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Post by Artanis_Neravar on Sun Apr 26, 2015 10:29 pm

I couldn't come up with a better thread title.

When I am driving, or at night when I can't sleep my mind starts to run through verious senerios , what would I do if this happened, how would I handle that, etc. Tonight my mind went back to a question I've been asked before;

"What is it about me you like anyway"
Or some variation on that

It's never something I've been able to answer. I'm not good with waxing poetic, or giving romantic answers to questions. I don't remember what I have given for answers in the past, but I do know I've never been satisfied with my answers.

Any thoughts on how to come up with an answer?
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Post by Enail on Sun Apr 26, 2015 10:47 pm

Do you usually have things that you like about the person? If so, is your difficulty in pinning down what those things are, or in expressing them in an appealing way?
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Post by Artanis_Neravar on Mon Apr 27, 2015 5:26 pm

I suppose? I always know that I like someone, but the exact reasons are much harder to put my finger on.
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Post by eselle28 on Mon Apr 27, 2015 5:37 pm

If that's the case, I think the first step might be trying to focus on what differentiates someone who you like from a person who might be somewhat similar but who you're pretty indifferent to. Or, if you want to look at it in a different way, what would you tell someone else about that person if you were trying to convey how awesome they were or recommend them as a friend? There are a couple steps after that, but I think knowing is half the battle.
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Post by Enail on Mon Apr 27, 2015 5:47 pm

Eselle beat me to my answer!

Also, I don't think you need to focus on saying "the right thing" or something really romantic, a lot of people would like to hear something genuine and specific to them more than something movie-worthy .(but then, I'm not much of a fan of "romantic answers," so that might just be a case that someone who wants that is not very compatible with me, which may not be the case for you, so YMMV). I think it's probably also a good idea to take the question as an indicator that they'd like verbal displays of affection in general.
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Post by kleenestar on Mon Apr 27, 2015 7:01 pm

When I'm asked a question like this, I answer with a story or an incident.

"I admired when you stood up for your friend, even though it seemed like a scary situation."

"I love it when you get passionate about something and you get so excited you tell me whole paragraphs of ideas without even needing to take a breath."

"That makes me think of the time you brought me soup when I was sick. It was so considerate and caring."
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Post by Artanis_Neravar on Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:13 pm

So something like

"The stress and anxiety from the rest of my life fades away when we hang out"?
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Post by Prajnaparamita on Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:33 pm

I guess for me it comes down to listening, observing and remembering. Honestly when it comes down to it the things that we really like about the people we choose to have around us are pretty simple, to the point of generic ("you're funny" "you care about me a lot" "you're kind") and even though they are all completely true, they don't sound particularly profound when stated like that. Ditto to what kleenestar said, finding a moment or memory that encapsulates what you like about this person is a really good strategy, but also referencing an inside joke or something they mentioned liking/being proud of is something I find useful. This is because it shows that you were paying attention when you were with them, that they mattered enough to you for you to really deeply listen to what they had to say and be there in that moment. And conveying this, no matter what your actual words are, has a really powerful effect in terms of letting the other person know that you find them valuable. Which is really what I think this question is about--letting the other person know that they are valued.

Here are some examples from a list that I wrote out for my now ex back in the beginning of our relationship:


1. You have the sexiest crow’s feet around your eyes that I have ever seen.

2. When I’m with you, I feel comfortable in my weirdness, free to just say random shit sometimes, and it feels good.

4. We can talk for hours. And hours. And hours. If I was trapped on a deserted island with just one other person, you’re one of my top choices. I don’t want to marry you, that’s for sure, but I imagine we’d be unlikely to get bored in our time together, or run out of conversation topic.

5. You have a Viking cat.

7. You have possibly the most adorable confused/bemused/yet still amused face ever. I don’t think I shall ever tire of giving you an detailed explanation of why the alchemy of Isaac Newton and his peers was exactly like two teenagers dry-humping at bible camp and watching your expression.

8. That almost triangular silver patch in your chest hair that’s growing in quite nicely.

11. In contrast to all of my wackiness sometimes you’re remarkably good at playing it straight, and I don’t think half our extended jokes would be funny at all (if they even were in the first place) if you didn’t.

Some of these (#5) are references to inside jokes or funny moments that we shared, some of these (#2, 4, 11) are just generic praises like "I find you funny" or "I feel comfortable with you" rephrased in a more personal way, and some are things that he mentioned liking about himself (#1, 8 ) that I concurred with and reminded him of again.

One last thing to note, if there's someone in your life who you feel like keeps on asking you this question, and you feel like you can't give a good enough answer, the problem isn't with you, the problem is that they are likely an attention-hogging dramabomb and you should probably stop answering them and let them go find somebody else to stuck energy from. You're not required to write anyone sonnets in their praise, nor should you be expected to. Just the process of someone trying to articulate what it is they like about you is in itself a sweet thing.

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Post by Prajnaparamita on Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:34 pm

Artanis_Neravar wrote:So something like

"The stress and anxiety from the rest of my life fades away when we hang out"?

Didn't see this before but yes, absolutely perfect!

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Post by Werel on Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:47 pm

Prajnaparamita wrote:I guess for me it comes down to listening, observing and remembering... it shows that you were paying attention when you were with them, that they mattered enough to you for you to really deeply listen to what they had to say and be there in that moment. And conveying this, no matter what your actual words are, has a really powerful effect in terms of letting the other person know that you find them valuable. Which is really what I think this question is about--letting the other person know that they are valued.

Cannot second this hard enough. When someone makes an unprompted reference to some casual comment I dropped, or a word I used, or an anecdote I recounted in a previous conversation--even one months ago--there is little else which makes me feel so appreciated. I think that's true for a lot of folks. Was talking to someone I admire very much at a party once; he'd said something about his boss, just tossed it in without thought, and a couple hours later I responded to some conversation point with "yeah, just like your boss." He looked thunderstruck. "Jesus, you listen," he said, grinning. I like remembering that moment, because I think he for once properly received the message that I value and find him interesting (a message which is notoriously tough to convey to this specific person).

So listen, remember, show that you've done these things. It'll mean a lot to most people.
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Post by kleenestar on Mon Apr 27, 2015 10:07 pm

Artanis_Neravar wrote:So something like

"The stress and anxiety from the rest of my life fades away when we hang out"?

I think that's a lovely example. I'd be delighted if someone said that to me!!
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Post by Artanis_Neravar on Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:19 pm

That is very helpful, thank you everyone!
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