I am so incredibly stupid

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Post by Werel on Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:34 pm

Glides wrote:
So anyway, how's your sex life?

<mod> Nope. Go review the rules with attention to the bits about personal attacks. Any more of that's gonna net you a temp ban.</mod>

Glides wrote:
Easier said than done, hoss. I've been trying for two goddamn decades and look where we are.

Picturing Glides at 0-5 years old trying to get laid is a pretty hilarious image. Precocious lil' scamp, you musta been. Laughing
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Post by Andrew Corvero on Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:40 pm

Which should I be: a Nice Guy being kind to get into girls' pants, or an asshole bluntly stating what he wants (albeit in a respectful manner and not "AY GURL U SHYT WIT DAT ASS?!") One of those is what the Doc recommends

Being blunt in a respectful manner isn't the same as being an asshole. At least for me.

Thing is, I used to be selfless. Not for the sake of being selfless or kind, for the sake of thinking that being caring and compassionate would make people like me. In a way, it was far more manipulative that way since I still didn't give a fuck about people aside from what they thought about me. And naturally, I was used a lot. Every time someone asked for a favor, I did it. I bent over backwards for people, desperate for approval, and it hurt me a lot to do this.

That's not being selfless, that's having no self esteem and expecting that others fill a void they can never fill.

Honesty is not sweet or kind or caring, honesty is blunt and painful. It's a good kind of pain, it's a bigger side of respect than just kissing ass.

Brutal honesty is certainly better than ass-kissing, but it isn't always the best way to deal with things. At least IMHO.

Yes, everyone should be nicer. Humanity as a whole is not capable of such an outpouring of positive emotion, only when something absolutely horrific happens.

And being in pain isn't horrific? There was no ass kissing here, just me noticing you felt like shit. Which you did.

The best example of that is Watchmen, the entire point of that being that people are assholes unless a lot of people get hurt at any given time.

Or maybe the point is that trying to get people hurt to bring people together (giant squid from space) might not work, but random acts of kindness (saving people from a burning building) may work, at least a little and for a while.
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Post by Andrew Corvero on Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:42 pm

<mod> Nope. Go review the rules with attention to the bits about personal attacks. Any more of that's gonna net you a temp ban.</mod>

That wasn't a personal attack, it was yet another reference to The Room. Smile
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Post by Guest on Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:44 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
<mod> Nope. Go review the rules with attention to the bits about personal attacks. Any more of that's gonna net you a temp ban.</mod>

That wasn't a personal attack, it was yet another reference to The Room. Smile



Correct. ;D

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Post by Werel on Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:53 pm

Aiight, apologies, Glides; I hereby unslap your wrist. Still, never hurts anybody to go re-read the rules. Razz
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Post by Guest on Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:54 pm

Werel wrote:Aiight, apologies, Glides; I hereby unslap your wrist. Still, never hurts anybody to go re-read the rules. Razz

I'll read the rules if you watch The Room. Razz

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Post by Gman on Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:54 pm

Glides I would just like to add to your perspective the fact that the first time I even got anywhere NEAR being successfull with a women, was right before my 26th birthday. 26! Hell, at times I used to have some thoughts just as bad as you tend to have today. So I just wanted to remind you of that as some food for thought - that you aren't a "hopeless case" or whatever it is you believe that defines your current situation.
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Post by PintsizeBro on Sun Apr 26, 2015 8:52 pm

Gman is right. I like to tell people that life begins at 21. Razz The exact number isn't as important. But there's no shame in reaching your 20's a virgin. Adolescence is a wash for so many people, you can blame a combination of biology and our culture.


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Post by Guest on Mon Apr 27, 2015 4:20 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:Gman is right. I like to tell people that life begins at 21. Razz The exact number isn't as important. But there's no shame in reaching your 20's a virgin. Adolescence is a wash for so many people, you can blame a combination of biology and our culture.


I've said this before, but pretending that I have sex tomorrow, I don't want a learning curve, I don't want awkwardness, I don't want to do terribly or else I'll be ditched unless the girl is even more insecure than I am.

I've heard stories of girls who dig virgins because they can "train" them, and that just sounds disgusting to me. I don't want to be "trained."

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Post by PintsizeBro on Mon Apr 27, 2015 4:33 pm

That's a false dilemma. There are possible outcomes other than "everything is perfect," and "she ditches you." Even with sexually experienced people, the first time with a new partner typically involves some awkwardness and a bit of a learning curve. That's just the nature of doing anything with another person because everyone is different.

There are some things you can do on your own to prepare physically, but that's less important than working on your attitude. For one, keep in mind that there are plenty of people out there who are sexually experienced but are still bad in bed. I guarantee that when you find yourself doing the sex with a lady type human, as long as you pay attention to her and try to do things she likes, you'll be better in bed than more experienced guys who don't pay attention.

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Post by Gman on Mon Apr 27, 2015 4:41 pm

Glides wrote:
PintsizeBro wrote:Gman is right. I like to tell people that life begins at 21. Razz The exact number isn't as important. But there's no shame in reaching your 20's a virgin. Adolescence is a wash for so many people, you can blame a combination of biology and our culture.


I've said this before, but pretending that I have sex tomorrow, I don't want a learning curve, I don't want awkwardness, I don't want to do terribly or else I'll be ditched unless the girl is even more insecure than I am.

I've heard stories of girls who dig virgins because they can "train" them, and that just sounds disgusting to me. I don't want to be "trained."

It's only a "learning curve" or being "trained" if you actually think about it and treat it like one. When the moment of truth was upon me - I didn't worry about "oh shit I don't know jack she is SOOO going to dump me ahufihewfsghphy1" or freaked out in any similar way. The only thing that went through my head was "HOLY SHIT, THIS SMOKING HOT LADY WANTS TO BONE ME REALLY GOOD - Alright! Let's do this! (enter obligitory Leeroy Jenkins refrence). That was my mentality. I was VERY nervous during the first minutes but once I accepted a positive mentality to it fullest - it was a pretty great expereince. I actually told her about me being "inexperienced" (and that's how I exactly phrased it, didn't go into the details) beforehand a date earlier, but even if I didn't do so, when shit is going down, it doesn't really matter: the only thing that matters is if your brain is in the right place thought wise.

Oh and I'm sorry to burst your bubble - but it will be awkward. That is something inevitable and I think probably happens to everyone, eventually, even if it isn't on the first or second time. Once again - it all comes down to mentality. You can freak the F out, or you can acknowledge it and laugh it off or treat it like no biggie - that's what I did and suprise suprise, I didn't get dumped on the spot.

Also, here's a free pro tip: ASK HER WHAT SHE LIKES AND HOW and do it with this knowing tone and smile. That's what I did. It worked like goddamn magic for me. This allows you to learn the technicalities and everything, while still saving face and not making it into something that is "training mode".
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Post by Guest on Mon Apr 27, 2015 4:46 pm

Glides wrote:
I've heard stories of girls who dig virgins because they can "train" them, and that just sounds disgusting to me. I don't want to be "trained."

Then don't think of it as being "trained". I think of it as learning if she's more experienced than you, I honestly wouldn't mind being trained or taught. But that's just me.

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Post by Guest on Mon Apr 27, 2015 4:48 pm

Glides wrote:I've said this before, but pretending that I have sex tomorrow, I don't want a learning curve, I don't want awkwardness, I don't want to do terribly or else I'll be ditched unless the girl is even more insecure than I am.

So, I don't want to speak for the other women here, but in my personal experience as a woman, that's not really how it works. I don't want to "train" men, because that sounds gross and tedious and frustrating. I understand that for some people, that's their thing. Groovy, I say, but it's not for me.

I also don't think I'm terribly insecure? I mean, I have my issues, but I'm fairly sure that if my boyfriend, whom I love, told me tomorrow that it was over, I would be sad for a while, have some ice cream and pina coladas, take some long hikes, cry, and then reorient towards the future with hope that there's new love there for me.

And I have had some REALLY TERRIBLE sex. Like, brutally, miserably bad. Like... painful. Physically. With a recovery period to heal. And I didn't ditch the guy. I just kind of took some time with him, said, "Okay, well, that was... not so much working?" And we made it work. If you're doing sex with someone you like and who likes you, sex isn't like a roll on a D20, and if you get a 15 or above after your seduction modifier, you succeed. Sex is a thing that takes time and communication. And yeah, sometimes you're going to accidentally kick your partner in the head. Or fart during oral sex. Or develop a debilitating leg cramp at just the wrong minute. Or roll off your partner, realize you're headed off the bed, shriek, claw for purchase, and leave fingernail gouges on his chest on your way to bashing your head on his nightstand and crashing to the floor.

Not, um, that all of those things have happened to me at some point.

But the sex could still be enjoyable, even when we were fucking up literally every part of it, because we liked each other and it was an activity we were doing together. We could laugh about it, like when we accidentally went to a really awful movie.

Even when you've been doing it for a while, sex is still something people screw up. It's complicated! There are a lot of moving parts! Bodies don't always do exactly what we need them do.

My first time with a new partner is almost always awkward.

Don't set your standards for yourself so impossibly high that you'll never reach them. I also think it's worth asking yourself: are you setting your self-expectations so high deliberately, because if they're unattainable, you NEVER have to say you're ready to go into the ring and risk getting hit?

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Post by eselle28 on Mon Apr 27, 2015 4:56 pm

The "being trained" thing is a vibe, and it really doesn't have much to do with experience. You can have it present in your first sexual experiences. You can have some other atmosphere during those experiences. You can have the "training" vibe when you're in your 40s or 50s and have had a ton of partners - some people enjoy that sort of thing.

I also think it's important to challenge a couple of other ideas. First of all, there are a ton of young women who don't know what they're doing in bed. Having sex doesn't necessarily make you an expert. Hell, there are some considerably older women who don't have much sexual experience or who have a decent bit of it but only over a narrow range of activities (this can happen either from having a small number of long relationships or a large number of very short ones).

Second, there is no magic feather that will eliminate learning curves and awkwardness from sex. I've had quite a lot of partners and have been with similarly experienced guys, and there's still been a learning curve, sometimes a fairly steep one. That's definitely been the case for my current relationship, where we both had to be pretty patient with each other while we figured out what worked for us as a couple. And the possibility of awkwardness never entirely goes away. You can be married to someone for decades and still have something happen that's a bit embarrassing. If anything, I'd say the thing people pick up over time is how to let those awkward moments go rather than turn them into stumbling blocks.
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Post by Enail on Mon Apr 27, 2015 4:59 pm

Seconding everyone else on this. Awkward =/= failure. Media depictions of sex rarely show people being silly and laughing during sex, but bodies are ridiculous, sex is ridiculous, it's good to have fun with it and roll with whatever awkwardness happens, because chances are that there will be some awkwardness your first time with a given partner, even if it's not your first time overall.
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Post by reboot on Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:29 pm

Enail wrote:Seconding everyone else on this. Awkward =/= failure. Media depictions of sex rarely show people being silly and laughing during sex, but bodies are ridiculous, sex is ridiculous, it's good to have fun with it and roll with whatever awkwardness happens, because chances are that there will be some awkwardness your first time with a given partner, even if it's not your first time overall.

The boob fart, the queef, the actual fart, premature ejaculation, cum going in eyes/up noses, the "I just banged my head into your teeth/your nose/the edge of the table", the "I just kneed you in the balls changing positions", etc do not get a lot of play in media but happen, sometimes frequently in the same sexing.

Just accept that this will happen and let the fears of awkward go.
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Post by Werel on Tue Apr 28, 2015 8:04 pm

reboot wrote:
The boob fart

... confused
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Post by eselle28 on Tue Apr 28, 2015 8:53 pm

Werel wrote:
reboot wrote:
The boob fart

... confused

That funny sound that can happen when your body rubs against someone else's! Wink wink nudge nudg
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Post by reboot on Tue Apr 28, 2015 10:18 pm

eselle28 wrote:
Werel wrote:
reboot wrote:
The boob fart

... confused

That funny sound that can happen when your body rubs against someone else's! Wink wink nudge nudg

Yep. Can kind of turn cleavage into a whoopee cushion
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Post by Guest on Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:34 am


ElizaJane wrote:

So, I don't want to speak for the other women here, but in my personal experience as a woman, that's not really how it works.  I don't want to "train" men, because that sounds gross and tedious and frustrating.  I understand that for some people, that's their thing.  Groovy, I say, but it's not for me.

If i ever get with a woman, she'd probably have to train me since I wouldn't have the natural instincts of an experienced partner. Thus I'd be gross and tedious and frustrating and wouldn't know how not to be those things.  

And I have had some REALLY TERRIBLE sex.  Like, brutally, miserably bad.  Like... painful.  Physically.  With a recovery period to heal.  And I didn't ditch the guy.  I just kind of took some time with him, said, "Okay, well, that was... not so much working?"  And we made it work.  If you're doing sex with someone you like and who likes you, sex isn't like a roll on a D20, and if you get a 15 or above after your seduction modifier, you succeed.  

How you tolerated those men takes an inner strength I don't have nor will I ever have.

And that's kinda what it seems like to an outsider looking in, like a dice roll. Only one good side and the rest end in failure. It looks so unbelievably complex and difficult to perform, like being in Cirque de Soleil while defusing a bomb.

Don't set your standards for yourself so impossibly high that you'll never reach them.  I also think it's worth asking yourself: are you setting your self-expectations so high deliberately, because if they're unattainable, you NEVER have to say you're ready to go into the ring and risk getting hit?

I might, that's an interesting thought. The problem is not wanting to be rejected and disappointing her my first time, and the older I get the more likely it is to happen, so...yes.



eselle28 wrote:
Werel wrote:
reboot wrote:
The boob fart

... confused

That funny sound that can happen when your body rubs against someone else's! Wink wink nudge nudg

How does the virgin know this and not the sexually experienced one? You're like Indiana Jones compared to my actual boring old stuffy historian who has never been inside of a tomb...wow that's a horrible metaphor.

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Post by Guest on Wed Apr 29, 2015 3:22 am

eselle28 wrote:
That funny sound that can happen when your body rubs against someone else's! Wink wink nudge nudg

reboot wrote:

Yep. Can kind of turn cleavage into a whoopee cushion

I am so incredibly stupid - Page 2 FVjQNtg

This is why I still hangout here. Razz

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Post by Guest on Wed Apr 29, 2015 9:35 am

Glides wrote:
ElizaJane wrote:

So, I don't want to speak for the other women here, but in my personal experience as a woman, that's not really how it works.  I don't want to "train" men, because that sounds gross and tedious and frustrating.  I understand that for some people, that's their thing.  Groovy, I say, but it's not for me.

If i ever get with a woman, she'd probably have to train me since I wouldn't have the natural instincts of an experienced partner. Thus I'd be gross and tedious and frustrating and wouldn't know how not to be those things.  

Right, but... that's not what I'm saying.  Sex with an inexperienced partner isn't training them.  It's learning together what the two of you like, and trying things out, and learning how to make each other happy.

Training has the implication of one-sided instruction, and the reason it sounds gross is that I don't want to be some kind of elevated person calling the show.  Will your partner have to teach you things?  Yes.  But -- here's the thing -- you will have to teach her things, too.  Because no matter how experienced she is, you will know more than her about what feels good TO YOU.  So when you're in the moment, and she's going, "Ooh, okay, yes, but... okay, tilt a little that -- ah! Yes!  There!" you will be saying, "Okay, wait, slow down -- that's... okay, I'm liking that, but, um, harder?" and you will be learning each other.  I feel like you want a rulebook that if you study it long enough and do the right exercises, you will become Good At Sex.  But there is no Good At Sex.  There is Good At Sex with this person, and everybody has to reset and learn from a new partner.

Glides wrote:
ElizaJane wrote:And I have had some REALLY TERRIBLE sex.  Like, brutally, miserably bad.  Like... painful.  Physically.  With a recovery period to heal.  And I didn't ditch the guy.  I just kind of took some time with him, said, "Okay, well, that was... not so much working?"  And we made it work.  If you're doing sex with someone you like and who likes you, sex isn't like a roll on a D20, and if you get a 15 or above after your seduction modifier, you succeed.  

How you tolerated those men takes an inner strength I don't have nor will I ever have.

But it DOESN'T take inner strength!  It takes affection for the guy and an understanding that we all hurt each other sometimes.  People forgive people who hurt them all the time.

The number of injuries I've received from people who care about me, physical and emotional, is huge.  My best friend accidentally punched me in the nose one time.  My brother ripped my earring out of my ear THE WRONG WAY.  I have done the same to others.  I once knocked my 4-year-old son into water over his head.  We don't stop touching because one time we hurt each other.

Sex isn't any different.  People fuck up.  Things don't work the way we hoped.  We pick ourselves up, dust off, and try again.

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Post by eselle28 on Wed Apr 29, 2015 6:53 pm

I also think it's worth noting that some of the specific examples we've been discussing are on the injury-causing side of things, which is on the far end of bad sex. Even that can be something people get past if they care about each other, but I also think it's worth spending some time thinking about moderately terrible sex.

Sometimes, it's more just that people's bodies don't work the way they expect them to or they haven't figured out quite how to please their partner, and situations like that can still be on the whole fairly positive. I know that I've had some initial sexual encounters that were, well, not up to the quality of sex I'd want to have on a regular basis but that I still had a good feeling about. Something like, "Well, that didn't quite go as planned, but we obviously have have crazy chemistry and it'll be amazing to finally spend the night together," or, "Looks like we've still got some things to figure out, but that definitely went better than the last time we tried it," isn't the best case scenario. It's also not the worst case scenario or something that needs to end your interactions with someone.
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Post by BasedBuzzed on Wed Apr 29, 2015 10:10 pm

>you will have to teach her things
This. I've simulated blowjob stuff on a spray can of lady's deodorant to give a basic how-to. You'll probably gain the power to laugh off awkward or ridiculous stuff pretty quickly.

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Post by Guest on Wed Apr 29, 2015 11:08 pm

ElizaJane wrote: I feel like you want a rulebook that if you study it long enough and do the right exercises, you will become Good At Sex.  But there is no Good At Sex.  There is Good At Sex with this person, and everybody has to reset and learn from a new partner.

That's exactly what I want. I mean, what use is watching every instructional video you can find (it's really the only porn I watch, and I'm not watching it for my enjoyment), studying every possible technique, trying to memorize literally everything if you'll panic and forget it all assuming the moment happens?

I just want to be able to compensate for what I lack. A man with a tiny dick compensates for that tiny dick by learning how to eat a girl out, I compensate for my virginity by being so good at it that no one even suspected it was my first time.

What I'm even more worried about is that this entirely nonexistent girl will be the kind to expect the man to magically play her like a flute and hit every note, or else she'll publicly humiliate him and thus keep him from ever having sex again. And the jerkbrain reasons that there's no reason to risk such humiliation, since I am a beta male (yeah I went there) and have no self-esteem whatsoever.

Or even worse, a Dead Starfish type. The kind who doesn't tell me what she likes, who expects me to be telepathic.

Sex comes off like an instinctual and natural process for everyone else, the way you describe it sounds as automatically learned as a baby deer learning to walk within seconds. It's like describing to me how to breath oxygen or have a heartbeat.


ElizaJane wrote:

But it DOESN'T take inner strength!  It takes affection for the guy and an understanding that we all hurt each other sometimes.  People forgive people who hurt them all the time.

I don't think the people I know are like that. It's a very "do one thing wrong and never talk to me again" kind of environment. It's the way I am by default, I don't tend to forgive and I hold grudges simply because it takes too much effort to forgive.

I've ended friendships over some pretty trivial things, honestly. Girl tries to get me to masturbate over webcam in order for her to emasculate me? I cut her off. (No, I wasn't misreading things, don't even start it). Coworker I go on a date with uses me for free food and a way to avoid a creepy ex? Cut the fuck off. In my personal history, all it takes to ruin any kind of permanent interaction with a person is one mistake or fuckup. So I simply do the same to others because I don't want to be hurt first. And this doesn't hurt anyone I do it to, me cutting off people doesn't hurt them.

So in a bedroom situation, one wrong thrust or one wrong movement or me finishing early for whatever reason, one fuckup seems like a perfectly good excuse to disgust a girl with standards and expectations and then leading to inevitable public humiliation (why I assume every possible girl I sleep with will do this is strange) and then no one speaks to me ever again. "Glides is such a terrible lover," POW. No one else wants me, my confidence goes into negative digits and I die. That's the nightmare. It's a silly nightmare considering I could get raped and tortured and killed, but I prefer those to public humiliation by a woman. I've been publicly humiliated by women for expressing even the slightest bit of interest in the past. To where people around us were literally pointing and laughing at me. Classic second wave feminist quote "man's greatest fear is humiliation, women's greatest fear is death" and so on. Accurate quote.

No, obviously it's not all women. Duh. Don't even jump to that conclusion.

BasedBuzzed wrote:>you will have to teach her things
This. I've simulated blowjob stuff on a spray can of lady's deodorant to give a basic how-to. You'll probably gain the power to laugh off awkward or ridiculous stuff pretty quickly.

I would never do that. My sexual standards are "as long as you don't gross me out or physically injure me, I'll take whatever you're offering." I don't care how I'm blown or fucked or whatever, it's entirely about being able to say to myself "I'm a real man." Even if it's not the opinion of the forum, just the rest of the world.

My point being: considering who I am, I don't really have the right to ask for anything beyond that. Not until I've proven myself to my partner. My own sexual pleasure is more or less meaningless as long as I perform beyond expectations. Not bragging rights, I'm not in it for fist pumps or whatever. I'm in it for saying to whoever asks "I'm sexually active" and not have to fight the urge to dart my eyes. I'm a good liar, I'd just prefer not to have to anymore. And in the Deep South, lying is the only way to maintain a social life.

See: the word "virgin" being used in place of "faggot" or "homo" publicly. You guys always doubt me when I say that virgin-shaming is real. It's real because it's socially acceptable. Sex is power down here. I'm never lying about that. The reason why Alex from Puerto Rico is so scared is because it's even worse down there than it is here, virgins are shunned and isolated if they're men. They're isolated if they have casual sex if they're women (or called prudes in the reverse). It's a regressive shithole. So that's why whenever he posts, I'm immediately backing him up.

All I'm saying is that I can't afford to have even one poor sexual experience at my age, with my experience. I can at 14, when there's margin for error, when you're expected to be terrible. Teenagers are allowed to be terrible at sex, not adults. They're as much judgmental and gossipy little bitches as the teens are.

You can think I'm exaggerating all you want, I really am not. Maybe up north or in Europe or wherever the fuck you people live it's OK to suck, not here. Girls and guys alike will trash-talk any failure in sexual performance (which is why there's so much drunk sex, because being drunk compensates for being terrible).

"His cock was so small." "She doesn't know how to suck dick." "She's too wild, she liked it too much." "He came too early." Nothing but dissing and complaining and bitching (and I've already gotten some this year for the fuckup with my coworker, because I was too "weak" for her. I still get insults about it regularly: "it's OK, at least you didn't Glides your way out of some potential poon.")

I hate the Deep South. I hate it hate it hate it hate it. Racist fucks.

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