Screening for educational achievement [Split]

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Post by Archetype694 on Fri Apr 03, 2015 8:02 pm

(I do not mean to thread jack, it seemed silly to create a new thread. If I do need to please let me know)

On the subject on educational achievement, to those that screen for such in their partner is lack of a degree a complete dealbreaker or do you allow for some exceptions?

I ask as I like to consider myself a scholarly nerdy type, someone who has a strong sense of curiosity and who enjoys learning I tend to find such traits attractive in others. I make a equivalent income to someone with a two to four year degree and am working my way up in my field.

It never comes up in conversation as others always assume I am educated but the fact is that I am a high school drop out who just happens to enjoy reading.

I ask as I am dipping my toes into the dating pool and am trying to accurately assess my strengths and weaknesses.

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Post by Autumnflame on Fri Apr 03, 2015 8:28 pm

Like anything else, it'll be a dealbreaker for some and not for others.

I find that those who hold it as an absolute dealbreaker tend to hold slightly classist assumptions about the kind of people who don't go to/complete college and have not had to examine them or had them challenged yet (e.g. assumptions that anyone who speaks in a certain way or holds certain kinds of jobs must have gone to school and vice versa). The same people who might think it's a dealbreaker may reconsider if they find you intelligent and then find out you've never gotten a degree.

It's probably a bit of a weakness in online dating, where you do end up listing your educational attainment and there are people who will screen for that, but in person I think it'll be a neutral/irrelevant factor.

For me personally, educational attainment is neither here nor there; it can be an impressive statement (if you ended up surviving a really tough university) but it's more important to me to be curious, open-minded and interested in learning new things, as that's more relevant to the immediate relationship than past achievements. My SO never graduated college, nor did his best friend, and I enjoy talking and debating with them. It's not that I can never tell the difference between those with a certain level of book-larnin' and those without, but it ends up not mattering too much in practice.
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Post by eselle28 on Fri Apr 03, 2015 8:43 pm

I did when I was younger, particularly when I lived in large cities and moved in circles where having a four year degree was more common than not and screening didn't have much of an effect on the size of my dating pool. I relaxed the assumptions as I met people who "surprised" me (for values of "surprise" directly correlated with Autumnflame's discussion of classism) and as I met even more who had a stack of degrees and who didn't seem to use their brains for anything other than school or work. Then I moved to an area where traits I want in a partner that aren't just vague proxies became difficult to find, and I replaced it entirely with "bright and intellectually curious."

I'd say other women vary widely, and that you will probably run into some women like the younger version of myself. I would say that meeting women in person or skipping the question on online dating will give you the chance to get to know some women who might have education as a dealbreaker but who might consider it after getting to know you. I would suggest you may also want to think about whether that's someone who you want in your dating pool because it gives you more options even if there may be some residual classism and bias to deal with or whether you'd rather have a smaller pool of women who don't come with that issue. Neither's the right answer, it's just something that might influence whether you bring it up sooner rather than later.
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Post by reboot on Fri Apr 03, 2015 8:50 pm

eselle28 wrote:I did when I was younger, particularly when I lived in large cities and moved in circles where having a four year degree was more common than not and screening didn't have much of an effect on the size of my dating pool. I relaxed the assumptions as I met people who "surprised" me (for values of "surprise" directly correlated with Autumnflame's discussion of classism) and as I met even more who had a stack of degrees and who didn't seem to use their brains for anything other than school or work. Then I moved to an area where traits I want in a partner that aren't just vague proxies became difficult to find, and I replaced it entirely with "bright and intellectually curious."
... ..

And apparently once again eselle is me. When I was younger and insecure about my class, I placed great weight on where people went to school and what degrees for friendship and (had I not already been with the ex) relationships.

With age and experience I learned there are a metric fuckton of educated idiots and that degree has no relationship to intelligence or even hard work/ambition sometimes (ever meet a major donor's kid doing a degree in beer bonging?).

However, not everyone figures that out or they value the class/social status of a degree. That is on them for ignoring people they might have been happy with.
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Post by jcorozza on Fri Apr 03, 2015 9:32 pm

I'd say it's not a "hard" dealbreaker for me, either - if your profile comes off as really intelligent, and so does your message, sure. I may at some point ask why you chose not to go that path - if your reason is financial, that's completely understandable, and less likely to matter. If your reason is that you don't find school to be interesting or valuable, then we probably won't get along that well anyway. I work in education, though, and I come from a family of educators, so the idea of intellectual/academic curiosity was drilled in pretty early.

But I've seen the reverse happen - I've found quite a few guys who consider my answer of "finished grad school" to be unacceptable - and that's usually guys who went to four year colleges, too. They don't want me to be more educated than they are. Or, another favorite is to have us both answer that we enjoy intellectual conversations, but have my answer come up in red. So, the guy is...intentionally looking for a dumb girl? Either that or they don't know how to properly answer the questions.

I think geography matters for this, too - where I live, basically everyone goes, so it's unusual if someone didn't go to a 4 year school, and even more unusual if they didn't go for an associate's, either. In other areas, not as many people go to college, so I think the expectations are different.
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Post by Archetype694 on Mon Apr 06, 2015 11:36 pm

Thank you for the input. Smile

My relative lack of education has always been a sore point for me and I had concerns how that would impact my dating prospects. It's nice to see that at the end of the day while some would disqualify me (which is ok, yay for preferences) others would at least allow me the chance to show what I bring to the table.

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Post by jcorozza on Mon Apr 06, 2015 11:59 pm

Your attitude about it will make a huge difference. As long as you don't try to devalue the other person's achievements, I think you'll have a decent pool who won't count you out!
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