Behavioral Pattern Issues

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Behavioral Pattern Issues Empty Behavioral Pattern Issues

Post by Gman on Tue Apr 21, 2015 5:13 pm

So I decided to create this thread because today's session with my therapist gave birth to an interesting point that gave me A LOT of food for thought and I feel like sharing it with the good folks of this forum.
On the lastest Doc's post called "How To Avoid Getting The Fade" – I commented and shared a recent date story that I felt was relevant to the comment section (you can find it under my commenting username "SalsaGman").

However, when I shared this story with my therapist, I was quite surprised when she told me that she doesn't think that this was an incompatibility issue like I think it was – she believes that I most likely "overwhelmed" the women that I just dated by being too direct and "overly eager" with her right from the start. By texting me that it was about her "religion" my date was basically rejecting me because it was too much intense for her to handle right from the get go, while minimizing as much as possible the sting of the rejection.

At first I was perplexed (and a bit angry to be honest) as to why she thinks this way – she explained that this has been a certain behavioral pattern of mine during several previous first dates that I had described to her in the past. I asked her to give some examples and she mentioned 4 first dates that I told about, where I also tried to make a move on the first date and it didn't end up in a second date. I obviously felt that this wasn't a fair comparison, because during those dates (who were a long time ago), there wasn't even half of the chemistry I had with the last women I dated (and I was a lot less wise than I am today). She didn't mean to say this as criticism of me or that she was even right with her theory, but just something to keep in mind as a potential pattern that I may have going on here. She said that because I am so used to getting to know women from the dance scene on a more physical level first and only then on the more emotional level, then maybe I am transferring that mindset towards people who aren't in the dance scene at all and don't relate to that kind of method of trying to connect.

This got me wondering big time. Because the doc also always likes to harp the good old message – "If you are constantly winding up empty handed, the only common thing about these failures, are you yourself". On the other hand, I feel that this way of communicating and being a bit more physical right from the get go feels like 100% true and real to who I feel I really am and how I feel is right to communicate. I am saying this because this last date that I had was hands down, the best first date I have ever had. I honestly believe that it WAS an incompatibility thing and not a problematic behavioral pattern like my therapist is suggesting. The reason I feel like this is due to the way my date responded when I kissed her – there was no hesitation, no limp or frozen response (which indicates that she is uncomfortable with it but too shy to tell me a straight "stop" or "no thanks"), but rather a VERY enthusiastic body language kind of response, it was so obvious it kind of made me laugh in retrospect.

So I am just feeling extremely confused and frustrated. I know my therapist isn't forcing me to think like this and it's just more food for thought. But I honestly and passionately believe that the way I acted during my last date was EXACTLY how I wanted to act. I wasn't 100% me in the sense of being a "raw, unedited and not censored" version of myself, but rather a 100% "Fun, Attractive and Respectful" version of myself.
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Post by reboot on Tue Apr 21, 2015 5:21 pm

I think your therapist is off the mark and you should trust the words of your date and your impressions. And I think she might be projecting her issues into your session
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Post by eselle28 on Tue Apr 21, 2015 5:40 pm

When I read the story about the religious woman, I believed her and I believed your interpretation of events. I think that in this case, your therapist was off the mark. I've found it to be quite uncommon for people to use religion as an excuse when the real reason was a lack of interest. Most people I know who are religious enough to identify as such take their faith too seriously to use it like that, especially when there are so many other easy excuses to decline a date.

It's possible that, as it applies to your other dates, your therapist has picked up on something that's gone wrong there - or maybe not and she's extrapolating. I'd also say that even if she's correct, there are a couple of potential solutions to this dilemma. One would be to wait a bit on the physical contact. The other would be to decide that this is a key part of who you are and how you interact with people, and to treat it as a valid screening device that ensures you'll mostly go on second dates with women who interact with people in the same way you do.
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Post by Enail on Tue Apr 21, 2015 5:42 pm

I agree with Reboot. It does sound like you have a very enthusiastic, physical way of flirting/dating, and I think that is likely to be overly intense for some people or otherwise not what they're into, but it also sounds like it works well at helping you connect with people in a way that's authentic to you and people who don't like that may just not be compatible with you. A pattern, I suppose, but a pattern of behavior that is attractive for some people and not compatible but not harmful with others doesn't really seem like a problem kind of pattern.
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Post by Gman on Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:36 am

Wow, thanks for the responses everyone. I have this tendency to doubt myself in almost everything that I do. I don't know why. I feel that most other people have more life experience than me in general, so I tend to simply accept what they say at face value and I have a difficult time resisting ideas that don't seem to fit me right, under the assumption that I am inexperienced, I don't know jack about life, so I should listen to others......

Another point as to why I believe it was a compatibility thing is that in her text message she writes "You're clearly a very special person". I believe that that indicates that she was at the very least quite impressed from me in general, otherwise why would she write something like that?
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Post by PintsizeBro on Wed Apr 22, 2015 11:54 am

I think Eselle makes a very good point. Religious people tend to take their faith seriously and it strikes me as unlikely that your date would have used religion as an excuse if the real reason were lack of interest.

Enail raises a good point too, that it sounds like you are very physical in how you flirt, but some people are going to like that so it's not necessarily a bad thing, especially since it comes so naturally to you. Sure, you could change it, but I'm not convinced that you should.

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Post by reboot on Wed Apr 22, 2015 12:59 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:I think Eselle makes a very good point. Religious people tend to take their faith seriously and it strikes me as unlikely that your date would have used religion as an excuse if the real reason were lack of interest.

Enail raises a good point too, that it sounds like you are very physical in how you flirt, but some people are going to like that so it's not necessarily a bad thing, especially since it comes so naturally to you. Sure, you could change it, but I'm not convinced that you should.

I agree. I think it is a good screening tool in this case. Gman, I suspect you would like to be high touch and physically affectionate in a relationship, beyond what you are in flirting. If someone does not like the level of physicality in your flirting style, the odds are high that you would not match in a relationship either.

I also agree with Eselle. Religious people do not tend to use religion as an excuse. It means too much to them to lie about it.
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