Broken (The most pathetic person on the planet strikes again!)

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Broken (The most pathetic person on the planet strikes again!)

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 16, 2015 11:34 pm

Yeah I get it, I'm a relentless pile of negativity and I'm broken and blah blah blah. That's all that's left.

Considering my past couple days, drinking and smoking weed has become my primary way to stop feeling.

Apart from work and school, I have the motivation to do nothing else. I sleep, a lot more than I used to. I fantasize about sleep.

I keep thinking things can't get worse, but they always do.

I am so fucking broken, the pain I'm feeling is unimaginable. I don't know how to keep going for another day, it's all too much.

I literally just sat in my car and cried for two hours straight, no warning. There's nothing left. I am nothing. I am nothingness. Life is eternal suffering, I don't know what to do.

I'm just so goddamn scared that this is the rest of my life, I'm literally drowning and I don't know what to do. The therapist isn't helping, every instinct just screams at me to hide away from the world and stop going to work and school. I hate everything and everyone.

I have no friends. I don't talk to anyone. I interact with no one. I go to school and work and sleep, praying that I won't wake up. And I do. I'm being tortured with existence.

I don't want to be like that. I've tried for so long to hang on and I'm not strong enough. I literally can't keep going another day unless I know what to change. I need immediate change for the better, I can't keep living in such a hell, I just can't.

I don't know what to do and I'm so fucking alone and scared and alone and scared and alone and scared

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Re: Broken (The most pathetic person on the planet strikes again!)

Post by Enail on Thu Apr 16, 2015 11:57 pm

Glides, things are not going to be like this for the rest of your life. I know that that feels meaningless when it's not right now and you're suffering so much, but things will change, and I suspect some of the things you've been working on recently are helping things change, under the surface, even if it doesn't feel like it, even if it feels like it's making things worse (sometimes productive therapy results in temporary extra turmoil, in fact)

Is there anything going on that might be triggering this wave of bad feelings?
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Re: Broken (The most pathetic person on the planet strikes again!)

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 17, 2015 1:05 pm

Enail wrote:Glides, things are not going to be like this for the rest of your life. I know that that feels meaningless when it's not right now and you're suffering so much, but things will change, and I suspect some of the things you've been working on recently are helping things change, under the surface, even if it doesn't feel like it, even if it feels like it's making things worse (sometimes productive therapy results in temporary extra turmoil, in fact)

Is there anything going on that might be triggering this wave of bad feelings?

Just a little bit of everything, I guess. The pressure is unbelievable and every day at school includes a threat that "you better fucking get your act together and make something good so this school looks good and fuck your feelings." We're not valued here, we're just a commodity spitting back tuition checks. And while that's all colleges, it still makes me feel like I mean nothing to anyone.

Add in work and the lack of a love life and the everything and I feel like I'm going to explode at any given second and I have no idea what to do about it, especially since I've been blabbing away here for the past couple years, incessantly pissing off the entire forum. I don't seem capable of positive emotion.

I do feel bad about it whenever I ramble, because it pisses off everyone here who's looking for positive solutions and then there's me, in the corner quietly dying. So the title explains me in a single word, defective toy, crushed car, something to be disposed of and forgotten.

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Re: Broken (The most pathetic person on the planet strikes again!)

Post by Enail on Fri Apr 17, 2015 1:57 pm

So, between school and work, you're in a really high-stress situation. It's natural that when you're operating beyond your manageable stress level for a long period, it's going to affect your ability to cope, it's going to make you feel like you're drowning.

So that means two things:

1. This is not going to be the rest of your life, it is a specific situation that will last a specific amount of time and then things will change. When you feel desperate about the rest of your life being like this, remind yourself that that's not true, that the external stressors will change and that that can make a real difference.  

2. If it's doing you too much harm, you can stop. I know that dropping out or even taking a leave of absence from school is a drastic option and that it would make you feel pretty awful, but it is a legitimate option to cut down on external stress if you reach a point where you really can't take it anymore. It's something many people do and go on to have good, successful lives.

WRT your college, institutions don't care. It's not a reflection on your worth, it's just not something they're capable of doing. Individual instructors and other members of the institution may care, because some people do very much care about their students and want them to succeed. In fact, for some people, that's the most important part of their job. So if you need some personal support for your success as a student, that might be something you can seek out. Try the tutoring centre if there is one. I'm not sure what kinds of library-type resources are relevant to your field (maybe film libraries?)  but research librarians looooove to show people how to find stuff and recommend resources. Visit your favourite teachers in office hours with some questions or advice on how you can improve in a topic related to their course - seeking them out and showing that you're interested in learning is a big part of forming a good student-teacher relationship where they care about your success.

Also, give yourself breaks! Set yourself some time every day, even if it's just a little while, where you have permission to not worry about anything stressful, to not think about school or work or your love life. And do something easy that you find relaxing or fun. Look at cute or funny videos. Reread a book you've read a million times before. Play some mindless game. You need to give yourself breaks from stress. That's part of handling stress, you can't just power through that stuff all the time.

You are not defective, you are not an object to be disposed of and forgotten. This is hard. It's okay that you're struggling. You can get through this; make your wellbeing your first priority.
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Re: Broken (The most pathetic person on the planet strikes again!)

Post by Andrew Corvero on Sat Apr 18, 2015 6:07 pm

I do feel bad about it whenever I ramble, because it pisses off everyone here who's looking for positive solutions and then there's me, in the corner quietly dying. So the title explains me in a single word, defective toy, crushed car, something to be disposed of and forgotten.

I don't think you should feel bad for saying anything. You're under a tremendous amount of stress, internal and external, and it's only natural that you want to vent your frustrations in an outlet where you're not judged.

And for what it's worth from a random person on the Internet: I don't think you're broken, pathetic, or defective. I think you're suffering. And suffering, sadly, is part of life. You are going through a lot of pain, and it's really horrible that you have to feel so bad.

But I just want you to say this to you:

I believe in you. I believe that you are stronger that you think you are. Even if you don't see it now, there's something about you which is amazing. You are, after all, working AND studying. I know many people who couldn't do those two things together for a week.

You're also doing both things while fighting against every instincts of your brain. That is pretty heroic, if you ask me. And you're brave enough to know you need help and go to therapy while juggling school and work. Many thing people are too scared to admit their weaknesses to go to a therapist. You're not.

I believe in you. I believe that you are stronger that you think you are. And I believe that you can get better, and you will.

So if you need to vent and rant here to feel better, do it. You're not "pissing off" the forum. You're telling us how much you suffer. And you are not alone. We're here for you.
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Re: Broken (The most pathetic person on the planet strikes again!)

Post by eselle28 on Fri Apr 24, 2015 2:43 pm

<mod>Glides, I had to split and delete your latest post. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much right now, but it's just not something that this forum is equipped to handle.</mod>
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