Taking a break.

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Taking a break. Empty Taking a break.

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 16, 2015 6:04 pm

I know this does not belong here, but I think I should take a break from this site for a while... I am not angry, just depressed, I believe the best course of action is to clear my head, some how reading my own post kind of shown me what I am starting to become: the very thing I fear.

I ended up using this site, and the people who post here as a crutch, to hide from my insecurities, replacing a professional therapist for people that are in the same situation as I am, or worse, just to get the attention and validation I needed. for that I apologize...

I realize that I really do not want to die, just to be free from this pain, a product of years of physical and emotional abuse and emotional neglect. years of living with a mother that suffered abuse from the hands of my own father, only to end up taking that pain out on me, a sister that criticizes everything I do, shaming me as a fat lazy slob. a nephew who disrespects me in front of everyone, and the most damaging of all, a father who was never there when I was growing up.

The bullying from my high school years has made the emotional wounds worse, eventually culminating in my first suicide attempt, I did not had the intention to die, just to see if somebody, anybody cared. I ended up getting harshly scolded for it, further damaging my already fragile psyche. For most of my life I craved attention, validation affection from everybody, and resenting those who got that validation and affection. I wanted attention and affection so badly, I feigned injury or illness just to get that human touch, the warm feeling of someone caring about me, I failed to realize my potential as a normal human being during my formative years, I enlisted in the Army because I had a sense of duty, being in a country that gave me freedom, I had to give something back to my home. During the training phase, I felt invincible, ready to take on a legion of enemy combatants, for those eight months I was free, free from the screaming, the insults, the beatings, the ridicule. I was surrounded by people who did care about me, people who wanted to see me march down the parade field. All that changed after returning home to PR, my depression, which has subsided and waned while training, got worse, I started drinking, heavily, for 4 years trying to numb the pain. The financial trouble got steadily worse, while being too old to go back to college.

I found the Docs site not long ago, hoping to find a solution to my problem, I wrote to the Doc (The letter was signed PVT SNAFU), I followed his advice intently, hoping for my luck to change overnight. It did not, I was angry that all the advice I read from the Doc did not get me the results. that's where I sign up for the old forums, hoping someone would give me the answer I was looking for. I did help to an extent, but the self hatred would return, I would whine about it and beg for help on the forums, get the advice I needed, not follow up on that advice and the cycle repeats itself. now here on the new forums, I got worse, I ended up almost literally trying to get sympathy from the users, while mentally exhausting myself. I ended up using the people here to satiate my greedy need for validation and affection.

To all the users and mods, Enail, esselle, reboot, I am truly sorry for using you as a crutch for problem that I myself can solve, for almost begging for sympathy and validation, when in reality I have to validate myself.

I also apologize for the Doc for believing that he is a scam artists and spreader of lies when he really DOES give out good advice, I am just too stupid and myopic to realize that true change takes time, and that people especially women are not cruel, evil harpies that only date jocks and douche bags.

I do believe that someone will give me the validation and affection I need, I do know that there are people who are attracted to me, people who see me as a sexy person, people who want to see me improve, people who like me, people who love me. I ended up pushing them away because I was afraid would get hurt. to the wonderful people on this fine forum:

Thank You! Grin

P.S. I'll be back in a few days. don't worry about me. Razz

Now I will leave with a good tune, I consider it my new theme song:

Daiki Kasho - All my Life


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Post by Enail on Thu Apr 16, 2015 6:21 pm

That sounds like a good idea, Alex - I really don't want this forum to be something that holds you back or replaces you getting professional help. Look after yourself, and don't forget we're wishing you well in your absence! Smile
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Post by Gentleman Johnny on Thu Apr 16, 2015 8:08 pm

Taking a break. Tumblr_lqvsxwJkyp1qa78o3o1_500

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Post by reboot on Thu Apr 16, 2015 11:06 pm

Big hugs and best wishes, Alex!!! I really like you from what I know of you here and wish you the very best. I think you are stronger, better and more capable than you know. I hope you see yourself as I do some day.
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Post by Werel on Thu Apr 16, 2015 11:32 pm

Take care of yourself, Alex-- we'll be here. And reboot is right: you are stronger than you think you are. Smile
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Post by gaboz on Fri Apr 17, 2015 3:38 am

Excellent post. It already shows promise to a better you. Take all the time you need.

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Post by Hirundo Bos on Fri Apr 17, 2015 5:27 am

Hey, Alex, the ability to see when a thing like these forums start to hurt more than help, and then step away for a while, that's a really good ability to have. A sign of growth. And the forums will still be here when you return!
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Post by PintsizeBro on Fri Apr 17, 2015 12:02 pm

Alex, you're not a bad guy. I hope to see you again after you've taken some time to get your head straight. And I hope some day you can really believe what I told you: the best years of your life are ahead of you, not behind you.

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Post by eselle28 on Fri Apr 17, 2015 2:47 pm

Best wishes, Alex. Take care of yourself during your break, and we'll be happy to see you back when you are feeling up to returning to the site.
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Post by Guest on Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:12 pm

*peeks out from cover* Is it safe to come back?


Taking a break. 35--ol11

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Post by kleenestar on Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:35 pm

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
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Post by Enail on Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:46 pm

Come on in, the water's nice!
Taking a break. Cat-Loves-Swimming-Around-The-Bath-Tub
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Post by PintsizeBro on Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:52 pm

Oh my god that's a kitty swimming in a bathtub. That's so cute!

Welcome back, Alex.

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Post by Guest on Thu Apr 23, 2015 10:05 pm

Enail wrote:Come on in, the water's nice!
Taking a break. Cat-Loves-Swimming-Around-The-Bath-Tub

Well, in that case...

Taking a break. Cheeta10

CANNONBALL!!!

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Post by Werel on Thu Apr 23, 2015 10:05 pm

Party Welcome back!
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Post by reboot on Thu Apr 23, 2015 10:18 pm

Welcome back cheers cheers cheers Hope you are feeling better!
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Post by jcorozza on Fri Apr 24, 2015 7:33 am

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