Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Page 1 of 6 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next

Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Tue Mar 31, 2015 12:12 pm

eselle28 wrote:No, I don't think that stopping for a moment to think about an interaction from the woman's point of view and remembering that potential date locations exist on a spectrum ranging from "holy shit, no, don't hit on that person" to "yeah, go for it, that personal almost certainly wants to talk to you" have to lead to either never asking anyone out or ignoring boundaries and desires.

Then how is anyone supposed to get anywhere? scratch

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Tue Mar 31, 2015 12:54 pm

eselle28 wrote:
Well, if you want to cold approach women, avoid the places most likely to be "holy shit, no, don't hit on that person" zones, back off quickly if the answer appears to be no, and understand that even if you're polite and in some sort of medium zone you will sometimes hit on a woman who really could have done without interacting with you today. Alternately, if all this just seems too difficult and vague, stick to warm approaches, online and speed dating, and waiting for women to approach you. The answer that aren't okay are going around pushing boundaries or going around making reasonable approaches but complaining that women don't make it easier for you to cold approach or enjoy it more when you do.

I use a little something called "common sense" to ID those zones. I've found that most places I've been too are "Don't hit on that" zones. I'm aware and conscious of women's struggles, I don't know what they're goin through, so I don't bother with cold approaching (even though OTG suggested I do it since I dont cold approach at all and because I'm afraid of it) so I don't come off AS as a bother. I've done all the things you suggested and... I got nothin' to show for it. I also don't think waiting for women to approach will work for me, maybe I dont go out enough, but I dont know where to go. And when I do go out everyone is already paired up.

scratch

eselle28 wrote:
But I do feel it's kind of unfortunate that the conversation immediately went down this path. I think the whole point of this article was that there's a whole lot more to life than men's complaint of, "Well, where do I meet women then?" that never gets discussed because women's desire to wake up, grab some coffee, and take the bus to work isn't given a lot of social value as compared to men's desires.

That's kind of another reason why I don't approach. You're just getting a coffee and a sweet, the last thing you need is me making a butthead of myself and I dont want to upset you either.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by eselle28 on Tue Mar 31, 2015 12:58 pm

The Mikey wrote:
eselle28 wrote:
Well, if you want to cold approach women, avoid the places most likely to be "holy shit, no, don't hit on that person" zones, back off quickly if the answer appears to be no, and understand that even if you're polite and in some sort of medium zone you will sometimes hit on a woman who really could have done without interacting with you today. Alternately, if all this just seems too difficult and vague, stick to warm approaches, online and speed dating, and waiting for women to approach you. The answer that aren't okay are going around pushing boundaries or going around making reasonable approaches but complaining that women don't make it easier for you to cold approach or enjoy it more when you do.

I use a little something called "common sense" to ID those zones. I've found that most places I've been too are "Don't hit on that" zones. I'm aware and conscious of women's struggles, I don't know what they're goin through, so I don't bother with cold approaching (even though OTG suggested I do it since I dont cold approach at all and because I'm afraid of it) so I don't come off AS as a bother. I've done all the things you suggested and... I got nothin' to show for it. I also don't think waiting for women to approach will work for me, maybe I dont go out enough, but I dont know where to go. And when I do go out everyone is already paired up.

scratch

Mikey, I think the whole point of this line of thinking is that, yeah, it doesn't guarantee that you'll find sex or love. To be fair, unethical behavior doesn't guarantee that you'll find sex or love, either. The idea is that there is more to social discussions of how people should behave in public and how other people should feel about that behavior than what dating strategies are most effective for men. It's quite possible that an ethical sweet spot that leads to the most happiness or at least the least misery will involve some men not finding girlfriends.
eselle28
eselle28
General Oversight Moderator

Posts : 1994
Reputation : 999
Join date : 2014-09-24

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Tue Mar 31, 2015 1:08 pm

eselle28 wrote:
Mikey, I think the whole point of this line of thinking is that, yeah, it doesn't guarantee that you'll find sex or love. To be fair, unethical behavior doesn't guarantee that you'll find sex or love, either. The idea is that there is more to social discussions of how people should behave in public and how other people should feel about that behavior than what dating strategies are most effective for men. It's quite possible that an ethical sweet spot that leads to the most happiness or at least the least misery will involve some men not finding girlfriends.

I understand that as a man I have to play nice, I get that. I know women aren't there for me to oogle at, though I've done my fair share of oogling. -ahem- I get that, I totally do.

So does this mean my romantic life is dead and done with before it even began? If so, that's a shitty way of starting my Tuesday. D:

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Tue Mar 31, 2015 1:56 pm

Enail wrote:
(and as a side note, I have to say, I find the frequent worry about the idea that if cold approaching may be unwanted, that means that there's no way men can date, rather bizarre. Cold approaches are not a major part of most peoples' dating life!)

No, cold approaching is not the only option, buuuut, if these Dudes are like me, they may have already tried everything short of cold approaching. This includes a lack of women approaching us (women never approach me) and if cold approaching terrifies us, well, that's not exactly a good sign for us. Razz

eselle28 wrote:
It doesn't mean your romantic life is dead and done with. It doesn't mean your romantic life is promising and bound to work itself out. It means that discussions about ethics aren't just about your romantic life.

I figured *that* out,  but what I'm also tryna to figure out is what else is there to do? Especially when I'm told that most women don't wanna be bothered by my attempts to speak to them friendly or otherwise. So I'm just confused. scratch


Last edited by The Mikey on Tue Mar 31, 2015 2:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by jcorozza on Tue Mar 31, 2015 6:11 pm

The Mikey wrote: No, cold approaching is not the only option, buuuut, if these Dudes are like me, they may have already tried everything short of cold approaching. This includes a lack of women approaching us (women never approach me) and if cold approaching terrifies us, well, that's not exactly a good sign for us. Razz


I figured *that* out,  but what I'm also tryna to figure out is what else is there to do? Especially when I'm told that most women don't wanna be bothered by my attempts to speak to them friendly or otherwise. So I'm just confused. scratch

I don't understand why this is a specifically male problem that always come up.  Women can only meet men in the same spaces that men can meet women, except that many of us don't approach because of past bad experiences/gender roles/etc., so that means not only are those our only options, but we're also stuck waiting for people to approach us.  

I'm 28.  You know how many guys have approached me IRL?  One.  I've still been in three relationships, and been on a fair amount of dates.  And I'm definitely not conventionally attractive (trust me, enough kids I went to school with - male and female - felt the need to remind me often that I was the fat girl).  But I've found what works for me - mostly, my social circles and online dating.  People have been in relationships for millions of years, and that was before the internet, and before singles bars or clubs.  

No one said that women don't want to be bothered by your attempts to speak to them ever, just not in certain places/situations.  Women also shouldn't approach men in those places.  But the world is filled with social spaces - meetups, parties, classes, dog parks (I'm pretty sure you have a dog...there are some women who love a man who's nice to his dog), community events, singles events, bars, meeting people through friends, book readings/signings, RPG groups, LARPing communities, volunteer work...  (Right now, most of my social circle consists of friends from high school, people from my boardgame meetup, writers, and my ex and his friends - there are opportunities to meet people all over the place - but you tend to do better when you don't approach everything as "ways to meet women", but things you're actually interested in, and new and interesting people.
jcorozza
jcorozza

Posts : 460
Reputation : 191
Join date : 2015-03-08

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 01, 2015 2:42 am

jcorozza wrote:
I don't understand why this is a specifically male problem that always come up.  Women can only meet men in the same spaces that men can meet women, except that many of us don't approach because of past bad experiences/gender roles/etc., so that means not only are those our only options, but we're also stuck waiting for people to approach us.

I never said it was specifically a male problem. I didn't mean for it to come off that way either. It's a problem *I* have, but not everyone does. So, with that said, I offer my deepest apologies for being a silly head.  

jcorozza wrote:
I'm 28.  You know how many guys have approached me IRL?  One.  I've still been in three relationships, and been on a fair amount of dates.  And I'm definitely not conventionally attractive (trust me, enough kids I went to school with - male and female - felt the need to remind me often that I was the fat girl).  But I've found what works for me - mostly, my social circles and online dating.  People have been in relationships for millions of years, and that was before the internet, and before singles bars or clubs.  

I guess I wasn't clear enough when I said in the OLD thread that I've tried going with my social circles and OLD. Both of which were absolutely miserable experiences that in one instance left me drinking almost an entire bottle of Jack. Almost because it was half empty when I started. San Diego I don't think is a very singles friendly place.

jcorozza wrote:
No one said that women don't want to be bothered by your attempts to speak to them ever, just not in certain places/situations.  Women also shouldn't approach men in those places.  But the world is filled with social spaces - meetups, parties, classes, dog parks (I'm pretty sure you have a dog...there are some women who love a man who's nice to his dog), community events, singles events, bars, meeting people through friends, book readings/signings, RPG groups, LARPing communities, volunteer work...  (Right now, most of my social circle consists of friends from high school, people from my boardgame meetup, writers, and my ex and his friends - there are opportunities to meet people all over the place - but you tend to do better when you don't approach everything as "ways to meet women", but things you're actually interested in, and new and interesting people.

Usually I unfortunately will read that as never. I say never because I always find someone buried in their noooot headphones. Not gonna bother them, obviously, but then I see a bunch of girls at my college with headphones and books. I thought that was a sign saying "Go away.

Except for LARPing and singles events (which I've never seen advertised anywhere), I've done all those things! I've volunteered like crazy, I'm IN college, and I've take my dog to many places. And my dog, a golden retriever mind you, has only attracted middle-aged women with husbands. Shrug I'm tired & sleepy and I hope I hit all my bases. Again, I'm sorry if I took this Thread in another direction, yeah I get the idea behind being respectful and what not.

I'm just struggling, I'm struggling very badly that I've been pretty depressed reading and replying to this thread and the OLD thread. Again, because I am inept with OLD and at attracting women I guess. I don't know, it just depresses me that I can't date younger or older. :/

Again, sorry. \

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by kath on Wed Apr 01, 2015 3:27 am

Sorry you're having a hard time, Mikey. It's totally understandable - it's a hard thing, and it feels so important, and I'm sorry this is depressing you.

One of the things that is so hard is that part of what makes dating possible is being able to deal with these grey areas, with being frustrated and not having anything be guaranteed to work, and with having to risk making people mad. That sucks. It's something we have to do in any interaction with others, but romantic interactions can take on much more import so that tension feels more insurmountable.
kath
kath

Posts : 352
Reputation : 159
Join date : 2014-10-01

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by jcorozza on Wed Apr 01, 2015 4:04 am

The Mikey wrote:
I never said it was specifically a male problem. I didn't mean for it to come off that way either. It's a problem *I* have, but not everyone does. So, with that said, I offer my deepest apologies for being a silly head.  

I know you didn't specify it was a male problem, but it seems like the only people who ever make this complaint are straight men (both in this thread, and any time this topic comes up).

The Mikey wrote: I guess I wasn't clear enough when I said in the OLD thread that I've tried going with my social circles and OLD. Both of which were absolutely miserable experiences that in one instance left me drinking almost an entire bottle of Jack. Almost because it was half empty when I started. San Diego I don't think is a very singles friendly place.

No, I realize that, but I was trying to say that there are options that are going to be better for some people, and options that will never work for some people. But especially, there are options. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out what options work best for you. I don't really know San Diego, other than that the have an awesome zoo and some pretty swell weather, but it's possible that it's just not a great place to date, or not a place that has a lot of women who are compatible with you.


The Mikey wrote: Usually I unfortunately will read that as never. I say never because I always find someone buried in their noooot headphones. Not gonna bother them, obviously, but then I see a bunch of girls at my college with headphones and books. I thought that was a sign saying "Go away.

And in those situations, yeah, the people wearing headphones aren't great targets. But are all women you meet wearing headphones? There must be other times when you run into humans who are not reading or listening to music.

The Mikey wrote: Except for LARPing and singles events (which I've never seen advertised anywhere), I've done all those things! I've volunteered like crazy, I'm IN college, and I've take my dog to many places. And my dog, a golden retriever mind you, has only attracted middle-aged women with husbands. Shrug I'm tired & sleepy and I hope I hit all my bases. Again, I'm sorry if I took this Thread in another direction, yeah I get the idea behind being respectful and what not.

I'm just struggling, I'm struggling very badly that I've been pretty depressed reading and replying to this thread and the OLD thread. Again, because I am inept with OLD and at attracting women I guess. I don't know, it just depresses me that I can't date younger or older. :/


Oh, you're definitely not the one who took this thread in that direction - honestly, I engaged with you here mostly because of the OLD thread. I am curious though - and forgive me if you've already answered this - have you done the OLD thing long term, or usually just for short bursts? And have you only used OKC?

I understand why younger is going to be a tough option, but why can't you date older? I mean, I can see why 30 might be too old, but 25, 26?

I am noticing a bit of an "all or nothing" way of thinking about things - like that because you didn't have much success with one dating site (possibly briefly) that you're therefore inept at all online dating and attracting women. But you're definitely not alone in struggling with OLD - it's something that a lot of people take awhile to get good at, and that some will just never have the knack for (like those people who can't be bothered to read profiles - a guy once messaged me, and when I asked if he'd even read my profile - he clearly hadn't - he said he was "too busy for that stuff". I told him to join tinder. But I'm mean like that). But if you find that using OLD sites makes you depressed, then yeah, don't use them. That won't be good for your mental health, and won't help you to attract partners, either.

What kinds of placed do you volunteer at?
jcorozza
jcorozza

Posts : 460
Reputation : 191
Join date : 2015-03-08

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 01, 2015 12:11 pm

jcorozza wrote:
I know you didn't specify it was a male problem, but it seems like the only people who ever make this complaint are straight men (both in this thread, and any time this topic comes up).  

Fair enough. I think I have reasons why, but we'd be sitting here all day talking in circles. Razz


jcorozza wrote:
No, I realize that, but I was trying to say that there are options that are going to be better for some people, and options that will never work for some people. But especially, there are options. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out what options work best for you.  I don't really know San Diego, other than that the have an awesome zoo and some pretty swell weather, but it's possible that it's just not a great place to date, or not a place that has a lot of women who are compatible with you.

Yes, I love the zoo here and it's been super sunny, warm and bright the last few days. I love this town, I been here my whole life, I don't wanna leave. :3 But dating here seems a little off or I'm just too stupid and I can't figure out what to say to anyone ever or I simply *don't* know what to do. Or maybe I need to fudge my warm approach but I can't figure that out because if I come on too early they'll think I'm a dick to hits on everyone they meet.  But if I come on too late, oh I'm just a friend or they're seeing "someone" or some other excuse. Okay, that's fine I have my beer and pizza rolls...

jcorozza wrote:
And in those situations, yeah, the people wearing headphones aren't great targets.  But are all women you meet wearing headphones?  There must be other times when you run into humans who are not reading or listening to music.

Oh, sure I do!  But they're in a group, with another person and/or with their families. Grin Or if they're walking around not reading or headphoning, they're powerwalking to somewhere. Where that is I really don't know, so I obviously don't ask questions like "hay huurr durr where you goin?"

jcorozza wrote:
Oh, you're definitely not the one who took this thread in that direction - honestly, I engaged with you here mostly because of the OLD thread.  I am curious though - and forgive me if you've already answered this - have you done the OLD thing long term, or usually just for short bursts?  And have you only used OKC?

I've been off and on with OLD for a year and now four months very little to show for it. I'd go at it for about a few months at a time but then see zero results and kinda just disable my profile since I never got any responses. I got only ONE person to respond but her match percentage was at 64% I think, that's a D-Rating. It made me sad because she was really cute, she looked almost like Lauren Cohan from Walking Dead. Razz And to answer your other question, I've used Tinder too. Which is garbage.

I've not used any other site because I'm sure it'll be the same story there as on OKC. :/

jcorozza wrote:
I understand why younger is going to be a tough option, but why can't you date older?  I mean, I can see why 30 might be too old, but 25, 26?  

When I say younger I mean about my age,21 to 22. Otherwise, i have no problem with dating 25 to 26 at all. :3 Older women kinda turn me on! But these women are mostly looking for something else from what I've seen on OKC, not me. Neutral

jcorozza wrote:
I am noticing a bit of an "all or nothing" way of thinking about things - like that because you didn't have much success with one dating site (possibly briefly) that you're therefore inept at all online dating and attracting women.

Another member, OneTrueGuest, once told me the same thing. Good catch, because yeah I do indeed think that way a lot of times. But I mean I've been trying to attract ladies since before I started doing the whole online dating thing and also failing miserably since before that too. I thought at the very least I'd have SOME or at least better success online, which I very much found to be untrue. So if I suck in meatspace, then I guess it translates online as well. Shrug

jcorozza wrote:
But you're definitely not alone in struggling with OLD - it's something that a lot of people take awhile to get good at, and that some will just never have the knack for  (like those people who can't be bothered to read profiles - a guy once messaged me, and when I asked if he'd even read my profile - he clearly hadn't - he said he was "too busy for that stuff".  I told him to join tinder.  But I'm mean like that).  But if you find that using OLD sites makes you depressed, then yeah, don't use them.  That won't be good for your mental health, and won't help you to attract partners, either.

I suppose; I'll take your word for it in that some will never have a knack for it. I surely don't think I will. And yes, OLD just makes me feel like shit. I'll send messages and never get a response or I'll get disabled profiles. Oh, okay then. Neutral
 
jcorozza wrote:
What kinds of placed do you volunteer at?
I haven't volunteered anywhere in awhile, but I volunteered for a small gaming convention back in 2012 and I've volunteered for San Diego Comic-Con International. In addition to those, I've volunteered at my church going to Haiti to film a short documentary of that trip and volunteering with homeless people. I've volunteered helping my professor run audio events and junk including his haunted house at his house. Shrug

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 01, 2015 12:30 pm

kath wrote:Sorry you're having a hard time, Mikey. It's totally understandable - it's a hard thing, and it feels so important, and I'm sorry this is depressing you.

One of the things that is so hard is that part of what makes dating possible is being able to deal with these grey areas, with being frustrated and not having anything be guaranteed to work, and with having to risk making people mad. That sucks. It's something we have to do in any interaction with others, but romantic interactions can take on much more import so that tension feels more insurmountable.

It's okay, Kath. Thank you. :'3 I'll be fine, dating in general brings me down but I keep a lid on it as best as I can. D:

The grey areas are just that, grey and murky and I can't see. So I'll take a gamble, sure, if I'm feeling risky. But then again I don't want to waste my time with someone unless I know it's for sure. Because the time I waste pursuing someone that didn't like me I coulda spent pursuing someone who does like me (but turns out she doesn't). I can deal with what you're talking about, I can deal with all of that, but I can't deal with losing people I genuinely care for. I can't deal with the fear of being alone, I can't deal with still being single at age 63 like my audio teacher (though, he was married three times...)

I dunnou, non-romantic interactions, I have no problems with at all. But it falls apart when I speak to someone I kinda like sometimes. :/ Though, I've gotten better at that. ;D

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by KMR on Wed Apr 01, 2015 1:42 pm

The Mikey wrote: I've been off and on with OLD for a year and now four months very little to show for it. I'd go at it for about a few months at a time but then see zero results and kinda just disable my profile since I never got any responses. I got only ONE person to respond but her match percentage was at 64% I think, that's a D-Rating. It made me sad because she was really cute, she looked almost like Lauren Cohan from Walking Dead. Razz And to answer your other question, I've used Tinder too. Which is garbage.

If I remember correctly, you used to say that you struggled in OLD with getting up the courage to send out messages to the women you were interested in. From your more recent posts, it sounds like you've gotten a lot better at making more of those initial approaches, and I just want to applaud you for that. Being able to push past your fears and take risks like this is no small accomplishment, so be proud of what you have achieved here, even if your time with OLD has not yielded the results you want.

And I'm sorry that you have not had much luck with OLD so far. I can absolutely sympathize with the frustration of not getting replies. I've met and dated a number of men through OLD who have had similar complaints about how infrequently OLD has otherwise worked out for them. A lot of people pitch OLD as if it's some sort of panacea for everyone's dating struggles (and I admit that I can come off this way sometimes as well), but the truth is that it's merely a different context for meeting people with its own unique set of advantages and disadvantages, social rules, and challenges. Some will find themselves more suited to this environment and thrive (such as myself), others will do equally as well or poorly as they do meeting people IRL, and some will find themselves disadvantaged in OLD compared to IRL.* I would think about whether some of the potential advantages of OLD may actually benefit you and if they may be worth the disadvantages that come with it. If so, then you may want to continue using OLD as a supplement (but not to the exclusion of) other forms of approaches and continue to work on improving some of those skills that are beneficial for OLD in the hopes of having some more success there.

Whether you choose to continue using OLD or abandon it to focus more on other methods of meeting people, I am rooting for you.


*I can break down further what some of those advantages/disadvantages are and how one may benefit or struggle with them, but that may be a bit of a digression here and much of it has already been touched on in one way or another across the many topics on this board and the main site, so I may just end up repeating things you've already heard. If you're interested, however, let me know.
KMR
KMR

Posts : 226
Reputation : 207
Join date : 2014-10-01

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 01, 2015 5:02 pm

KMR wrote:
If I remember correctly, you used to say that you struggled in OLD with getting up the courage to send out messages to the women you were interested in. From your more recent posts, it sounds like you've gotten a lot better at making more of those initial approaches, and I just want to applaud you for that. Being able to push past your fears and take risks like this is no small accomplishment, so be proud of what you have achieved here, even if your time with OLD has not yielded the results you want.

Yes, I did have plenty of trouble. I wasn't 100% able to until I got buzzed off a few beers and sent some messages. I didn't get a response, instead I got a disabled/deleted profile which REEEEEALLY sunk my spirit more than it was.

KMR wrote:
And I'm sorry that you have not had much luck with OLD so far. I can absolutely sympathize with the frustration of not getting replies. I've met and dated a number of men through OLD who have had similar complaints about how infrequently OLD has otherwise worked out for them. A lot of people pitch OLD as if it's some sort of panacea for everyone's dating struggles (and I admit that I can come off this way sometimes as well), but the truth is that it's merely a different context for meeting people with its own unique set of advantages and disadvantages, social rules, and challenges. Some will find themselves more suited to this environment and thrive (such as myself), others will do equally as well or poorly as they do meeting people IRL, and some will find themselves disadvantaged in OLD compared to IRL.* I would think about whether some of the potential advantages of OLD may actually benefit you and if they may be worth the disadvantages that come with it. If so, then you may want to continue using OLD as a supplement (but not to the exclusion of) other forms of approaches and continue to work on improving some of those skills that are beneficial for OLD in the hopes of having some more success there.

I haven't been able to figure out those social rules quite yet. Although I don't understand why they would be any different, I would think so long as I'm not being a skeezeball or a dick, or a jerk or whatever I should be okay, at the least. But nah, I guess thats not how it works, is it? Razz And yeah, I've been struggling a lot with OLD and just dating in general. So I haven't the slightest clue as to how I could even improve more than what I had. The advantages I see so far are that I don't have to worry about being face to face with some of the girls I'm messaging. The downside to that though is, they can just blow me off. Razz Soo, uhhh, I'm at a crossroads there.

To be fair, I don't even know what skills are the ones to be beneficial to go towards OLD. Razz I just thought not being a nasty asshole and actually being a person were good enough. Shrug

KMR wrote:
Whether you choose to continue using OLD or abandon it to focus more on other methods of meeting people, I am rooting for you.


*I can break down further what some of those advantages/disadvantages are and how one may benefit or struggle with them, but that may be a bit of a digression here and much of it has already been touched on in one way or another across the many topics on this board and the main site, so I may just end up repeating things you've already heard. If you're interested, however, let me know.

Hehe, thanks. And yeah, I'm totally interested in hearing those pros and cons. :3

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by jcorozza on Wed Apr 01, 2015 6:28 pm

The Mikey wrote:

Yes, I did have plenty of trouble. I wasn't 100% able to until I got buzzed off a few beers and sent some messages. I didn't get a response, instead I got a disabled/deleted profile which REEEEEALLY sunk my spirit more than it was.

Wait, so how often did you send messages/how many? Which way are you searching? Some ways or more likely to get you users who haven't been on in over a week, so you might be able to search differently. Do you set search parameters?

The Mikey wrote:
I haven't been able to figure out those social rules quite yet. Although I don't understand why they would be any different, I would think so long as I'm not being a skeezeball or a dick, or a jerk or whatever I should be okay, at the least. But nah, I guess thats not how it works, is it? Razz And yeah, I've been struggling a lot with OLD and just dating in general. So I haven't the slightest clue as to how I could even improve more than what I had. The advantages I see so far are that I don't have to worry about being face to face with some of the girls I'm messaging. The downside to that though is, they can just blow me off. Razz Soo, uhhh, I'm at a crossroads there.

To be fair, I don't even know what skills are the ones to be beneficial to go towards OLD. Razz I just thought not being a nasty asshole and actually being a person were good enough. Shrug

Well, in real life, women usually can't ignore you, whereas they can online. Also, they're not being approached by as many men IRL either. So the interactions will be different. While not being a jerk or a skeezeball will keep you from being featured on The Ladies of OKC, it doesn't mean responses. Just like in real life, you still have to be interesting, and seem interested in what she'll say back. People want to date more than just "a person". They want to date someone who has a personality, who makes them smile, or laugh.

Now, you've mentioned being in college- do you live on campus? Do you do any on-campus activities (When I was 25, I was dating a 23 year old, so some of us don't mind).

This is only somewhat related, but it's something that I thought may be skewing your results. I think in your profile it mentions that you went to a 2 year college (was that before, and now you're in a university to finish a BA/BS? It's possible that this is a dealbreaker for some, not all nerdy ladies - not the "finishing college" part, the "no four year degree" part. And since, if I recall, you're a bit on the fence about your career options, some older women might see that combination and think, "well, what is planning on doing jobwise, and will I have to support him?" I think so mare clarification in this area in your profile could help - it's okay to not be certain what you want to do, especially at your age, but many women will want to see that you're ambitious and have goals of some sort.

jcorozza
jcorozza

Posts : 460
Reputation : 191
Join date : 2015-03-08

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 01, 2015 8:15 pm

jcorozza wrote:
Wait, so how often did you send messages/how many?  Which way are you searching?  Some ways or more likely to get you users who haven't been on in over a week, so you might be able to search differently.  Do you set search parameters?

When I started? Not many, the lowest number of messages I sent then was none. Nowadays, I'll send at least one or two depending on who I see that I fancy. Another problem I run into though is, the more search filters I put in, the less I results I yield back. For instance just by turning off "long/short-term dating" and "friendship", I'll leave "casual sex" and the numbers plummet to zero. Or I'll leave all those options on and in the keyword filter I'll type in "nerd" or "geek" and also, I get zero match results. I'll type in "redhead" and also, zero results while I have every option turned on. Shrug I also set the match results to "Best Match" as opposed to "special blend" because that puts super low % matches up at the front and I think "Dude, no, staahp, i dun wanna see those."

jcorozza wrote:
Well, in real life, women usually can't ignore you, whereas they can online.  Also, they're not being approached by as many men IRL either.  So the interactions will be different.  While not being a jerk or a skeezeball will keep you from being featured on The Ladies of OKC, it doesn't mean responses.  Just like in real life, you still have to be interesting, and seem interested in what she'll say back. People want to date more than just "a person".  They want to date someone who has a personality, who makes them smile, or laugh.  

Okay, that makes sense. Though I like to think I'm interesting enough, I don't send one word "Hey" messages. Ever. I try to incorporate SOME personality in it, I try to talk about them I try to keep it light and friendly, but and ask them what they do and other stuff they're into. No idea WTF I'm doing wrong tbh.

jcorozza wrote:
Now, you've mentioned being in college- do you live on campus?  Do you do any on-campus activities (When I was 25, I was dating a 23 year old, so some of us don't mind).

I'm at a community college since I can't really afford big ole' fancy pants university. Plus any campus activities here at my college are poorly advertised, how do I know? I've been to several of them with very slim attendance. The only thing I remember that had a great amount of people was the 50th Anniversary of the college and that was 3 years ago now.

jcorozza wrote:
This is only somewhat related, but it's something that I thought may be skewing your results.  I think in your profile it mentions that you went to a 2 year college (was that before, and now you're in a university to finish a BA/BS?  It's possible that this is a dealbreaker for some, not all nerdy ladies - not the "finishing college" part, the "no four year degree" part.  And since, if I recall, you're a bit on the fence about your career options, some older women might see that combination and think, "well, what is planning on doing jobwise, and will I have to support him?"  I think so mare clarification in this area in your profile could help - it's okay to not be certain what you want to do, especially at your age, but many women will want to see that you're ambitious and have goals of some sort.  

If me not having a four-year degree is a deal breaker... well, I'm sorry I can't afford it and I'm sorry that I'm not willing to be inundated with unnecessary debt. I'm about to finish my AA in Audio Production with very little debt. I'm looking for a new job, but I'll have a degree. Like... I'm almost offended that not having a 4-year degree is a deal breaker. If that's their requirement, that's fine, I'm not judging. But you'd be weeding out a lot of cool dudes who simply can't afford a shiny $20k to $250k piece of paper. Hell, an art degree from a prestigious art school costs more than Harvard's Law School.

Again, I'm sorry I'm too poor to go to any UC system school, I'm sorry I can't afford to go to SDSU, I'm sorry I'm too poor (and dumb) to go to USC. I'm sorry I didn't volunteer enough or was "involved" enough during high school to get into college. Excuuuuuuuse me.

tl;dr, no they don't have to support me, nor are they going to. Fuck's sake, a buddy of mine didn't have a job and was dating somebody who are going to Occidental University in Eagle Rock, CA. Sooo, what the hell? -annoyed grunt-

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by eselle28 on Wed Apr 01, 2015 8:31 pm

When I started? Not many, the lowest number of messages I sent then was none. Nowadays, I'll send at least one or two depending on who I see that I fancy. Another problem I run into though is, the more search filters I put in, the less I results I yield back. For instance just by turning off "long/short-term dating" and "friendship", I'll leave "casual sex" and the numbers plummet to zero. Or I'll leave all those options on and in the keyword filter I'll type in "nerd" or "geek" and also, I get zero match results. I'll type in "redhead" and also, zero results while I have every option turned on. Shrug I also set the match results to "Best Match" as opposed to "special blend" because that puts super low % matches up at the front and I think "Dude, no, staahp, i dun wanna see those."

Oh, yeah, don't use the word filters. They were only ever helpful to people with very particular and dealbreaking relationship parameters ("poly" "asexual") and now aren't even as necessary because the site's become more responsive to those users' needs. Searching for "geek" or "nerd" or "redhead" limits your search to women who aren't just those things but who are willing to self-describe as such on OkCupid. I'm all three, and and I didn't use any of those words in mine. I mean, guys can see my hair color in my pictures and I'd rather show how I'm geeky and nerdy than describe myself as such. Also, all three traits tend to be a bit fetishized in women, and I wouldn't want to attract more men who'd do so than I already do. I'm sure you've already seen discussion of why women don't mark that they're looking for casual sex - and younger women are probably less likely to mark that because they're the targets of some of the worst harassment on the site.

If you're having trouble finding matches, I'd suggest using the search options only to screen out women who haven't logged on the site for a long time, women who aren't the right age for you, and (if this matters to you) women who are already in relationships. Go on match percentage and liking the profile for the rest. On that topic, if you're finding you're not getting many high matches or are finding you're more interested in women who are medium ones, it might be time to redo your questions and consider answering only those that are very important to you and leaving out the filler ones.
eselle28
eselle28
General Oversight Moderator

Posts : 1994
Reputation : 999
Join date : 2014-09-24

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 01, 2015 8:55 pm

eselle28 wrote:
Oh, yeah, don't use the word filters. They were only ever helpful to people with very particular and dealbreaking relationship parameters ("poly" "asexual") and now aren't even as necessary because the site's become more responsive to those users' needs. Searching for "geek" or "nerd" or "redhead" limits your search to women who aren't just those things but who are willing to self-describe as such on OkCupid. I'm all three, and and I didn't use any of those words in mine. I mean, guys can see my hair color in my pictures and I'd rather show how I'm geeky and nerdy than describe myself as such. Also, all three traits tend to be a bit fetishized in women, and I wouldn't want to attract more men who'd do so than I already do. I'm sure you've already seen discussion of why women don't mark that they're looking for casual sex - and younger women are probably less likely to mark that because they're the targets of some of the worst harassment on the site.

That's fine, I understand that. No big deal. Like I've said in the OLD thread, I'm not terribly picky. It's okay if you don't fit those preferences, if I like you, I like you (and if you like me too) and that's ultimately what matters the most in my opinion. I mean, others are allowed to have their preferences and weed out those who don't fit those preferences, so why can't I? I certainly can, the only difference is, I can't find them, okay, also no big deal. When I saw that the results dwindled to none when I entered in even one or two keywords I decided that keyword filtering was fucking useless.

eselle28 wrote:
If you're having trouble finding matches, I'd suggest using the search options only to screen out women who haven't logged on the site for a long time, women who aren't the right age for you, and (if this matters to you) women who are already in relationships. Go on match percentage and liking the profile for the rest. On that topic, if you're finding you're not getting many high matches or are finding you're more interested in women who are medium ones, it might be time to redo your questions and consider answering only those that are very important to you and leaving out the filler ones.

I filtered out for those who hadn't been online in a long time and it reduced the number of matches dramatically. I mean... holy shit the site turned into almost a ghost town when I did that. I also have the "Who Are Single"-option turned on and I still get women who're in relationships already. I already re-answered my questions (twice actually) and if I recall, the Doc suggested doing at least 100 very important relevant questions. Which I may end up doing again, soonish once I re-enable my profile again.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Wondering on Wed Apr 01, 2015 9:24 pm

The Mikey wrote:
eselle28 wrote:
Oh, yeah, don't use the word filters. They were only ever helpful to people with very particular and dealbreaking relationship parameters ("poly" "asexual") and now aren't even as necessary because the site's become more responsive to those users' needs. Searching for "geek" or "nerd" or "redhead" limits your search to women who aren't just those things but who are willing to self-describe as such on OkCupid. I'm all three, and and I didn't use any of those words in mine. I mean, guys can see my hair color in my pictures and I'd rather show how I'm geeky and nerdy than describe myself as such. Also, all three traits tend to be a bit fetishized in women, and I wouldn't want to attract more men who'd do so than I already do. I'm sure you've already seen discussion of why women don't mark that they're looking for casual sex - and younger women are probably less likely to mark that because they're the targets of some of the worst harassment on the site.

That's fine, I understand that. No big deal. Like I've said in the OLD thread, I'm not terribly picky. It's okay if you don't fit those preferences, if I like you, I like you (and if you like me too) and that's ultimately what matters the most in my opinion. I mean, others are allowed to have their preferences and weed out those who don't fit those preferences, so why can't I? I certainly can, the only difference is, I can't find them, okay, also no big deal. When I saw that the results dwindled to none when I entered in even one or two keywords I decided that keyword filtering was fucking useless.

I'm confused. What's your preference? Redheads who are nerds? Because, if so, eselle is suggesting other ways for you to look for them and why they're likely not showing up in huge numbers the way you're looking now. If I were online dating, I also wouldn't say I'm a nerd in my profile. Instead, I'd be talking about my love for Tolkien and how I'm a Trekkie. Clearly nerd interests, but not specifically stating that.

Or is your preference that the women have to say they're redheads and say they're nerds directly?

Wondering

Posts : 1117
Reputation : 436
Join date : 2014-10-01

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 01, 2015 11:35 pm

Sorry, those were first few attributes I could think of off the top of my head. They're a few of many preferences I have. Razz So, I apologize for the confusion.

And in case you're wondering, they don't have to be one or the other nor do they have to be both. Doesnt really matter much to me. Razz

But to be honest that's just me thinking in generalities because I'm a goddamn moron and don't think about online dating parameters thoroughly. Yet, even if I try to cover all my bases I fall short of... something.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by jcorozza on Thu Apr 02, 2015 12:25 am

The Mikey wrote:
When I started? Not many, the lowest number of messages I sent then was none. Nowadays, I'll send at least one or two depending on who I see that I fancy.

One or two a day, you mean?

The Mikey wrote: Another problem I run into though is, the more search filters I put in, the less I results I yield back. For instance just by turning off "long/short-term dating" and "friendship", I'll leave "casual sex" and the numbers plummet to zero. Or I'll leave all those options on and in the keyword filter I'll type in "nerd" or "geek" and also, I get zero match results. I'll type in "redhead" and also, zero results while I have every option turned on. Shrug I also set the match results to "Best Match" as opposed to "special blend" because that puts super low % matches up at the front and I think "Dude, no, staahp, i dun wanna see those."

Yeah, what Eselle said - don't use the keyword filter. But the "On in the last week" one is useful. I tend to filter for things like monogamy and wanting/possibly wanting kids - more general stuff, not personality type. Oh, also, what's your search radius? I keep mine at 50 - which is actually a bit annoying, because most of Philly and NYC are just within 50 miles of me (and none of them want to date outside their city - or in some cases, borough), but if I put it down to 25 miles I have almost no one.


The Mikey wrote: Okay, that makes sense. Though I like to think I'm interesting enough, I don't send one word "Hey" messages. Ever. I try to incorporate SOME personality in it, I try to talk about them I try to keep it light and friendly, but and ask them what they do and other stuff they're into. No idea WTF I'm doing wrong tbh.

The messages themselves are probably not your biggest issue, although a sample of one might help us rule that out.

The Mikey wrote:

I'm at a community college since I can't really afford big ole' fancy pants university. Plus any campus activities here at my college are poorly advertised, how do I know? I've been to several of them with very slim attendance. The only thing I remember that had a great amount of people was the 50th Anniversary of the college and that was 3 years ago now.

Ah - this is helpful. Community colleges, despite what the show Community tells us, don't tend to be great places to build social groups, which makes warm approaches a much bigger challenge.

The Mikey wrote:

If me not having a four-year degree is a deal breaker... well, I'm sorry I can't afford it and I'm sorry that I'm not willing to be inundated with unnecessary debt. I'm about to finish my AA in Audio Production with very little debt.

For one, it might be useful to mention what your degree is in - this will give more credence to the idea that you have goals and a career in mind (from your initial profile, at least, you mentioned several possible choices - it's okay to have those, but I think putting all of them in your profile is a mistake, whereas talking about what your specialty is gives it a bit of focus. Okay, the community college thing versus 4-year-college thing is a complicated issue. It sounds shallow, but, where I grew up, it makes sense. In my town, there were enough decent affordable options that if you were fairly intelligent, you could get a free ride, or at least a bunch of tuition off, so the only people I knew who went to our community college were lazy (at least, through high school) or didn't have any idea what they wanted to do in life (but even most of those people still went to college). It's one of those things that's become a "soft" deal breaker for me because of a few bad experiences (if the guy seems otherwise great and really compatible, I'll probably ease up on this as a requirement). One guy I almost dated was in a local nursing program, and I asked once why he'd chosen that rather than a 4 year program, and he went on a rant about how paying for a 4 year education was BS, and worthless, basically, so that made me feel pretty shitty about my life choices, even though I know that for what I want to do, I need a bachelors and a masters. So you may want to be careful with phrases like "unnecessary debt" - for many, having some loans to pay off is worth it if they have careers they love. On the other hand, I've had guys select me out of their dating pool because I'm TOO educated. But here's the hard truth - if they would consider it a definite dealbreaker, you would have pretty different worldviews about it anyway, and somewhere along the line, that would come up.


The Mikey wrote: I'm looking for a new job, but I'll have a degree. Like... I'm almost offended that not having a 4-year degree is a deal breaker. If that's their requirement, that's fine, I'm not judging. But you'd be weeding out a lot of cool dudes who simply can't afford a shiny $20k to $250k piece of paper. Hell, an art degree from a prestigious art school costs more than Harvard's Law School.

Again, I'm sorry I'm too poor to go to any UC system school, I'm sorry I can't afford to go to SDSU, I'm sorry I'm too poor (and dumb) to go to USC. I'm sorry I didn't volunteer enough or was "involved" enough during high school to get into college. Excuuuuuuuse me.

You definitely are judging them for having that deal breaker. I'm sure you have some that certain women wouldn't like, either. But you don't know that a ton of women are doing this - I'm just saying it's a possibility, and it's absolutely not everyone - it may, however, be true of the girls you've chosen to message. Most, but not all, people tend to date people with similar education levels or similar educational experiences (though sometimes this is probably because the meet at college/grad school/etc.)

The Mikey wrote: tl;dr, no they don't have to support me, nor are they going to. Fuck's sake, a buddy of mine didn't have a job and was dating somebody who are going to Occidental University in Eagle Rock, CA. Sooo, what the hell? -annoyed grunt-

But they don't KNOW that they won't have to support you (it might not help that you seem to be in mostly artsy fields, which sound really cool, but are known for being very stable). Some women just might not want to worry about (again, this is mainly the older women, I would imagine. Most 21 year olds probably aren't considering that, since they're not looking for life partners). But here's the thing - more women are probably going to forgive/not care about those things if the meet you IRL and you already have chemistry. When you're an attractive 22 year old woman, you're often in a position to pick one minor thing to rule someone out. In person, though, chemistry can trump a lot of those things.
jcorozza
jcorozza

Posts : 460
Reputation : 191
Join date : 2015-03-08

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:57 am

jcorozza wrote:
One or two a day, you mean?

Yes, I do. Razz Although sometimes I'll send out more than that, to the extent of 6 or so in a day and then I'm just mentally exhausted.

jcorozza wrote:
Yeah, what Eselle said - don't use the keyword filter.  But the "On in the last week" one is useful.  I tend to filter for things like monogamy and wanting/possibly wanting kids - more general stuff, not personality type.   Oh, also, what's your search radius?  I keep mine at 50 - which is actually a bit annoying, because most of Philly and NYC are just within 50 miles of me (and none of them want to date outside their city - or in some cases, borough), but if I put it down to 25 miles I have almost no one.

I had some of the same settings with the kids and I think I had one set to in the last month. It sorta worked. I don't remember what my search radius was though. I turned my profile back on and I see it's at 10 miles but I've found matches much farther than my search radius. And see, that's mostly because I live in San Diego and everything in SoCal is closer to each other over on the East Coast (from what I've been told). So, there's no real need to go super far out here.

That and Los Angeles is approx. 120+ miles away, plus traffic and I don't like going to LA either. Razz Maybe it's a west coast thing when people I've known have said "I'm not driving 40 miles for a date."

jcorozza wrote:
The messages themselves are probably not your biggest issue, although a sample of one might help us rule that out.

Okay, the last person I messaged was a girl who is a photographer, I do video stuff. While not the same, they share similarities. So I sent this diddle of a message "I'm a videographer myself and I use a DSLR for a lot stuff, specifically Canon DSLRs. What [kind of] gear do you use? Hi, I'm Mikey. Grin" Obviously I'm curious to see if she likes to use a separate mounted flash, or strobes, what kind of diffusion, lenses, etc. It's a pretty open ended question, I know, but I'm genuinely curious.

jcorozza wrote:
Ah - this is helpful.  Community colleges, despite what the show Community tells us, don't tend to be great places to build social groups, which makes warm approaches a much bigger challenge.

Ahh yeah! I'm living that out right now. Razz And to be fair, I don't watch Community either lol.

jcorozza wrote:
For one, it might be useful to mention what your degree is in - this will give more credence to the idea that you have goals and a career in mind (from your initial profile, at least, you mentioned several possible choices - it's okay to have those, but I think putting all of them in your profile is a mistake, whereas talking about what your specialty is gives it a bit of focus.

I'm not entirely sure how that's a mistake, but okay. I mean, I try not to be a slacker for most of my time, but I do love having downtime.

jcorozza wrote:
Okay, the community college thing versus 4-year-college thing is a complicated issue.  It sounds shallow, but, where I grew up, it makes sense.  In my town, there were enough decent affordable options that if you were fairly intelligent, you could get a free ride, or at least a bunch of tuition off, so the only people I knew who went to our community college were lazy (at least, through high school) or didn't have any idea what they wanted to do in life (but even most of those people still went to college).

Different regions, I found, have different levels of expense. It seems as though the East Coast in some places is not a pricey place to live in. I got and maintained a 3.83 GPA through most of high school, but that wasn't good enough for any of the big boy colleges here in California. Course at the time I wasn't looking into college much because, I couldn't afford it. At least not until I knew I could get most of my fees waived at the community college. And to think I was one phone call away from a Marine Corp recruiter.

jcorozza wrote:
 It's one of those things that's become a "soft" deal breaker for me because of a few bad experiences (if the guy seems otherwise great and really compatible, I'll probably ease up on this as a requirement).  One guy I almost dated was in a local nursing program, and I asked once why he'd chosen that rather than a 4 year program, and he went on a rant about how paying for a 4 year education was BS, and worthless, basically, so that made me feel pretty shitty about my life choices, even though I know that for what I want to do, I need a bachelors and a masters. So you may want to be careful with phrases like "unnecessary debt" - for many, having some loans to pay off is worth it if they have careers they love.

Gotcha, and for that I apologize; I'm speaking from experiencing my sister sorta screwing over my parents with her student loans, ie they cosigned the gorram loans and she defaulted on said loans. It's something that I myself can't see doing.


jcorozza wrote:
On the other hand, I've had guys select me out of their dating pool because I'm TOO educated.  But here's the hard truth - if they would consider it a definite dealbreaker, you would have pretty different worldviews about it anyway, and somewhere along the line, that would come up.

Personally, I don't care how educated you are or not. If you do indeed have a BA/BS or Masters or PhD, that's cool! But they're not requirement for me, so long as you aren't dumb/dull as rocks I'm cool with you not having a degree or nothin'.

jcorozza wrote:
You definitely are judging them for having that deal breaker.  I'm sure you have some that certain women wouldn't like, either.  But you don't know that a ton of women are doing this - I'm just saying it's a possibility, and it's absolutely not everyone - it may, however, be true of the girls you've chosen to message.  Most, but not all, people tend to date people with similar education levels or similar educational experiences (though sometimes this is probably because the meet at college/grad school/etc.)

Okay, so maybe I was and for that I also apologize. It just frustrates me like crazy that just because I didn't do $thing in life I'm cut off from a nice number of the population that I could date. Does this mean I'm screwed in that regard too or what?

jcorozza wrote:
But they don't KNOW that they won't have to support you (it might not help that you seem to be in mostly artsy fields, which sound really cool, but are known for being very stable).

You mean unstable, correct? Razz Okay, that's fair. I have a job, I just want to get a better one, obviously.

jcorozza wrote:
Some women just might not want to worry about (again, this is mainly the older women, I would imagine.  Most 21 year olds probably aren't considering that, since they're not looking for life partners).  But here's the thing - more women are probably going to forgive/not care about those things if the meet you IRL and you already have chemistry.  When you're an attractive 22 year old woman, you're often in a position to pick one minor thing to rule someone out. In person, though, chemistry can trump a lot of those things.

If they're older and worry about that, then okay, I get it, they'd want stability, clearly that's not something I got. But also, a 21 year old might also be in the same financial boat as me. I'm also thinking that anything I'm lacking could be made up for if I do make them happy and if they do like me, obviously. But so far... well, you've been reading this thread. Razz

-hugs-

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by jcorozza on Thu Apr 02, 2015 7:58 am

The Mikey wrote:

I had some of the same settings with the kids and I think I had one set to in the last month. It sorta worked. I don't remember what my search radius was though. I turned my profile back on and I see it's at 10 miles but I've found matches much farther than my search radius. And see, that's mostly because I live in San Diego and everything in SoCal is closer to each other over on the East Coast (from what I've been told). So, there's no real need to go super far out here.

That and Los Angeles is approx. 120+ miles away, plus traffic and I don't like going to LA either. Razz Maybe it's a west coast thing when people I've known have said "I'm not driving 40 miles for a date."

Hmm. I think it's more of a city mentality vs a rural/suburb one. Most of the east coast, especially the north east/mid atlantic is pretty crowded, but if people feel like they have enough options in their city, they might not bother to go further. You don't need to go 100 miles for a date, but it might help to expand to 25. The women outside of the city might have fewer options/guys messaging them, so you might have more of a chance of being heard. Definitely stick with "in the last week", though, because if they haven't touched their account in a week, they're not using it, and you're just wasting your mental energy messaging people who aren't going to be bothered.

The Mikey wrote:
Okay, the last person I messaged was a girl who is a photographer, I do video stuff. While not the same, they share similarities. So I sent this diddle of a message "I'm a videographer myself and I use a DSLR for a lot stuff, specifically Canon DSLRs. What [kind of] gear do you use? Hi, I'm Mikey. Grin" Obviously I'm curious to see if she likes to use a separate mounted flash, or strobes, what kind of diffusion, lenses, etc. It's a pretty open ended question, I know, but I'm genuinely curious.

::puts on workshopping hat::

I think the content's fine, but I'd probably switch up the order - start with your greeting, ask the question first, then mention what gear you use. A lot of guys send messages that are just bombarding us with information about them, which is a huge turnoff. Your message isn't that, but if you start with a sentence about you rather than curiosity/interest about her, it might look like it's going to be one of those messages, and some women might not bother to read past that sentence. I've never gotten so many messages that I couldn't bother to read them, but I'm trying to get into the mind of someone who might have that problem - so lead with your most engaging stuff!

jcorozza wrote:
Ah - this is helpful.  Community colleges, despite what the show Community tells us, don't tend to be great places to build social groups, which makes warm approaches a much bigger challenge.

Ahh yeah! I'm living that out right now. Razz And to be fair, I don't watch Community either lol.

The Mikey wrote:

I'm not entirely sure how that's a mistake, but okay. I mean, I try not to be a slacker for most of my time, but I do love having downtime.

I think we're talking about different things here. I mean that it may be helpful for you to delineate that X is what you want to do career-wise, and that Y and Z are things you like/love, but in the hobby sense. In the original, it looked like X, Y, and Z were all things you were thinking about as careers. My sister has dated guys who were interested in doing X, Y, Z, Q, and maybe even R for a career - which seems really exciting at first, but eventually those guys often can't decide on anything, and end up stuck doing something that makes them miserable. While you're probably not that type of guy, it's possible that you're coming off as that type of guy.

The Mikey wrote:
Personally, I don't care how educated you are or not. If you do indeed have a BA/BS or Masters or PhD, that's cool! But they're not requirement for me, so long as you aren't dumb/dull as rocks I'm cool with you not having a degree or nothin'.

And having a degree of whatever kind is definitely no guarantee that someone won't be dull or dumb as rocks! There were a couple of people in my masters program who probably shouldn't have passed high school, let alone made it to grad school. And one who spent his time in class watching muted sports videos and looking at pictures of cats. Holy shit, that made me so angry - you're spending $40,000 on an education, and you can't be bothered to pay attention?!

The Mikey wrote:
Okay, so maybe I was and for that I also apologize. It just frustrates me like crazy that just because I didn't do $thing in life I'm cut off from a nice number of the population that I could date. Does this mean I'm screwed in that regard too or what?

I don't think it means your screwed, just that if a lot of the women you seem to be interested did do/are doing the four year thing, you want to play up your smarts/intellectual interests and goal-type stuff, because there's a good change that's important to them. If a guy did the community college thing, and used his profile to talk about nerdy and intellectual pursuits, I'm much more likely to think he's a good match than if he talks about going hunting and hitting them gym.


The Mikey wrote: You mean unstable, correct? Razz Okay, that's fair. I have a job, I just want to get a better one, obviously.

Yup. Case of the late night stupids. Did you mention the job you have in your profile? I think it can be helpful to read "I'm working as X, but I'm trying to find Y" - that way it's clear that you have a job/some stability, but are still ambitious. I'm not going to hold it against someone if they're still looking for their dream job - heck, I'm 28, and still having trouble with this.


The Mikey wrote: If they're older and worry about that, then okay, I get it, they'd want stability, clearly that's not something I got. But also, a 21 year old might also be in the same financial boat as me. I'm also thinking that anything I'm lacking could be made up for if I do make them happy and if they do like me, obviously. But so far... well, you've been reading this thread. Razz

You may just be someone who does better with a warmer approach, and in that case, you might need to figure out, if your school isn't a great place for it, where can you become a part of other communities? Have you done meetups? You do have the advantage that you're in a city, so there's probably a lot of stuff going on, you just have to figure out what/where it is. Warmer approaches, unfortunately, rely on building friendships, and take much more time, so patience will be key.
jcorozza
jcorozza

Posts : 460
Reputation : 191
Join date : 2015-03-08

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 02, 2015 12:46 pm

jcorozza wrote:
Hmm.  I think it's more of a city mentality vs a rural/suburb one.  Most of the east coast, especially the north east/mid atlantic is pretty crowded, but if people feel like they have enough options in their city, they might not bother to go further.  You don't need to go 100 miles for a date, but it might help to expand to 25.  The women outside of the city might have fewer options/guys messaging them, so you might have more of a chance of being heard.  Definitely stick with "in the last week", though, because if they haven't touched their account in a week, they're not using it, and you're just wasting your mental energy messaging people who aren't going to be bothered.

Which sucks because I found some GREAT matches that are 90% and up, but haven't been online in a year. Facepalm

jcorozza wrote:
::puts on workshopping hat::

I think the content's fine, but I'd probably switch up the order - start with your greeting, ask the question first, then mention what gear you use.  A lot of guys send messages that are just bombarding us with information about them, which is a huge turnoff.  Your message isn't that, but if you start with a sentence about you rather than curiosity/interest about her, it might look like it's going to be one of those messages, and some women might not bother to read past that sentence.  I've never gotten so many messages that I couldn't bother to read them, but I'm trying to get into the mind of someone who might have that problem - so lead with your most engaging stuff!

My rule of thumb for sending a message is to use similar rules for school essays, as in I avoid using "I" as much as I can if possible.

jcorozza wrote:
I think we're talking about different things here.  I mean that it may be helpful for you to delineate that X is what you want to do career-wise, and that Y and Z are things you like/love, but in the hobby sense.  In the original, it looked like X, Y, and Z were all things you were thinking about as careers.  My sister has dated guys who were interested in doing X, Y, Z, Q, and maybe even R for a career - which seems really exciting at first, but eventually those guys often can't decide on anything, and end up stuck doing something that makes them miserable.  While you're probably not that type of guy, it's possible that you're coming off as that type of guy.

See, I don't fully understand since I say flat out that I'm going to school to be a filmmaker (yet my degree is in audio, but that's neither here nor there since I can do both). The other things are indeed hobbies but also possible job/career options. I thought it was good to not out my eggs all in one basket? I thought it was good to have options?

jcorozza wrote:
And having a degree of whatever kind is definitely no guarantee that someone won't be dull or dumb as rocks!  There were a couple of people in my masters program who probably shouldn't have passed high school, let alone made it to grad school.  And one who spent his time in class watching muted sports videos and looking at pictures of cats.  Holy shit, that made me so angry - you're spending $40,000 on an education, and you can't be bothered to pay attention?!

That's what I'm thinking. I'm wondering why some people make certain demands when they themselves can't play ball either. Trust me, I've seen some equally awful profile amidst the many diamonds. So yeah, I'm wondering WTF people are doin in college when they can be pretty dumb.

jcorozza wrote:
I don't think it means your screwed, just that if a lot of the women you seem to be interested did do/are doing the four year thing, you want to play up your smarts/intellectual interests and goal-type stuff, because there's a good change that's important to them.  If a guy did the community college thing, and used his profile to talk about nerdy and intellectual pursuits, I'm much more likely to think he's a good match than if he talks about going hunting and hitting them gym.

Well yeah, I kinda do talk about my nerdy pursuits. Shit, if you look in my other photos you'll see my other hobbies & junk. Plus, art is not easy nor is filmmaking or audio production/engineering. Razz I also put down that I play D&D which for some is a mind-boggling game (or woman repellant for others maybe). That and football is more of a leisure activity. Razz

jcorozza wrote:
Yup.  Case of the late night stupids.  Did you mention the job you have in your profile?   I think it can be helpful to read "I'm working as X, but I'm trying to find Y" - that way it's clear that you have a job/some stability, but are still ambitious.  I'm not going to hold it against someone if they're still looking for their dream job - heck, I'm 28, and still having trouble with this.

That's okay, I'm on mobile and sometimes up really late so that's double the trouble. Razz I believe I did mention the job, I don't want to be terrible specific because that's 100% who I am. I am a techie, sure, but I'm more an artist than I am a techie. Don't get me wrong, I looove me some technology, but that's only one part of who I am. Razz And yes, my dream job is to be another Chris Nolan or Tarantino or Leone or dare I say, another Kubrick.

jcorozza wrote:
You may just be someone who does better with a warmer approach, and in that case, you might need to figure out, if your school isn't a great place for it, where can you become a part of other communities?  Have you done meetups?  You do have the advantage that you're in a city, so there's probably a lot of stuff going on, you just have to figure out what/where it is.  Warmer approaches, unfortunately, rely on building friendships, and take much more time, so patience will be key.

Warner approaches, you think so? Because I asked out the other two interns who I worked with for four or so months, neither wanted anything to do with me in that regard. One was seeing someone apparently and the other said she wasn't in a place to be dating anyone. Okay, that's fine. Sure it hurt my feelings, but it didn't sting as bad as I anticipated. I've done tabletop RPG's meetups and really, there's a real lack of women in those circles. D: And yes, warmer approaches are a lot of work add the fact that I'm not sure WHEN or how soon to ask anyone out.

For example the interns I kinda fucked up and asked them out AFTER our internship was done. But I did that so it wouldn't get awkward for them being around me. So I'm still stuck even on the warm approach. Though when I asked out Anxiety Girl last year, that was after maybe a month of talking with her and geeking out over tumblr and goofy jokes. Shrug

And just so I dont forget, I'm a patient man, I'm just tired of waiting. Ohhh, so fuckin' tired, I wait, cultivate, and nurture my friendship and break the touch barrier (very light touching like gentle tickling or tummy poke). Or like with intern girls, every time id hug them Id also pick them up at the same time, literally. Razz

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by KMR on Thu Apr 02, 2015 3:05 pm

The Mikey wrote:
I haven't been able to figure out those social rules quite yet. Although I don't understand why they would be any different, I would think so long as I'm not being a skeezeball or a dick, or a jerk or whatever I should be okay, at the least. But nah, I guess thats not how it works, is it? Razz And yeah, I've been struggling a lot with OLD and just dating in general. So I haven't the slightest clue as to how I could even improve more than what I had. The advantages I see so far are that I don't have to worry about being face to face with some of the girls I'm messaging. The downside to that though is, they can just blow me off. Razz Soo, uhhh, I'm at a crossroads there.

To be fair, I don't even know what skills are the ones to be beneficial to go towards OLD. Razz I just thought not being a nasty asshole and actually being a person were good enough. Shrug

When I say "social rules," I mean things like how in OLD, it's the norm to simply not respond to someone if you're not interested, or stop replying without warning to someone you've started talking to but whom you're no longer interested in. (And we hear this applied a lot to women on OLD, because they tend to be the recipients of messages more often than men are, but men do this too.) Being aware of this as a social norm of OLD can help you not take it so personally when it happens to you.

Another social rule is in regards to the way that conversations are started on OLD, which is different from cold-approaching IRL. When you approach someone in person, you may know nothing about them, so it's common to just say hi, introduce yourself, and work from there. Online, you have a lot of information available about the person you're messaging, so not only do you have many options for conversation starters, but you're expected to use them to establish points of commonality and ask questions right away. You already know and do this, but a lot of people who use OLD think they can just treat it the same way they do face-to-face interactions and just say hi in their initial messages, expecting a friendly hi back before an actual conversation gets started. Just another example of how not knowing that some of the social norms may differ between OLD and face-to-face interactions can lead to struggles.

With regard to the advantages/disadvantages of OLD, here are just a few I thought of so far. I'll break them down into what it is that OLD offers, how that aspect can provide a benefit and to whom, and how that aspect can have potential downsides as well. (Spoilered for length.)

Spoiler:
1) OLD gives you access to more single people in your area than you would generally encounter in your day-to-day life. You can also see which of those people are currently single and looking and what kinds of relationships they're looking for. This removes the uncertainty you have in real-life, where you may not know whether a given person you're interested in is already in a relationship or is maybe not looking to be in a relationship.

The advantage here is broadening your pool of potential dates, which can benefit anyone but is especially beneficial for people who don't get out and socialize much (either because they're too busy or just introverted) and people whose environments and social circles don't include many people who are potential dating partners (e.g. few people of their target gender or age). Being able to see which people are single and looking for a relationship can help reduce approach anxiety as well.

The potential disadvantages of having a larger pool of people to approach are more psychological. While more approaches means more chances for success, it also leads to a larger number of rejections. This is a normal part of dating, but the higher number of rejections can be quite discouraging, especially for those who are not used to it or who take each rejection personally.

2) With public profiles and match questions/ratings, you have the ability to know more about the people you're approaching than just what they look like. This allows you to determine whether someone might be compatible before you approach them and rule out anyone who is not a good match.

Having a better idea of whether someone is a good match for you can save you time, so you're not messaging/dating as many people who you wouldn't get along with. This is most useful for people who have a good idea what kind of person/relationship they are looking for and want to screen out people who don't fit their preferences. When you do find people who seem like good matches, you can use the information in their profiles to generate more conversation-starters and identify points of commonality to better connect with people early on.

A potential problem with this, however, is the possibility of overinvestment. The more you know about someone, the more emotionally attached you can get, without even interacting with them. They seem like such a great match and you get very exited about the possibility of meeting them, so it can hurt that much more if you don't get a response. People prone to that kind of quick emotional attachment and who have tendencies toward oneitis may struggle more with OLD approaches than in-person cold approaches.

3) Just as you have access to more information about the people you're approaching, they also have the opportunity to know more about you before they ever talk to you. This allows you to put out as much information as you want people to know and give them an opportunity to get a feel for your personality, interests, lifestyle, etc.

This can provide a big advantage to people who are shy and nervous around strangers or who otherwise have a hard time making strong first impressions in person. This works especially well for people who are good at expressing themselves in writing, and it's not just a matter of using good spelling and grammar (though this is definitely important) but also the ability to get aspects of their personality, sense of humor, or whatever else it is that makes one an interesting and engaging person to shine through in their writing.

The downside is that those who have a hard time expressing certain important aspects of their personality through writing may find it harder for people to connect with them online than they would in person. For instance, if you have a certain style of humor that is really engaging but does not come across well in text, or if you have a more formal writing style that comes across as emotionally detached rather than interested and enthusiastic, this can hinder your online dating success.
KMR
KMR

Posts : 226
Reputation : 207
Join date : 2014-10-01

Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 02, 2015 3:18 pm

KMR wrote:
2) With public profiles and match questions/ratings, you have the ability to know more about the people you're approaching than just what they look like. This allows you to determine whether someone might be compatible before you approach them and rule out anyone who is not a good match.

Having a better idea of whether someone is a good match for you can save you time, so you're not messaging/dating as many people who you wouldn't get along with. This is most useful for people who have a good idea what kind of person/relationship they are looking for and want to screen out people who don't fit their preferences. When you do find people who seem like good matches, you can use the information in their profiles to generate more conversation-starters and identify points of commonality to better connect with people early on.

A potential problem with this, however, is the possibility of overinvestment. The more you know about someone, the more emotionally attached you can get, without even interacting with them. They seem like such a great match and you get very exited about the possibility of meeting them, so it can hurt that much more if you don't get a response. People prone to that kind of quick emotional attachment and who have tendencies toward oneitis may struggle more with OLD approaches than in-person cold approaches.

I'll add to this that sometimes knowing this much leads people to reject people they might otherwise like. I've seen people on this board talk about OLD conversations and say things like, "But he was only a 68% match, so I didn't really follow up," or "She seemed nice and a lot of fun, but she wasn't really into the kinds of games I like."

There are a lot of really fantastic couples without a lot of overlap in interests. They have some things they share, and some things they don't. Maybe she's an outdoorsy type, and you hate sky, but she has other hiking people, and you can play Call of Duty while she's out. That evening, you guys laugh about things, and appreciate each other's joy and enthusiasm, and then cuddle in front of a fire with pizza -- hers pepperoni with a glass of merlot and yours plain cheese with diet coke.

I mean, OKC has questions like "if you found a spider, would you catch it, kill it, ignore it, or ask for help?" Your answer on that affects your match percentage! I mean, if someone's a 12, with an enemy rating of 72%, they're probably not for you. But perfect synchronicity does not necessarily a better relationship make.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv] Empty Re: Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 1 of 6 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum