The latest issue/pretty hopeless
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The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Hey guys…
So I actually haven’t posted in here in awhile because I’ve just been too damn depressed to have the energy for anything but lurking at the moment. Basically, at lot has happened. It feels like a whole bunch of things have come all at once, and I don’t know how much I have in me to recount it all. To give some broad strokes, I have to drop out of school again—I’m just too depressed and anxious to be able to keep up with even a small workload, and my attempts to find a job have been pretty humiliating. I’m going to break up with my boyfriend, I don’t really want to go into now but it’s gotten to the point where we barely talk to each other, and when we do I often dread it, because I don’t know when he’s going to be tense and irritable with me. But on Wednesday I got some medical news that absolutely crushed me, and I’ve been seriously feeling depressed ever since then.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to have sex. Like physically, I don’t know if I’m ever going to be capable of it.
(Okay, just fyi, this next bit might be a bit TMI, I’m not going into detail, just giving some basic physiological info, but I’m still going to be talking about sex, so proceed at your own risk.)
Ever since I was a small child I’ve suffered from chronic back, neck, shoulder, and sometimes even hip pain. Like, I am constantly in pain—there is never a time when it stops. I’ve just learned to ignore it though, you know? Pain is like static noise in the back of my head, I don’t let myself feel it unless I have to think about it. Or have to carry anything over two pounds. Or sit in an uncomfortable position. Or anything really. But I mostly ignore it. After all, what can I do? I was carted around from doctor to doctor as a kid, and after that quacks and snake oil peddlers, because my mom was desperate. The only thing that has helped is at 14 I met with my Pilates teacher, who I’ve been working with ever since, and while it doesn’t make it go away or get better, it prevents it from getting worse. The only thing that seems to be physically wrong with me is I have a hyperextended spine, but I wasn’t born with that. All of this has been caused by muscle tension, which got so bad that at an early age it managed to warp the shape of my spine. The only available explanation we have is it’s from constant stress that my body has been warped like this, and no, just relaxing or taking a muscle relaxer doesn’t do anything. (I’ve actually been diagnosed with other conditions that usually only show up in middle aged/elderly women, likely too from constant stress.) Almost no one in my life knows about this, other than my parents, because what’s the point? It’s pretty invisible.
Anyway, this everyday fact of my existence only really came to matter when I started being sexually active with my boyfriend for the first time, and found attempting any kind of PiV extremely painful. Or actually, any kind of penetration painful. Like pelvic exams will leave me screaming and sobbing in pain, and I’ll flinch away if you even stick a finger in there. I got tossed around from my primary care to a gynecologist to a gyno-urologist and finally to a physical therapist working on pelvic floor stuff, and, well… After a few sessions with her, she informed me that what’s tight up there is also tight down there too, and she isn’t sure what she can do. Now Prajna you might say, PiV isn’t the only way to have sex, saying you might not be capable of PiV isn’t the same thing as saying sex isn’t possible! Except… I mentioned this in another thread, but I have a hair-trigger gag reflex. Like brushing my teeth sometimes leaves me violently retching—oral isn’t something that’s possible for me most of the time. Oh, and while I enjoy the sensation of anal stimulation in small amounts, anything more than two fingers and we’re in fucking hell no amounts of pain and no amount of warming up or lube really does much about that. So yeah… I don’t know how else to say it—I’m just not physically capable of sexual intercourse. And it sucks.
So I hate to say this, but it’s pretty official now—no man would want to date me. Some might be willing to overlook the serious mental health issues, lack of direction in life, living with parents, no college degree or job but this… Sounds like a dealbreaker too far for anyone really.
(Also NT, I really don’t want to come off as contributing to asexual invisibility here—I just think that given how I am, dating an asexual man would be a really bad idea. I still have a sex drive and plenty of physical desire, even if it’s behind a paywall right now of a lot of confused sadfeels and dating an asexual man because I assume no sexual would want me while still having a lot of pent up desire for sexual intimacy with a partner sounds like a pretty shitty thing to do to him, and to me.)
I’m rambling now, but… At first with boyfriend I was just happy with naked cuddling, but as the months went on I could increasingly tell how frustrated he was, and I think it was part of the reason he lost interest in me and did this slow fade. And I’m pretty sure it would be exactly the same thing with any other guy who was willing to date me. A friend of mine tried to cheer me up about this, by telling me that all sorts of people are in happy, satisfying sexless relationships—like people in long-distance relationships!—but that's not the same at all. And I’m sure my other friends are going to tell me things like any guy who would insist on sex is a guy who isn’t good enough for me, but that’s complete nonsense. Sex is a perfectly valid thing to want in a relationship, and good luck trying to find those who’d be willing to just forgo it. (I have no resentment against those who would pass me over in regards to dating because of this—I would make the decision to do the same if our positions were reversed.) I suppose I should be sad about not being able to enjoy sex for myself, but mostly I just feel like a really shitty person, for not being able to please my partner—because I want to, I really do! I’d do anything in order to be able to. I feel like there’s no way I’m not going to be forever alone because of this, and it definitely makes me un-datable. I suppose I’m a little sad that this thing that so many people find pleasure in is something I have come to know only as painful and humiliating, though in my fantasies it’s something I’m able to enjoy with none of these hindrances. Friend also said that of course men would be willing to date me, I have wonderful qualities like being loyal and kind to those I care about, but if that’s the case, why not just be my friend and date women they can actually, you know, have sex with? So yeah, I’m feeling pretty hopeless right now…
(I suppose I could always write a Vice article now about how I refuse to engage in oral or PiV and listen while thousands of men on the internet shout at me about what a selfish bitch I am, that’s a consolation prize—still, it’s not like I’d ever forget what a shitty partner this makes me though.)
Also, just so you guys know, I'm really not interested in medical advice or arguing my diagnosis or whatever. Sorry, just don't feel up for playing doctor with internet strangers at the moment.
So I actually haven’t posted in here in awhile because I’ve just been too damn depressed to have the energy for anything but lurking at the moment. Basically, at lot has happened. It feels like a whole bunch of things have come all at once, and I don’t know how much I have in me to recount it all. To give some broad strokes, I have to drop out of school again—I’m just too depressed and anxious to be able to keep up with even a small workload, and my attempts to find a job have been pretty humiliating. I’m going to break up with my boyfriend, I don’t really want to go into now but it’s gotten to the point where we barely talk to each other, and when we do I often dread it, because I don’t know when he’s going to be tense and irritable with me. But on Wednesday I got some medical news that absolutely crushed me, and I’ve been seriously feeling depressed ever since then.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to have sex. Like physically, I don’t know if I’m ever going to be capable of it.
(Okay, just fyi, this next bit might be a bit TMI, I’m not going into detail, just giving some basic physiological info, but I’m still going to be talking about sex, so proceed at your own risk.)
Ever since I was a small child I’ve suffered from chronic back, neck, shoulder, and sometimes even hip pain. Like, I am constantly in pain—there is never a time when it stops. I’ve just learned to ignore it though, you know? Pain is like static noise in the back of my head, I don’t let myself feel it unless I have to think about it. Or have to carry anything over two pounds. Or sit in an uncomfortable position. Or anything really. But I mostly ignore it. After all, what can I do? I was carted around from doctor to doctor as a kid, and after that quacks and snake oil peddlers, because my mom was desperate. The only thing that has helped is at 14 I met with my Pilates teacher, who I’ve been working with ever since, and while it doesn’t make it go away or get better, it prevents it from getting worse. The only thing that seems to be physically wrong with me is I have a hyperextended spine, but I wasn’t born with that. All of this has been caused by muscle tension, which got so bad that at an early age it managed to warp the shape of my spine. The only available explanation we have is it’s from constant stress that my body has been warped like this, and no, just relaxing or taking a muscle relaxer doesn’t do anything. (I’ve actually been diagnosed with other conditions that usually only show up in middle aged/elderly women, likely too from constant stress.) Almost no one in my life knows about this, other than my parents, because what’s the point? It’s pretty invisible.
Anyway, this everyday fact of my existence only really came to matter when I started being sexually active with my boyfriend for the first time, and found attempting any kind of PiV extremely painful. Or actually, any kind of penetration painful. Like pelvic exams will leave me screaming and sobbing in pain, and I’ll flinch away if you even stick a finger in there. I got tossed around from my primary care to a gynecologist to a gyno-urologist and finally to a physical therapist working on pelvic floor stuff, and, well… After a few sessions with her, she informed me that what’s tight up there is also tight down there too, and she isn’t sure what she can do. Now Prajna you might say, PiV isn’t the only way to have sex, saying you might not be capable of PiV isn’t the same thing as saying sex isn’t possible! Except… I mentioned this in another thread, but I have a hair-trigger gag reflex. Like brushing my teeth sometimes leaves me violently retching—oral isn’t something that’s possible for me most of the time. Oh, and while I enjoy the sensation of anal stimulation in small amounts, anything more than two fingers and we’re in fucking hell no amounts of pain and no amount of warming up or lube really does much about that. So yeah… I don’t know how else to say it—I’m just not physically capable of sexual intercourse. And it sucks.
So I hate to say this, but it’s pretty official now—no man would want to date me. Some might be willing to overlook the serious mental health issues, lack of direction in life, living with parents, no college degree or job but this… Sounds like a dealbreaker too far for anyone really.
(Also NT, I really don’t want to come off as contributing to asexual invisibility here—I just think that given how I am, dating an asexual man would be a really bad idea. I still have a sex drive and plenty of physical desire, even if it’s behind a paywall right now of a lot of confused sadfeels and dating an asexual man because I assume no sexual would want me while still having a lot of pent up desire for sexual intimacy with a partner sounds like a pretty shitty thing to do to him, and to me.)
I’m rambling now, but… At first with boyfriend I was just happy with naked cuddling, but as the months went on I could increasingly tell how frustrated he was, and I think it was part of the reason he lost interest in me and did this slow fade. And I’m pretty sure it would be exactly the same thing with any other guy who was willing to date me. A friend of mine tried to cheer me up about this, by telling me that all sorts of people are in happy, satisfying sexless relationships—like people in long-distance relationships!—but that's not the same at all. And I’m sure my other friends are going to tell me things like any guy who would insist on sex is a guy who isn’t good enough for me, but that’s complete nonsense. Sex is a perfectly valid thing to want in a relationship, and good luck trying to find those who’d be willing to just forgo it. (I have no resentment against those who would pass me over in regards to dating because of this—I would make the decision to do the same if our positions were reversed.) I suppose I should be sad about not being able to enjoy sex for myself, but mostly I just feel like a really shitty person, for not being able to please my partner—because I want to, I really do! I’d do anything in order to be able to. I feel like there’s no way I’m not going to be forever alone because of this, and it definitely makes me un-datable. I suppose I’m a little sad that this thing that so many people find pleasure in is something I have come to know only as painful and humiliating, though in my fantasies it’s something I’m able to enjoy with none of these hindrances. Friend also said that of course men would be willing to date me, I have wonderful qualities like being loyal and kind to those I care about, but if that’s the case, why not just be my friend and date women they can actually, you know, have sex with? So yeah, I’m feeling pretty hopeless right now…
(I suppose I could always write a Vice article now about how I refuse to engage in oral or PiV and listen while thousands of men on the internet shout at me about what a selfish bitch I am, that’s a consolation prize—still, it’s not like I’d ever forget what a shitty partner this makes me though.)
Also, just so you guys know, I'm really not interested in medical advice or arguing my diagnosis or whatever. Sorry, just don't feel up for playing doctor with internet strangers at the moment.
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Foster! It saves lives! And kittens! People will just give you kittens! For free!
Prajnaparamita- Posts : 404
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Join date : 2015-02-05
Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
I'm so sorry Prajna. I can't even imagine how awful this must feel
I have some thoughts behind the spoiler, it's not clear if you want them or not. Just let me know and I'll delete it.
I have some thoughts behind the spoiler, it's not clear if you want them or not. Just let me know and I'll delete it.
- Spoiler:
- You're not undateable. I think it's Dan Savage who says he gets letters from guys who have no interest in PiV, or no interest in receiving oral. They do exist, you may just have to look harder.
There's also the nonmonogamy route, though I understand if you don't want to do that. You could date a guy, perform whatever sexual acts on each other you can, and let him have casual sex occasionally to get other needs met. But that's not for everybody, I know.
Now, I'm not saying won't be harder, but it will be possible
ETA: Are there support groups for people with this issue, i.e. who can't perform certain sex acts due to pain but still have a sex drive?
The Wisp- Posts : 896
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Yeah, that actually just makes me feel a lot worse, because monogamy is really, really important to me. I have nothing against other kinds of relationships, it's not a judgement thing, it's just not how I connect and bond and I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable in a non-monogamous relationship. And it's pretty depressing to think too that it would be my only option. And sure maybe those guys exist (sound pretty rare to me) but I already have a lot of limitations on who I am able to date, I think. Like for instance, now that I've had experiece dating a non-vegan, I really don't think I want to do it ever again. It's hard to explain from the outside, but I felt like I had to hide parts of myself and just not talk about important issues to me because it would cause tension and make him feel judged/uncomfortable. And as a result, I pulled back from activities and passions and activism that really meant a lot to me and who I am. And if that's really the case for me, that dating non-vegans just doesn't really work, well it basically makes my dating pool disappear. So yeah, I know we all have to make sacrifices, but I don't feel like I have any options that won't make me feel like part of me isn't dying inside.
Fucking hell.
Fucking hell.
_________________
Foster! It saves lives! And kittens! People will just give you kittens! For free!
Prajnaparamita- Posts : 404
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Oh, Praja, that all really sucks. I'm so sorry you're going through so many lousy, painful things all at once.
I know this probably isn't the time when you want to be thinking on these lines, while you're mourning something you want so much, so if this isn't something you want to think about or discuss now, please say so and I'll delete with apologies, but maybe something to percolate in the back of your mind for some other time...There are people out there who enjoy sexytimes in their relationships but whose preferences are largely outside of the PiV/oral/anal trinity - I've heard a good few people into various flavours of kink who are fairly indifferent to those. So I think there are still ways you could have a partner and a sex life, even if not everything you want in one.
But, regardless, that's some seriously shitty news, and a lot of tough things to go through. Look after yourself, and we're here if you want to talk. Many jedi hugs available if you want them.
I know this probably isn't the time when you want to be thinking on these lines, while you're mourning something you want so much, so if this isn't something you want to think about or discuss now, please say so and I'll delete with apologies, but maybe something to percolate in the back of your mind for some other time...There are people out there who enjoy sexytimes in their relationships but whose preferences are largely outside of the PiV/oral/anal trinity - I've heard a good few people into various flavours of kink who are fairly indifferent to those. So I think there are still ways you could have a partner and a sex life, even if not everything you want in one.
But, regardless, that's some seriously shitty news, and a lot of tough things to go through. Look after yourself, and we're here if you want to talk. Many jedi hugs available if you want them.
Enail- Admin
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Prajnaparamita wrote:Yeah, that actually just makes me feel a lot worse, because monogamy is really, really important to me. I have nothing against other kinds of relationships, it's not a judgement thing, it's just not how I connect and bond and I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable in a non-monogamous relationship. And it's pretty depressing to think too that it would be my only option. And sure maybe those guys exist (sound pretty rare to me) but I already have a lot of limitations on who I am able to date, I think. Like for instance, now that I've had experiece dating a non-vegan, I really don't think I want to do it ever again. It's hard to explain from the outside, but I felt like I had to hide parts of myself and just not talk about important issues to me because it would cause tension and make him feel judged/uncomfortable. And as a result, I pulled back from activities and passions and activism that really meant a lot to me and who I am. And if that's really the case for me, that dating non-vegans just doesn't really work, well it basically makes my dating pool disappear. So yeah, I know we all have to make sacrifices, but I don't feel like I have any options that won't make me feel like part of me isn't dying inside.
Fucking hell.
I'm sorry you're in so much emotional pain right now.
The Wisp- Posts : 896
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Oh hugs. I'm so very sorry. That sounds awful. More internet/virtual/painfree hugs if you want them. Also baby seal:
readertorider- Posts : 155
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
I got nothing but
reboot- Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Haven't quote worked out how GIFs work, but I'm sorry too to hear about all the things piling up.
Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Oh Prajna, I'm so sorry you're going through so many shitty, painful things at once. Big hugs.
Werel- DOCTOR(!)
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Hope things change for the better. More sooner than later.
Guest- Guest
Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Many warm Jedi hugs to, hon. I wish there was more I could do to try and cheer you up, there probably isn't but just know, us internet (relative) strangers are here for you.
It breaks my heart to hear that your depression and anxieties are making you drop out of school again. That really sucks, it also sucks that you're calling your relationship quits as well. While, I've been fortunate to not have experienced that degree of anxiety and depression or break up with someone, my heart goes out to you still.
I dunno, you still seem like a very sweet girl, Prajna. I wouldn't count you out quite yet.
Here, have a funny gif courtesy of silly Mikeh.
It breaks my heart to hear that your depression and anxieties are making you drop out of school again. That really sucks, it also sucks that you're calling your relationship quits as well. While, I've been fortunate to not have experienced that degree of anxiety and depression or break up with someone, my heart goes out to you still.
I dunno, you still seem like a very sweet girl, Prajna. I wouldn't count you out quite yet.
Here, have a funny gif courtesy of silly Mikeh.
Guest- Guest
Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Welp, another day and I'm honestly still not feeling so great. I was really torn up last night so I slept poorly and now feel kinda like shit warmed over.
Still haven't had a chance to break up with boyfriend--but then again, because he hasn't bothered to return my calls, I doubt it's going to break his heart when he gets the news.
I reached out to another friend this morning when I was feeling really depressed, and it felt like he said to me something like "Stop whining, it's all in your head. Everyone who is single is always saying that they can't ever find a relationship." (I don't want to accidentally be putting words in his mouth, but that's certainly how I took it.) I honestly can't tell if it hurts more having people tell me that yeah, this is a major dealbreaker and it's going to add a whole 'nother difficulty level onto things or feeling like they're being dismissive. Anyway, the whole thing left me feeling really shitty for the rest of the day.
Well Mikey, you think I'm a "very sweet girl"? Honestly then I have a confession to make--I have a real problem with misplaced anger (and I wish I meant by that is it falls behind the dryer with all the missing socks when I'm not looking.) Or rather, when I was composing that first post, there was some subconscious part of me going "I feel really shitty right now. I know, let me take a subtle yet undeniably passive-aggressive swipe at The Wisp right now by attempting to see if I can conjure up a guilt trip, I'm sure that will make it all okay." (If it makes it any better Wisp [though probably quite a bit weirder--sorry] I only even engage in this behavior with people that I care about, so ummm... )
So I'm struggling to not lash out at friend right now, with something like "fuck you and your three year relationship with the woman of your dreams--you don't have any fucking clue what you're talking about." But I know right now he's having a hard time, and even though our lives are very different, I've been trying to help him go to counseling services at his university to help with the feelings of imposter syndrome and social anxiety and isolation that he's been experiencing ever since he entered his Ph.D program. So lashing out would really not be good for either of us--I'd feel horribly guilty afterwards for one.
Also guys I have one last question. I've also been really struggling at the moment with feeling like I'm unattractive and feeling insecure about the weight that I've gained and feeling like besides all of this, like no one could ever find me attractive to begin with. I know a lot of my body image issues predate this, and predate even meeting boyfriend but I think he had a part in it too. I don't know--I spent so long trying to convince myself that my relationship with him was going great that I can't even tell you what of our issues was actually all just in my head. Anyway, there was one time that we were in bed together and I mentioned that I felt self-conscious with him touching a certain part of my body, because I'd always found that part unattractive and was insecure about it. And his response to me was basically like "Yeah, I don't find that part of you attractive either." I mentioned it again another day, because I didn't want to press it then, saying that if he couldn't tell I was actually really insecure about that part of my body and he responded along the lines of "Yeah, I can tell I'm walking on eggshells here... But it's the truth." I know it's completely unreasonable to expect your partner to find every part of you attractive all the time, and I don't want to be the thought police here, but it left me feeling really awful about myself. And it's hard to believe it when others say that no one will notice or care about those things, because well... That seems to have been disproven. I don't know, am I overreacting here?
Thanks for all your kind words.
Still haven't had a chance to break up with boyfriend--but then again, because he hasn't bothered to return my calls, I doubt it's going to break his heart when he gets the news.
I reached out to another friend this morning when I was feeling really depressed, and it felt like he said to me something like "Stop whining, it's all in your head. Everyone who is single is always saying that they can't ever find a relationship." (I don't want to accidentally be putting words in his mouth, but that's certainly how I took it.) I honestly can't tell if it hurts more having people tell me that yeah, this is a major dealbreaker and it's going to add a whole 'nother difficulty level onto things or feeling like they're being dismissive. Anyway, the whole thing left me feeling really shitty for the rest of the day.
Well Mikey, you think I'm a "very sweet girl"? Honestly then I have a confession to make--I have a real problem with misplaced anger (and I wish I meant by that is it falls behind the dryer with all the missing socks when I'm not looking.) Or rather, when I was composing that first post, there was some subconscious part of me going "I feel really shitty right now. I know, let me take a subtle yet undeniably passive-aggressive swipe at The Wisp right now by attempting to see if I can conjure up a guilt trip, I'm sure that will make it all okay." (If it makes it any better Wisp [though probably quite a bit weirder--sorry] I only even engage in this behavior with people that I care about, so ummm... )
So I'm struggling to not lash out at friend right now, with something like "fuck you and your three year relationship with the woman of your dreams--you don't have any fucking clue what you're talking about." But I know right now he's having a hard time, and even though our lives are very different, I've been trying to help him go to counseling services at his university to help with the feelings of imposter syndrome and social anxiety and isolation that he's been experiencing ever since he entered his Ph.D program. So lashing out would really not be good for either of us--I'd feel horribly guilty afterwards for one.
Also guys I have one last question. I've also been really struggling at the moment with feeling like I'm unattractive and feeling insecure about the weight that I've gained and feeling like besides all of this, like no one could ever find me attractive to begin with. I know a lot of my body image issues predate this, and predate even meeting boyfriend but I think he had a part in it too. I don't know--I spent so long trying to convince myself that my relationship with him was going great that I can't even tell you what of our issues was actually all just in my head. Anyway, there was one time that we were in bed together and I mentioned that I felt self-conscious with him touching a certain part of my body, because I'd always found that part unattractive and was insecure about it. And his response to me was basically like "Yeah, I don't find that part of you attractive either." I mentioned it again another day, because I didn't want to press it then, saying that if he couldn't tell I was actually really insecure about that part of my body and he responded along the lines of "Yeah, I can tell I'm walking on eggshells here... But it's the truth." I know it's completely unreasonable to expect your partner to find every part of you attractive all the time, and I don't want to be the thought police here, but it left me feeling really awful about myself. And it's hard to believe it when others say that no one will notice or care about those things, because well... That seems to have been disproven. I don't know, am I overreacting here?
Thanks for all your kind words.
_________________
Foster! It saves lives! And kittens! People will just give you kittens! For free!
Prajnaparamita- Posts : 404
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Join date : 2015-02-05
Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Oh, I'm so very sorry. I won't even try to offer advice. You're dealing with so many things right now, and maybe this is the time to just be mad and sad and grieving for the way you wanted your sex life and relationships to be. There are things on the other side of the grief, but you don't need to worry about that sort of thing right now.
And, yeah, your boyfriend was being tactless. People vary in how they deal with the honest/kind discrepancy. They also vary in terms of what they find attractive. What you find ugly might be appealing or just unnoticeable to someone else. Either way, it sounds like your boyfriend knew he was going to cause some hurt with at least that second comment, and that's not cool of him.
And, yeah, your boyfriend was being tactless. People vary in how they deal with the honest/kind discrepancy. They also vary in terms of what they find attractive. What you find ugly might be appealing or just unnoticeable to someone else. Either way, it sounds like your boyfriend knew he was going to cause some hurt with at least that second comment, and that's not cool of him.
eselle28- General Oversight Moderator
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
"I feel really shitty right now. I know, let me take a subtle yet undeniably passive-aggressive swipe at The Wisp right now by attempting to see if I can conjure up a guilt trip, I'm sure that will make it all okay." (If it makes it any better Wisp [though probably quite a bit weirder--sorry] I only even engage in this behavior with people that I care about, so ummm... Uh-oh )
I totally recognized that was a swipe at me at the time, but I didn't take it personally at all, I understood that you were and are in bad place emotionally and it's totally understandable (I've done it myself). I admire that you are so honest about this.
I care about you, too, by the way. I'm sorry that you're in a bad place right now.
The Wisp- Posts : 896
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
It may be unreasonable to expect your partner to find every part of you actively, OOH MAMA! attractive; what's not unreasonable is expecting them to be kind about parts you're insecure about, and to be kind about the parts they don't find terribly attractive (ESPECIALLY when those categories overlap). This doesn't require dishonesty (side note: "well it's true" so often = "I refuse to acknowledge my tactlessness". Something being true doesn't give you an auto-pass on saying it, FFS); a kinder response might be more like "yeah, it's not your best part, but the rest of you is so sexy/adorable/beautiful who cares?"
And yes to "will someone other than him like/not notice this part." There are parts of me I hate, which are conventionally no good, but which some dudes have told me are either hot or irrelevant. You can always rely on the breadth and variability of human tastes.
Re: lashing out when feeling shitty: we've all (or very very many of us) been there. You already know to bite your tongue till it passes, cause you are essentially smart and kind; and as the former World Champion of Transmitting My Misery to Others through Mean Words, I want to offer the assurance that it usually gets a lot easier to control yourself as you get older.
More hugs.
And yes to "will someone other than him like/not notice this part." There are parts of me I hate, which are conventionally no good, but which some dudes have told me are either hot or irrelevant. You can always rely on the breadth and variability of human tastes.
Re: lashing out when feeling shitty: we've all (or very very many of us) been there. You already know to bite your tongue till it passes, cause you are essentially smart and kind; and as the former World Champion of Transmitting My Misery to Others through Mean Words, I want to offer the assurance that it usually gets a lot easier to control yourself as you get older.
More hugs.
Werel- DOCTOR(!)
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Prajnaparamita wrote:
Well Mikey, you think I'm a "very sweet girl"? Honestly then I have a confession to make--I have a real problem with misplaced anger (and I wish I meant by that is it falls behind the dryer with all the missing socks when I'm not looking.) Or rather, when I was composing that first post, there was some subconscious part of me going "I feel really shitty right now. I know, let me take a subtle yet undeniably passive-aggressive swipe at The Wisp right now by attempting to see if I can conjure up a guilt trip, I'm sure that will make it all okay." (If it makes it any better Wisp [though probably quite a bit weirder--sorry] I only even engage in this behavior with people that I care about, so ummm... )
I do think so. :3 Don't worry, I have those same hang-ups too.
Guest- Guest
Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
I know it's completely unreasonable to expect your partner to find every part of you attractive all the time, and I don't want to be the thought police here, but it left me feeling really awful about myself. And it's hard to believe it when others say that no one will notice or care about those things, because well... That seems to have been disproven. I don't know, am I overreacting here?
It might be unreasonable to expect that your partner find every part of you attractive, but if they're your partner they find you as a whole person attractive and the parts they don't like don't matter, and a kinder answer would have been "I like these many other parts of you. Why should we care about that part?"
Anyway I don't have much to offer but more virtual hugs.
Re: lashing out when feeling shitty: we've all (or very very many of us) been there.
It's a natural human reaction. It's not a good thing to do, but hey, it happens, and when you're in a lot of pain it happens a lot.
Andrew Corvero- Posts : 184
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
The Wisp wrote:
I totally recognized that was a swipe at me at the time, but I didn't take it personally at all, I understood that you were and are in bad place emotionally and it's totally understandable (I've done it myself). I admire that you are so honest about this.
I care about you, too, by the way. I'm sorry that you're in a bad place right now.
Werel wrote:It may be unreasonable to expect your partner to find every part of you actively, OOH MAMA! attractive; what's not unreasonable is expecting them to be kind about parts you're insecure about, and to be kind about the parts they don't find terribly attractive (ESPECIALLY when those categories overlap). This doesn't require dishonesty (side note: "well it's true" so often = "I refuse to acknowledge my tactlessness". Something being true doesn't give you an auto-pass on saying it, FFS); a kinder response might be more like "yeah, it's not your best part, but the rest of you is so sexy/adorable/beautiful who cares?"
Exactly! That was all I wanted him to say! If he had just said “Eh, I still find you attractive anyway” I would have been like “Haha, yeah, all the women in my family are built like that, nothing you can do about it I guess!” and moved on. I don’t think it would be such a big deal if it wasn’t for the pattern that I think was there of me feeling like I generally wasn’t feeling supported or affirmed in my relationship.
Werel wrote:
Re: lashing out when feeling shitty: we've all (or very very many of us) been there. You already know to bite your tongue till it passes, cause you are essentially smart and kind; and as the former World Champion of Transmitting My Misery to Others through Mean Words, I want to offer the assurance that it usually gets a lot easier to control yourself as you get older.
You know, for some reason I also seem to believe that I have this superpower where I have the power to make people feel shitty about themselves USING ONLY MY WORDS (DUN DUN DUN!) while also being so subtle and coy with my cutdowns that they just feel sad inside without knowing why or realizing that it’s me. Then I assume when no one is reacting it’s because they’re all crying inside without realizing what I’ve done when actually they’re fully well aware and just ignoring me in the hopes that by the grace of physics I’ll snap out of it and grow the hell up.
re: see above
I imagine it will also get easier with a bit of sleep. Also, what is the appropriate response to friend making an offhand comment like: “Well a woman once had sex with me without my consent. So that made me feel ashamed about sex for some time.”
Typical awkward and unhelpful me, I was like “Oh [friend] I’m so sorry to hear that, I had no idea.” (I meant it too; I would never want anything bad to happen to him, he is such an amazing person.) And then I guess it was just dropped? Should I ever bring it up now? Sigh… This is pretty similar to the problem I had whenever the dude who I guess is now my ex-boyfriend would bring up the totally consensual sexual experience that he absolutely consented to when he was ten years old with an adult woman that was completely consensual so don't think it was sexual assault or anything like that it just made him ashamed of sex too for awhile and maybe he was a little too young because he wasn’t even physically capable of orgasm when it happened. At least with ex I knew that nod along and don’t pry were things that he seemed to appreciate.
Werel wrote:
More hugs.
Thank you. I appreciate it, I really do.
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Foster! It saves lives! And kittens! People will just give you kittens! For free!
Prajnaparamita- Posts : 404
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Praj, I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't even begin to imagine how insanley hard this is. Frankly, I don't know what to add/say to what has been told here , so all I have to share with you is this extremley adorable video of a cat entering a paper bag. I hope it cheers you up, even just for a moment or two:
Gman- Posts : 233
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Re: The latest issue/pretty hopeless
Gman wrote:Praj, I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't even begin to imagine how insanley hard this is. Frankly, I don't know what to add/say to what has been told here , so all I have to share with you is this extremley adorable video of a cat entering a paper bag. I hope it cheers you up, even just for a moment or two:
Oh gawd that was adorable, thank you. That cat gives none of the fucks.
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Foster! It saves lives! And kittens! People will just give you kittens! For free!
Prajnaparamita- Posts : 404
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