Nice clothes and self image

[StrangePanda]

That’s Panda again with another thread yay! There is a question I wanted to ask you all but was feeling a little bit weird… Well, okay, so here is the issue: you know how people generally give advice on how dressing better improves self-confidence and feeling better about self-image? Well, I don’t know why but for me it’s the opposite, when I make an effort and dress in something pretty it’s making me feel self-conscious and weird. I sort of feel… ridiculous? Like I’m exaggerating, like I did too much and now I look ridiculous. It’s not like my clothes are extravagant or really weird, nothing particular and yet every time I put something nice on myself my thoughts are: “oh gods, I think I look ridiculous, why did I even put that, I should have chosen something more usual, now people will think I’m weird for wearing this with an appearance like mine” and such. There are some things hanging in my closet that I’d love to wear and find very cute but when I put them on and face the mirror I feel the urge to put them down, not because the clothes are ugly but I feel like I just can’t wear it without looking ridiculous. The same goes with nice hair styles or jewelry.

Am I too weird? I never talked about it to a friend because I realize I’m not supposed to feel this way. I just really want to get over these thoughts because the way I usually dress doesn’t work for attracting guys and I think I have to change something to become prettier but I can’t stop thinking I’m ugly and I only deserve plain clothes to not accentuate my ugliness.  Help ?

[The Wisp]

I used to feel that way a lot until recently. I wouldn't feel comfortable in anything that wasn't a loose t-shirt and loose-jeans/shorts because it felt fake and conflicted with my personality. I don't know what changed, but one day I forced myself to buy nicer clothes and while it felt weird at first, I'm used to it now. It was a gradual shift, though: new shirts one month, then six months later new jeans, then a few months later new glasses, and it's still on going. I felt the gradual change to be easier, and it has been.

It kinda sounds like you're getting a feeling of cognitive dissonance? You see yourself in the mirror and you look cute, but that conflicts with your negative body image and it feels weird and so you resolve it by not wearing the clothes.

I'm not sure I can offer great advice, but have you tried walking around in your daily life in these clothes? Maybe part of the weirdness is the newness of it all?

Also, have you tried just looking in the mirror with the cute outfit on and just sitting with the feelings? Maybe if you did that until those feelings dampened, you could start to getting used to seeing yourself being cute as a more normal thing. I've never been a woman with body image issues, so I'm not sure my advice is helpful.

Anyway, this sounds frustrating and I'm sorry you're struggling with this, Panda.

[caliseivy]

The Wisp's suggestions sound good, I probably need to try them myself since I have the same issue. Maybe try a cute hairstyle with your regular go-to shirt, or the shirt or nice shoes/earrings with it. Also, maybe it's in how you're looking at it? Maybe when you put something nice on and stand in front of the mirror instead of thinking about how unusual it is for you try to zero in on all the small things you like about the outfit, what made you want it.
If you can focus on wearing it because you like it (the way you like your go-to piece of clothing)/wearing it for yourself it becomes easier. I transitioned into tanks and dresses that way.

[Guest]

Would it help to focus on the clothes rather than you in the clothes? Sort of a "these are so cute, they deserve to be seen" without attaching it to "oh god I look so bad in them?" Or maybe just trying one piece at a time (say, a really nice pair of earrings, but your usual wear)?

I like Wisp's idea of wearing them and looking at yourself in the mirror and just sitting with the awkwardness. It might be especially helpful if you can go the whole day just in the house, without seeing anyone, so it's just you and the clothes, and you don't have to think about other people's opinions of it. Maybe when you're comfortable with that you can transition to wearing them outside.

[Jayce]

Maybe its because we are usually more fussy with ourselves since we know all the information about us. We know all our flaws, the ways we move, our awkwardness etc.. Its the reason why a lot of people don't like their photos, the way they look in the mirror or feel really weird when looking at themselves being filmed. Yesterday I watched a couple of performances and one of my friends, who was a performer, was looking at the recording and pointing out all the awkwardness and mistakes, and I thought everything was really great. For example yesterday I thought to myself that the blazer I was wearing makes me look old, interestingly when I met another person, they said they loved my blazer, and when I told them I was 20 years old they said they thought I was much younger.

Be willing to experiment a bit, the clothes you wear aren't permanently glued to you, if something dosen't work, try something else the next day. Yesterday, the dance teachers at my studio gave advice to first time performers. Just go out there with a smile on your face, have fun, your mistakes won't be a big deal if you don't make them a big deal and most people probably wont even notice, your audience wants to like you. I would give similar advice for your situation, whatever you choose to wear you got to believe it will work. Even the most glamorous dress is going to look plainer if you're fussing over how uncomfortable it is. And the most plain t shirt can become more interesting if you're wearing it with a smile.

[Guest]

I'm not sure I can offer great advice, but have you tried walking around in your daily life in these clothes? Maybe part of the weirdness is the newness of it all?

All of what Wisp says is great here, but this is what helped me the most when I started wearing pieces of clothing outside my usual set.

I just decided to fuck the mirror and go out with them on. I realise that's not the best option for others, but if you haven't gone out in these outfits you don't feel are right for you, it might be worth trying. If only to observe reactions.

Personally, I received really good ones. But, all you need to aim for is neutrality. The whole 'turning heads' thing isn't worth actually aiming for when testing looks and clothes. You have to put on what you want and just wear it like you would anything else and observe how you feel, how others seem to react and take comments on them as they come.

To make this more clear, I went out in broad daylight in a traditional kilt. In Australia. In front of over 1000 people. It felt awkward and weird at first, but it felt great to wear what I wanted to wear. So it's worth simply trying to wear whatever clothes you have in mind in public if you can just to try it. Gauge reactions, gauge your own satisfaction and see how the two mingle.

[ChrissyOrig]

I just really want to get over these thoughts because the way I usually dress doesn’t work for attracting guys and I think I have to change something to become prettier but I can’t stop thinking I’m ugly and I only deserve plain clothes to not accentuate my ugliness.  Help ?

I had a similar situation. What helped me was working to make the "unusual" more of the "usual." So, as others have said, wearing the *pretty* clothes in ordinary situations (getting coffee, window shopping in a mall, going to a movie or play, etc.) helps to make it feel more "usual" or normal. At first, I would say, don't focus on reactions from other people, more just how you feel in the clothes. It's like how actors always want to get their costumes as early as possible, so they can get used to the "feel" of the character.

It's getting to know a new part of you. You're apparently very familiar with the "ugly" you, so now you can get to know the "pretty" you, or the "diva" you, or the "dramatic" you, or the "femme fatale" you, or wherever your pretty person takes you. Have fun with it--think of it as playing dress-up as a kid. Really the same thing. Good luck!

[StrangePanda]

Oh I'm so sorry for not replying for so long, this week is crazy busy, waaah I hate the end of semester!

Thanks to all of you, I appreciate your words. Especially when you said you had similiar feelings. I don't know if my friends are really different from me or if they just hide their insecurities better than I do but it feels weird speaking with them about this topic.
Anywayyy, thanks

Yes, I like the idea of a more gradual shift, I definitely don't have the courage of putting all nice things at once cause it feels so not me, like I start to look excessively often in the mirrors just to make sure everything is okay and I'm not weird. And if I catch someone looking at me, I'm like "they are secretly mocking me and judging me and def thinking I'm ridiculous".  You see I know there is a very very small possibility that this is what actually happens in people's head but it's like my brain refuses to believe in it.

But how to know if I really am looking bad in certain clothes or is it just my jerkbrain speaking? I mean I'm on the chubbier side and I'm sure some things look bad on me because of that but ummm how do I identify what looks bad on me? And I don't know I sometimes think I have virtually no sense of fashion or style or whatever.

It doesn't help that I feel like I have to wear more feminine clothes 'cause I'm here to attract men and people keep saying me I should dress girlier if I don't want to be invisible to men. Yes, I look at other girls and they're so pretty and cute and I wish I was more like them but at the same time I feel weird imagining myself in these clothes. Now I don't know if it's because of my jerkbrain telling me I don't deserve pretty clothes or because I'm less feminine. I know I'm complicated.

[Gentleman Johnny]

My first thought is that you're going for a style that's not comfortable to you. Trying to dress up and do something really wild and different can be really weird since it clashes with your image of yourself. Maybe instead, try to dress the way you usually do but better.

Example: I like boots. Like I've only owned one pair of sneakers in the last 10 years at least. So I've got some really spiffy brown leather ones for interviews, my normal day to day SWAT boots but I have one pair that are specifically my "spiffy bots" for when I want to look good. I've got a lot of t-shirts but a few of them are specifically my extra-cool but still low key ones. Same idea. Find the stuff that fits you well, flatters your figure, just overall looks good.

[readertorider]

But how to know if I really am looking bad in certain clothes or is it just my jerkbrain speaking? I mean I'm on the chubbier side and I'm sure some things look bad on me because of that but ummm how do I identify what looks bad on me? And I don't know I sometimes think I have virtually no sense of fashion or style or whatever.

I definitely have this problem! I've knit myself a few sweaters/shirts and there's a whole narrative in my head about how I just like thing because after X hours I'm going to like it no matter what and all my friends know I made it so no one's going to tell me if it looks terrible or if the sliding off the shoulder thing is indecent or anything really.

Some things that might help some:

• realizing how much you don't care about other people's clothes or how happy other people look in clothes you don't like at all
  
• spending forever when shopping to find one or two things you actually like and will wear and rotating them into your set of outfits when you want something different
  
• trying on various things in store--sometimes it definitely helps to know definitively what you don't like
  
• getting someone else whose taste you like to go shopping with you or buy you <clothing item> for gift giving occasion. When I wear clothing someone else gave me there's extra confidence because 1) I can think of them while wearing it and 2) I know at least one person out there who liked the clothing and me together.
  
• there are blogs and TV shows like 'What not to wear' if you want more specific advice with colors and body type and current fashion. Sometimes it's fun to watch/read not just for tips, but also to disagree and remind self that taste is subjective.
  
• wearing different <item> for <occasion> --theme parties, formal dress codes, trip to beach, whatever. If you like it you can wear it more often, if you don't like it, eh, you tried, you were a good sport, and people probably did appreciate you making the effort anyway. Also fun event is a cast iron excuse to wear fun clothing.
  
• feeling self-conscious in clothing item X can sometimes be offset by repeated exposure--if you really like something it might make sense to wear it a few times even if you don't feel quite right in it the first time
  
• also all my dresses have nicknames--"slug dress", "cardboard dress", "hooker dress" etc. don't know if that'll help or not, but maybe?
  

I hope this helped a bit--if you do find solutions (or know anything at all about make-up) please come back and let me know?

[StrangePanda]

My first thought is that you're going for a style that's not comfortable to you.

Maybe. I just feel like I'm supposed to dress girlier because I guess I look like "one of the guys" to most people I meet.

I hope this helped a bit--if you do find solutions (or know anything at all about make-up) please come back and let me know?

First of all, I'm terrible at make-up, I find it uncomfortable, especially for my eyes who get all puffy and irritated because of it But when I was feeling like learning I found that youtube has really good tutorials on how to get things done and you can find all the spectrum from really almost invisible basics to elaborated beautiful make-up.

getting someone else whose taste you like to go shopping with you or buy you <clothing item> for gift giving occasion. When I wear clothing someone else gave me there's extra confidence because 1) I can think of them while wearing it and 2) I know at least one person out there who liked the clothing and me together.

Well, I go shopping alone because almost all my friends are guys who are not interested in going female clothing shopping. I do have some girl friends but they are all much more feminine then me and when I shop with them I end up buying something I don't really like but felt like buying 'cause my girls are pretty and I would like to be like them but I'm not. Sorry if I don't make sense, I don't really know how to explain...

also all my dresses have nicknames--"slug dress", "cardboard dress", "hooker dress" etc. don't know if that'll help or not, but maybe?

omg I like this idea  

I also spend time looking for blogs who post things I would like to wear but can't find a lot that I like. For body sizes, it's a little bit tricky because I don't qualify for plus-size fashion but neither for average, I'm in between ?
I think I'm interested in more alternative fashion but I don't know if I have the courgage to wear it.

Thanks for you suggestions!  

[kath]

Reader, I love makeup, and will gab about it all day! I have used colorful eye makeup to give people a reason to be looking at me that I could control. I do agree, youtube tutorials rock. Then it depends what you want to get out of wearing the makeup to decide how you would approach starting. Panda, if it bothers your eyes (and you want to try wearing more of it, just saying nope is also a reasonable response), you might try one product at a time to see what was bothering you. Is it the ingredients? Is it an application method that irritates your eyes? Is it something that feels really weird on? There are many makeup lines that are hypoallergenic (and natural ones, though natural =/= hypoallergenic =/= non-irritating) that may help if it's allergies or skin sensitivities.

(My skin is in general pretty easily sensitized - I developed a sensitivity to baby oil and have switched to canola for my body - but makeup hasn't ever bothered me very much as far as causing skin reactions, weirdly)

Panda, I think maybe figuring out what the bad part of just doing what you're doing is would help you figure out how to address it. Is it mostly that you won't get to wear pieces you like? Or is there something else you want to avoid or change. Like, you mention right now you're "one of the guys" - what's bad about that? What are you looking to change about how people see you? There are some contexts where you probably can change how people see you by changing your clothes (like, dressing for the job you want at work). There are other times when it's how you think people see you that changes (like my eye makeup strategy), and other times where maybe if you dressed differently it would change people's assumptions about you, but if you're doing you their wrong assumptions are a them problem.

So, you don't need to dress girlier if looking like one of the guys is A-Ok with you. And also, you don't need to always dress the same way - there's no reason you can't dress like one of the guys most of the time, and then pull out skinny jeans with statement high heeled boots and a tshirt when you want to wear the boots. Or why you can't do dark wash jeans and a button-down with a bow tie (the smart outfit of choice for the dapper women I know) and then bring out your tulle tutu for a night on the town.

For finding things that look good on your body type ... I was going to suggest beaucoo, but they seem to be defunct? Finding a fashion blogger with a similar body style to yours is another option, if you can figure out some adjectives to describe your body type and don't mind a bit of googling.

For courage, I think the main thing is practice. I wear a lot of stuff that other people tell me they "couldn't pull off" and ... being able to "pull things off" is a lot about just being willing to listen to people tell you how different something is, smile back, and still love whatever it is you are wearing.

And if you love something, even if you don't think it's the best for you (or you think it's a bit outdated or maybe not in the best of taste ... like it's sparkly gold pants for a work day ... *sweatdrop*) just wearing it and being like "yeah, this is not going to be everyone's idea of a good idea, but *I* like it" ... that is sort of the whole battle for "pulling something off". Like, you wore it, it's clothes, that's pretty much the only requirement for "pulling it off" (except, pulling it off at the end of the day, of course!).

I also think it is 100% totally possible to go with a very masculine style that looks very put together and deliberate and awesome. I know several women who dress this way (both curvier and with more boyish body types) and they rock it. So if you want to have a style to own that isn't everyone else's idea of girly, that's something you can totally develop for yourself.

[StrangePanda]

Thank you, Kath, for you reply !

What I dislike of makeup, it is mostly its removal... No matter how gentle is my cleanser or how gently and slowly I clean, I still end up with red eyes and irritated skin around. Also when I have makeup on me I can somehow feel it, it's like there is something foreign on my skin and it's uncomfortable. Do I even make sense?  

Like, you mention right now you're "one of the guys" - what's bad about that? What are you looking to change about how people see you?

Well, you see, in my everyday life I'm mostly surrounded by men. I study in a male dominated  field and majority of my friends are guys. As far as I can remember I was never a feminine gal but now it is reinforced by my surroundings too. I'm not conventionally pretty (or pretty at all) so men never notice me as they notice pretty girls. I feel invisible to guys. When I hang out with my male acquaintances I see how they look at cute girls and I never see anyone looking at me like that. I often hear their conversations about girls and oh my, I compare myself to them and honestly I feel like a giant ugly bear.
I feel like people I meet don't even consider me as a girlfriend material (ugh I don't like this expression but don't know what else to call it). I would like to show that even if I'm not pretty I'm at least a girl and can be dateable. There are mostly 2 possibilities: I'm really ugly or I'm invisible to guys. Do you see what I'm trying to say? So I was thinking maybe dressing more girlier would make me more noticeable to guys. Also I heard that advice: put off your eternal t-shirt + jeans and put on something feminine if you want guys to notice you.  I don't know, I'm just running out of ideas of what to do. I guess I'm tired of being so invisible to men...

Sorry for this rant, Kath, I'm just feeling sad and unwanted

[kath]

Hey StrangePnda, thanks for your reply too! I do think you make complete sense, and I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. I'm not sure clothes are your main issue, though. Do you think you'd want to make a thread in Health and Wellbeing (which I think would be the best place for it) or Meeting People and Dating Advice instead? I think there it might get seen by more people who would have better advice for you, and I'll talk about why:

so men never notice me as they notice pretty girls. I feel invisible to guys.  I often hear their conversations about girls and oh my, I compare myself to them and honestly I feel like a giant ugly bear.
I feel like people I meet don't even consider me as a girlfriend material ... I would like to show that even if I'm not pretty I'm at least a girl and can be dateable ... So I was thinking maybe dressing more girlier would make me more noticeable to guys. Also I heard that advice: put off your eternal t-shirt + jeans and put on something feminine if you want guys to notice you.  I don't know, I'm just running out of ideas of what to do. I guess I'm tired of being so invisible to men...

So, I totally feel that this is sucking really hard for you, and I'm sorry. And even though this may sound ridiculous, lots of women who you might consider beautiful (or who are the women you hear your friends talking about) may also feel thwarted in dating and invisible to men, so ... you're in really good company with other women who feel like that often. And the fact that I have felt that way and I know lots of other women (with a wide variety of physical appearances) who have too, makes me think that dress is not the place to start. I think you could start dressing girlier - and maybe some guys would notice it, but you wouldn't notice them noticing and would still feel ignored. Or maybe they wouldn't notice it and you would have no idea what to do next. And also, there are lots of reasons men notice some women more than others that aren't wholly dependent on style of dress - I think there are ways of behaving that can also capture more attention. Unfortunately it's the same "confidence is sexy" advice that drives guys on this forum crazy too.

And, also unfortunately, while I think I dress in a manner that is both girly and unconventional enough that I can talk about pulling things off with credibility, I have not mastered looking confident and self-possessed (or feeling confident and self-possessed). I also think this is an area where everyone's jerk brain works steadfastly against them - so many totally amazingly cool people are insecure and think they look ridiculous, when the people around them just think they are owning.

So, would you be OK with it if I started a self confidence (and showing it) thread in the Health and Wellbeing subforum? I think you'd probably get more mileage out of that than out of dressing girlier, and it'll probably be easier to be more decisive about exactly how you want to dress girlier, if you still want to do that, when you're feeling better at having and showing self-confidence.

But as a starting place, to provide SOMETHING helpful, here's a TED Talk (which I hear at work all the time because it runs in one of our galleries!), and I want to start trying to adopt some of these ways of presenting myself! http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

What I dislike of makeup, it is mostly its removal... No matter how gentle is my cleanser or how gently and slowly I clean, I still end up with red eyes and irritated skin around. Also when I have makeup on me I can somehow feel it, it's like there is something foreign on my skin and it's uncomfortable. Do I even make sense?  

For eye makeup removal hurting your eyes, I would suggest trying oil (canola, coconut, olive, sunflower ... for example - something you'd eat, and something you aren't allergic to*) to get the makeup off, and then you can wash your face with whatever cleanser you like best / normally use. The canola oil should help you get stuff off your face, and would hopefully not bother your eyes on its own. Bits of half-removed makeup getting in your eyes will still hurt, of course. But the canola oil should get rid of most makeup pretty well.  

Ad it totally makes sense that you can feel the makeup on your skin and that it's uncomfortable - it is something foreign on your face, and it totally takes getting used to. I don't wear foundation very often because I find it feels really weird (and I actually think my face looks really weird when it's resolutely one colour, even if I then add blush and contour / bronze). I'm trying to use up a tubing mascara, and sometimes that I can actually feel throughout the day on my eyelashes (like, when I'm not touching them, just when they're on my face / touching eachother). I think if you like wearing makeup enough to keep at it, you will probably get used to how it feels as you go (and I'm sure if I started wearing foundation every day, I would get used to how it feels), but of course if it's not worth the adjustment period to you, no reason to do it.

*I have a lot of food allergies, especially to raw stuff, so I tend to worry more about putting food-ingredients on my skin than synthetics This blog suggest sunflower seed oil for makeup remover: http://www.naturallabeauty.com/2012/04/repurposing-products.html

[reboot]

Hey StrangePanda, you might want to check out this for some ideas of minimalist looks that work on bigger bodies.

I think (in addition to Kath's advice) you might not want to make the jump from dressing like one of the guys to girlie girl because it does not sound like you really like that look. It sounds like you would pick that style because men might notice. But, you know what? Men also notice women who go for elegant or goth or preppie or hipster looks or hippie or pretty much anything else you can think of, so girly girl is not the only option. There are plenty of ways to look sexy and feminine, you just need to find the ones that suit you

[StrangePanda]

Kath, you're really awesome and thanks for your advice, you're sweet
I spent the last two days thinking about this topic. I do realize my biggest issue is not clothes but the overall image I project. I always was "that fat and ugly girl" and never learnt how to be appealing to guys. As I said, I never was a feminine girl and never had a girl friend who was like me. Strange enough, my female friends are all girly, and seeing their success with love I thought maybe that's my problem, maybe if I started looking like them someone would be interested in me too ? I know that's totally ridiculous but I'm desperate and changing clothes is easier than really looking into myself and asking what in my behavior might drive people away.
I would like to make a thread about confidence because "confidence is sexy" may sound cheesy but being an insecure mess certainly do not attract people. Maybe the reason I'm invisible to men comes from me not liking myself and not taking risks because I feel like I already failed... Or I really am ugly and unloveable, who knows.

Reboot, I like the link you posted and I like minimalist clothes but in dark colors, especially black and grey.
I sort of have this weird idea that to be more attracting to men I have to be more conventionally feminine or fit or pretty, it's like it's not enough what I look like right now and I have to change something. I'm sad when guys choose other girls and never me and these girls are usually feminine, less tall, more thin and wear make-up. I think I have to see more girls with unconventional looks who found boyfriends to believe I can find someone too.

[reboot]

You can be super sexy in black and gray. Those colors convey a sort of dark elegance or a harder edge (depending on how you style it). If you want to PM me a picture, I could consult my fashionista SIL for tips. She would be cool with it since I do it all the time.

As for not conventionally attractive women in relationships, PAHLEEZ, go to the grocery store, Walmart or HomeDepot on a Saturday morning and you see every type of person you can imagine in a couple. Romance is not the preserve of the conventionally attractive.

[jcorozza]

Well, you see, in my everyday life I'm mostly surrounded by men. I study in a male dominated  field and majority of my friends are guys. As far as I can remember I was never a feminine gal but now it is reinforced by my surroundings too. I'm not conventionally pretty (or pretty at all) so men never notice me as they notice pretty girls. I feel invisible to guys. When I hang out with my male acquaintances I see how they look at cute girls and I never see anyone looking at me like that. I often hear their conversations about girls and oh my, I compare myself to them and honestly I feel like a giant ugly bear.
I feel like people I meet don't even consider me as a girlfriend material (ugh I don't like this expression but don't know what else to call it). I would like to show that even if I'm not pretty I'm at least a girl and can be dateable. There are mostly 2 possibilities: I'm really ugly or I'm invisible to guys. Do you see what I'm trying to say? So I was thinking maybe dressing more girlier would make me more noticeable to guys. Also I heard that advice: put off your eternal t-shirt + jeans and put on something feminine if you want guys to notice you.  I don't know, I'm just running out of ideas of what to do. I guess I'm tired of being so invisible to men...

Sorry for this rant, Kath, I'm just feeling sad and unwanted

Oh man, I can empathize a lot with this. I'm also in between the regular and plus sizes - makes my size difficult to shop for, because I usually need the XL in the regular sizes, which are hard to find, or the smallest of the plus, which are also hard to find. For the first 20 years of my life (and sometimes, still), I felt like guys did not notice my existence (or, they saw me as a buddy, which was sort of nice, but not all the time). I wore a lot of jeans and t-shirts.

There's good news - there are ways to do jeans and almost t-shirts that are more flattering (and emphasize that you're a female-type person without announcing "hello, I'm uber-feminine!"), but still comfortable! For one, the type of jeans makes a buttload of difference. Dark wash, all the way. It's more flattering, but it also looks neater and more put together. Also, a few good pairs of wide leg/trouser-style jeans are really great, though you may have to look in quite a few places for them. The shape is really flattering if you've got wider hips, since it gives some balance by widening the lower part of your leg. And while they can look nice with a cute pair of heels, I'll also wear them with my converse - that often makes me feel like the look is more my style, and is a little more casual.

As for shirts, there are also ways to do things that are almost t-shirts, and are just as comfy if you get the right size/fabric. Here's an example:

http://www.kohls.com/product/prd-2116001/soprano-twist-front-empire-top-juniors-plus.jsp

Still a nice comfy knit fabric, but the defined waist really makes a difference. It emphasizes the narrow waist (and I by no means have a narrow waist), and allows a little room towards the stomach/hips, which is a problem area for many women, so it camouflages it a bit. But you can still do it in dark/neutral colors that you feel comfortable with. And if you want to spice it up a little, add is some fun, funky jewelry - I'll usually wear my time-turner, or this pocketwatch/steampunk necklace I made, or one I got on etsy that glows in the dark - that way I still feel like I'm choosing something that's true to me, too.

Oh, and layers are your friend. If you can find a few cardigans/lighter weight things to wear on top, especially ones that have an obvious waist, they're really flattering and comfy and make it look like you worked hard to put a look together, even if you really didn't.

But there are definitely ways to do casual and slightly feminine with out being in your face girly, and still keeping yourself in it.

[reboot]

Shawls are fun, easy and size neutral ways to add a feminine layered look

http://m.instructables.com/id/8-ways-to-wear-your-favourite-shawlscarf/
http://www.gurl.com/2014/12/20/style-tips-on-how-to-wear-tie-blanket-scarf-outfit-ideas/

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