[advice] Break-up and crush

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[advice] Break-up and crush Empty [advice] Break-up and crush

Post by litterature on Fri Apr 03, 2015 2:37 pm

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[advice] Break-up and crush Empty Re: [advice] Break-up and crush

Post by Caffeinated on Fri Apr 03, 2015 3:20 pm

litterature wrote:So, I've got a few questions:

- Do you think it's a dick move, or otherwise a bad idea, to tell our common friends outright? I think I need someone to talk about my feelings for Z (or about what to do when I panic) and my other friends just don't fit the bill.

I'd say it's not a dick move to talk about your feelings with common friends, although there is a chance it could stir up gossip and drama. So, you have to weigh that risk and decide who's a good person to confide in. But talking about your feelings doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

litterature wrote:- What do I do about Z? I fear that if I simply walk away I'll never see her again, and she's totally worth it be it as a friend or whatever. But I'd like her to be sorta conscious that I'd like to go out with her, maybe not now but someday if and when she feels like it...

I think you're on kind of shaky ground here. If Z is in a (monogamous, I'm assuming) relationship, then letting her know you'd like to date her some day is... kind of weird, and not really a good idea. If you stay in loose contact, and then some day you both happen to be single at the same time, that's a good time to ask her out. But hovering over her relationship like a vulture, waiting for it to fail, not so good.

litterature wrote:- I still hang out with my ex regularly. Sometimes it's great, and sometimes she sends me text messages about how she's going to be forever alone, how she hates me or stuff like "I'm so ugly, you keep your pretty porcelain doll" or the less mean "I'm so happy you've found such a pretty girl". This makes me feel really sad because I know she's suffering but I don't really know what to do. I pay her a lot of extremely affectionate attention but it doesn't seem to be good enough for her. At the same time she's really lonely. I'm her only friend and I don't want to break her heart any further (for the record, it was her who dumped me, though she kind of pretends it was me who did...)

This one, yikes. I know you're trying to be kind, but I think you need to take a break from having contact with your ex for a while. Giving her affectionate attention isn't going to help her, and is likely to keep reopening all the hurts she feels about the break-up. I would suggest telling her you think you two need to take some time apart to heal, and that for the next six months you need to have no contact with each other. After six months, it might be possible to be friends again, but only after a bit of reassessment of where you both stand.
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Post by Autumnflame on Fri Apr 03, 2015 5:51 pm

Unless you have good reason to believe they're in an open relationship, don't ask her out or make hints.

That's just crass.
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[advice] Break-up and crush Empty Re: [advice] Break-up and crush

Post by eselle28 on Fri Apr 03, 2015 6:09 pm

To me, it sounds like you're pouring your emotional energy in two very unproductive directions and that it would be both best for you and kindest toward others to try to find some other outlets for it.

Your friendship with your ex isn't helping your ex. It sounds like it's actively hurting her by making it hard for her to move on and keeps reopening old wounds she has relating to her insecurities about her appearance and about Z. I agree with Caffeinated that a break of six months could be very helpful here.

And, no, you shouldn't ask Z out. You shouldn't ask her to be conscious of your romantic interest in her. She may be already and be ignoring it, but if she's not, let her go about her relationship without having to worry about that. You shouldn't embark on a complicated plan to convince her how awesome you are, either. She's in a relationship, which is an ethical issue. She's also friends with some of your friends and at least one of those people has warned you against taking this outside of the zone of fantasy. From a practical point of view, I think taking this much further than you already have could lead to some real disruptions in your social circle. I'm not saying to completely avoid Z, but I think you'd do best to scale things back a bit, have fun with her when you do see each other, and not make any conscious efforts to win her over.

Instead, I think you should take that energy and that strategy and try to direct it toward meeting new women or showing other women you know who are single how awesome you are. Flirt with other women and if possible date other women. It's the best way to get over oneitis.
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Post by reboundstudent on Fri Apr 03, 2015 6:43 pm

Seconding everything Eselle said.

And for the love of God, don't mention old crushes or current attraction to existing girlfriends. If they ask about it, bring up very nonchalantly and DO NOT emphasize how it "just wasn't meant to be." I admit I am biased in this regard, as I've had several ex boyfriends who would bring up their ex-girlfriends or ex-crushes or current crushes frequently enough that it started feeling deliberately and kind of mean. Most girls will accept that we're human and thus attracted to other people, but not a lot of girls need to HEAR about it, even on an "infrequent" basis.
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[advice] Break-up and crush Empty Re: [advice] Break-up and crush

Post by litterature on Fri Apr 03, 2015 7:49 pm

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[advice] Break-up and crush Empty Re: [advice] Break-up and crush

Post by eselle28 on Fri Apr 03, 2015 8:00 pm

Z: I think that you should pretend that Z is like anyone else in your friend group when you talk to her. Don't avoid her, don't show her special attention, just talk to her the way you'd talk to the men or the women who don't interest you.

Ex: I'd suggest something like, "I don't think our friendship is very healthy right now. I care about you a lot, but I think we both need to take some time to adjust to being exes rather than dating. I'd be up for talking again in six months, but until then I don't think we should call or text each other." She might take it hard. She might be depressed. But this is all inevitable. I don't think you should wait for her to make new friends, because I suspect your relationship may actually be one of the things that's making it harder for you to do so. I also don't think you should try to introduce her to new friends - if she doesn't take to them, it's wasted time and might come off as condescending, and if she does, she might feel she needs to avoid these compatible people afterwards because they're yours rather than hers. Let her find her own way for awhile. That's one of the purposes of a break.
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[advice] Break-up and crush Empty Re: [advice] Break-up and crush

Post by litterature on Sat Apr 04, 2015 4:48 am

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Post by Caffeinated on Sat Apr 04, 2015 2:29 pm

litterature wrote:Hm, yeah, I think the question I actually wanted to ask is more like "what now". Right now I'm a bit overwhelmed with shame, and while I'm sure it won't be this painful after a few days, I think the general feeling that I'm an idiot isn't going to go away. I'll keep on doing the stuff I love so I know I won't be feeling completely terrible but I'm very sad that this is going to stop being about having fun talking to Z and getting to know her better and more about feeling inadequate and putting up a facade and I just don't know how to look her in the face. Basically a shift from being interested in her to thinking about myself and how to avoid screwing up and being all self-conscious. To be honest that's what I feared the most...

You know, I'm thinking that maybe I should just disappear for a while. Meeting Z helped me get some stuff straight, so I made a few decisions and in a few months I'll be hopefully meeting a lot of new people in a new environment, and maybe that can be a good chance and I can just hibernate for the time being.

Lol, this is just so awful.


As for my ex: OK, thanks, I will tell her something along these lines but I hope she believes me and doesn't spin it into "mr beautiful girls hates me".

As for your ex, it's very likely that she will spin it into something you don't like hearing. That's just a thing that happens, and it's best not to try to argue her out of it, but also not something you should take personally. It's one of the weird things about breakups, how you go from having this position of closeness and responsibility in someone's life to not having that place any more.

As for Z, I don't think you should feel ashamed. You're not doing anything wrong by feeling something. And I don't agree that you have to have to disappear, just that you shouldn't tell her about your feelings while she's in a relationship. If it's not fun to hang around with her any more, then sure, don't hang around, but you don't have to concentrate all your energy to putting on a facade. Just, you know, don't blurt out a feelings confession.
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