Inconvenient crushes

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Post by reboot on Sat May 02, 2015 12:55 am

Well this is annoying. I developed a crush that is as inconvenient as all fuck. This is a person that for professional reasons I absolutely cannot show attraction to at all for more professional reasons than I can count. I need to bury this and kill it stat.

Anyone ever have this happen before? I need some experience solidarity
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Post by eselle28 on Sat May 02, 2015 2:39 am

I've been there, with two clients (absolutely forbidden and occasionally punished as a matter of professional ethics) and one dude I supervised. It sucks in a way that being rejected doesn't because there's no firm closure and also I was always worried if I was being inappropriate. I'm sorry.
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Post by caliseivy on Sat May 02, 2015 3:03 am

Definitely solidarity here.
One college professor who taught my class at the time
One friend of a sibling which just feels strange
The oddest experience of all for me is a crush on a gay male coworker.
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Post by Werel on Sat May 02, 2015 4:11 am

So much solidarity. An intern I supervised, my boss' son, a professor in undergrad... all kinds of people with big red NO NO NO YOU WILL RUIN YOUR CAREER flags. Sucks to be on eggshells around them all the time, but there's really nothing to do about it except put on your thickest mask, grit your teeth, and yell at your genitals to get with the program.
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Post by Guest on Sat May 02, 2015 6:22 am

As close as I can possibly get, I have had what can be called a 'crush' on one woman who used to work at the bar I go to. At the time, she was both my server and attached. So, no go on two fronts.

Now, while not working for that bar, she is now in a relationship with a mutual friend. Thankfully, they are a great couple, so I don't feel so bad.

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Post by Gman on Sat May 02, 2015 9:06 am

I have a sort of "crush" (more like physical lust) towards a certain "teacher" of mine in the University (I wrote "teacher" instead of professor because she is an employee of a company that imports a certain piece of software that the course is about. They simply brought an external person to teach about how to use this software, which is kind of important in my line of studies). I find her to be sexy for some weird reason. It's annoying as all hell, and there are so many *DO NOT ENTER* flags, signs and billboards around it and still every time I see her my lust wakes up from it's slumber. Plus, add to that a highly public story about a sexual harrasment case on my campus between a professor and a student, that was all the buzz in the media during recent weeks and you have a giant pile of NOPE in front of my crush.

I handle it by being occupied with other tasks/women, so those are my two cents about situations like these.
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Post by Andrew Corvero on Sat May 02, 2015 9:58 am

I think it happens to almost everyone in their lives.

In my case it was a crush on my best friend's girlfriend (at those times) which was a HUGE NO for every reason in the world. The worst part was that we got along very well and so I saw her a lot. He even asked me to keep her company once when he was out of town. Very, very awkward. I ended up calling one of my female friends to go out together and have an excuse not to be alone with her.

I handle it by being occupied with other tasks/women, so those are my two cents about situations like these

That's true. Keep your mind busy and it may hurt a little less.

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Post by reboot on Sat May 02, 2015 12:10 pm

Thanks all. This ain't my first rodeo, but it is definitely the fiercest and absolutely worst aimed case of lust/crush I have ever had

He is politically well connected
He could crush funding for my org
His wife is even better connected and could crush funding faster

Oh and did I mention that I am going to be his liaison for the next couple of months as he visits my org and our counterparts?

So I am going to be super busy. With him *headdesk*
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Post by Guest on Sat May 02, 2015 1:19 pm

Werel wrote:So much solidarity. An intern I supervised, my boss' son, a professor in undergrad... all kinds of people with big red NO NO NO YOU WILL RUIN YOUR CAREER flags. Sucks to be on eggshells around them all the time, but there's really nothing to do about it except put on your thickest mask, grit your teeth, and yell at your genitals to get with the program.

Wink wink nudge nudg

Anyways, I get it.

But I've never crushed on many people in a "position of power", but that's not to say I never have. I know when it's right and/or wrong to act upon said crushes. Usually it's wrong because most of the time, the sexy older women I've encountered were all married with kids my age. Now if they had a daughter my age, that's a-whole-nother story.

As for my no-go crushes... They've mostly been high school teenage boy school teacher crushes. Like my 10th grade geometry teacher, she was a good & sweet teacher, I got really good at Trigonometry because of her! But that didn't help my 15-year-old self's hormones or pantsfeels for her. Or my Conceptual Physics teacher, who... oh my gorn, if she didn't have kids, coulda been a real awesome and funny cougar.

Also, wives of people I know from church.

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Post by Werel on Sat May 02, 2015 2:51 pm

Adult son of a 60 year old boss, damn you Mikey. Razz

(but okay the intern was 19 so that's just one more reason the crush was a NOPE NOPE NOPE)
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Post by Guest on Sat May 02, 2015 3:12 pm

Werel wrote:Adult son of a 60 year old boss, damn you Mikey. Razz

(but okay the intern was 19 so that's just one more reason the crush was a NOPE NOPE NOPE)

Adult, gotcha. Are we talkin like 20 something or 40bsomething? Razz

And 19? Dude, I'm 23, we're practically still innocent young boys. Razz

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Post by reboundstudent on Sat May 02, 2015 3:43 pm

OH yeah. A quick way I usually get through the crush is to ask them polite-colleague questions about themselves, which usually leads into a discussion of wife/children/girlfriends/boyfriends. I have a fantastic killer switch in my brain that as soon as someone is taken, I instantly lose most of my attraction to them. So innocently inquiring after their lives ("Oh, you live in <city>? I've heard that's a good neighborhood for kids") usually trips the kill switch, and bam, out in the clear. The only occasions where the crush has lingered is where they AREN'T taken, or I have no opportunity to inquire.

Maybe you just need to find your general-attraction kill switch, and find a way to activate it?
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Post by Autumnflame on Sat May 02, 2015 5:56 pm

Totally been there, my sympathies. D:

On the gross side of killing-attraction: imagine them constipated and straining? Wink
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Post by Conreezy on Sat May 02, 2015 9:50 pm

It's annoying as all hell, and there are so many *DO NOT ENTER* flags, signs and billboards around it and still every time I see her my lust wakes up from it's slumber.

LOL.

On topic: totally been there, Reboot.

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Post by reboot on Sun May 03, 2015 12:12 pm

OK, today is the beginning our first site visit together, then there are 4 more trips lasting from 3-9 days, all by car so we will be 1:1 for hours and having all meals together.

Right now I am attempting to squash that giddy, hormonal excitement that comes from seeing your crush. I have never been able to kill attraction by choice. I am the type that needs to let it burn itself out, which might take longer with this one since we are going to spend so much time together. SIGH. Of all the people and of all the times for my body/hormones to pick to fixate this is the worst. Why could they not pick someone I might bump into once a year?

Here's to hoping he does something assy on the trip that will put a fork in this!
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Post by eselle28 on Mon May 04, 2015 9:57 pm

Fucking hormones. Those things are assholes sometimes. Here's hoping it goes by fast and that he's not actually assy but does something that's a huge turn off and helps this go away quickly.
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Post by reboot on Mon May 04, 2015 10:00 pm

eselle28 wrote:Fucking hormones. Those things are assholes sometimes. Here's hoping it goes by fast and that he's not actually assy but does something that's a huge turn off and helps this go away quickly.

Day 2 of travel and he has thus far only become more attractive. I am doing OK keeping it low profile but controlling my body language is tiring. I just plead a headache to get out of going to dinner together. It will pass, but god damn these circumstances are not easy.
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Post by Enail on Mon May 04, 2015 10:05 pm

What a pain for you, Reboot! I'm wishing some nosepicking your way! Wink
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Post by Dan_Brodribb on Tue May 05, 2015 2:31 pm

I crush easily and often. The most recent inappropriate one was on a celibate monk.

What I've noticed for myself is that crushes aren't too bad--in fact they feel nice. Where the problem starts is when I start to trying to suppress it or make it go away. It can lead to me behaving unnaturally or overcompensating by being extra distant to them and it brings internal suffering. I get mad at myself, I resent them for not being able to respond to my feelings or appreciate how I'm protecting them from my own feelings, or the fear of WHAT IF THEY FIND OUT? and various other brands of frustration, guilt, and confusion.

The thing that made the difference was learning I didn't HAVE to do anything about having a crush on someone. I can experience and enjoy the feeling...and then not do anything about it. And everything turns out just fine.

reboot wrote:

Day 2 of travel and he has thus far only become more attractive. I am doing OK keeping it low profile but controlling my body language is tiring. I just plead a headache to get out of going to dinner together. It will pass, but god damn these circumstances are not easy.

Sorry, you're suffering. When you say you're having trouble with your body language, what does that mean?

Also, what are your concerns around this? Are you worried you'll act on it? That he'll find out and you'll be embarrassed or think you're unprofessional? Something else? What is the worst case scenario here?

In any case, hope it all goes well.

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Post by reboot on Tue May 05, 2015 10:02 pm

I have to keep this relationship strictly professional, so obvious crushing is a no go as is any flirting or any indication that he is anything to me other than a highly respected, highly connected, highly influential, very married stakeholder.

My fear is that any hint that I feel anything else would be highly inappropriate and could put at risk a project that we and a number of other organizations have been working on for the past two years. Embarrassment I can handle. Having him feel uncomfortable working with me is my big worry.
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Post by Izmuth on Thu May 07, 2015 7:42 pm

How're you holding up Reboot?

I myself don't crush often, luckily. In my case it's also easier to evade the crushes, so I don't have any tips for dealing with prolonged exposure to inappropriate crushes, sorry Sad

I can tell you that focusing on how inappropriate and dangerous the crush is only makes it stronger in my case. Fantasizing extensively helps, since I bore easily of fantasies and then need new ones, depleting my crush reserves, but that might also reinforce compulsive thinking about your crush, so... your mileage may vary?

I'm sending positive vibes your way in any case, stay strong!
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Post by reboot on Fri May 08, 2015 11:19 am

Thanks Izmuth. The first trip with him ended Wednesday and I am pretty sure we have hit peak crush, which is good news because it is no longer building and can start declining. Between now and our next trip (end of next week) we will just communicate by email and phone, with me pushing for mostly emails because his voice makes me all fluttery. So just need to brace for the next trip. Hopefully by the time we hit the long one in June everything will be smoothing out.
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Post by reboot on Thu May 14, 2015 1:13 pm

UPDATE: Trip number two with the man I have a crush on. Things seem to be leveling out/subsiding, BUT I have not seen him since last Wednesday, so we will have to see how face to face goes.

Wish me luck!
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Post by Wondering on Thu May 14, 2015 2:51 pm

Good luck!

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Post by eselle28 on Thu May 14, 2015 2:58 pm

I'll be thinking good thoughts. Or, rather, un-crushy thoughts.
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