Defining "The Spark"

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Defining "The Spark" Empty Defining "The Spark"

Post by PlasticFruit on Tue Mar 31, 2015 1:51 pm

I was chatting to a friend the other day and we started discussing the spark. Now I know some people will talk about how the spark is completely physical, but for my friend and myself it is definitely mental. We talked about how we have the friend equivalent. When we first met we very quickly were comfortable around each other, felt like the other person was challenging but not bullying our ideas and we laughed loads. Recently went on a date with no spark. He was good looking, nice, has a good job, mortgage but the conversation was just pleasant. No fizz.

How do you define the spark? Interested to see for how many people it is physical versus other factors.

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Post by Autumnflame on Tue Mar 31, 2015 4:18 pm

It's both for me, really. There has to be a physical spark as well as a mental/emotional one. Usually the physical and emotional spark are enough for me to become romantically interested in someone, but the addition of the mental one takes it to another level. (Come to think - I'm trying to remember if I've ever been with someone who clearly pinged both mental and emotional, or if it just sort of melds together into a fuzzy whole.) If it's just a mentemotional (ementional?) one, but no physical one, that's the sign of a person I'd love to be friends with but wouldn't be interested in anything else. If it's just physical, I get bored quickly, sometimes even before a ONS can happen.
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Post by eselle28 on Tue Mar 31, 2015 4:44 pm

In some discussions about asexuality, I've seen discussion of romantic, sexual, and then also a sort of platonic attraction that manifests more in a desire for a deep friendship rather than anything related to sex or dating. I've felt the latter pretty strongly on its own a few times, with other women and once with a man who was already married and who didn't really click with me as a potential romantic partner even aside from that.

If we're talking about dating, though, I think my personal reaction is about about half emotional and half sexual/romantic (which I'm grouping together because I haven't done much exploration of where the borders between sexual and romantic feelings are for me). If I feel one but not the other, there might be a fling or a friendship in the works, but probably not a romantic relationship.
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Post by Gman on Tue Mar 31, 2015 4:48 pm

I also believe it to be a combination of both! Purely physical and it's just an average crush (which doesn't mean much and I usually get over it quickly). Purely emotional, then it's a new friend. But to me - it HAS to be both!
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Post by Enail on Tue Mar 31, 2015 9:34 pm

I agree that there's such thing as a friend-spark.

For romantic/sexual spark, I have two levels,  and both have a component other than purely physical. There's the spark that's the difference someone who is abstractly attractive, and someone whose appearance is attractive to me and whose expressions or way of moving or something has a personality animating it, a hint of the person beyond their features, that pings me as attractive.  

And then there's the spark that's more...chemistry, it's about how we interact with each other and amplify each other's enthusiasm that creates an excitement and sense of connection. This can be platonic. And if I find them physically attractive as well, it may produce a romantic spark, but only a small percentage of people I'm both attracted to and have platonic spark with would produce a romantic spark. I can't quite pin down the component that makes the difference to cause romantic spark for me.

I'm not sure if this at all clear, so maybe a sense of how it works in action would be clearer - if I were single, the first level of spark would be a requirement for me to consider having sex with someone, and the second for me to consider dating someone.
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