Successfully cold approaching

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Post by reboot on Fri Apr 03, 2015 2:40 am

Based on the interest expressed by many members in wanting or needing to cold approach to date, I thought we could start an advice thread on this topic. There are a few ground rules because I want to avoid this turning into another "That means I can never talk to anyone! EVAH" thread. We have plenty of those.

The rules:

1. Only post about cold approaches defined as approaching a complete stranger in public. No house parties, classes, hobby/activity club meetings, etc. since those are lukewarm to warm approaches and require slightly different skills (if you want advice on this, start a lukewarm approach thread)

2. If you are sharing a story, it must be one where you are the approached/approachee or you witnessed the approach AND have knowledge of the outcome, as in knowing that the phone number was good and they went on a date, that the couple had sex, that you saw them meet and know they started a relationship, etc.. No reporting what you assumed or heard from third parties happened.

3. Share stories of successful approaches only, please. These can include ones where the initial approach was a success, but incompatibilities cropped up on the date, during sex, in the relationship, etc..

4. Please use this space to run ideas for approaches by people to see what they think.

5. For the love of physics, DO NOT post about how unfair or hard your target gender or feminists make this or bring up how douchey people can ignore all boundaries and succeed. If you do this you will be banned for one week. No exceptions. No arguing. Consider yourself duly warned.
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Post by eselle28 on Fri Apr 03, 2015 3:22 am

A cute guy standing near me at a really divey bar asked to see the drink list because he wanted a martini. This is the kind of place where it's dicey to order anything but beer, so I made an exaggerated yuck face and quietly told him that. He followed my recommendation and also kept the conversation going by teasing a bit about how I must come there pretty often to know that and asking me a couple of the usual questions about where I worked and such. He offered to buy me my next drink as a thank you gesture. We talked for maybe an hour, and then I somewhat drunkenly told him he was cute and asked him if he wanted to come back to my place. He agreed. The sex was pretty good, so we hooked up occasionally for a few months before getting bored of each other.

Caveat: This one's slightly odd, but it turned out we actually were slightly acquainted with each other's families and probably ran into each other a few times as kids. I think this still counts as a cold approach, though, because we only figured out the connection after we exchanged last names, which was after we'd already slept together.
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Post by Gman on Fri Apr 03, 2015 7:40 am

Nice timing with this thread - as I have a brand new cold approach story to tell. I conisder it "successful" because while it still hasn't led to a date or anything beyond that - I did send a text and got back a cool reply, which shows that the number was real and that, at least for now, there still seems to be interest.

Yesterday decided to go to a 90's party downtown, where a good friend of mine also decided to join me. I was having a blast and was in a good mood, because I was finally dancing after almost 2 weeks of being stuck at home recovering from a minor surgery. Also seen a few people I haven't seen in ages, which was also a great suprise :-).

So at one point I notice my friend starting to talk with 2 women there and then proceeding to dance with one of them. So I take cue and start talking/dancing with the second woman. She was pretty cute all around, so after a while when she says she needs to go, I ask for a number. She goes "I don't know" so I reply by saying something along these lines: "Listen, I've got an idea. We'll swap numbers, I'll text you and then you can choose - either I'm that overly-intense weird salsa dancer and then don't reply, or do reply and I can promise you'll won't regret it" (All said in a light and fun tone). So she agrees and we swap numbers.

Later, when I also leave, I quickly text her and add a little joke we had between us. She replies shortly with the same joking tone. So all in all, even if this leads nowhere, I still count this as a big success for me personally :-)

I'll try texting her tommorrow evening, because today is holiday (Passover!) and I'll see how it flows from there Smile
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Post by reboot on Fri Apr 03, 2015 10:05 am

I have two stories that might be useful to others (there are more but sharing stories of people who get approached a lot is probably less useful)

1. I was in NY for a meeting and met up with some friends from grad school after work. One of them is an introverted, but friendly man (e.g. likes people, but small doses) who is relatively shy. We are all sitting around a table shooting the shit and he goes to the bar to get another drink. When he comes back, he is with a woman who he introduces, "Hey everyone this is T, she makes some really cool shit. Reboot, check out her bracelet, do you think Dr. S would like something like that for her going away gift?". We all admired her work and he asked her if she wanted to join us while she waited for her friends. At some point they swapped numbers and I know they dated at least casually for a while.

As pieced together from the conversation, he initially talked to her because he saw her bracelet and asked her where she got it. She told him she made it. He expressed " Wow!" at her talent and asked her about how she got into jewelry making. Then he asked if she would mind coming over and showing the bracelet.

EDIT: I thought I should add that my friend was not naturally socially adept and had to learn US social cues in his late teens/early 20s. He did have one advantage, though. In his native culture, the "soft no" was the norm for everyone and direct "noes" were extremely rare and consider aggressive, disrespectful, and hostile, so he was good at seeing and responding to soft noes. On the flip side, he was freaking terrible for a while at detecting whether someone wanted to talk since strangers pretty much never talked without some sort of introduction in his birth country.

2. This was in a place that is usually a no go: the airport. My friend and I were waiting for our friend's flight to come in inside the security zone. We were chilling out, people watching and only chatting a little bit. We see this man who looks like he is looking for something and pretty anxious about it. We speculate about who or what he might have lost. He comes up to us and asks if we have seen 3 traditionally dressed Afghan men, ages 35-60 pass by, because he was escorting them from security to the flight and somehow three disappeared and he had to find them.

My friend had another friend who had been in a similar situation where the Afghan trainees had gone on walkabout and ended up in the women's restroom (apparently the skirted figure gets misinterpreted as a man in shalwar kameez if the figure does not have hair and people think it is a squat toilet while the men's room is western style or people from really traditional areas do not compute a public toilet for women because only men have public latrines or there is a less benign explanation). She offered to have us go check. He gratefully thanked her. We found the trainees in a bathroom. After seeing them off, he came back, thanked us, and asked if we had time for a "Thank you" drink. We did. They hit it off and it turned into a fling that offed/onned whenever they were in the same country.

In this case, it did not start as an approach, but the follow-up drink definitely was. Granted there was a little connection thank to the search, but at that point he did not know her name and only knew she knew to look for Afghan trainees in the women's restroom, so I included it.


Last edited by reboot on Fri Apr 03, 2015 1:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post by PintsizeBro on Fri Apr 03, 2015 12:53 pm

A couple of years ago, I spoke with a strange woman in a situation generally regarded as a no-go: we were on the bus, and she was reading a book.

I recognized the author but not the title, so I asked her if it was a new release and how it compared to the author's previous work. We had a brief but pleasant conversation about the author and a couple of other authors we both enjoyed.

This may not count as a "successful cold approach" because I didn't ask her out on a date. But it was a pleasant interaction for both of us - she was actively engaged in the conversation, not just giving one-word answers and waiting for me to leave her alone. If I had asked her out, there's a non-zero chance that she would have said yes.

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Post by V on Fri Apr 03, 2015 1:43 pm

Some successful experiences i have had with approaching / being approached are:

1.  Once I was sitting by myself in a small bar when a women came in by herself and sat next to me.  This was a little odd as the place was almost empty and there were plenty of other seats.  The bar tender was talking to me and included her in the conversation.  The two of us continued talking and we went onto another bar and later made out.

2.  Another time I went with a friend to a bar  As we walked in there were two young women sitting at a table.  My friend made eye contact with one of the women.   I'm not sure who said hello first but we started talking.  They had seen each other earlier in the night but not spoken..
One thing led to another I exchanged numbers with the other women and my friend with the first woman.  In each case there was some follow up.

3.  I was at a small restaurant with friends sitting next to a table including three very attractive young women.
One of the women starts waving at me and calling out hello a number of times.  She then tells her friends I'm cute and that she is interested (this was in Japanese and in a noisy environment so she must have assumed I wouldn't understand). While I was reluctant to get involved in another group the women were very happy to talk and I ended up exchanging numbers with the first woman.

4.   I met my ex girlfriend at a very small bar.  When she came in she said hello to me straight away.  She was extremely flirty and began touching me very soon.  We moved onto to eat elsewhere and continued going out for long after that.

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