feels.

Beyond those couple of small things, though, I'd say that it sounds like she's perhaps looking for someone whose personality is a bit more like hers and that you'd perhaps do better with someone who wasn't quite so talkative or direct. That happens sometimes. And while the 5 hour date can be confusing, sometimes it does happen that people like each other enough to give the date a good bit of time but not enough to see a future. It's especially likely to happen if the date includes a movie - that generally means closer to 3 hours of conversation, which can be about the right amount of time for incompatibilities with someone who you like and find attractive to emerge.

Basically, I'd say good job and keep doing most of what you're doing, because there are women out there who will be more compatible with you than it sounds like this one is.
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