Freaking out. [Advice or opinions.]

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Post by Guest on Mon May 04, 2015 3:45 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
Alex1989 wrote:

<snip>
I know what it means, I was meaning to post that now I know the vid is propaganda, You saw the scream vid, did you? Razz

This gif is also an appropriate to AVFM:


Freaking out. [Advice or opinions.] - Page 2 Giphy
1. Keeping the pic.
2. Back on topic, I am not just afraid of women, I realized I am afraid of people, I want to connect with someone, but I am afraid of hurting them or them hurting me, Why else I have a cheetah for an avatar, If people saw the real me, I'll end up scaring them away.

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Post by BasedBuzzed on Mon May 04, 2015 3:45 pm

>MRAs
Sounds like a great time to plug this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C08ht4bCNwY

Anyway, when people start throwing stats and studies around, especially when making hyperbolic statements, you can most of the time find something to criticize in the methodology: https://www.ma.utexas.edu/users/mks/statmistakes/StatisticsMistakes.html

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Post by Andrew Corvero on Mon May 04, 2015 4:31 pm

Back on topic, I am not just afraid of women, I realized I am afraid of people, I want to connect with someone, but I am afraid of hurting them or them hurting me, Why else I have a cheetah for an avatar, If people saw the real me, I'll end up scaring them away.

That's a very understandable and very common human fear. Everyone is afraid of that on some level, some more some less. I'm anxious as hell about hurting anyone, or about being hurt, or about alienating my friends or potential dates by saying something stupid. I think that parental abuse and bullying can make people really scared of interacting with others.

As an old Italian proverb says: "If you have been bitten by snakes, you're are afraid of lizards, too". If you've met abusive people, you're scared of being abused again (or of abusing others).

How do you get out of this unpleasant situation? I'm not going to lie, it's not easy. You have to forge connection with people if you don't want to be alone, and that always presents a certain degree of risk. And you have to be willing to give the human race the benefit of the doubt. Some people act like assholes. Sometimes we all make mistakes. But if you tar all people with the same broad brush you're filtering not only the dedicated assholes, but also some pretty amazing folks who may be, at times, be flawed (as you also are).

Relationships are always a gamble, but they're a gamble worth taking.

"You gotta know when to hold 'em,
know when to fold'em,
know when to walk away,
know when when to run"

I think that if you try to be a better person yourself and you learn to put some boundaries to others you'll recognize the abusive situations and be able to deal with them.

Easier said than done, I know. But what little we can do here is to try and give you some advice.

Don't be afraid to show yourself for what you really are. People won't get scared of you, and most of them do not want to hurt you (although sometimes they accidentally or unintentionally might).

Those who really, genuinely want to hurt others are called assholes. And once you see them for what they are, you're better off without them.

How do you know if you're not one of them? Easy . If you worry about the feelings and well-being of others, you're not an asshole. If you're unsure of what to do not to harm other, you're not an asshole.

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Post by Guest on Mon May 04, 2015 6:19 pm

Alex1989 wrote:
I know what it means, I was meaning to post that now I know the vid is propaganda, You saw the scream vid, did you? Razz

I did watch the scream video, since I've never read anything about A Voice for Men, the reaction was lost on me. Sorry. Razz

Alex1989 wrote:
2. Back on topic, I am not just afraid of women, I realized I am afraid of people, I want to connect with someone, but I am afraid of hurting them or them hurting me, Why else I have a cheetah for an avatar, If people saw the real me, I'll end up scaring them away.

I don't have a pic of me as my avatar. I have fsjal, but that's because I think he's funny/cute lookin'. ;D

Andrew Corvero wrote:
That's a very understandable and very common human fear. Everyone is afraid of that on some level, some more some less. I'm anxious as hell about hurting anyone, or about being hurt, or about alienating my friends or potential dates by saying something stupid. I think that parental abuse and bullying can make people really scared of interacting with others.

I'll be honest, sometimes I'm not. I can be a real asshole to strangers, doesn't mean I am but I can be if they are in the first place.

In a sick, twisted way, sometimes if I'm already pissed I'll be in "Gimme a Reason"-mode, usually to tell someone off. This is NOT wise, admirable or advised behavior, this kind of stuff will get you hurt. Razz But under the right circumstances... maybe I'll risk it.

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Post by Guest on Mon May 04, 2015 6:33 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
Back on topic, I am not just afraid of women, I realized I am afraid of people, I want to connect with someone, but I am afraid of hurting them or them hurting me, Why else I have a cheetah for an avatar, If people saw the real me, I'll end up scaring them away.

That's a very understandable and very common human fear. Everyone is afraid of that on some level, some more some less. I'm anxious as hell about hurting anyone, or about being hurt, or about alienating my friends or potential dates by saying something stupid. I think that parental abuse and bullying can make people really scared of interacting with others.

As an old Italian proverb says: "If you have been bitten by snakes, you're are afraid of lizards, too". If you've met abusive people, you're scared of being abused again (or of abusing others).

How do you get out of this unpleasant situation? I'm not going to lie, it's not easy. You have to forge connection with people if you don't want to be alone, and that always presents a certain degree of risk. And you have to be willing to give the human race the benefit of the doubt. Some people act like assholes. Sometimes we all make mistakes. But if you tar all people with the same broad brush you're filtering not only the dedicated assholes, but also some pretty amazing folks who may be, at times, be flawed (as you also are).

Relationships are always a gamble, but they're a gamble worth taking.

"You gotta know when to hold 'em,
know when to fold'em,
know when to walk away,
know when when to run"

I think that if you try to be a better person yourself and you learn to put some boundaries to others you'll recognize the abusive situations and be able to deal with them.

Easier said than done, I know. But what little we can do here is to try and give you some advice.

Don't be afraid to show yourself for what you really are. People won't get scared of you, and most of them do not want to hurt you (although sometimes they accidentally or unintentionally might).

Those who really, genuinely want to hurt others are called assholes. And once you see them for what they are, you're better off without them.

How do you know if you're not one of them? Easy . If you worry about the feelings and well-being of others, you're not an asshole. If you're unsure of what to do not to harm other, you're not an asshole.

How? Won't someone notice my emotional scars and run away? People will see me as damaged goods...

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Post by Guest on Mon May 04, 2015 6:45 pm

Alex1989 wrote:
How? Won't someone notice my emotional scars and run away? People will see me as damaged goods...

Eh, you'd be surprised how kind and supportive some people can be once you've befriended them. But this is where you exercise control and let it trickle the more you get closer to them.

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Post by Enail on Mon May 04, 2015 6:53 pm

Alex1989 wrote:
How? Won't someone notice my emotional scars and run away? People will see me as damaged goods...

A lot of people have emotional scars, and almost everyone is in some way 'damaged goods'. Probably some people will be okay with your particular scars and some won't be a good match (and the same is probably true for you - there are some issues that you'd be fine with, and some that would be stressful or upsetting for you to be around. Everyone is compatible with different issues!)

What's really important is learning how to handle your issues in a way that's healthy and how to express them in ways that are appropriate and comfortable for the other person as you get to know them, rather than showing them all upfront before they know anything else about you or asking the other person to be in charge of handling your issues for you. As Mikey says, developing control over how you reveal your full self and showing your vulnerabilities and issues gradually is a big part of that. This might be something your therapist will have good suggestions on as well!
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Post by Andrew Corvero on Mon May 04, 2015 7:48 pm

Enail wrote:
Alex1989 wrote:
How? Won't someone notice my emotional scars and run away? People will see me as damaged goods...

A lot of people have emotional scars, and almost everyone is in some way 'damaged goods'. Probably some people will be okay with your particular scars and some won't be a good match (and the same is probably true for you - there are some issues that you'd be fine with, and some that would be stressful or upsetting for you to be around. Everyone is compatible with different issues!)

What's really important is learning how to handle your issues in a way that's healthy and how to express them in ways that are appropriate and comfortable for the other person as you get to know them, rather than showing them all upfront before they know anything else about you or asking the other person to be in charge of handling your issues for you. As Mikey says, developing control over how you reveal your full self and showing your vulnerabilities and issues gradually is a big part of that. This might be something your therapist will have good suggestions on as well!

Quoted for Truth.

Also to echo Mikey's thoughts if you learn how to control the degree of emotional intimacy with others you'll be surprised by just how many people want to support you if you've come to a place when you're already intimate enough with them.

There's stuff in my past that I've hidden from my friends for ages, in fear they'd shun me, but it turned out that not only they didn't ,but they offered to support me.

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Post by Guest on Mon May 04, 2015 8:05 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
Quoted for Truth.

Also to echo Mikey's thoughts if you learn how to control the degree of emotional intimacy with others you'll be surprised by just how many people want to support you if you've come to a place when you're already intimate enough with them.

There's stuff in my past that I've hidden from my friends for ages, in fear they'd shun me, but it turned out that not only they didn't ,but they offered to support me.

I also wanna say, don't "hide" things. Because "hiding" just makes it sound like your insecurities & shit are dirty little secrets to be hidden away from the world, no instead just don't talk about them or mention them but don't "hide" it. Accept those insecurities for what they are and if anyone asks, go ahead and be honest about it, you can always say, "I'd rather not talk about it" or some variation of that. And if your new friend isn't a prick, then they'll respect you and leave the issue alone until you're ready to speak on your own terms.

One thing I've learned is discretion, as in you learn to let some people know some things about yourself. For example, you tell your best friend things you might tell your brother or vice versa or sometimes you just keep certain things to yourself and never let anyone know otherwise. Razz Stuff like that.

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Post by Guest on Mon May 04, 2015 8:16 pm

The Mikey wrote:
Andrew Corvero wrote:
Quoted for Truth.

Also to echo Mikey's thoughts if you learn how to control the degree of emotional intimacy with others you'll be surprised by just how many people want to support you if you've come to a place when you're already intimate enough with them.

There's stuff in my past that I've hidden from my friends for ages, in fear they'd shun me, but it turned out that not only they didn't ,but they offered to support me.

I also wanna say, don't "hide" things. Because "hiding" just makes it sound like your insecurities & shit are dirty little secrets to be hidden away from the world, no instead just don't talk about them or mention them but don't "hide" it. Accept those insecurities for what they are and if anyone asks, go ahead and be honest about it, you can always say, "I'd rather not talk about it" or some variation of that. And if your new friend isn't a prick, then they'll respect you and leave the issue alone until you're ready to speak on your own terms.

One thing I've learned is discretion, as in you learn to let some people know some things about yourself. For example, you tell your best friend things you might tell your brother or vice versa or sometimes you just keep certain things to yourself and never let anyone know otherwise. Razz Stuff like that.

..... Smile

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Post by PintsizeBro on Mon May 04, 2015 11:28 pm

Everyone hurts, dude. The only difference between "damaged goods" and adults is that adults have learned to live with it.

I look like I have my shit together. On the surface I'm the pink polo-clad bro that frustrated nerds love to hate. I talk to people at parties. I flirt with women at bars. My coworkers like and respect me. But some days the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is the grim specter of unemployment. And I like my job, at least most of the time.

I have a girlfriend, but there are days I can't shake the feeling that she's only with me because she hasn't realized she can do better. When she looks at me and sees a hot guy, sometimes I wonder if she needs glasses.

From where you're sitting I probably look like I have it made, but I hurt too. We all learn to live with it and accept it as best we can. Sometimes you hurt. Sometimes you feel like it's never going to get better. I can't fix this for you. Nobody can.

What happened to you was unfair. It's not your fault, but you can't change it. What you can do is live with it. It's a part of who you are now. And that's okay. You can learn to live with it too.

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Post by Guest on Wed May 06, 2015 3:37 pm

*Signs up for Tinder*

"Let's see what's the fuss about Tinder..."

*puts down phone*

*90 minute pass by: Plays Pacific Storm Allies, drops F-Bomb after losing the BB Musashi (Fucking Carriers... Disapproving ). Watches Ghost in the Shell. Pays electric bill online.*

*picks up phone*

Huh, 4 matches... (Double Takes) Shocked Shocked Shocked

4 matches...

4 Matches.

4 Matches!

4 MATCHES!!!!!!  Grin  Grin  Grin  Grin  Grin  cheers  cheers  cheers  cheers  cheers

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Post by PintsizeBro on Wed May 06, 2015 4:18 pm

That's great, Alex. Now say hi! You already know how to spell words correctly, so say something fun Smile

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Post by Enail on Wed May 06, 2015 5:03 pm

Awesome! Have fun with it, and remember even if it doesn't go anywhere (which is very common in OLD), it's still a compliment!
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Post by Guest on Wed May 06, 2015 5:37 pm

I already messaged them, Basically introduced myself. But remember, I am still recovering from my issues, so I am not expecting a "Marry Me NOW!!!" or something like that yet.

Although the matches tell me something: someone finds me attractive. Smile

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Post by reboot on Wed May 06, 2015 6:00 pm

Alex1989 wrote:I already messaged them, Basically introduced myself. But remember, I am still recovering from my issues, so I am not expecting a "Marry Me NOW!!!" or something like that yet.

Although the matches tell me something: someone finds me attractive. Smile

Correction. 4 someones find you attractive Smile
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Post by Hirundo Bos on Thu May 07, 2015 11:37 am

Alex1989 wrote:I already messaged them, Basically introduced myself. But remember, I am still recovering from my issues, so I am not expecting a "Marry Me NOW!!!" or something like that yet.

Although the matches tell me something: someone finds me attractive. Smile

Not expecting "Marry me NOW!!!", or anything much to be set in stone, in the run of the first few messages, is rather healthy I think.

And to add even further to the although: 4 people that you find attractive finds you attractive as well.
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Post by Guest on Thu May 07, 2015 2:23 pm

Hirundo Bos wrote:
Alex1989 wrote:I already messaged them, Basically introduced myself. But remember, I am still recovering from my issues, so I am not expecting a "Marry Me NOW!!!" or something like that yet.

Although the matches tell me something: someone finds me attractive. Smile

Not expecting "Marry me NOW!!!", or anything much to be set in stone, in the run of the first few messages, is rather healthy I think.

And to add even further to the although: 4 people that you find attractive finds you attractive as well.

True... Razz In fact all the people on Tinder I find attractive.

(Off topic - almost posted an excerpt of a short story I am writing here... Embarassed)

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