Having a hard time meeting women who are attracted to me [adv]

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Post by reboot on Sat Apr 04, 2015 7:14 pm

Dude, do not get defensive. Using slang and improper English in a profile is a big no no
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Post by Werel on Sat Apr 04, 2015 7:19 pm

Just chiming in on slang/nonstandard English: I think your profile demonstrates that you've got a good grasp on the standard and are choosing not to deploy it rigidly. Which, frankly, I'd give you bonus points for. From what I know of you, a woman who took objection to use of "ain't" might be a little too uptight to mesh well with you; one who appreciates the playful use of language which conveys unseriousness and/or outsider solidarity would be a better match. Only language-related tip I'd give is that "sillyhead" and similarly infantilizing language can really kill ladyboners. Razz

edit: oh snap, disagreeing with reboot is a rare event! Laughing
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Post by reboot on Sat Apr 04, 2015 7:22 pm

Werel wrote:Just chiming in on slang/nonstandard English: I think your profile demonstrates that you've got a good grasp on the standard and are choosing not to deploy it rigidly. Which, frankly, I'd give you bonus points for. From what I know of you, a woman who took objection to use of "ain't" might be a little too uptight to mesh well with you; one who appreciates the playful use of language which conveys unseriousness and/or outsider solidarity would be a better match. Only language-related tip I'd give is that "sillyhead" and similarly infantilizing language can really kill ladyboners. Razz

edit: oh snap, disagreeing with reboot is a rare event! Laughing

But I am an English major. We take language seriously :p
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Post by Werel on Sat Apr 04, 2015 7:25 pm

Hah, me too! Guess I ended up on the wrong side of the prescriptivist trenches. I bet my profs would be so disappointed in me. Razz
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Post by Guest on Sat Apr 04, 2015 7:49 pm

EDIT: Don't even worry about it.


Last edited by The Mikey on Sat Apr 04, 2015 7:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Post by Guest on Sat Apr 04, 2015 7:51 pm

reboot wrote:Dude, do not get defensive. Using slang and improper English in a profile is a big no no

Sorry, it just gets more confusing and frustrating when I do one thing I was advised to and then told to do the opposite. Headsmack

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Post by reboot on Sat Apr 04, 2015 7:54 pm

The Mikey wrote:
reboot wrote:Dude, do not get defensive. Using slang and improper English in a profile is a big no no

Sorry, it just gets more confusing when I do one thing I was advised to and then told to do the opposite. Headsmack

Slang appeals to those who use it and turns off those that do not. Proper English does not filter the same way. So if you want to appeal to those who are cool with slang only, keep it.
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Post by Guest on Sat Apr 04, 2015 8:05 pm

reboot wrote:Slang appeals to those who use it and turns off those that do not. Proper English does not filter the same way. So if you want to appeal to those who are cool with slang only, keep it.

Oh, I've seen BA/BS grads on OKC with profiles that have terrible punctuation and a number of other "mistakes". But I'll take your word for it.

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Post by reboot on Sat Apr 04, 2015 8:11 pm

The Mikey wrote:
reboot wrote:Slang appeals to those who use it and turns off those that do not. Proper English does not filter the same way. So if you want to appeal to those who are cool with slang only, keep it.

Oh, I've seen BA/BS grads on OKC with profiles that have terrible punctuation and a number of other "mistakes". But I'll take your word for it.

Oh trust me I know. I have cried (figuratively) at the abuse of the language online. You do not have to change it. Just realize that slang will filter people, even those without degrees
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Post by Guest on Sat Apr 04, 2015 8:18 pm

reboot wrote:
Oh trust me I know. I have cried (figuratively) at the abuse of the language online. You do not have to change it. Just realize that slang will filter people, even those without degrees

The thing is, I thought I nixed most of the slang and junk from my profile...

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Post by Guest on Sat Apr 04, 2015 8:32 pm

Werel wrote:Only language-related tip I'd give is that "sillyhead" and similarly infantilizing language can really kill ladyboners. Razz

To be frank, I'd rather call somebody (or myself) a sillyhead over a shithead/dumbass. Razz But it's okay, it's not like I gave ladyboners to begin with anyway. ;D

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Post by readertorider on Sat Apr 04, 2015 8:39 pm

The Mikey wrote:EDIT: Don't even worry about it.

Sorry, didn't mean to be stressful/overwhelming. You seem like a decent guy & this stuff is hard Sad
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Post by Guest on Sat Apr 04, 2015 8:51 pm

readertorider wrote:

Sorry, didn't mean to be stressful/overwhelming. You seem like a decent guy & this stuff is hard Sad

No, it's fine. You did nothing wrong. Smile

I'm merely a flawed lonely dude who's spent way too much time with himself and still doesn't fully understand how any of this works.

It just makes me sad that the things I like may appeal more to dudes. Yeah, I grew up listening to dad rock and learning how to play dad rock on the guitar. Dad rock was the reason I started playing guitar in the first place! Dad movies are what got me into wanting to make movies! Then great great great great great grandfather (Renaissance) art is what got me into art. So, it's tough.

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Post by readertorider on Sat Apr 04, 2015 11:11 pm

The Mikey wrote:
readertorider wrote:

Sorry, didn't mean to be stressful/overwhelming. You seem like a decent guy & this stuff is hard Sad

No, it's fine. You did nothing wrong. Smile

I'm merely a flawed lonely dude who's spent way too much time with himself and still doesn't fully understand how any of this works.

It just makes me sad that the things I like may appeal more to dudes. Yeah, I grew up listening to dad rock and learning how to play dad rock on the guitar. Dad rock was the reason I started playing guitar in the first place! Dad movies are what got me into wanting to make movies! Then great great great great great grandfather (Renaissance) art is what got me into art. So, it's tough.

Hey-you're my age so I figure we have at least another 50 years before we've spent too much time with ourselves! (more if the singularity ever arrives Wink wink nudge nudg )

Yeah, it's tough. It's awesome that the things you like inspired you though. (Also FWIW: some women do really like some of the things you like--I've seen Clock Orange and read the book and saw Saw 1, 2, and 5 because my female friend was excited about them. It just may be harder to find these people)

If you do want media recs or date ideas that may be friendlier to women the forum probably could provide. You don't even have to like these things, but they might give you things to talk about with a potential date? Shrug
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Post by jcorozza on Sat Apr 04, 2015 11:46 pm

reboot wrote:

But I am an English major. We take language seriously :p

English major high five! I would feel the same way about it - though not as much as I'd be bothered by a misuse of there/they're/their or your/you're. It's one thing in a text, but this is a profile that can be edited. Personally, I play with words and my own slang all the time (I mean, I don't see people use terms like Jerkbrain or pantsfeelings much in a lot of other spaces), but I tend to save that for when I know the other person will get it and reciprocate!
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Post by Guest on Sun Apr 05, 2015 12:01 am

readertorider wrote:
Hey-you're my age so I figure we have at least another 50 years before we've spent too much time with ourselves! (more if the singularity ever arrives  Wink wink nudge nudg )

Yeah, it's tough. It's awesome that the things you like inspired you though. (Also FWIW: some women do really like some of the things you like--I've seen Clock Orange and read the book and saw Saw 1, 2, and 5 because my female friend was excited about them. It just may be harder to find these people)

If you do want media recs or date ideas that may be friendlier to women the forum probably could provide. You don't even have to like these things, but they might give you things to talk about with a potential date? Shrug

Guuuh, I'd hate to be 73 and still single. D: Also, singularity...?

Yeah, still doesn't change the fact that my feelings are somewhat legitimately hurt. I can't even... describe how I'm feeling. :I

I don't need ideas for dates since I have ideas of my own... not just Netflix dates. Neutral I just don't fully understand, why or the things I like could be unfriendly. If a woman doesn't like a thing I like, then okay, that's fine with me. But if she doesn't like any of the things I like then it's obviously not gonna work.

It sounds then that women don't like me because of the things I like. And for that I apologize too. Neutral

-sigh-

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Post by jcorozza on Sun Apr 05, 2015 12:11 am

The Mikey wrote:
I guess not since I can't seem to get a straight answer from anyone. Shrug

It's definitely something everyone seems to view differently.  However, if I'm not sure what a guy is really looking for, I'm going to check the questions, and if most of them are more focused on sex, I'm going to move on.  So, there's a good chance that more relationship-focused women are doing what I would do.


The Mikey wrote:


Hmmm, I think this is where there's a bit of a disconnect. You know a male ex versus a female ex, I would also be worried about her safety if she were to reject an ex's advances.

As for the anger question, on top of some answers being weird, I hate that choosing two or more options can nullify a question and for the preferred responses too.

But there still needs to be a reason why you would assume violent tendencies from an ex.  If your GF has talked about violence, I think she'd probably either not want to meet up with him, or want you to come with her in case their was a problem (this is often a good compromise, violent or not).

It's sometimes good to answer anyway, in case that thing is really important to the other person.


The Mikey wrote:

Well they have questions about discussion religion and politics and ethics and whatnot on OKC, so I don't understand why there's even a "philosophical discussion" question to begin with, but I'll roll with it, I guess. And for the record, I can indeed discuss those topics, some I prolly won't be able to keep up because they just may be subjects I'm not versed in.

A lot of OKC questions are essential repeats, but reworded (which is good, because some of the wording sucks, or the choices aren't mutually exclusive).

The Mikey wrote:
Huh. I didn't give the personality thing much thought only because I never got far beyond asking anyone out. If I talked to them prior to asking them out, well, there was something about their personality that I liked, obviously. What that would have been, well, I had yet to figure it out which I couldn't figure out fast enough.

If you haven't really gotten to see their personalities, I'm not sure I'd call these really warm approaches...maybe lukewarm.


The Mikey wrote:

Correct, I did try to hold her hand twice, that was about it with the hand holding. The first time, I held out my hand as an indicator of, "Oh hey, lets hold hands. :3" She derped out and didn't get the hint so I had my hand sticking out for a second like dumbass, then she got the message but let go to look at some trinkets. I tried a second time and she still kinda derped, "Okay," I thought, "So she's also pretty awkward and possibly not into the hand holding, no big deal."

I knew she had anxiety and what not, but I hadn't the slightest idea that it got that bad either. :\

It was your first first date.  It's okay to mess up (and most of us do.  I once mentioned on a first date, after going to the bathroom a third time, that it was just because they kept refilling the water, not that I was going to shoot heroin).

The Mikey wrote:

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I do things and mess with people, girls included. I don't know how to actually flirt at all if I'm being honest. I have an idea, but chances are it's completely wrong. Also for the record, I've never seen Parks & Rec. Razz So I don't think that even if I bought one woman a drink she'd go home with me, or I with her

Okay, if this kind of self-deprecating humor is coming out in real life (I don't really see it in your profile) I can see why your warmer approaches might not be landing well.

I think you may be over-thinking flirting, though.  I don't know that I've ever been touched or touched anyone while flirting.  And I don't think flirting has to be sexual, either.  I've definitely flirted with gay male friends before - obviously neither of us were looking for dates.  But in general, I don't think I behave much differently on a date than I do with a friend - trying to be engaged/engaging, laughing, smiling, being a good listener, etc.  Not everyone needs to feel intense physical chemistry right away.



The Mikey wrote: 
No? I... what're you talking about? scratch

When you're looking at someone's profile, and go to their questions page, there's a pull down menu with options like "answers you care about" , "answers she cares about", and one of them is "unacceptable answers".  This is where all of the questions with at least one red answer show up.  It's a quicker way of figuring out what areas you AREN'T going to be compatible are.  If it's different activity interests, no problem.  Major political mismatch?  Problem.  Looking for different things in a relationship/sex? Problem.  It seems crappy to spend that time looking for problems, but I'd much rather spend a minute or two doing it online than meet them in person, start dating, and realize that we were incompatible![/quote]
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Post by Wondering on Sun Apr 05, 2015 1:06 am

reboot wrote:Slang appeals to those who use it and turns off those that do not. Proper English does not filter the same way. So if you want to appeal to those who are cool with slang only, keep it.

This, 1000 times this. It's about audience again. Standard English is acceptable to pretty much everyone. Slang/misspellings (and really, it's the misspellings more than slang that I think are a problem) are going to turn off a large number of people. Especially if the person's first encounter with you is a message and she hasn't read your profile yet to get a better sense of who you are.

jcorozza wrote: It's one thing in a text, but this is a profile that can be edited.

And this. Your profile is an attempt to put your best self forward. In a text-only setting. If your best self can't spell in the standard way when it's possible to go back and fix mistakes, that sends certain signals.

It's not about how you talk or how formal you are when you write essays. (And, no, I don't want to read your essays. That's exactly not the point.) I'm very informal when I speak, and like I said, I used to teach writing and am an English major like several others here. I am also a terrible typist. I misspell stuff constantly and use apostrophes when I shouldn't and all sorts of stuff. But when I can edit, I go back and do that.

Someone said to me once that spelling is by no means a measure of your intelligence, but people will measure your intelligence by it. I've found it to be true.

All of this is just advice about your profile and how it's coming across to various women on the site here. You don't have to take any of the advice or any more of it than you want. But if you're wondering about replies, people are offering you a lot of information and steps you could take to potentially have more success in online dating, from the number of messages you send, to what your profile sounds like, to how your filters are set. Almost all of the advice seems useful to me, but you are the one who makes the final decision.

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Post by readertorider on Sun Apr 05, 2015 11:20 am

The Mikey wrote:

Guuuh, I'd hate to be 73 and still single. D: Also, singularity...?

Even if you're dating someone, you're still with yourself? (Ray Kurzweil has this book where he very seriously makes the case that based on exponential growth around 2050 humans will have merged with robots and be effectively immortal...)

The Mikey wrote:
Yeah, still doesn't change the fact that my feelings are somewhat legitimately hurt. I can't even... describe how I'm feeling. :I

I don't need ideas for dates since I have ideas of my own... not just Netflix dates. Neutral I just don't fully understand, why or the things I like could be unfriendly. If a woman doesn't like a thing I like, then okay, that's fine with me. But if she doesn't like any of the things I like then it's obviously not gonna work.
I'm not saying all the things you like are unfriendly--Renaissance art for instance appeals to a lot of people, my sister watches the Walking Dead, swimming and playing music and creating video are things quite a few people of any gender do.

But in Clockwork Orange, for instance, at least three women are raped (in the book the two girls he picked up were under 13, I'll admit to not being completely sure about the movie) on screen by the protagonist, milk and breasts are treated like a commodity, and there are really no female characters besides the women who are raped and the woman acting for the Prime Minister.

South Park--main characters are male, crude humor/swearing, most popular among male viewers*.

Heavy Metal music--all male band members, predominantly male fans*

There are other aspects to this too, but I don't want to try and put my finger on them because I don't really know enough about the things you listed specifically and I've done enough speculation about what other people think about things (and no matter what I say there will be someone who's lived the exact opposite because people  Wink )

I brought it up in regards to your profile because it was giving me the overall impression that you were a guy who liked stereotypical guy things (beer, football, certain media, pool, even bowling if you want to get all Big Lebowski about it) and it might be worth it to try and emphasize a more middle ground (drawing, swimming, cooking) on your profile.

The Mikey wrote:

It sounds then that women don't like me because of the things I like. And for that I apologize too. Neutral

-sigh-

Don't apologize. Please stop apologizing. It goes against the "confidence = sexy" thing and it's really really hard to have an argument with someone who just apologizes. The way I see it is that you have a few options:

You can decide that a potential date liking the media you like is very important and decide to put yourself in a position to find a person who likes it as well (this may require patience and keep in mind that most women who are involved in predominantly male activities don't have the "you like the things I do = true love" mindset).

You can decide that a potential date having other things (humor, personality, swimming)  in common is more important, try to emphasize those things, and save the majority of the shooter games and heavy metal as a thing you do with your buddies (if you are in a LTR with someone chances are that they will learn to like/tolerate at least some of your interests or that you will find new interests together).

You can choose to just meet people through friends or classes or hobbies without knowing any/many of their interests and see if you get along.

You can try a lot of media with women in it and see if you actually like any of it in which case you can try and connect with women over new interest.

I'm not sure what option would be best for you, don't necessarily know what I'm talking about, almost certainly haven't elucidated all options, and have no investment in your dating life beyond wanting to try and help a seemingly decent guy across the internet. Take anything here for what it's worth to you and salt to taste Wink

*This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but people do cater to their audiences and even if the media is awesome dealing with the fanbase can put people off the media
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Post by Guest on Sun Apr 05, 2015 11:41 am

jcorozza wrote:
It's definitely something everyone seems to view differently.  However, if I'm not sure what a guy is really looking for, I'm going to check the questions, and if most of them are more focused on sex, I'm going to move on.  So, there's a good chance that more relationship-focused women are doing what I would do.

Seems that nobody interested even in sex. I saw one who maybe was but never responded. Hell, I have exactly what I was looking for on the side above my personal details in the "looking for" category.

jcorozza wrote:
But there still needs to be a reason why you would assume violent tendencies from an ex.  If your GF has talked about violence, I think she'd probably either not want to meet up with him, or want you to come with her in case their was a problem (this is often a good compromise, violent or not).

It's sometimes good to answer anyway, in case that thing is really important to the other person.

All right fine, she can go hangout with her ex. I've read plenty of stories and accounts from folks I know. That's how a friend of mine lost his last girlfriend, through her cheating on him with an ex. All right, that's cool, just know, it'd be over, naturally at that point.

The last time I answered a silly question with honesty I got yelled at for not caring about Olde English. So, I think I'll avoid silly questions, next time. Grin

jcorozza wrote:
A lot of OKC questions are essential repeats, but reworded (which is good, because some of the wording sucks, or the choices aren't mutually exclusive).

That's what I thought, then.

jcorozza wrote:
If you haven't really gotten to see their personalities, I'm not sure I'd call these really warm approaches...maybe lukewarm.

I don't know. I'm about ready to give up on women.

jcorozza wrote:
It was your first first date.  It's okay to mess up (and most of us do.  I once mentioned on a first date, after going to the bathroom a third time, that it was just because they kept refilling the water, not that I was going to shoot heroin).

I fucked up pretty bad, because I think there's a difference between a silly joke and me not taking a hint. Neutral

-sigh-

jcorozza wrote:
Okay, if this kind of self-deprecating humor is coming out in real life (I don't really see it in your profile) I can see why your warmer approaches might not be landing well.

I... don't know. It could be, but I still chalk it up to them just not liking me period. The most self-deprecating joke I made while all the interns were in the room was when everyone was discussing exes and I simply said, "Ha! Jokes on you guys, I've never had an ex."

jcorozza wrote:
I think you may be over-thinking flirting, though.  I don't know that I've ever been touched or touched anyone while flirting.  And I don't think flirting has to be sexual, either.  I've definitely flirted with gay male friends before - obviously neither of us were looking for dates.  But in general, I don't think I behave much differently on a date than I do with a friend - trying to be engaged/engaging, laughing, smiling, being a good listener, etc.  Not everyone needs to feel intense physical chemistry right away.

Oh, all right, so Ive been flirting wrong too? That's cool. I mean that's kinda what I did with anxiety girl, I just added an extra touch element because I knew she had previous experience. I didn't.

jcorozza wrote:
When you're looking at someone's profile, and go to their questions page, there's a pull down menu with options like "answers you care about" , "answers she cares about", and one of them is "unacceptable answers".  This is where all of the questions with at least one red answer show up.  It's a quicker way of figuring out what areas you AREN'T going to be compatible are.  If it's different activity interests, no problem.  Major political mismatch?  Problem.  Looking for different things in a relationship/sex? Problem.  It seems crappy to spend that time looking for problems, but I'd much rather spend a minute or two doing it online than meet them in person, start dating, and realize that we were incompatible!

Oh yeah! Now I remember what you're talking about. I used to use that thing, but I forgot it was a thing in more recent months. Good tip, I suppose.

Wondering wrote:
This, 1000 times this. It's about audience again. Standard English is acceptable to pretty much everyone. Slang/misspellings (and really, it's the misspellings more than slang that I think are a problem) are going to turn off a large number of people. Especially if the person's first encounter with you is a message and she hasn't read your profile yet to get a better sense of who you are.

What I'm having trouble understanding is my profile didn't have a copius amount of slang or anything of the sort not even my messages. Although I did once use "pics" for pictures, I'm pretty sure they know that that is.

Wondering wrote:
And this. Your profile is an attempt to put your best self forward. In a text-only setting. If your best self can't spell in the standard way when it's possible to go back and fix mistakes, that sends certain signals.

Yeah, I know that, I tried my best. I did what I could, but I'm just not good enough.

Wondering wrote:
It's not about how you talk or how formal you are when you write essays. (And, no, I don't want to read your essays. That's exactly not the point.) I'm very informal when I speak, and like I said, I used to teach writing and am an English major like several others here. I am also a terrible typist. I misspell stuff constantly and use apostrophes when I shouldn't and all sorts of stuff. But when I can edit, I go back and do that.

Then what's it about? Because I'm a pretty decent typist and I've been pretty good at English, what I'm wondering is does all that REALLY make a difference?

Wondering wrote:
Someone said to me once that spelling is by no means a measure of your intelligence, but people will measure your intelligence by it. I've found it to be true.

So, then do you guys think I'm dumb? I mean, I am a little bit, but not conpletely. I did get 110 on an IQ test once.

Wondering wrote:
All of this is just advice about your profile and how it's coming across to various women on the site here. You don't have to take any of the advice or any more of it than you want. But if you're wondering about replies, people are offering you a lot of information and steps you could take to potentially have more success in online dating, from the number of messages you send, to what your profile sounds like, to how your filters are set. Almost all of the advice seems useful to me, but you are the one who makes the final decision.

I've applied a lot of the advice here and I still got silence. I just don't think dating, in general, really is for me. I'll probably keep trying and I'll probably keep failing and then eventually I'll die unmarried and childless like Sterling Holloway. Grin


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Post by reboot on Sun Apr 05, 2015 11:48 am

Mikey, you keep asking for advice and then telling everyone you already did whatever they advised (even though some of the advice was in reference to your recent profile and things to change/try). What do you want us to do to help? Because clearly what we are offering is not helping and you are getting defensive/frustrated by some of the advice.
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Post by Wondering on Sun Apr 05, 2015 12:12 pm

Miley, you sound like you're getting defensive about all the advice. You seem to be starting to see much of it in the worst light, instead of the best light. ("Fine she can go hangout with her ex and cheat on me." Not what anyone was saying, and also not trusting your hypothetical girlfriend.  "Yelled at for Old English answer." No one was yelling at you.*) So I'm not sure continuing to respond to you is going to be helpful to you.

BUT, because I do want to help....  Your profile had gonnas and wannas. I didn't read it thoroughly; I was just skimming to see if it did have those sorts of words you use here. It may have more. It also had "totes," which is slang. And I agree with the prior comment that "totes feminist" comes across as mocking and dismissive of feminism not actually feminist.

What's it about? It's about how you come across in your writing for your profile and your messages. How you talk and how well you write essays are irrelevant to that.  How much of a difference it makes is going to vary. My advice, like everyone else's, is pointing out the potential problems we see that are likely turning off/filtering out a certain number of women you're interested in.

I don't think you're dumb. I never said that. In fact, I said that I know you from around here so know you know how to spell.  But, as I said before, the women you're messaging don't. They only have what you've written to judge you by. And judging on the points that matter to them is what everyone does in online dating.

This is just one piece of advice. Take it or leave it as you will. Just remember that your writing is the first and only impression you can make on someone in online dating until you talk on the phone or meet.  

*Shakespeare is Modern English. Beowulf is Old English, aka Anglo Saxon. PSA from your friendly neighborhood medievalist. Wink


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Post by Guest on Sun Apr 05, 2015 12:39 pm

readertorider wrote:
Even if you're dating someone, you're still with yourself? (Ray Kurzweil has this book where he very seriously makes the case that based on exponential growth around 2050 humans will have merged with robots and be effectively immortal...)

I see... so cyberpunk seems to be on the rise as opposed to steampunk. Ha, take that 19th Century! Razz There can be only one!!

readertorider wrote:
I'm not saying all the things you like are unfriendly--Renaissance art for instance appeals to a lot of people, my sister watches the Walking Dead, swimming and playing music and creating video are things quite a few people of any gender do.

All things I love very much. :3

[quote="readertorider"]
But in Clockwork Orange, for instance, at least three women are raped (in the book the two girls he picked up were under 13, I'll admit to not being completely sure about the movie) on screen by the protagonist, milk and breasts are treated like a commodity, and there are really no female characters besides the women who are raped and the woman acting for the Prime Minister.

Yes, horrible things happen in that book, obviously I don't advocate the horribleness that occurs. But having written a 12-page paper and 30+ slide presentation on the book I can say with genuine earnest the movie missed the point.

But, I do understand how it could come off as.

readertorider wrote:
South Park--main characters are male, crude humor/swearing, most popular among male viewers*.

My kind of humor! Razz Lowbrow humor is one of my favorites, it's kinda why I'm a fan Louis CK too. Razz

readertorider wrote:
Heavy Metal music--all male band members, predominantly male fans*

There are other aspects to this too, but I don't want to try and put my finger on them because I don't really know enough about the things you listed specifically and I've done enough speculation about what other people think about things (and no matter what I say there will be someone who's lived the exact opposite because people  Wink )

-sigh- Fair enough!

readertorider wrote:
I brought it up in regards to your profile because it was giving me the overall impression that you were a guy who liked stereotypical guy things (beer, football, certain media, pool, even bowling if you want to get all Big Lebowski about it) and it might be worth it to try and emphasize a more middle ground (drawing, swimming, cooking) on your profile.

I actually don't even like pool, I'm terrible at it, but I've known women who are totally into pool. And yeah, I do like going Lebowski about bowling, plus I'm fortunate enough to have a bowling alley nearby my house. I'm also terrible at bowling but it can be fun!

readertorider wrote:
Don't apologize. Please stop apologizing. It goes against the "confidence = sexy" thing and it's really really hard to have an argument with someone who just apologizes. The way I see it is that you have a few options:

The reason I'm apologizing is because I'm coming off as offensive. That's the last thing I want to come across as unless there's strangers being assholes to me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm confident in a lot of aspects of life, women is not one of them. If I say something and somebody is genuinely offended, then yes, I will apologize.

readertorider wrote:
You can decide that a potential date liking the media you like is very important and decide to put yourself in a position to find a person who likes it as well (this may require patience and keep in mind that most women who are involved in predominantly male activities don't have the "you like the things I do = true love" mindset).

That's fine, I don't mind if she doesn't like some of the stuff I do. If she doesnt like anyrhing I like then, no, it ain't gonna work.

readertorider wrote:
You can decide that a potential date having other things (humor, personality, swimming)  in common is more important, try to emphasize those things, and save the majority of the shooter games and heavy metal as a thing you do with your buddies (if you are in a LTR with someone chances are that they will learn to like/tolerate at least some of your interests or that you will find new interests together).

I think both are important to me. Our interests can't overlap too much of there's nothing there. Besides, shootey games and metal I keep to myself in my bedroom. And please, metal isn't the only thing I listen to, I also listen go funny 80's pop music, or tunes from the 90's or electronica. 1980s and 70s Metal is just my favorite, which is nothing to the metal of today...

readertorider wrote:
You can choose to just meet people through friends or classes or hobbies without knowing any/many of their interests and see if you get along.

You can try a lot of media with women in it and see if you actually like any of it in which case you can try and connect with women over new interest.

I've done that, I've met people through class, friends and some hobbies, but none were into me.

So, I've not even been able to show them the media I'm into. I've seen plenty of media with women in and some is very good and some of it ain't so good. "Crazy Stupid Love", good; "Princess Diaries 2", bad (although the first Princess Diaries was pretty good).

readertorider wrote:
I'm not sure what option would be best for you, don't necessarily know what I'm talking about, almost certainly haven't elucidated all options, and have no investment in your dating life beyond wanting to try and help a seemingly decent guy across the internet. Take anything here for what it's worth to you and salt to taste Wink

I will, thank you. :3

readertorider wrote:
*This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but people do cater to their audiences and even if the media is awesome dealing with the fanbase can put people off the media

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel about Doctor Who. I was gonna say Sherlock too, but I saw them doing some interesting things from Sherlock's perspective...

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Post by Guest on Sun Apr 05, 2015 1:04 pm

reboot wrote:Mikey, you keep asking for advice and then telling everyone you already did whatever they advised (even though some of the advice was in reference to your recent profile and things to change/try). What do you want us to do to help? Because clearly what we are offering is not helping and you are getting defensive/frustrated by some of the advice.

Yes, you're right. I am getting frustrated and a little defensive in some places, but that was because im not thinking clearly. I was also curious if there was something else I was missing that was glaringly obvious to others than it wasn't obvious to me. And for that I apologize.

Wondering wrote:Miley, you sound like you're getting defensive about all the advice. You seem to be starting to see much of it in the worst light, instead of the best light. ("Fine she can go hangout with her ex and cheat on me." Not what anyone was saying, and also not trusting your hypothetical girlfriend.  "Yelled at for Old English answer." No one was yelling at you.*) So I'm not sure continuing to respond to you is going to be helpful to you.

Correct. Again, I'm not thinking clearly. The frustration is really getting to my head and I sincerely apologize to you as well. I'm not being fair to my hypothetical girlfriend, I'm being a jerk.

Wondering wrote:
BUT, because I do want to help....  Your profile had gonnas and wannas. I didn't read it thoroughly; I was just skimming to see if it did have those sorts if words you use here. It may have more. It also had "totes," which is slang. And I agree with the prior comment that "totes feminist" comes across as mocking and dismissive of feminism not actually feminist.

What's it about? It's about how you come across in your writing for your profile and your messages. How you talk and how well you write essays are irrelevant to that.  How much of a difference it makes is going to vary. My advice, like everyone else's, is pointing out the potential problems we see that are likely turning off/filtering out a certain number of women you're interested in.

So I guess my wording was off in all that. That's fair.

I tried the best I could to edit my profile as much as I could. I just had the wrong ideas of how all this works because like I said, I was given multiple bits of advice from other people that didn't exactly match up.

Wondering wrote:
I don't think you're dumb. I never said that. In fact, I said that I know you from around here so know you know how to spell.  But, as I said before, the women you're messaging don't. They only have what you've written to judge you by. And judging on the points that matter to them is what everyone does in online dating.

Right-o, I was confused because I'd seen a number of profiles of women I was interested in that also had terrible writing skills, but I understood what they were saying. So, it's just one of those things that's a real head scratcher for me.

Wondering wrote:
This is just one piece of advice. Take it or leave it as you will. Just remember that your writing is the first and only impression you can make on someone in online dating until you talk on the phone or meet.  

*Shakespeare is Modern English. Beowulf is Old English, aka Anglo Saxon. PSA from you friendly neighborhood medievalist. Wink

I see. Well, I don't think OLD is a good venue for someone even as tech savvy as me. D: I think I'm better at actual interpersonal interaction than I am online. It happens, I guess.

EDIT: I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but if you didn't, I'll Just let you guys know, I deleted my profile last night.

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Post by nearly_takuan on Sun Apr 05, 2015 2:00 pm

readertorider wrote:
The Mikey wrote:

Guuuh, I'd hate to be 73 and still single. D: Also, singularity...?

Even if you're dating someone, you're still with yourself? (Ray Kurzweil has this book where he very seriously makes the case that based on exponential growth around 2050 humans will have merged with robots and be effectively immortal...)

You answer what is said instead of what is meant and yet are surprised when people get frustrated?
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