An essay I wrote about "settling".

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An essay I wrote about "settling". Empty An essay I wrote about "settling".

Post by Ron Ritzman on Mon Apr 27, 2015 1:33 am

Some of the comments in the discussion section on the Doc's article on avoiding the fade prompted me to write an essay on Fetlife about "settling".

https://fetlife.com/users/3495270/posts


Shitty mono dynamic #2, "settling"

Journal Entry | less than a minute ago

It's commendable to have the ability to be happy with an apple or an orange but it's not commendable to really want an apple but settle for an orange. It's not fair to the orange to be tossed over your shoulder if an apple drops on your head and it's not fair to you or the orange if you stick with the orange while passing up opportunities to have apples.

Being open to relationships with a wide range of different kinds of people is commendable, not being shallow is commendable. However, it's better to be honestly shallow and picky then it is to date or get into a relationship with somebody you're not really into because you can't find the person you really want, you want to prove that you're not "shallow", or you're bowing to social pressure to give someone a "chance". One of two things will happen. Either you will dump or cheat on that person when you realize that you actually can get the person you really want or you will remain in a miserable relationship with someone whom you're not really into. In both cases that other gets burned and their self esteem gets shot because nobody wants to be the fucking "booby prize". If the only thing you feel that someone's got going for them is that they are "obtainable" then you need to reject them so both of you are free to seek out the person you both really want.

That being said, I'm thankful that I seem to have evolved into a polyamorous person with a desire to be with a wide range of different kinds of women. Since I'm not monogamous, one person doesn't have to be my "everything". If I'm showing interest in you then it means that there's something about you that I find appealing. Also, a large part of my attraction to someone is their attraction and interest in me. This means I've sometimes been accused of pursuing someone simply because they're "obtainable". However, I don't "settle". If there's absolutely nothing about you that I like then I will have nothing to do with you, not even a hookup.
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Post by PintsizeBro on Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:29 pm

I completely agree with your first two paragraphs.

I disagree with the suggestion that poly is an antidote to settling for two reasons:

One, I could easily see a scenario where someone argues "Poly means one person doesn't have to be your everything, so you should still date this person who doesn't provide [thing that is important to you in a relationship] because you can get [thing] from another relationship." That might work for some people, depending on how important [thing] is to them, but other people might consider [thing] a fundamental prerequisite to romance.

Two, depending on your local poly community, there may be pressure to date multiple people as a sort of "poly credential." I have certainly had experiences with people who think that being poly by inclination but currently only dating one person means there's something wrong. So there may be pressure to settle for the sake of having a second partner.

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Post by Caffeinated on Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:31 pm

Ron Ritzman wrote:Some of the comments in the discussion section on the Doc's article on avoiding the fade prompted me to write an essay on Fetlife about "settling".

https://fetlife.com/users/3495270/posts

Do you have a link that doesn't require a person to create a login to read it?

ETA: Unless the rest of your post here was in fact the whole essay.
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Post by PintsizeBro on Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:38 pm

I'm not Ron, but the post looks like it was copied and pasted from the Fetlife journal entry.

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Post by Ron Ritzman on Mon Apr 27, 2015 3:32 pm

Yes it was the whole essay cut and pasted here from fet and that's why the poly stuff is at the end.
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Post by Ron Ritzman on Mon Apr 27, 2015 3:36 pm

And I'm not advocating poly as a "cure" for this. Being with someone you are not enthusiastic about is shitty no matter how many other partners you have.
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